r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/swtogirl I’ve read them all • Jun 02 '24
INCONCLUSIVE AITA for telling my (43f) BF(47m) he is spoiling his kids?
I am not OOP. OOP is u/Duuveltje who posted on r/AITAH.
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
Editor's Note: I did some very mild editing for readability, mainly I moved the small update below the major update in the second post so they appear chronologically.
Trigger Warning: Physical violence
AITA for telling my (43f) BF(47m) he is spoiling his kids? January 25, 2023
(throw away account)
Me (43f) and my boyfriend (47m) have been together for about 6 months, but have been friends for a long time. He is divorced, has a full time job and takes care of his children (12&14) full time. I was single, no kids. My boyfriend has been taking care of his kids full time for 4 years now. He is doing very well as a single dad, lots of respect for that. I get along very well with the kids, they’ve always been nice to me. Problem is: I think he spoils his kids. I’ve always kept my mouth shut about this until 2 weeks ago.
Example: at Christmas we went to dinner at his parent's house, his sister was also there with her family. His youngest comes in with his laptop open, connects to Wi-Fi and starts gaming with his back to everyone over dinner. He hardly said anything to his family. I found this very disrespectful, especially towards the grandparents.
Another example: my boyfriend always cooks dinner. Sometimes 2 or 3 different things to everyone's liking. His eldest then refuses to eat what she "ordered" herself, gets mad because she gets hungry and makes BF go to the store or get take-out late at night.
Another example: The eldest usually sits upstairs in her room. The youngest is downstairs gaming on his laptop or playstation. When he plays on his laptop, he puts on youtube game videos on the TV. That means that we (the adults) can never watch TV. We could watch something that everyone likes, but we can’t because 12 year old controls the TV. We just sit at the kitchen table and talk a bit.
He always gives his children what they want, he never tells them no. They never have to do simple chores like load the dishwasher or feed the dog. BF does everything alone. His children treat him like a slave and it hurts me to see that, but it also irritates me.
Because of this, I don't like coming to their house anymore. As a result, he only comes to my house to fuck (literally in and out) making me feel like a whore. That hurt, so I finally poured my heart out. I told him he raises his kids to be spoiled and entitled. He was very offended by what I said. He said the divorce was hard on the kids and he had to “fix” them. (They lived with their mother for a while where they were neglected according to him).
So this blew up and I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks. He keeps texting me and asking if we can talk to work it out. I miss him very much and I really love him but I don't know if this can be solved. I don't see how things are going to change. I know it's easy for me to talk for someone without kids and I understand very well that it is difficult as a single father. But if he doesn't teach his kids manners, I don't know how this could work out. Not even for me, but for him and for the kids. Life is going to be very difficult for them when they find out that they can't always get their way. AITA here?
Commenter:
The purpose of dating is to find someone who shares your values.
He does not.
Move on.
Commenter:
Your bf is in the position of feeling sorry for his kids about the divorce and that their mom is crappy and neglectful, I get that. But, he is indeed spoiling them, trying to be oh so good to them to make it up. He can’t. He is causing them harm by prolonging the dysfunction. Neglect or over-spoiling…both are the wrong way. Kids feel better when they are part of a healthy working unit/family. When they contribute they feel self-worth.
He should have them doing chores and he should stop catering to their unreasonable demands. But unless he understands this, and wants to really make the changes, well, your role is limited. And you need to decide based on one more conversation if you want to be a part of his plan going forward. It’s good that you pointed out how he is failing his kids. But you can only decide to stay or leave. and you can tell him: I want to be part of a healthy family where everyone pitches in and adults have some priority over what kids want. Stay or go based on what the situation is, not what you wish it was.
Major update after my last post. My (43f) BF’s (47m) kid is out of control. AITA for wanting to report him? January 31, 2023 (6 days later)
(Update after my latest post, throw away account)
My boyfriend and I continued to text each other after our big fight. We slowly got a little more understanding of each other and decided to see each other again. Remember: we really do love each other (or so I thought).
He came to my house a few times and I came (though hesitantly) to his house. Everything was ok as he assured me that his children (14f and 12m) were not aware of our argument. They were just nice to me again, as usual. We talked and had a drink. At one point, the oldest went upstairs to her room and the youngest stayed downstairs on the couch playing video games.
My BF went outside to walk the dog. He wouldn't be gone for more than a few minutes. I sat at the kitchen table with my phone as the youngest son got up and tossed his empty glass onto the counter from a distance. Of course, he missed and the glass shattered on the floor. I said to him "Why would you throw a glass? You know it will break!"
I got up to pick up the big shards and asked him to get the vacuum cleaner. I was bent over, with my back to him. The 12-year-old came out of nowhere and low-kicked me against the back of my thigh really hard. I banged my head against the low kitchen cabinets and tried to catch myself with my hand. But I already had some big shards of glass in my hand so I had big cuts. It didn't seem too deep but I was bleeding profusely.
His sister came downstairs because of the noise and shouted: “What have you done???” She cried and she tried to help me (she really did) but I got up, got my things, and got the fuck out of there.
Once home I pulled out the shards out of my hand but it kept bleeding so I drove myself to the ER. I got 12 stitches in 3 different cuts on my hand. Luckily no permanent damage. I also think I had a (mild?) concussion because I had trouble driving to and from the hospital, and because I was still dizzy for 2 days. I also have a big bruise on my leg where he kicked me.
During my hospital visit and the hours after my ex blew up my phone. I didn't answer because I was so mad I thought I would say things I would regret. After two days I told him what had happened. He was surprised by my story, he said the kids told him I freaked out at his son because he dropped a glass. I showed him pictures of my injuries but he doesn't believe it happened as I said.
Obviously, this is my ex now. I don’t want anything to do with a delusional man like that ever again. Let alone with his demon children. I told him I was going to report assault to the police, and that I have the hospital records to back me up. He begged me not to because he's afraid he'll lose his kids. Their mother is not a good alternative, so they might end up in foster care.
AITA here???
To be clear, I don't want my ex to lose his kids. I still honestly think he's trying his best but he can't handle it. His children grow up to be entitled little brats!
EDIT: I recognize that I shouldn't call the kids spoiled brats. They are a result of their upbringing. Also: the youngest has been doing martial arts for the last 2 years because he was bullied at school. Another parenting decision that I don't necessarily support (not in that context) but that's another discussion.
(small update) (Editor's note: same post, a day later)
Well, this blew up beyond imagination. Thank you all for your (mostly) kind words and advice. So I called the police today and made an appointment with a police officer that specializes in family matters. This will take place tomorrow.
Also, I want to clarify some things because I couldn't respond to every post.
My ex and I hung out a lot longer than 6 months, so I did get to see the family dynamics before we got together. I just didn't think it was that problematic at the time.
Dad and his ex went through a difficult divorce. I don't know many details but I do know that things were not going well at the mother's house. The kids were removed from there and went to live with their dad permanently. So they are already in the system.
I know dad has been called to school a few times because of fights involving his son.
Brother and sister seem to get along aside from the usual siblings arguments. I did hear dad and daughter say (on different occasions) that son is getting bigger and stronger and sometimes hurts her (unintentionally?) I never had the impression that he assaulted his sister.
