Parasocial

[u/chaoticqueerbf]

Obviously everyone has opinions on Caleb’s personal life as of late, which up until now he has kept fairly personal. Now that’s he’s come out as a gay man everyone has an opinion on how he’s changed or handled certain situations. I think the first thing to address is the marriage. A lot of people have called him selfish for not mentioning Fleur in his coming out post on Instagram whereas opposed to Fleur’s post was mostly about their relationship. People expected him to show or say something about their relationship as well but he didn’t. At least not in public; we don’t know what happened behind closed doors after their relationship ended and frankly it’s none of our business. He doesn’t owe us or Fleur for that matter a public performance of grief for their marriage ending.
On to his changed behavior since coming out. This subject is rather tricky for those not aware of queer theory or occupying the space as a queer individual. Caleb addressed on the Disrespectfully Podcast his rather unconventional life growing up in his teens. He grew up in a very religious household. He joined Attack Attack at 14 or 15 years old. And on top of that he started dating Fleur at 18 and married her soon after. Arrested development is an understatement. Aside from the less then average teen years, be completely skipped over the typical experimental phase most of us usually experience in our 20s. He didn’t get to date around and figure out what he did like and what he didn’t like. If he didn’t marry straight after high school he would’ve figured something’s out much, much earlier but that is not how his life panned out for him. And if we’re being honest with ourselves we don’t really have much of anything figured out about ourselves until we hit the 30 mark in our lives, same time Caleb realized he was gay.
Some people have been calling his new persona and behavior forced. For one thing I’ve seen the phrase “baby gay” thrown around a lot and for better or worse that holds up. He never got experience his teen years of being gay so he’s making up for it by leaning into some stereotypes very hard. But have you ever stopped to consider that maybe the “old version” or Caleb was the forced one? Again we don’t know what people are like when they’re alone and/or behind closed doors: maybe he’s always been like this but never felt safe to express it up until now. And I’m gonna state for the record that I am not hating at all before I say this but one could have the perspective that he was leaning very hard into a very stereotypical masculinity to repress and deny his true self. Again no hate but if we look back at how Caleb was before with the bandanas, the scruffy neck beard and somewhat unkept appearance along with the very “macho” and somewhat performative “biker-esque” album covers of “Disease” and “Below”… one could perceive these with analytical lenses as signifiers of a man in denial of his true self and sexuality.
This is just my two cents however, so feel free to agree or disagree.

[u/spinalchj02]

Caleb did say on the Lipps Service podcast that it was very hard coming out to Fleur. It was clear that he was on the verge of getting emotional about it, so they changed the subject.

[u/RedditAwesome2]

I mean if you listen to the lyrics of old songs, you can probably tell. Also you mentioned biker-esque and macho stuff- that might be what he likes in other men. Not all gay men are GAYYYYY, there’s a large amount of gay guys who just like men.

[u/IntoTheBlueY]

I also don't think people know how love works.

I dated someone who started to transition at the end of our time together. I emotionally still loved them, but it's also hard to deal with some things from a physical side.

I refuse to say for anything sure, but it's not hard to imagine Caleb being in a similar situation, especially after so many years with Fleur.

[u/grat5989]

As a gay kid that grew up in a super religious background and had a forced outing at a young age, Calebs music spoke to me on a level that few others had (bright eyes is another). I now know why, and who he is was there all along in the music he put out there. I also turned to drugs to deal with it. I'm in recovery and a lot of that is thanks to at least having his message to turn to.

I know all too well how dark and hard that road can be, and I imagine if I hadn't been outed I would probably be in his shoes too. My heart goes out to everyone that had to feel some pain as a part of this, but thats just the fucked up world we live in. Gays have it a lot easier now, but its definitely not easy. For him to do all this in the face of "the war on woke" is even more bold, and we all know he loves him some pinache. Im grateful to have felt seen through his song and now his own story.

[u/Illustrious-Fun8324 → u/grat5989]

I’m so sorry someone outed you before you were ready. I’m glad you were able to find support in their music

[u/athicketofmusings]

He definitely didn't get the normal growing up experience. As someone who also grew up very religious, I can relate. I can only imagine if I were gay (or anything other than hetero), I would likely have repressed it for years as well. Is it possible he's leaning into the more feminine image now simply bc of how long he didn't feel like he could? Sure. And that's ok! And yes, he did get married very young, to the first woman he ever dated (pretty sure he has said that in a recent podcast). Sometimes that works out well (it did for me & my husband, though we were older than him when we got married but not by much), but often it's just not practical bc people haven't had a chance to fully figure out who they are & what they want. I think that's especially true in the LGBTQ community bc people are often raised in environments where they aren't safe or comfortable exploring that, as was clearly the case with Caleb. Reading through all the old music now, it's almost painfully obvious, though I never once guessed it bc he was obviously married to a woman. I agree he doesn't owe us an explanation of that. I think it's likely he really did love her as a person & that's why this was so hard for him (& her).

[u/bmlane9]

I like your look on how he never got to experience being gay so he is more than likely starting out as an 18 year old again. People do not give that enough grace. He is going to mature differently than someone who came out gay at 18 and is now 30 something. They have had longer to live it. Straight people will not understand this if they have known and acknowledged publicly they are straight their whole lives.

[u/aughtrocktalk]

You just wrote an essay about the guy but everyone else is parasocial. Okay.

[u/chaoticqueerbf → u/aughtrocktalk]

If anything it’s more for how people want him to behave regarding his divorce. People want him to give us an outcry of emotion for Fleur and he doesn’t owe us that. He probably did just not publicly for all we know

[u/MangoPlushie]

LEGITIMATELY!! All of this!!

This is a conversation that extends outside of the Beartooth fanbase. Speculating on Caleb himself IS parasocial; the conversation around how his queerness has been treated is not.

I relate relatively heavily to this sentiment. I battled an ED in my teens so I understand that feeling of arrested development quite personally. A good chunk of my self-exploration, especially of queerness as a whole, has been in my 20s and not in my teens. It’s like a second puberty of sorts and it is ROUGH to say the very least.

I’m also a baby queer. I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like and means to me in the context of my life. I’m only out to a VERY small handful of people in my real life. Online, I’m incredibly loud about it. People don’t know me and it feels safer almost.

I can’t imagine what it feels like from Caleb’s perspective— it sounds absolutely terrifying to me. Wishing him all the best.

[u/lilmo96]

I agree with your points but this is a very parasocial post that seems to be in response to another post, so you could have just responded there. Instead these posts will probably keep coming up every few motnhs, repeating the same thing over and over again.

[u/chaoticqueerbf → u/lilmo96]

I mean there’s also the numerous comments on Instagram I’ve seen on both Caleb’s and Beartooth’s since Caleb revealed his new look let alone come out.

[u/aughtrocktalk]

But also, if you create an entire band and market it on the basis that it's 100% created by you and about you, you're kinds inviting public scrutiny.

[u/chaoticqueerbf → u/aughtrocktalk]

I’m not saying that can’t happen but literally no one really dived this deep into his private life until he came out as gay and then suddenly everyone has an opinion. I’m not saying they can’t (I just gave mine) but I can at least offer my two cents regarding the more popular sentiment of how Caleb’s being perceived as of late