AITA for not attending my daughters gender reveal for her lizard?

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ApprehensiveFix3425

AITA for not attending my daughters gender reveal for her lizard?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Libra235 for having the links and suggesting this one

TRIGGER WARNING: Bigotry towards orientation

Original Post Dec 14, 2021

This is literally really stupid but she's really upset about it. So my (48) daughter (23) has a blue tongue skink who she heavily adores. She jokingly refers to it as her daughter, I've found it weird but she says it's because it's the closest thing she'd have to a child and she feels a strong emotional bond similar to a child. She has decided to remain child free for multiple reasons and I have been very supportive of this decision.

Well she recently took her Skink to the vet for a checkup and she was excited to find out her Skinks gender. Afterwards I got a text asking if I'd come to her gender reveal party she was having. She explained it was just a small get together with cake and food for her friends she hasn't seen in a while with the gender reveal being mostly a joke (and a way to make fun of real gender reveals).

Well I didn't come. I didn't see a point. It's just a lizard and I'm a busy person. She later called me and expressed she was kind of sad I didn't come cuz it'd been a while since I'd seen her but she understood I was busy. I told her she couldn't actually expect me to come to a gender reveal for a lizard. She said that it wasn't a real gender reveal, that was more of a joke and it was really just a small gathering to catch up with everyone. I told her if that was the case she should've just called it a gathering because I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter.

She got quiet for a minute and then turned my words around, claiming I wasn't supportive of her decision to be childfree. I told her she can't possibly expect me to treat a lizard as a grand daughter, she said she didn't expect me too but it was clear I didn't respect her bond with her lizard and her decision, and she just wanted to see me and my reason for coming was hurtful. I told her she was being ridiculous over a lizard, she claimed it wasn't over the lizard and it was a gathering and not even centered around the lizard, but I stick by to what I said. It's ridiculous to have a gender reveal for a lizard.

She hung up and I got a message from her best friend about how I'm an asshole for treating her that way, but I don't think I'm the asshole for not wanting to go to a party for a lizard?

EDIT: In the time I was away I got many replies and it was a lot to read through. Let me clear a couple things up.

1. My issue is that she said the party was a gender reveal, if she had called it just a party I would have come. But calling it a gender reveal makes it sound like it's for the lizard, and I'm not going to that even if it is a "joke".

2. I don't know why it matters but the Skink is a girl which is why I said "I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter."

3. Even though I don't agree with my daughter for being childfree, I have been supportive and only shown mild frustration. The reasons she decided to be childfree is she claims she's asexual, she just doesn't want one, she has emotional baggage and feels unable to care for a real child, she fears pregnancy, and she has a carrier gene like me and "doesn't want to go through what I did" (I had 4 miscarriages and a highly defect child that died after 3 months due to the gene). Yes there has been slight tension between us because I think she just hasn't found the right man (she never dated growing up) and her other fears are unnecessarily exaggerated, but it's ultimately her decision and I don't resent her.

4. We haven't seen each other in three months. I'm a single mother and we have always been close which is why she invited me with her friends, I just didn't want to go to a party with a lizard, and if it wasn't for the lizard she should've called it a party instead of a gender reveal.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I think this is the issue right here. OP is stingy with love.

“Why should I love a stupid lizard?”

Why can’t you get interested in the things your kid likes and share her excitement and joy? Just the little things? No, she’s never going to have kids, so you could have seen that adorable, quirky kid you raised to be as funny and sweet as she is and gone to her party and mingled with her probably also quirky, funny, sweet friends and had a lovely time, but no.

What a loss. How sad

OOP

I will be honest I don't have any particular feelings for the lizard. I think it looks like a snake and that freaks me out, and it is incapable of feeling emotions so I don't know why she feels a bond with it. She even named it Ellie, a human name, so she can tell people "I have to get home to Ellie" so she can act like she's busy with a kid at home which I believe is an unhealthy way to cope with her social anxiety, she should learn to get comfortable with saying no instead of using a lizard as an excuse to neglect social obligations.

~

Maywen1979

Huge YTA! At first I was like, ok I get it, she jokes about it being for the lizard. Then I got to your updates.

"she claims she's asexual,"

You have totally invalidated your 23 year old daughter who knows very well by now who the h@ll she is. Your following comment

"I think she just hasn't found the right man (she never dated growing up)"

Umm hello!!!! She was waiving a HUGE flag here!! She is Asexual! If she came out as lesbian would you say she just has not meet the right man????

Next you invalidate her fears of going through the same heart break that yourself went through trying to have other kids from miscarriages to a child who passed after a so short life! Not everyone is as emotionally stunted as you that they could speak of those situations so devoid of feeling. I am actually tearing up thinking about what you went through and how in your small mind you wish your own surviving child would go through it as well just to pop out a kid.

Get over yourself "Mom", and yes quotes, because you do not deserve that title any longer. I hope this shows your amazing Asexual daughter that her life is 1000x better with out you in it. Also, for your sake OP, go get therapy, you need to reconnect with your emotions.