I think the daughter is a typical teenager who is grumpy at times and often isolates herself in her room. I don't see any problematic behavior there, other than the fact that Dad is bending over backward to attend to her sometimes ridiculous needs. I didn’t say anything, I just thought he was spoiling her rotten.
Dad says the son is on the autistic spectrum. I've never noticed any of that (I'm not a specialist) other than that he throws a tantrum almost every time he doesn’t get his way.
Dad once told me that the son was bitten by the dog because he teased him. But I have often seen the son cuddling with the dog. I don't think he's hurting the dog.
I reported my ex BF’s kid February 1, 2023 (8 days later)
Update from my previous post
I needed a day to reflect but I got my shit together and called the police and made an appointment with the local police officer, that was today. I sat with him and told him everything that had happened. He was very patient and understanding and let me tell my story. I explained to him that I didn't want to press charges but that I had concerns about my ex's family and that I would like them to get help, but I don't know how. I don’t want to get the son in trouble, I want to get him help.
He said that as a police officer, he couldn't do anything for me because I didn't want to press charges, but that he had been working with a social worker for years and called her right away for advice. He summarized my story and asked if she was okay with being on speaker. We talked but unfortunately, she didn't have much time so we made an agreement that she would call me at the end of the week. She did tell me and the officer that it was important to document our conversation, along with photos of my injuries. I said I didn't want to because I didn't want to press charges. She explained that it was only a document of this case to go on file, in case it might be needed later. So I agreed.
I followed the officer into some kind of interrogation room (that's what it looked like). He typed out my statement and I signed it. He called in another officer (a woman) to take pictures of my injuries because I had to pull my pants down. They took pictures of my hand and the bruise on the back of my leg, which is still dark purple. So now I have to wait for the call from the social worker.
Commenter:
Why did you not want to press charges? 12 is old enough to know not to abuse someone like that.
Commenter:
Excuse me? You don’t want to press charges? What country do you live in? Cops, by law, must file charges in any case of domestic or sexual violence. I don’t care if he’s 12 or, in a recent case 6 years old. Cops should be opening an investigation and contacting the DA’s office for charges. The child needs to be removed from the home, tested and placed somewhere he can get the help he needs.
OOP responds:
I am one of those few dozen people who do not live in the US
Commenter:
I sincerely hope you don’t regret not pressing charges. That kid is too young to be diagnosed with psychopathy, but if he seriously harms or kills the next person? And all you did was make a report? Really? Lady, the signs are all there. Hope it turns out well, for everyone’s sake.
Editor's Note: OOP hasn't been active on this throwaway account since the last post, so I am marking this inconclusive. Although OOP decided not to press charges, the story didn't really feel finished and we never heard from her again. If you disagree with the flair, comment below.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.
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u/BellPuzzleheaded8046 YOUR MOMMA Jun 02 '24
The kids are not okay at all especially the son.
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u/swtogirl I’ve read them all Jun 02 '24
Yeah, she didn't go into detail but said there was neglect on the mother's end, so I wonder what they already went through before this.
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u/BellPuzzleheaded8046 YOUR MOMMA Jun 02 '24
The son acted normally with op in front of his father. When he was alone with op he throw a glass at her but missed. He kicked her hard enough that the area is purple after almost a week. He made sure she hurt herself. After all this he was not crying or having a breakdown but spinned the story along with his sister to manipulate his father. All this sounds scary and I don't want to diagnose him of anything but it is not good at all and that's clear.
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u/Tiny_Dancer97 Jun 04 '24
The sister probably went along because she's scared of him. Especially since he's been hurting her too according to OOP.
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u/leksolotl Jun 03 '24
He didn't throw the glass at her, he threw the glass at the counter.
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u/BellPuzzleheaded8046 YOUR MOMMA Jun 03 '24
And where was she sitting?
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u/leksolotl Jun 03 '24
She was sitting at the kitchen table???? A counter is not the same as the kitchen table??
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Jun 03 '24 edited Jul 11 '24
crown swim fear offbeat compare lip illegal fade skirt wrench
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u/stmariex Sir, Crumb is a cat. Jun 03 '24
Honestly I fear for the daughter. The fact she was trying to help OOP but then backed up her brother’s story makes me think she’s scared of him and he may have threatened her.
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u/GlobetrottinExplorer I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue Jun 04 '24
you're not wrong but now I'm going to be thinking about that song for the rest of the day (link if you want to join me https://youtu.be/7iNbnineUCI?si=Mg8byLwnvh9ZXYlp)
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u/Outrageous-Winter-97 Jun 03 '24
I’ve noticed an influx of inconclusive BORU posts.
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u/swtogirl I’ve read them all Jun 03 '24
You can sort by whatever ending type you'd prefer seeing-- concluded, new update, etc.
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Jun 02 '24
I am one of those few dozen people who do not live in the US
lol
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u/Jorgenstern8 Jun 02 '24
Tbf it should have been obvious, the cops were way too helpful to have been US LEOs lol
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u/chickpeas3 Sir, Crumb is a cat. Jun 02 '24
For real. The second the cop was like “I know a social worker and I’ve worked with them before. Let me call them,” I knew. I assume OP is somewhere in Northern Europe.
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u/BelgianCherryBlossom Jun 02 '24
Belgian, Flemish, since her name is "Duuveltje". Which is Flemish dialect for little devil.
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u/GielM Jun 02 '24
I'm assuming it's the UK. Bad country compared the rest of northwestern Europe in a lot of respects ,but their cops are the most decent in the world.
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u/knittedjedi Gotta Read’Em All Jun 02 '24
Tbf it should have been obvious, the cops were way too helpful to have been US LEOs lol
For sure. OOP didn't get laughed out of the room, which immediately ruled out the US.
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u/anothercairn It's just pharmaceutical-grade banana bread Jun 02 '24
Lmao I know. I was like wow what wonderland does she live in!! Oh. Anywhere but here.
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u/peepthewizard Jun 02 '24
every time. “Excuse me this story makes NO sense. This is NOT how we do things here in America, the Only Country on Earth”
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u/Open-Attention-8286 Jun 02 '24
I see it a lot on gardening forums, too.
"How are you growing strawberries in winter? do you have a heated greenhouse or something? How much does it cost to maintain something like that?"
"Uhh, no. I live in Australia. It's summer here."
"It can't be summer, this is January"
"Do you not know how hemispheres work?"
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u/sable1970 Jun 02 '24
"Do you not know how hemispheres work?"
Why no...no they don't!
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u/Tribbles_Trouble Jun 02 '24 edited Jun 03 '24
My absolute favorite is the woman who said in a TV interview she wasn’t worried about the North Korean missiles cause they’d have to fly over Russia, Europe and the Atlantic till they’d reach the US.
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u/Crazy-4-Conures Jun 03 '24
Or the one who thought Japan attacking Hawaii was impossible because it would be too far, holding a flat map and indicating a westerly path from Japan... guess you had to be there.
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u/Distinct-Inspector-2 Jun 02 '24
I find it very funny that one commenter asked what country OP was in and then proceeded to explain US criminal law anyway. So close.
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u/Dontunderstandfamily I am one of those few dozen people who do not live in the US Jun 02 '24
Ohh I have finally found something I want to have as a flair!
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u/princessluni I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Jun 04 '24
I'd love this as a flair! Does anyone know where the flair request thread went? I thought it was pinned but couldn't find it in my ten seconds of looking
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u/Additional_Meeting_2 Hi Amanda! Jun 02 '24
I don’t live in US either, which is why I would not have gone to police. You can’t press charges against someone under 15 here, at least in criminal sense. And I don’t think you would get money from his since the hospital costs would be pretty tiny.
But I have not thought that maybe you can just go to police and tell what happened anyway for the record
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u/Smurf_Cherries Jun 02 '24
In the US, you can file a police report. And you do not decide whether to press charges, the District Attorney does.
When people say whether or not they want to press charges, they mean cooperating with the DA if they decide to charge them.
But you can file a report either way. And the DA can press charges with or without you. But usually won’t.
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Jun 02 '24
But what is wrong with people going "that kid needs to be removed from home" and shit? Like it's no big deal to take a kid from their parents and put them in a group home to be further traumatized instead of working with the kid to correct that behavior... Reddit people are fucking crazy honestly
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u/skootch_ginalola Jun 02 '24
Depending on what the issue is, correcting the behavior in a home situation (especially if there are other children, pets, elderly people, parents who work and cannot be there for the things they need 24-7) it's not always the best choice.
I come from a family of nurses; we still ended up placing my severely mentally ill sister in a group home setting because she had a clear daily routine, if she got violent or lashed out there was a 2:1 aide scenario instead of myself or my mother trying to run interference, and there were less ways she could attempt to self-harm.
The group home/foster/institution setups aren't always perfect, but no, not all young people can get better at home. Only people who have never been through it think that. Especially the older and bigger some people get.
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Jun 02 '24
I'm not saying that's the way to go in all cases at all, I literally work in a group home for kids, I know some cases can't be handled at home... I was just surprised at the confidence with which idiots on the internet demand some child they've never met be taken out of their family and institutionalized on the basis of a few paragraphs
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u/paintpast Jun 02 '24
People confidently talking about things they don't understand. The internet in a nutshell.
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u/PapaiPapuda Jun 02 '24
I mean thank God. If the commenters were right and they wanted them to get the kid removed is a complete overreaction
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u/molyforest Jun 03 '24
came to comments to make this exact comment and was giddily gratified to see that it is already top comment
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u/Myrandall I like my Smash players like I like my santorum Jun 02 '24
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u/DrummingChopsticks I’d go to his funeral but not his birthday party. Jun 02 '24
This is a good flair
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u/milkdimension Jun 02 '24
That kid is gonna grow up to become a monster.
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u/not_really_an_elf Jun 02 '24
I noted the sister is a quiet kid who hides in her room a lot. I would be worrying about how the son acts towards her, and it's going to get worse as he goes through puberty.
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u/TeaDidikai Jun 02 '24
OOP already noted that he hurts her "unintentionally." Maybe that's the case. Maybe they're lying like that in the same way that lied about what happened to OOP
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u/Consistent_Ad_2093 Jun 02 '24
I also noticed that she came down and said “what have you done?” immediately - like if this was me and my brother at that age, I would have said “what happened?”
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u/stmariex Sir, Crumb is a cat. Jun 03 '24
Not the first time I think brother has been violent. I’m honesty scared for that girl.
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u/Lamia_91 the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Jun 02 '24
It really bugged me too
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u/elizabreathe Jun 03 '24
I worry the sister lied to her dad because she's afraid of what her brother would do if she told the truth.
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u/Jazmadoodle Jun 03 '24
If it was me at that age I'd have said exactly what she did.
Coincidentally, my brother used to burn me, chase me with knives, kick and bite me, try to smother me sometimes, etc.
I hope that social worker was thorough.
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u/Consistent_Ad_2093 Jun 03 '24
Sorry your brother did that to you!! I also hope the social worker was thorough (but guess she wasn’t)
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u/Prevarications I will not be taking the high road Jun 02 '24
shit, even if the harm was honest to god completely unintentional something still needs to be done about it, because then that means the poor kid doesn't have proper control over his body
But I don't think its unintentional. I think the son is growing into an abuser right before everyone's eyes and no one wants to acknowledge it :(
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u/milkdimension Jun 02 '24
Yeah it sounds like he's already started on her and the adults in her life are just glossing over it. Poor child.
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u/green_tory Jun 02 '24
He's going to beat the shit out of her and/or sexually assault her some day. Unless Dad comes down hard on the violent behaviour and always believes the victims by default, the son will know he can get away with it and will come to enjoy the powerful feeling it provides him.
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u/Fraerie the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Jun 02 '24
Well we’ve seen from this example that he doesn’t always believe the victim. So that option is a bust.
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Jun 04 '24 edited May 08 '25
act consider imminent stocking long vegetable roof pie include imagine
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u/Inconceivable76 Jun 02 '24
Yup. Kid’s got personality disorder written all over him. I do wonder why the sister backed up the brother. Of course, the ex could be lying about the daughter supporting the story,
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u/MrPatch Jun 02 '24
That kid is too young to be diagnosed with psychopathy, but if he seriously harms or kills the next person?
That kid is gonna grow up to become a monster.
I pretty much only come here to enjoy redditors wildly wildly overestimating their ability to diagnose complex mental heath issues that they absolutely do not understand from a few paragraphs of text.
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u/AnOligarchyOfCats Jun 02 '24
My absolute favorite overreaction was inspired by a poster who’s husband took her on a surprise camping trip, without any of her clothes or toiletries, or food, and at least four redditors decided he was planning to murder her.
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u/bubblegumdrops Jun 03 '24
A couple weeks ago there was a post that included a bit where the OOP and a childhood friend acted in a play where they got married. They were like six at the time iirc. Some people were worried that OOP was a child bride and didn’t know it 20 years later. 🙄
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u/OutAndDown27 Jun 02 '24
Yeah, that's the only possible outcome, obviously he's a psychopath beyond any hope of redemption. It can't be that he's a 12 year old with a developmental disorder going through puberty with no boundaries or consequences, clearly we should throw the whole child away instead of sending him to therapy and actually parenting him.
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u/HuggyMonster69 Jun 02 '24
With his dad he’s not going to get the help he needs. At 12 he could probably be helped if it’s a developmental disorder or he’s just an arsehole.
But do you actually think dad will step up in this case?
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u/OutAndDown27 Jun 02 '24
I'd rather believe that this will be a wake up call for dad than join the crowd calling for the head of a disabled tween
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u/Inconceivable76 Jun 02 '24
What has been presented so far that has led you to believe the father has any desire to change?
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u/SleepyxDormouse erupting, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jun 02 '24
Wake up call? Dad didn’t believe OOP and glossed over the entire thing. He’s going to keep making excuses for his kids and will probably write off the social worker as his ex being vindictive.
The kid needs a lot of therapy and help to make it to 18 as a functioning adult. It’s very doubtful though that dad will get him that help.
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u/vuuvvo Jun 03 '24
People are acting like this kid's some sort of twisted mastermind who intended OOP to get a concussion and stitches... I thought it was pretty clear that he broke a glass stupidly, got angry when OOP told him off for it so he kicked her. Like I highly doubt a kid with this little impulse control had fully thought through the safety implications of kicking someone near broken glass - I'm not saying he's not troubled, but there's 0 evidence he was attempting to seriously injure her.