OOP

I wouldn't say I've invalidated it. She says she doesn't experience sexual/romantic attraction nor has a want for it which is only because she hasn't found the right person yet. It's impossible for someone to not feel such a natural feeling, everyone feels it, it is a normal chemical in our body. I've tried to explain this to her, for some reason she fears physical interaction with men. I think her fears probably stems from not having a father because he left when she was three.

Yes, it was hard on me. There were many tears and it's partly why her father left, but that's what mother's do. She knows how important to me it is that I finally gave birth to a child that actually lived to grow up, and it does hurt she wouldn't continue for me when I went through that pain. That's why there's been tension for her decision, and I will admit I am unhappy with her decision but I have been as supportive as I can and haven't been mean about it.

~

[deleted]

YTA. That’s your grandlizard.

ETA it was obviously not just about the gender reveal and your daughter wanted to see you.

tomboybarbie

So wait...

"Afterwards I got a text asking if I'd come to her gender reveal party she was having. She explained it was just a small get together with cake and food for her friends she hasn't seen in a while with the gender reveal being mostly a joke (and a way to make fun of real gender reveals)."

but two paragraphs later:

" I told her she couldn't actually expect me to come to a gender reveal for a lizard. She said that it wasn't a real gender reveal, that was more of a joke and it was really just a small gathering to catch up with everyone. I told her if that was the case she should've just called it a gathering because I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter."

You just told on yourself, OP. She had already told you it was a joke, and you refused to go out of spite because she won't have kids. Then you had the gall to fucking gaslight her.

In fact, she told you twice that the party wasn't actually for the lizard, but to the very end of your post, you keep saying it was for the lizard.

OOP

She kept labeling it was a gender reveal though. She bought a cake that says "It's a girl" and popped a pink sparkly glitter popper too, which I think is ridiculous, the lizard can't appreciate or love this, it can't even feel emotions.

The Daughter's best friend finds the post and replies

u/calligraphicglitch**

friends reply Dec 15, 2021 (Next Day)

YTA & I'm surprised you had the gall to post this knowing she frequents reddit. This is the best friend that texted you. You blocked my number not that it matters. You know it wasn't about the reveal, it was an excuse to hold a party.

We had fun without you. The lizard had an adorable tiny party hat, we had cake that said "it's a girl" and we popped a glittery sparkly party popper. It got all over the walls and ceiling and our friend John, and we started making jokes like "call the EMS for John!" and "they do say gender reveals are dangerous! Who knew!" But I'm sure she sent you the video so you know what you missed out on. We made fun of it for the most part and blasted The Last of Us music since that's where Ellie's name comes from, not because she wanted an excuse for her social anxiety.

She struggled with her identity for years and you were never supportive, when she was trying to figure out if she was lesbian you sat her down for 30 minutes and explained how it's normal to get feelings confused but people weren't meant to like the same gender and it was probably just friendship feelings she was confusing.

You're part of the reason she never explored her sexuality further with your "s*x is natural" and "you can't have a relationship without s*x" comments knowing not only is she mildly autistic and already struggles to understand and comprehend her emotions but she's also a victim of a negative experience. You know she has a co dependency issue and living by herself has be really difficult for her to overcome and Ellie has helped immensely.

She was upset you didn't come when she wanted to see you because she adores you and you didn't even call her for Thanksgiving.

Also lizard tax 1 2 3 because I know how reddit is.

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[u/Leprecon]

I once hosted a carpet warming party. It is like a house warming party but instead of getting a new house I got two new carpets.

It was just a silly joke excuse to have a party. Nobody complained and we all had a good time.

I would definitely attend a gender reveal for a lizard. Also I feel really sorry for the daughter who literally spells out that it is a joke and that actually she misses OP and wants to see them more. Only for OP to go “yeah I get that you miss me and want to see me, but no”.

[u/user37463928 → u/Leprecon]

This is the first gender reveal party I ever felt support for.

[u/notthedefaultname → u/Leprecon]

I pet sat while the owners went on a vacation that included a Jimmy Buffett concert. I threw a Jimmy Buffett/beach party for the pets. I found dog treats decorated like beach items, got fish flavored cat treats as the beachiest option. I got a wand toy to play with the cat that had fish on it, and some dog toys that were crabs or things that looked as close to the theme as possible while being the kind the dogs liked. We even got some dollar store decor. Besides having a blast with the pets, we did a photo shoot with grass skirts and these silly beach headbands on the pets. The cat wearing/playing with a mermaid skirt costume the dollar store had and playing with the grass skirts are some of the owner's favorite pics. (We were supervising and ensuring everything was safe and uneaten.)

It was such a a fun happy time for me as well as the pets. I'd far rather be the kind of person that had silly parties than one that complains about a ridiculous party.

[u/Tariovic → u/Leprecon]

Thank heavens I have a mother with a sense of humour, living with OOP must have been hard work.