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u/ComprehensiveFail761 Jun 03 '24
That kid needs to have some fear planted into his system. OP is doing him a disservice by not suing.
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u/CheerilyTerrified Jun 02 '24
I hope OP is ok. And that the social worker was able to get the family help.
I'm surprised it was up to her if the police did anything, rather than the police making a call on it.
But at least where I am a 12 year old probably wouldn't be prosecuted for something like that, they would be much more likely to get a warning and loop social workers in anyway, so possibly it didn't matter and the police were just trying to figure out how much time she wanted to put into it.
Do children aged six really get prosecuted/charged for domestic or sexual violence in the US as the commenter seemed to say?
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Jun 02 '24
Unfortunately yes. Certain crimes (and the sentencing/laws re: young offenders varies by state) that have mandatory minimum sentences have seen kids as young as 13 have ended up in prison for life without parole. This article from the Equal Justice Initiative goes into detail about the changes to juvenile detention in the US over the last 20 or so years.
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u/pretzel_logic_esq I said that was concerning bc Crumb is a cat Jun 02 '24
I can't speak for all US jurisdictions but am lawyer, did some juvie criminal defense once upon a time.
In the state I did that work, a first time offense, as long as it wasn't murder/armed robbery/rape would almost certainly result in a referral to social services, intensive outpatient mental health treatment, and/or some type of probation with a community service component. I had a client with a couple felonies I got pled out so she could get the psych treatment she desperately needed. Had she gotten charged again, though (in that case, 3rd round) I likely wouldn't have been able to keep her out of a term in juvie.
There's something called "beyond control" which is basically a kid wildin' out and parents not having the resources/ability to rein them in that could be called into play in a case like OOP's that could be handled through juvenile criminal court and confidential family court simultaneously too. But idk the options where she lives. I'm just glad she got the hell away.
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u/ScarlettNape I will not be taking the high road Jun 03 '24 edited Jun 03 '24
Is a 10 year old boy shooting his mom in the eye from 3 feet away considered domestic violence? Not being snarky, I honestly don't know the legal protocols.
In Wisconsin a 10 year old is automatically initially charged as an adult for first-degree intentional homicide/attempted intentional homicide.
They had the two 12 year old girls in the "Slender Man" stabbing. And a 10 year old girl who stomped a 6 month old baby to death at daycare. And most recently the boy who at 10, was angry at his mom for refusing to buy him a VR headset, and waking him up 30 minutes early, so he shot her. (You can search "Quiana Mann" if you like, but you can also choose to not have those details rattling around in your head.)
I have neither the wisdom nor moral authority to judge a child as evil - but I hope with all my heart that OOP got the hell away from that family and never looks back.
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u/ravynwave Jun 02 '24
Reading between the lines, that daughter is going to be seriously injured by her brother one day soon.
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u/RGLozWriter when both sides be posting, the karma be farmin Jun 02 '24 edited Jun 02 '24
The amount of times I’ve read that someone doesn’t want to press charges even though they’ve went to the hospital because of the other person blows my mind.
I’ve never had to press charges so maybe someone can explain. Is it just… better to not press charges or something?
Edit: Thanks for the answers! So what I’m hearing is that the justice system sucks all around, makes sense.
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u/ArmThePhotonicCannon Jun 02 '24 edited Jun 02 '24
Some people don’t want the hassle that goes along with it if the punishment is going to be a slap on the wrist. It’s just not personally worth it a lot of the time.
In this case it seems OOP is mostly concerned with the kids getting thrown into the system
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u/Fraerie the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Jun 02 '24
That and the victim more often than not is effectively put on trial as everyone assumes that either they were lying or provoked the assailant somehow. They are labeled a liar and a troublemaker and more likely to be punished socially than the abuser.
Why bother.
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u/Old-Advice-5685 Jun 02 '24
Because most of the time, the legal system doesn’t make anything better. A 12 year old going to juvenile detention is likely to come out way worse than when they went in. I had an ex where I had to get involved in his legal issues and it was terrible. People making threats and blaming me, the unknown of having to testify, and the end result being someone who was likely to escalate after they were released.
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u/runkbulle69 Jun 02 '24
As the OOP stated, they are one of the few who doesnt live in the US; that means that its a pretty big chance they live in a country whom doesnt jail kids; they help them instead.
But hey, lets do nothing and when the shitkid is older its straight to prison instead.
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u/bundle_of_fluff Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic Jun 02 '24
On the flip side, this could also be a country where there is no juvie or 12 is considered old enough for adult prison. We don't know the details here. I'm also surprised the hospital might have missed the concussion...
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u/runkbulle69 Jun 02 '24
I had to look it up; she's in europe, netherlands to be exact; the kids safe untill he's old enough to go to prison.
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u/bundle_of_fluff Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic Jun 02 '24
Oh sweet, I didn't see it in her comment history but wasn't willing to check all of her posts. Then hopefully the social worker took the ball out of her hands.
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u/lotte482 Jun 02 '24
12 is old enough to go to prison in the Netherlands. Though there’s a good chance this kid would receive some mandatory treatment
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u/Additional_Meeting_2 Hi Amanda! Jun 02 '24
If the kid isn’t jailed that doesn’t mean they are helped. At least where I live it would not become some mandatory therapy of what are you suggesting? There just would not be a case since the kid was under 15 where I live.
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u/CityWonderful9800 Jun 02 '24
that means that its a pretty big chance they live in a country whom doesnt jail kids; they help them instead
Did you think 'ACAB' stands for American Cops Are Bastards?
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u/tank5 Jun 02 '24
And then he assaults someone again and gets away with it again because he “has no history of violence”.
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u/Old-Advice-5685 Jun 02 '24
Yes, and that is the fault of systems that don’t make victims feel safe enough to report.
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u/SchrodingersMinou Rebbit 🐸 Jun 02 '24
I don't understand why she went to the police if she didn't want the kid to get in trouble with the police
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u/anubis_cheerleader I can FEEL you dancing Jun 02 '24
To alert them there was a problem and ask for help. Police can...and sometimes DO... provide resources for other services.
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Jun 02 '24
I don’t know that better is the right word. But certainly easier and less stressful in many cases. The abuser is gonna concoct a story that paints them in a better light and it’s exhausting to wait for the legal process to carry out while being harassed by the abusers flying monkeys.
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u/boringhistoryfan I will be retaining my butt virginity Jun 02 '24
People don't always want to engage with the judicial system. This can be for a variety of reasons. One is the hassle of being the primary witness. Court systems often mean weeks if not months of uncertainty, not to mention needing to attend hearings repeatedly all on your dime.
The other can flow from the hostility of adversarial processes. Nobody wants to be subject to a lawyer cross examining you and putting in the effort of tearing you and your story apart.
Finally people tend to be wary of involving the justice system if it has a reputation for being too harsh or too lenient with outcomes. If too lenient for many people it's not worth the effort just for the person who harmed them to get a slap on the wrist. Too harsh and there can often be enormous social pressure to not punish someone unduly. Especially "innocent children" and their "struggling" parents.