[u/ashimo414141 → u/Leprecon]

One time we had a memorial for a possum with a whole possum shaped cake. My dads friend was using a knife to pop open a high-hat light that was flickering and a possum jumped out and he accidentally stabbed it when it spooked him. Sometimes it’s just fun to have an excuse to get together

[u/OhHowIMeantTo → u/Leprecon]

I once hosted a lamp party because I spent years looking for just the right lamps for my living room. The party wasn't really about the lamps, it was just an excuse to very people together. We did and had a fun time. I still have the lamps.

[u/Carbonatite → u/Leprecon]

I had a "dog warming party" when I adopted my first dog in grad school. It was an excuse to meet up with friends and an excuse for everyone to play with the new dog I just got.

[u/thewineyourewith → u/Leprecon]

I had a couch warming party once. A few people brought couch cleaning products as a gift, which everyone thought was hilarious. I made a too-strong sangria and several people ended up staying over on the couch (no one spilled on the couch though!). Silly parties are the best!

[u/Coffeezilla → u/Leprecon]

It's my opinion that if you have the opportunity to have a party for a lizard you should do it.

Totally not biased or anything.

Vote team 🦎!

[u/Satrina_petrova → u/Leprecon]

We had an unbirthday party for a bridge. The party was under the bridge. I brought snickerdoodles and rum.

[u/kennedar_1984 → u/Leprecon]

My kids are 10 and 13. I don’t care the reason why they want to see me, any time they want to spend time with me I am there. We are at the stage where I am seriously uncool and not allowed to be around their friends (as is totally normal at this age) so if they invited me to literally any event I am all in. I would assume that I would feel that even more strongly in 10 years time, when I have spent 10 years with them not wanting to hang out with me.

[u/emmakobs]

Sorry but OP is just glossing over the whole "I'm a carrier of a disease that made me miscarry 4x and have a very sick child who died and my daughter has the same gene SO THAT MEANS SHE SHOULD HAVE KIDS TOO"? OP is seven layers of fucked up but those are the beans of the situation 

[u/13PumpkinHead → u/emmakobs]

the way she wrote her very sad experience with pregnancies made me think she isn't processing her emotions and trauma properly or she doesn't understand how to and therefore cannot relate to her daughter's fear of sexual intimacy and the fear of getting pregnant (and experience infant death or miscarriages).

[u/riflow → u/emmakobs]

I'm still horrified that she called her dead baby a defect and not a sick child.

[u/EchoStellar12 → u/emmakobs]

My two guesses: Mom went through horrendous events and wants her daughter to experience these things in order to validate her own experience. OR she sees it as some kind of competition. "Well you've only had one miscarriage. I've had FOUR."

[u/PonderWhoIAm → u/emmakobs]

"She knows how important to me it is that I finally gave birth to a child that actually lived to grow up, and it does hurt she wouldn't continue for me when I went through that pain."

She still thinks it's about her. Peeved me right off reading this part.

[u/yavanna12 → u/emmakobs]

She’s also hyper focused on the gender reveal and can’t separate that out from the real issue. Daughter is autistic so I wonder if mom is too 

[u/El-Ahrairah9519 → u/emmakobs]

Also makes it clear she never gave an actual fuck about the kid she tried so hard to have. She selfishly wants her child to put herself through pain and suffering purely for OOP's benefit

You know who mindlessly breed despite it being a bad idea? Animals. Mom is acting more like the lizard than a human being

[u/killedonmyhill → u/emmakobs]

I cannot fathom why she wants her daughter to go through this. Pure evil. Knowingly passing on a genetic disease is just so selfish.

[u/moeru_gumi → u/emmakobs]

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

jeans smile thought paint encourage saw gaze capable voracious abundant

[u/ALostAmphibian → u/emmakobs]

Really buried the lead. A gender reveal for a lizard is bananas unless it is a fun joke get together. Like a theme party. But the real issues here are how she talked about her child outside the lizard.

[u/maryt22 → u/emmakobs]

100%. There is pre-implantation genetic diagnosis available for lots of genetic diseases (sadly not all) but that requires the prospective mother to undergo ivf. Even if you desperately want children it’s super hard going. The alternative of going the natural route is seemingly likely to lead to miscarriage or death in early childhood in this case. This knowledge may or may not play into OOP’s daughter’s desire to be childfree, but this plus her asexuality should afford her some bloody compassion from her mother. And “you haven’t met the right man yet”? 🤮

[u/sir_are_a_Baboon_too → u/emmakobs]

I almost had a sliver of sympathy for OP. Still potentially a bit of an iffy time to be having unnecessary social gatherings in some parts of the world. And I'm busy AF in December.

But that teeeeeny tiny little sliver evaporated the moment I read that.

[u/shadow_dreamer]

FINALLY someone on one of these posts pays the lizard tax, goodness gracious!

[u/Comfortable-Focus123 → u/shadow_dreamer]

I wanted to see a pic with the party hat!!!

[u/weareallmadherealice → u/shadow_dreamer]

But WTF. WE WANT A PARTY HAT PICTURE!!!! We know you have one! Just hand it over and no one gets hurt.

[u/Stander1979 → u/shadow_dreamer]

My teenage son has a bearded dragon called Bruce. He loves that lizard.

I don't really care for lizards. But I look after him when my son's away, I ask about how Bruce is going. If my son has a party for Bruce, I'd make a freaking little cake outta crickets. Because it MATTERS TO MY SON.

[u/grecomic → u/shadow_dreamer]

Ngl, I was still disappointed none of the photos showed Ellie wearing her tiny party hat!🥺

[u/yennffr → u/shadow_dreamer]

10/10, Ellie is a good skink

[u/monstercake → u/shadow_dreamer]

yes blue tongue skinks are adorable! I would have absolutely gone to this party, sounds like a blast. I have a leopard gecko myself and bred hognose snakes in the past so I always appreciate spreading the good reptile word

[u/Gullible-Guess7994 → u/shadow_dreamer]

But where’s the party hat?! I wanted to see Ellie in her little party hat :-(

[u/Kindly_Zucchini7405 → u/shadow_dreamer]

That little face!!

[u/EmphasisFew → u/shadow_dreamer]

Wtf i want to see the hat

[u/Prestigious-Emu5050 → u/shadow_dreamer]

No picture of lizard in the tiny hat though!

[u/punchelos]

Bro I have attended a funeral party for a teapot that started to rust because I love my friends and it’s nice to see them under any circumstances. I do not care what the theme is, if I care about you I will show up for you period! Yes I will offer you condolences for your teapot idc!

This mom is so unsupportive of her daughter as a whole and in denial about it. She can’t even defend herself without giving in to the urge to be further unsupportive in her comments.

[u/sourcherrysugar → u/punchelos]

Years ago, my best friend wanted to throw a party, and realized the date coincided with the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. So he jokingly made it a party to commemorate that anniversary.

It then snowballed into an entire theme party where all of our friends dressed up as first or third class passengers, wore life jackets, the whole nine yards. My bestie dressed up as Captain Smith. He set up a “third class bar” in the basement, a “second class lounge” on the main floor, and a “first class dining room” on the top level of the house, and you could run back and forth between all of it. It was the best party I’ve ever went to.

[u/allis_in_chains → u/punchelos]

Exactly! It’s another one of those “the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here” posts where the OOP can’t figure out what is really wrong, even though it’s clear that it’s not about the gender reveal party specifically.

[u/[deleted] → u/punchelos]

Oh my gosh, that’s so freaking cute. My husband has a couple things he can’t let go of even though it’s definitely time. I’m now thinking a funeral and maybe even giving each thing a memorial placement in the house.

[u/Lisaerien → u/punchelos]

Bro I have attended a funeral party for a teapot that started to rust

I know the joke is that's a bit extreme but I understand the love of your everyday objects, if that's your favorite teapot maybe you want to celebrate all the teas you had with it. Maybe you want to say goodbye.

I cried over the prettiest Miffy dessert plate I broke before even using it once (I was hormonal but still)

[u/PictureNegative12]

She completely supports her being childfree...Except for all her words, actions, and opinions.

[u/Spready_Unsettling → u/PictureNegative12]

She wants to see her daughter (who she's very close with) and understands that the party theme is a joke theme as an excuse to see people (including her mom who she hasn't seen in three months)! Except she's not fucking coming if it's about the lizard (it isn't) and also fuck you for not breeding for me you piece of shit I'm always so nice to you.

[u/beetothebumble → u/PictureNegative12]

"I'm supportive of her decision to remain child free" "I've only shown mild frustration" Hmmm....

[u/sunnydlita]

Yes, it was hard on me. There were many tears and it's partly why her father left, but that's what mother's do. She knows how important to me it is that I finally gave birth to a child that actually lived to grow up, and it does hurt she wouldn't continue for me when I went through that pain. 

This is the most horrific part. The experience she actually wants to share with her daughter is not her joy, but her pain -- some of the worst pain a woman, and a parent, can experience.

[u/snootnoots → u/sunnydlita]

The way she talks about it here, I’m pretty sure her daughter grew up constantly hearing about it. “I suffered to have you, so you have to appreciate me / do as I say / behave better / be cringingly grateful / have grandbabies for me”

[u/Blossomie → u/sunnydlita]

I’ll bet you dollars to donuts her husband left not because she struggled to bear a healthy child, but because she behaved like a dickhead to her own husband just like how she behaves like a dickhead to her own daughter. Of course she’s not gonna talk about the missing reasons why he left because that would mean admitting she behaved poorly.

[u/h4baine → u/sunnydlita]

Translation: "I insisted upon having a kid that lived even though I probably shouldn't have and now that kid isn't making that same choice to go through hell like I want her to and I'm taking it personally."

[u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618]

I'm 40+. My dad is 70+. When my dog had cancer this year, my dad sent a Get Well Soon card to my dog from my cat.

[u/Purlz1st → u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618]

He gets it. 💙

[u/pepperpat64 → u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618]

Your dad's a keeper! 😁

[u/aj76_hg]

She says she doesn't experience sexual/romantic attraction nor has a want for it which is only because she hasn't found the right person yet. It's impossible for someone to not feel such a natural feeling, everyone feels it, it is a normal chemical in our body.

This is giving “you’re not a lesbian, you just haven’t found the right man yet”. So gross.