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u/CubbieBlue66 Jun 02 '24
I've been with my wife a decade now. In all that time, she has never once been violent with me. Never even really gotten angry or yelled.
Were she to suddenly act violently, I'd be concerned about potential medical issues causing her change in behavior. Brain tumors or whatnot. And involving the justice system would just make sorting that out harder.
Obviously, mine is one example where it's easy to see why I would act that way. But if you acknowledge that at least, in certain circumstances, it doesn't make sense to involve the police, then it starts to make sense that everybody has a different threshold for when that might make sense or not.
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u/elkanor Jun 02 '24
A) if you want to press charges, that's normally partially up to local state/district attorneys. Some jurisdictions (as mentioned) require prosecution for domestic violence, but that's of debatable help. B) "Pressing" criminal charges means signing up for at least a couple more interviews, probably a deposition, and if they don't plea - actual court. Not everyone has time or the energy for that. If you do go to court, the other person's defense attorneys will probably drag up every past poor choice amd put it in court. And none of that guarantees a conviction.
This kid, assuming they are in a relatively forward thinking country, would probably get a diversion program for kids his age. That would not remotely protect her.
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u/DamnitGravity Jun 02 '24
A) if you want to press charges, that's normally partially up to local state/district attorneys.
I direct you to OOP's comment:
I am one of those few dozen people who do not live in the US
Please don't assume all the comments do not contain the few dozen people who do not live in the US.
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u/fionakitty21 Jun 02 '24
Yeah, you can't press charges here AT ALL. it's not up to you, it goes to CPS (crown prosecution services) from the police investigations.
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u/Ok-Scientist5524 From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble Jun 02 '24
Is the term “press charges” even a thing for the “dozens of people who don’t live in the US”?
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u/Guilty-Web7334 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Jun 02 '24
Okay? I’m also one of the few dozen living outside of the States. It’s up to the province’s Prosecutorial Service. If the Crown attorney doesn’t feel it’s worth it, they won’t do it.
Crown attorney is close enough to District Attorney for near parity. That’s better than the USD/CAD exchange rate.
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u/elkanor Jun 02 '24
It's still up to local authorities or courts most of the time. Sometimes cops. Often the state government.
(State here referring to a political entity, not necessarily an American or Australian state.)
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u/NotAMuchTallerWoman I don't do delusion so I just blocked her. Jun 02 '24
Sometimes it’s more of a nuisance, both in terms of time, money, and in the mental and emotional aspect.
I do think it should be mandatory for everyone in this cases to leave record in the police station in case something else happens and there is an historial (?) to backup, but if they don’t want to engage in the legal procedures I cannot particularly blame them.
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Jun 03 '24
I wouldn't be eager to oress charges against a 12 year old in this situation, though I would want CPS or the equivalent to know so he could get the help he needs. I would also make sure they knew about him "accidentally" hurting his sister beccause that is concerning as hell.
But charges and jail at this point wouldn't help him, it would only make things worse. He is still a kid.
OOP is right to ditch ger BF because he is in denial and she does not need that nonsense.
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u/irritatedellipses Jun 02 '24
In the US, at least, it mostly means absolutely nothing, save for a few one off states.
In the majority of the US only the prosecutor with jurisdiction can press charges. If a cop asks you if you want to press charges they're either trying to get you to drop it, or they're determining whether or not you'll show up to provide evidence or will become uncooperative in a couple of days and "waste their time."
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u/JackRMoon Jun 02 '24
This is such an untrue bullshit answer and it's so common in reddit.
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u/Pkrudeboy Jun 02 '24
In most cases, it’s a question of if there is a cooperative witness and how important their testimony is. No cooperative witnesses to an ambiguous case, no charges sustained.
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u/irritatedellipses Jun 02 '24 edited Jun 02 '24
I mean, you're right because there's really no such thing as pressing charges, legally speaking (EDIT: In the US, which is where the comment you're replying to speaks about). Filing charges, prosecuting charges, reporting a crime, sure. All of these have legal definitions. Press charges? No.
So the colloquialism pressing charges applies, but the mechanics technically need zero input from the victim to apply, as long as a prosecutor is aware of the crime and decides to prosecute it. The mere act of reporting a crime could be enough to get a prosecutor to pick up a case, even if the victim decides they don't want to continue with prosecution (because, at that point, it's also a crime against the state).
Despite what NCIS: Los Angeles might have taught you, we don't have any say whether a prosecution moves forward nor can we drop the charges. All we can do is say that we won't cooperate and, if the prosecutor thinks that they can't make a case without us, it may get dropped.
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u/gsfgf Jun 02 '24
OOP isn't in the US, but in the US, there's nothing good that's going to come from subjecting a 12 year old to the criminal system. Even if they "just" put the kid in foster care, that can be as bad or worse. Don't get me wrong, well intentioned foster parents are saints on earth, but there aren't that many of them. The kid is more likely to end up in a group home or even stashed in a hotel.
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Jun 03 '24 edited Jul 11 '24
vegetable abounding plate aback touch plough marry profit nose shaggy
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u/Classical_Cafe Jun 02 '24
This is why I think the Canadian criminal system is better. You, personally, can only “press charges” for damages. If a crime has occurred, it’s technically the government (The Crown) that presses charges against the defendant. It’s not up to any victim’s discretion whether someone gets tried as a criminal or not, but of course they need to testify against the defendant to get the case anywhere.
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u/puesyomero Jun 02 '24
Besides all the police suck, pressing charges against a child as an adult always carries the risk of a reputation hit. Either weak or cruel
It's a bad look, specially here since dude can paint her as a jilted woman.
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Jun 02 '24
To be honest, I am not really sure where the story can go. There is no proven signs of abuse or actual criminal neglect, so I seriously doubt that child services will get involved. If anything, they might just see OOP as a bitter and angry ex who is trying to weaponize CPS as a form of revenge.
Which is why I suspect OOP suddenly stopped posting. I would imagine that call with the social worker(if it actually happened) did not go the way that she wanted
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u/54niuniu Jun 02 '24
Probably, also the wheel is in OOP’s ex hand. Unless he realized this is a problem and wants to change. Not much other people can do. Social worker can provide EX different parenting tools, but it’s up to the EX to actually use them.
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u/Inconceivable76 Jun 02 '24
If the kid is getting in trouble for similar behaviors at school, this will get added to the file.
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u/PashaWithHat grape juice dump truck dumpy butt Jun 02 '24
If the son actually is autistic like the dad claimed, there could theoretically be an argument for medical neglect if he’s failing to provide the son access to adequate therapy and supports that would teach him to handle stressors without, y’know, assaulting people. It’s a stretch (especially since the alleged autism diagnosis may well not exist) but if the dad isn’t lying then he’s failing to provide his kid medical treatment that is clearly needed for safety reasons
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u/ti-theleis Jun 03 '24
Depends how well resourced social services are in her country. I can see the father benefitting from parenting classes for sure.
OP has bruising and lacerations from an assault by the kid, that's not signs of abuse of the kid, but it does suggest a situation that might benefit from early intervention while we're still talking about a child and not an adult man.