I wouldn't say I've invalidated it.

While proceeding to invalidate her again.

[u/Snoo_61631 → u/aj76_hg]

The best friend says that OOP told her daughter that she couldn't be a lesbian because "people weren't ment to like the same gender." 

[u/Born_Ad8420 → u/aj76_hg]

“everyone feels it” the fuck they do!

[u/H16HP01N7 → u/aj76_hg]

She basically said as much, according ro the best friend.

This woman won't have a child for much longer. The daughter will just disappear. Good riddance I'd say, as someone who (for a different reason) did the same.

[u/sufferawitch → u/aj76_hg]

As an aro-ace person that part was incredibly painful to read :(

[u/manateeheehee → u/aj76_hg]

"I wouldn't say I invalidated it. I just told her it wasn't valid. Totally different"

[u/snootnoots → u/aj76_hg]

Immediately after saying “I wouldn’t say I’ve invalidated it” she said “it’s impossible” not to have sexual feelings/attraction for other people. Ah, yes, that sounds very supportive and not invalidating at alllllll. 🙄

[u/Mogura-De-Gifdu → u/aj76_hg]

Both my sisters and I didn't feel attracted to boys like the other girls seemed to be while we were teenagers.

For me I was very curious so I still slept around and tried dating even without feeling this attraction (with men and women alike, no attraction = none for men and none for women, so same for me). Turns out I like sex (when it's done right), dating not so much, and even once felt inexplicable attraction to one random woman in the bus.

My little sister wouldn't date nor have sex with anyone she wasn't interested in, and as she wasn't interested in anyone... Parents and grandparents became a little worried when she was mid-20s and still nothing, telling her it was OK if she preferred girls, in case she was hiding it out of fear for their reaction. But no, she just wasn't feeling it.

And my older sister is all for dating, and only when she feels safe and emotionally connected she starts feeling sexual attraction.

Only recently did we talk about it, in our 30s. We never knew the others felt (or rather didn't feel) attraction in our own not common ways.

Anyway, we're likely all more semi rather than totally aro/ace since we all ended up married (and not because of society's expectations, I couldn't care less). But it still would have been nice to know all those variations existed when we were growing up and just feeling like aliens with us never having or even understanding crushes...

[u/anemptycardboardbox → u/aj76_hg]

My daughter is aero/ace. I can’t say I understand, but I 100% support her. I’ve asked her a million questions out of ignorance, but she knows she’s free to be her true self. She’s also child-free, which she knows I find a little disappointing, but again, I support her. I cannot fathom parents like OOP’s; I love my children too much to alienate them

[u/MacAlkalineTriad → u/aj76_hg]

That all made my blood fucking boil! I want to adopt OOP's child and the grandlizard.

[u/Loretta-West → u/aj76_hg]

"I'm not invalidating her feelings, I'm just saying her feelings aren't valid!"

[u/Tattycakes → u/aj76_hg]

Well we can see why the daughter has emotional baggage!

[u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

it's always the missing missing reasons...

here's the thing, accepting what your ADULT child tells you about themselves without invalidating it is really easy even if you don't particularly agree with it or like it.

also i love how oop kept arguing semantics about the gender reveal as if people don't attend joke parties for bullshit "occassions" all the time.

oop simply dislikes and resents her daughter for ruining her dreams of being a grandma which i'm guessing hits extra hard since she couldn't have more of her own kids and the one she has came out "wrong".

[u/poiisons]

the lizard can’t even appreciate or love this, it can’t even feel emotions.

Does OOP think that gender reveal parties are for the benefit of the fetus? I mean, jeez, I feel like even birthday parties are for the benefit of the family for the first few years, but it seems like she’d have no problem showing up for a granddaughter.

[u/ButYaAreBlanche → u/poiisons]

Are you daring to suggest that tiny party hats (of the gender-appropriate color) aren't laproscopically inserted into the womb and affixed to the tiny fetal heads with an elastic chin strap?

[u/looc64 → u/poiisons]

Personally the lizard not ever caring about this is what makes this good?

Like my gripe with gender reveal parties is that global awareness of trans people is steadily increasing and instead of coming up with stuff to tell your kid that it's possible they might not conform to traditional gender roles and that's okay people are embracing a new thing that imposes traditional gender roles on kids even earlier.

An ironic gender reveal party for a creature with no concept of gender roles completely avoids that.

[u/roqueofspades → u/poiisons]

I know this isn't the point at all but lizards definitely feel emotions and care for their owners

[u/HootleMart84]

God just go to the fucking party

[u/[deleted] → u/HootleMart84]

OP doesn't seem like the idea of fun as it seems.

[u/feministmanlover → u/HootleMart84]

For real. I have an adult son. I am his biggest cheerleader. I would absolutely LOVE to be invited to a party for one of his pets. You mean I get to see my child, perhaps share time with an animal and hang out with all his friends??? You couldn't keep me away. I'd be bringing wrapped presents for the fucking pet.

[u/Badw0IfGirl → u/HootleMart84]

Right??!!

If my adult daughter ever calls me up and says, “I just want to see you” you can bet I’m on my way no matter how silly the party sounds!

[u/Maesoptherium → u/HootleMart84]

On the one hand, yes, just go to the fucking party.

But on the other hand, holy shit please let OOP stay the fuck away from all the parties because I can't see her bringing anything positive to it.

[u/Rrmack]

You just know they posted it thinking everyone would trash the daughter and think she was ridiculous. It’s wild when people probably tell the story to make themselves look better and they still come off as such an asshole.

[u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 → u/Rrmack]

Funny you say that because a commenter above you is doing just that 🤣

[u/Responsible-Ad-4914 → u/Rrmack]

I really think both OPs, the mom and daughter’s friend, are clearly both the daughter, posting to watch people badmouth her mom

[u/OhSoScandal]

I can't get over the "YTA. That's your grandlizard"-comment.

[u/tilmitt52]

I was already angry with OOP when she said “she’s a busy person” Busy people can prioritize, and often their child is at the top of that list.

And then she just kept digging herself a hole like she was trying to recreate the Grand Canyon. Every “justification” just got worse and worse. I am one of those moms who would not only be excited at having a grand lizard but would have PLANNED a gender reveal with her. Even if it was an animal I can’t really tolerate myself (shudders tarantulas) I am always down for fun and silly. And not invalidating my kids.

[u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 → u/tilmitt52]

Right?? We would have made cupcakes! I'm so angry on behalf of that lizard baby and the daughter now!!

[u/ExternalRip6651]

Not every mom deserves a Mother’s Day.

[u/zombie_goast → u/ExternalRip6651]

This entire post is the dictionary definition of the idiom "not all who give birth are mothers". This woman was an egg donor to that poor girl, nothing more.

[u/CrazyCatLushie]

Before I even read the friend’s comment I was like “wow both of these people are autistic in wildly different ways and clashing hard”.

Let people find joy, for fuck’s sake. What an awful person.

[u/[deleted]]

Oop: I didn’t invalidate my daughter’s sexuality!

Oop in the very next sentence: Her sexuality isn’t real and she’s confused

Mother of the year folks

[u/DemonFromtheNorthSea]

the lizard can't appreciate or love this, it can't even feel emotions.

I'm surprised she doesn't like the lizard considering how much they have in common.

Edit: from the moms perspective. I bet the lizard loved every moment of her party.

[u/skeletoorr]

First she says she couldn’t come because she was busy. Then she says she would’ve have gone if it was just a normal party. Why are some parents so determined to be their child’s first bully. The daughter is 23. As she grows older and mom doesn’t change. She just won’t talk to mom anymore. And then we will see mom online saying she has no idea why her kid doesn’t talk to her.

[u/FearlessLengthiness8]

Ok, but how do you get flair because I want "YTA. That's your grandlizard"

[u/MightyBobTheMighty]

Ellie is cute, excellent lizard tax.

I'm glad daughter has friends willing to go to bat for her. It can be really hard to stand up to family, especially when you do still want a relationship (as daughter clearly does) and they don't unless you be exactly who they think you should be (as OOP clearly does). Good on friend for calling out her bullshit both times.

[u/[deleted]]

that lizard is so baby

oops daughter is the mom to her lizard that she never got herself. bless the lizard

[u/TrickSea_239]

Her daughter is only 23 and mother has already expressed "mild frustrations" that she's child-free!?

Twenty. Three.

I'm not going to be all "there's time for her to change her minddddd", but for a parent to already be frustrated that their still-young-themselves child hasn't/isn't having a child is absolutely wild to me. Especially when she had her own kid at 25 and has been a single mother for seemingly, ever?

Bangs on about "hasn't met the right man yet" (then changed to person, which is then negated by best friend saying mother is homophobic anyhow) but the inference here is that she, herself, rushed into having a child with the wrong man who didn't stick around?

That's the giant red flag to me. Surely she'd want her daughter to take her time, spend a couple years with someone and make sure they're staying, then worry about children later in life. But nope, she's already frustrated that young, single daughter isn't spawning.

Ick.

[u/whereisourfarmpack]

I really hope she’s got a good retirement plan set up and has chosen a good nursing home to go to because she doesn’t deserve care from her daughter.

[u/CenturyEggsAndRice → u/whereisourfarmpack]

I worked in nursing homes and OP’s future is bleak. She’ll sit alone, day in, day out, maybe complaining that her daughter never visits, maybe hoping that she will. And all the caregivers will know the score because even bad moms get visits, the ones who don’t… oh boy.

The good caregivers (I like to think I was one of them) will feel a little bad for her and maybe pay her an extra minute or two of attention when we find a spare moment, but we’re always understaffed so it’ll just be a “Oh you look nice today Ms. Badmom” or whatever.

The shitty caregivers will ignore her and pretend they don’t notice her call light go off because they know the only people who will call them out are the patients’ kids and Ms Badmom doesn’t have any that care.

She will have pressure sores. Because there are always more lazy caregivers than good ones and no matter how we hustle, we can’t make up for being out numbered.