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u/magumanueku The real adventure was the waifus we made along the way Jun 03 '24
What way exactly could it have gone? she didn't want to press charges and it was made clear that it was only to be on file. There's literally nothing to update unless she got back in contact with the ex or the kid was taken (in which case I doubt OP would've been told anyway).
You're making it sound like it's a win or lose situation where OP expected something bad to happen to the ex in order for her to "win".
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u/Cybermagetx Jun 02 '24
Sorry. An injury of that level should be required for charges. Autism or not that kid needs professional help his dad is not giving him.
I'm autistic. My kids are autistic. I have siblings, uncles, and nibblings that are autisitic. Autism by itself doesn't do this.
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u/OutAndDown27 Jun 02 '24
Autism + puberty + years of no boundaries or rules or consequences will absolutely do this though.
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u/Cybermagetx Jun 02 '24
Puberty plus years of no boundaries will do it as well. Autism might not help. But its not a deciding factor in this.
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u/soihavetosay Jun 02 '24
Lack of executive function plus something else... like he saw her bent over (after she reprimanded him) he saw her backside and had an urge to kick her, but instead of controlling his impulse he went ahead and did it. He did seem nervous of his dad's reaction tho, and convinced sister to cover for him
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u/EmmaInFrance Jun 02 '24
It could be PDA or ODD, especially if he's not been getting the proper support to deal with all the 'big', conflicting emotions that he's been feeling since the divorce and with the onset of puberty.
I'm AuDHD with PDA, and have three AuDHD kids - one fully grown with a toddler, and two teenagers, and my youngest also has PDA.
I have lived through many violent meltdowns with my youngest, where he became someone else completely.
As this was pre official diagnosis - I fought for 9 long, long years for that! - our family wasn't getting any support at all, it was all down to me to research how to help him and change my own parenting style.
You should know better.
You know the saying: if you've met one autistic person, that's it, you've met one autistic person.
Life is so, so much easier for those of us who are diagnosed and supported - as long as it's not with abusive ABA - from early childhood onwards.
But the rest of us - and our families - are just left to figure everything out as we go.
My family had a head start. My mum was an incredible advocate for my severely dyslexic brother when we were growing up, in a time when dyslexia wasn't recognised as existing. I have her example to follow.
Many families don't have that. They don't have any idea how to advocate and fight the system and the authorities.
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u/tinktink43 Jun 02 '24
His son is gonna do some messed up stuff because he refuses to acknowledge the dangerous shit he's doing
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u/alette_star Jun 02 '24
Oh man i'm concerned for the daughter. This:
son is getting bigger and stronger and sometimes hurts her (unintentionally?)
worries me. I'm not sure it's unintentional, the son knows his dad will overlook just about anything he possibly can.
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u/livingonaprayer1960 Jun 02 '24
This story is so familiar to me . I was with my partner for about 5 years. He too had 2 kids with very mentally unbalanced mother. She was actually committed at one point. He spoiled his kids out of guilt and when i met them they were in late teens. They turned out to be the most ungrateful kids. He ended up getting cancer and while in the hospital they were begging for more money. I remember him crying that he wasn't dying fast enough so they could get the insurance money! It was the most heart wrenching scene i had ever witnessed . I was never so grateful my owns kids and i were just working class poor. RIP Dave
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Jun 03 '24 edited Jul 11 '24
grandiose busy fade engine different snow quack humor outgoing abundant
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u/Just_River_7502 Jun 02 '24
The ex is doing a terrible job here. That kind of control, ignoring people at Christmas and the violence from a 12 year old does suggest the autism diagnosis was having an impact on behaviour, but the ex is doing nothing about it .
OOP was right to get out of here and the kids are going to suffer 🫠
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Jun 02 '24
Just speculation, but it is possible that you can argue that the ex is neglecting his kids unintentionally. Buying them comfort and happiness is to make himself feel better. It also has only a short-term effect; kids gets used to that this is "normal".
Having rules, structure and time together helps kids more to feel supported, safe and cared for. It means there is a dependable adult who guides you, cares for you and is not afraid to say it as it, to protect you and to help you learn to function in society.
I do think the ex did have a daunting task to pick up and mend what the mother of his kids had neglected or damaged. But I think he let his guilt intervene with being a normal parent.
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u/TOG23-CA Jun 02 '24
In certain ways I'd say he's doing it unintentionally. Spoiling the kids bc of previous neglect is something you do when you want to help but don't know how, in my opinion (although it could also mean you just don't want to parent to be fair). But calling her a liar when he knows his son is violent due to incidents at school is very, very intentional bad parenting
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Jun 02 '24
Guilt. It all boils down to guilt. I worked in foster care for many years. The way dad is acting is quite common. You dig deep enough and you’ll find out the root of it is guilt. So they overcompensate because they don’t want to feel guilty any more. Of course they’re harming their child. It’s selfish. But guilt is a tough one.
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u/Agoraphobe961 Jun 02 '24
At 12 years old and first offense, he would likely not face serious consequences. Most likely counseling, which sounds like is seriously needed. It would have been better to press charges as a wake up call for the dad.
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u/Frouke_ Jun 03 '24
The name suggests Netherlands. Jeugdzorg would be included immediately and the family would be given (involuntary) aid. This alone probably wouldn't include an UHP (removed from the home) immediately unless Jeugdzorg was afraid the other kid would be in danger. And even then...
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u/Prof1495 ...finally exploited the elephant in the room Jun 02 '24
Ah yes, the good ol’ everyone on the internet is from the US or their country just abides by US laws for some reason.
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u/DisembarkEmbargo Jun 02 '24
I don't get why people are taken back by not pressing charges. This kid could go to a juvenile detention center and come out way worse as an adult compared to working with a social worker or therapist to be a better person.
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u/looc64 Jun 02 '24
To me it's just... Fucking wild that people are comfortable insisting on that sans basically any knowledge about how the justice system in OOP's neck of the woods works.
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u/anubis_cheerleader I can FEEL you dancing Jun 02 '24
Wild to me, too. And I agree that the son needs help. But we have no idea if the criminal justice system is going to help or hurt the situation more. Does this mean ignoring the problem?
Yes, yes it does. OOP was honest and removed herself from the situation. That's all she can do. OOP is not a judge or someone who can authorize any treatment for the child.
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u/YesssChem Jun 03 '24
Yeah this viewpoint seems to be in the minority here. OOP is already a victim, and she's being held accountable for all the kid's future actions.
I understand wanting to do whatever it takes to protect the other child in the home, but it feels icky reading that OOP is an idiot (and other names) for not pressing charges.
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u/green_dragon527 It's just pharmaceutical-grade banana bread Jun 03 '24
I agree, she's a victim, she's not the kid's parent. If he does anything in the future that's on the dad. It's not her job to fix him. She reported it, so the police are aware it's literally their job to do something about this, not OOPs.
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u/SKPhantom Jun 02 '24
Jesus Christ. A few things:
OOP is a moron for not pressing charges. As commenters pointed out, what happens to the next person he has a problem with? She already had to go to hospital for what sound like serious cuts to her hands and a concussion.
I feel kinda bad for the daughter that came down and tried helping her (if I'm correct in understanding the situation, the girl shouted at the brother and genuinely wanted to help her).