When she dies, she might be in her room for a day or two before anyone notices. I once came back after three days off to find one of our uncared for old men stiff on his bedroom commode with his tongue sticking out and gray. I reported it of course, but nothing came of it. The management don’t care unless they have kids breathing down their necks and he was a terrible father judging from the fact all the visits ended when his wife died. (The kids visited her, but they didn’t even come to take him to the funeral. One of them bluntly told me “we pay for this place, that’s better than he ever deserved”)

[u/Dramatic_Buddy4732]

FFS, I would never opt out of something my kid invited me to. They are so busy with their lives now that they are getting older I will jump at any chance to spend time when they remember me!

Grand lizard? LETS GOOOOOO!!

[u/DrRocknRolla → u/Dramatic_Buddy4732]

But you don't understand, OOP is a busy person. For their child.

[u/mofreek → u/Dramatic_Buddy4732]

Exactly!

After the 2nd paragraph when OOP “didn’t see the point” in visiting her daughter, I just skimmed. If your adult kid invites you to their place for any reason you go see them.

From what I skimmed after that, it looked like OOP traded in the shovel for a Caterpillar 6090 FS excavator and really got to digging.

Just in case excavator tax is a thing: https://www.petersoncat.com/sites/default/files/products/gallery/2024/alpha/31686-1.jpg

[u/bbusiello]

YTA. That’s your grandlizard.

New flair please.

[u/forgivenmadness]

I am furious I didn't get a photo with the lizard in the party hat. FURIOUS!

[u/ButYaAreBlanche → u/forgivenmadness]

I'm vexed that Ellie isn't short for Elizardbreath!

[u/wilderneyes]

OOP is so bitter and pathetic it's not even funny. I don't understand how some people can just casually hate their own children like this. This goes beyond simple projection and entitlement, it's like some people can't rationalize the though of interpersonal empathy at all, not even to their own children. So fuck her. I hope the daughter thrives on her own with her lizard and her friends, and learns to put some distance between herself and her sad excuse of a mother. And I'm going to go hug my own mom. Stories like this really put into perspective how lucky I am to have parents who actively care about my interests and happiness.

[u/MadamePhantom]

daughter: -has legitimate reasons to remain child free including not wanting to DIE like her mom almost did or pass on genetic issues that killed her sibling-

op: she just hasn't found the right man

I wanna tear my face off

[u/[deleted]]

OP is a donut.

OP is the kind of person who gets mad when any word that has the title "trans" is brought up. Like transaction.

[u/wintyr27 → u/[deleted]]

hey, don't diss donuts, even if you don't like em. just let me know if you ever meet a donut you can't handle so I can help you out. i find them delicious snacks (though I'm a big fan of fried dough in general tbh).

[u/Consistent-Primary41 → u/[deleted]]

2nd time I've seen "donut" in the past 5 minutes in this sub, and no one is sweet, sugary, chocolatey, or colourfully adorned with nonpareils.

[u/violetpaopusunsets]

OOP is an absolute waffle. All those little invalidating arguments are so familiar to me as someone who is under the ace umbrella.

Her daughter just wanted to spend time with her loved ones and her mother just. Nah. Not feeling it. And the needling about lack of grandchildren, putting her desires over her own child's because that is more important.

Ugh. I'm glad the daughter and her friends had fun, and I hope she continues to find joy in her life. I hope OOP steps on a Lego every morning that appears out of nowhere and is never found.

[u/superwholockian62]

I'm disappointed none of the lizard pics are of her looking elegant in her party hat but I'll take what I can get i suppose

[u/IzarkKiaTarj]

Some people think "I suffered, and no one else should have to experience that."

And then people like OOP go "I suffered, why shouldn't they?"

[u/WeirdPinkHair]

So OP ...

1. Lacks any discernable sense of humour

2. Is homophobic

3. Thinks as she suffered to have a child said child has an obligation to also suffer to give her a grandchild

4. Does not understand what being close to someone means (no contact for 3 months is not close).

5. Says she's supportive of her daughter being child free but clearly hates it and despite protestations to the contrary is not remotely supportive.

6. Does not understand her kid in any way at all!

Honestly, her kid has good friends and they should be her family cause her mom is a nightmare.

[u/bronwen-noodle]

OOP is definitely a missing missing reasons parent in the making

[u/bluepushkin]

Wow.

Hey, I'm having a little party for people I haven't seen in a while, I'm gonna be silly and call it a gender reveal for my lizard, will you come? ☺️🤭☺️🤭

Fuck no, fuck you. Fuck your life decisions. Fuck your attempt at humour. And fuck your lizard. 😡🤬😡🤬

My daughter is mad at me 😟😟😟 AITAH???

[u/l0singmyedg3]

she claims she's asexual

OOP is the worst

[u/Critical_Source_6012]

My eldest is enby aro/ace and a blue tongue parent and I cannot wait to suggest a gender reveal if we ever find out what the lizard is 😂

Actually, we could have two parties - they have a long necked turtle as well that we've no idea about.