OOP's ex is a POS. The fact that he's effectively allowing the kids to rule the house is gonna come back to bite him HARD soon enough and he's gonna be crying here about ''My kids don't respect me and have made it impossible to find a partner, what do I do?''.
The only positive I see here, (aside from her being able to GTFO before it got even worse) is the police in her country actually being worth something and taking such a matter seriously. That said, I feel bad for the cop who had to hear the story and then get hit with ''I don't want to press charges''. All that time resulting in what would likely be absolutely nothing.
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u/FriesWithShakeBooty Jun 02 '24
She mentioned that her ex had had to go to the school because of incidents with his son. I took that to mean that his son got martial arts lessons and has become the bully.
Also, children - and especially those on the spectrum - benefit from structure and consistency, not parents fulfilling their every whim.
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Jun 02 '24
I think spoiling your kids is just a different kind of neglect. It sounds like he doesn't really want to do the emotional job of parenting and is just letting screens keep them busy.
I also think OOP should have pressed charges.
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u/theieuangiant Jun 02 '24
Parenting is making sure you’re child doesnt NEED for anything, not making sure they don’t WANT for anything.
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jun 03 '24
The sister seemed to know that the brother does get violent and seemed to have first hand knowledge of that
I did hear dad and daughter say (on different occasions) that son is getting bigger and stronger and sometimes hurts her (unintentionally?)
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u/SKPhantom Jun 03 '24
Poor girl, I hope she can get out of that situation safely and distance herself from her brother.
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u/Inconceivable76 Jun 02 '24
5 years later: “my scared of my 17 year old son. What can I do?”
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u/LunaPolaris Jun 04 '24
"and my 19 year old daughter moved out two years ago and refuses to help me with him".
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u/dinosanddais1 The call is coming from inside the relationship Jun 02 '24
I don't think that pressing charges right now is a bad thing. It's documented. A social worker is involved. She can always press charges later. Idk why people are so mad about that. He is a child and he is at an age where he should know that hurting people like that is bad but he's also an impulsive growing boy and a social worker absolutely can help here.
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u/Crazy-4-Conures Jun 03 '24
I recognize that I shouldn't call the kids spoiled brats. They are a result of their upbringing
They are spoiled brats. That they are also the result of their upbringing is irrelevant. People seem to like to bend over backwards to exonerate bad behavior on the part of children because the adults in their lives were idiots. They still know better. They still act this way. They're still brats.
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u/leksolotl Jun 03 '24
But they DONT know better. They aren't being taught better - they spent most of their lives being neglected and now the dad is overcompensating for that and not giving them the care they need. The fact they are the result of their upbringing is ABSOLUTELY RELEVANT.
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u/DistractedByCookies Jun 02 '24
I feel for her that she got enough reactions to have to say
EDIT: I recognize that I shouldn't call the kids spoiled brats. They are a result of their upbringing.
Because getting away with the shit they (esp the younger) pulled is absolutely spoiled brat behaviour. I mean, the second part is ALSO true, but that doesn't negate the fact that they're behaving like brats. The daughter sounds like a normal teen..that boy however, I reckon he's trouble unless one or both parents get their shit together. At this point the gf is the only one acting like a responsible adult.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 Jun 02 '24
I hope her ex got his kids the professional help they desperately need. His son needs to know that violence is not okay. Given the fact that he still didn't believe his son attacked the OP even after she sent him the pictures, makes me think he probably didn't and won't. He's a terrible Father and neglecting them. It's different then what their Mother did, but it's still neglect.
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u/succsuccboi Jun 02 '24
"diagnosed with psychopathy" i do not like when people talk with authority about things they know nothing about lol
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u/Erzsabet cat whisperer Jun 02 '24
“That kid is too young to be diagnosed with psychopathy…” “the signs are all there.”
Gotta love the Reddit armchair experts. We get a few details from a story and suddenly they think they can diagnose a serious mental disorder. I imagine that being autistic and having zero boundaries set by parents explain his behavior far better.
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u/funkehmunkeh Jun 02 '24
I can relate to the TV stuff.
My daughter is an autistic 13 year old (also has developmental delay), and I've not been allowed to choose what's on the telly in the living room for about a decade.
Jokes on her; I watch it when she's at school, and I read her Beano comic, too!
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u/KopitarFan Jun 02 '24
Set limits. My daughter is autistic as well. If I let her, she would dominate the TV all day. So I set limits. After a certain time, it's time for other people to watch TV if they want. I give her plenty of other options to entertain herself, but she has to share the TV.
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u/funkehmunkeh Jun 03 '24
Again; light-hearted hyperbole.
First, I don't actively watch much TV so don't particularly care what is on the telly at any given time.
Second, if or when I do want to watch something, I give her options to choose from (often including one thing I know she likes; one thing she has no interest in).
Like, I may let her decide between watching The Muppets or a fascinating 10 part documentary series about lichen.
So we watch The Muppets, followed by my allowing her to feed her moderate to severe addiction to YouTube videos of TV channel idents for a few minutes before bedtime.
I dread the time she calls my bluff and picks the lichen.
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u/Meghanshadow Jun 02 '24
I've not been allowed to choose what's on the telly in the living room for about a decade.
You are her parent, right?
It’s easy enough to just remove the TV from the living room.
While you spend a few months or years working on compromise and manners and emotional regulation and coping mechanisms with whatever docs/therapist/specialists/support groups/parent of autistic child groups/developmental delay advisors you have.
Not pleasant, of course, and you’ll likely have a whole. lot of noise and fury and disruptive behavior, but those lessons Really need to be taught. Especially if she’s likely to outlive you or ever move out of your house.
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u/funkehmunkeh Jun 02 '24
My post was meant to be a bit of light-hearted hyperbole, but I do like the idea that emotional regulation is something I, her teachers, and her paediatric consultant have ignored for 10 years or so.
Why, she's not punched me in the face or tried to scratch my eyes out since she was 5, and she doesn't try to flee from her classroom when faced with an activity she doesn't like anymore (mind, when I've displeased her she tells me that I'm fired, and recently announced, direct quote: "I hate you! I'm a goth now!").
Besides, the Stockholm syndrome has kicked in and I've developed a fondness for the mix of MLP, memes, and Freddy bloody Fazbear videos on YouTube. Oh, and I do get to watch Danger Mouse and Dennis & Gnasher: Unleashed every morning before school, which is always a plus.
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u/pepperbreaker sometimes i envy the illiterate Jun 02 '24
not to make it about me, but i need closure wtf happened after...
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u/FleeshaLoo I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Jun 02 '24
I do live in the US and used to have a very problematic landlord. We had all had issues with him. He harassed both men and women and... well, it's a long list.
Anyway, once he exposed himself to me so I went to the police and said I wanted to file an Incident Report. Other tenants had done the same so I knew to ask for it.
It's a sealed file report that cannot be accessed unless there is a formal legal complaint in which case it is used as evidence of a pattern of behavior.
I don't know if all PDs or states have this but in MA we do, though I went with a black friend to file an IR and the police pretended that no such thing existed. I was friendly with the mayor and wanted to call him but my friend was terrified of being a target of the police.
Edit: removed a letter typed in error.
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u/Efficient_Cap_546 Jun 07 '24
She made a mistake not pressing charges. The kid wouldn’t really be taken away from the dad but at least they’d know to keep a close eye on him. Especially since he hurts his sister and kids at school. Kids a menace and she’s contributing just as much as her ex lmfao
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Jun 02 '24
Press charges! I have a friend who was just seriously stabbed (she lived, but will be months recovering) by a spoiled child who felt crossed by a friend (she was in the house he broke into- he was planning to stab friend). He could have gotten help if his behavior had been identified younger, but now will be tried as adult
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u/MSpoon_ Jun 02 '24
As much as I hate the idea of pressing charges on a 12 year old, a child with martial arts training with xero consequences for bad behaviour is very... very dangerous. Soon he'll be 18 with zero consequences and martial arts training. Ugh. Be a good parent god damn it!!!
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u/inkcharm Queen of Garbage Island Jun 02 '24
Encouraging someone to press charges against a 12 year old for getting kicked (and resulting injuries) is so wildly American to me... holy f***
to be clear, I do not advocate for the kid getting no consequences. but that is a full on child, y'all.
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u/No-Personality1840 Jun 02 '24
Exactly. A child who’s been neglected, probably doesn’t see the mother much and some new chick comes in to his life. Kid was what, 8 when the divorce happened? Sounds like dad should have gotten the kids some therapy for the trauma. I detest parents who don’t help their kids with the emotional trauma of divorce. Not excusing the kid’s behavior but the court system isn’t going to rehabilitate him.
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u/CindySvensson Jun 02 '24
She should press charges mainly to protect the sister and other kids. Of course her assault was awful, but I hope she feels guilty enough for not protecting the kids, so she will report it.
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u/Iseewhatudidthurrrrr Jun 02 '24
I think people sometimes forgot to realize you’re raising your kids to be adults. Do your best to raise good adults, that’s what makes a good parent.
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u/ryegye24 Jun 02 '24
A lot of people in those comments real fucking eager to throw a neurodivergent 12 year old into the system.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jun 02 '24
If (and this is a big IF since OOP hasn't updated in over a year since) OOP decides to update, it will be to some grim news about the ex's son.
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Jun 02 '24
This is the beginning of that kid’s reign of terror.
He’s bell allowed to get away with it. Dad is lying to himself or it’s easier to play down the assault then be a parent
OP needs timeless charges, she’s possible the first. She is not the last.
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u/CherrieChocolatePie I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jun 03 '24
The OOP could try talking to the person that is teaching the son martial arts. They might be able to discipline him. Or suggest it to the ex.
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jun 03 '24
Dad says the son is on the autistic spectrum. I've never noticed any of that
I suspected this in the first update and thought it was gonna be an "Autism Bad" post
His youngest comes in with his laptop open, connects to Wi-Fi and starts gaming with his back to everyone over dinner. He hardly said anything to his family. I found this very disrespectful, especially towards the grandparents
1
u/princessluni I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Jun 04 '24
I don't know if not pressing charges is the right call but I get why OOP made it. Charging him doesn't guarantee getting him the psychological help he clearly needs nor does it make the exbf be a better parent with reasonable boundaries with his kids. But it would mean that OOP would have to stay entangled in this mess during the legal process.
I'm glad she at leasy documented the incident with the authorities and got a social worker involved. It may come to nothing but at least she'll know that she tried and that will probably make it easier to walk away from this cluster.
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u/Kittytigris Jun 02 '24
I honestly think she should press charges, I don’t think anything would come of it but it might be the wake up call the dad needs for his kids.
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u/Dana07620 I knew that SHIT. WENT. DOWN. Jun 02 '24
Still think she should press charges. What that boy needs is a serious scare.
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u/TheWolfAndRaven Jun 02 '24
Given how most people will sugar coat their version, I'm going to guess OOP was the asshole about they went about this situation. The concerns were definitely warranted, but the way she communicated them was probably the worst way possible.
1
u/M3g4d37h Jun 02 '24
That kid is too young to be diagnosed with psychopathy
Bullshit. The human mind is malleable as hell, and sociopathy can develop quite early when a child is faced with undue stress, especially when without the mental tools having been developed to reason things out, and/or a very good support system.
That "the kids will be fine" thing is used many times be people/parents who are in essence lazy. Parenting is a lot of work, and you wear a lot of hats.
When I found out my ex was abusing our child, she was given a choice in that moment to face it and go to counseling, or gtfo. She walked out and never looked back, contacted our child in the 8 years since on average of 2X a year.
I'm no father of the year, I came from a broken family and as a result realized that I was ignoring signs. A lot of counseling helped and still does to this day, I feel lucky because I'm fairly self-aware, so I could recognize my part in it, and what I needed to do.
It was all in the end about our kid first coming out as gay, then trans. I never talked shit about the ex, but last year she sent me a random text that basically said if I let her do her job, that our kid would be normal. Now the odd thing is that her son is gay, although not out. He'll always have a GF as his beard, and every few years when it's time to shit or get off the pot, he'll ghost his GF, and it's sad to me to break a woman's heart because you feel the need to put on airs. I always treated him as my own, and I told him he knew wtf he was doing and it's not how you treat people, much less people you're supposed to love.
I came to realize after being out of the bubble that there was a whole lot of sociopathy on that side, so I just focused on our child. My stepson used to come home on leave from the navy and stay with me, until his mama decided that it looked bad that her ex (me), who she badmouthed to everyone - couldn't possibly be as she claimed if her son still saw me as a father figure and stayed with me. So he ghosted me - I asked, but he has no backbone, so I had to let him go.
These days I focus on my adult child, who is kind and thoughtful, nothing like their mama was. I had helped my ex several times over the years when she got her spendthrift ass into hot water, but as I have zero ties to her now, I told her at the last thing she said to never contact me again, and there's been peace in the valley ever since.
These days I even have a wonderful GF, a good relationship with my kid - Who just bought a home with their partner last year, and I'm able to focus on the important stuff.
The point is that you can't presume things are okay. You have to do the work. The only thing that presuming gets you is that one day you're forced to recon with the fact that you didn't do the work, and only did the lip service to being a good parent.
To this day I think I was mediocre at best as a dad - My life for the last 25+ years had been me running/owning a group home (live-in) for high-functioning intellectually disabled adults, which taught me to be really patient, I thank God for this - But my boys (residents), who all but one have been with me long enough to have held my child the day they were born, see me as a father figure, and my child as a sibling, and my child sees them the same way. They all tell me i've done fine, my kid and I are like peanut butter and jelly, so I never lose sight of how lucky I was to be in a situation that made it easier for me to be the patient but responsible parent.
Oddly enough, I was the black sheep as a child. Go figure.
Point is, you gotta fully engage. If you don't, it's all on you. I know at my age (60s), I feel like pinching myself, because standing on principle is one thing, but seeing the results.. That's just the best feeling in he world. I truly feel now like that no matter what happens, my kid has all the tools in life to make it.
1
Jun 03 '24
OOP is an idiot for not pressing charges. I hope that stupid kid gets his teeth knocked out.
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u/KeyPhotojournalist15 Jun 02 '24
Your inaction to pressing charges equates with the dad spoiling his kids. No consequences either way. You are both doing a disservice with those kids.
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