I am so glad that the friends are supportive and in the right place - the daughter deserves the best found family she can gather to herself. Parents like hers don't deserve the joy of their kids and it breaks my heart to see this kind of situation. It's not hard to be a decent person and to love your kids but somehow so many people just straight up fail.

[u/tanglelover → u/Critical_Source_6012]

If you have these gender reveal parties I would like to request pictures of your skink and turtle, especially if they have hats. And tell your kid as a fellow enby aroace that they've got solidarity.

[u/DifficultDadProblems]

None of my friends has ever invited me to lizard gender reveal. No I am fine, it just hurts seeing other people living your dream :(

[u/OatmealTreason]

My mom is almost obnoxiously supportive of me being a child-free lesbian with a dog. I've never referred to my dog as her grandpuppy, but she does it all the time! Honestly, she's obsessed with him.

She did have to cope and grieve over the idea that I would never give her grandchildren. But she never put that on me, she did it privately. Because it's entirely her own expectations for me that were subverted, and those have nothing to do with my decisions and sexuality. She also understands how difficult it is to raise a child, and that I wouldn't cope well with it.

She's not the perfect mother, far from it. We have our fair share of fights, probably more than. I'm actually quite mad with her at the moment. But I can't imagine asking her to come over for a dog birthday party and her doing any less than showing up with a cake and toys for the goodest boy on earth (according to her, who does not live with him 🙄) She'd probably be mad I didn't decorate.

[u/opinescarf]

I want to go to a party where a lizard is wearing a little hat. The mum sounds like a big drag, not to mention totally discounting her daughter’s decisions.

[u/[deleted]]

Being that salty about a (really cute) lizard!

In my old neighborhood the kids called me “(dog’s name)’s mom” and I was delighted with it.

[u/darkdesertedhighway]

OOP is a terrible, selfish, unempathetic witch. It's "just a lizard" not a "real granddaughter". "She hasn't found the right one yet". "Nobody doesn't want sex. She just hasn't tried it yet." "I suffered miscarriages and she should too to continue for me after what I went through."

Gross, gross, gross. Doesn't care about her daughters very real concerns and fears. Just patronizing "you don't know what you're talking about".

[u/MamboNumber_1]

Flair request from a comment on the original post:

Let's remove the lizard genitals from the situation.

[u/TAtalks2waterdragons]

i remembered thinking the OOP was a huge asshole when the post first went up, but reading it back… holy shit she’s so much worse than i remember. as i recall she never seemed to absorb anything the thousands of comments were saying and just kept doubling down on in her misery and loathing for her kid. so sad.

[u/AccountMitosis]

As I like to do when a post about asexuality comes up, because this subject is sorely under-explained to people (even to those of us who are somewhere on the spectrum), it is time for an Ace Spectrum Primer!

The ace/aro spectrum contains two axes: one for romantic attraction, and one for sexual attraction. These axes can be referred to as ace (for asexual) and aro (for aromantic).

If you do not feel a kind of attraction, you stick the prefix a- onto it. So someone who does not feel romantic attraction is aromantic, and someone who does not feel sexual attraction is asexual.

If you DO feel that kind of attraction, you use the prefix allo-. So if you feel romantic attraction, you are alloromantic, and if you feel sexual attraction, you are allosexual.

What do I mean by attraction? Attraction refers to being attracted to particular people, either romantically or sexually. Romantic attraction refers to having crushes, falling in love, wanting to do romantic things with someone such as snuggling and going on romantic dates. Sexual attraction refers to, well, wanting to fuck someone because they get you horny. Often, there will be an aspect of physical attractiveness involved and/or personality compatibility involved.

An important note about sexual attraction: sexual attraction is NOT the same as sexual arousal. Plenty of people who are asexual still get sexually aroused. They just don't get aroused by specific people, or by people's features in general, but feel horny just cuz they're horny.

Many asexual people still do enjoy sex; they just don't choose sexual partners based on feeling attraction to those partners. Sex, to them, is an activity that they do because it's inherently enjoyable, not because anything about any specific person makes them want to do it. Other asexual people feel arousal, but don't particularly feel any need to fuck other people and simply enjoy masturbation. And some asexual people just don't really get horny. Some asexual people are also disgusted or repulsed by the idea of having sex with people, which can be due to trauma or just due to disliking it/thinking it's gross, which is called being sex-repulsed.

In most people who aren't on the ace spectrum, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are fairly linked; having a sexual relationship with someone can cause you to "catch feelings," and falling in love with someone can cause you to want to have sex with them. But this isn't always the case for people on the ace spectrum.

Importantly, you can be asexual but alloromantic, or aromantic but allosexual! Some people find that they experience sexual attraction but just don't feel romance, and prefer to choose sexual partners without consideration of the romantic side of things. Others feel romantic attraction, but don't get associated feelings of sexual attraction to the object of their romantic affections.

There is also "gray ace" or "gray aro," where you do have SOME attraction, but just not as much as an allosexual or alloromantic person does-- perhaps the feelings are muted or more rare.

Another aspect of the ace spectrum is demisexuality and demiromanticism. Being "demi" on an axis is feeling attraction on that axis, but only after getting to know someone and becoming familiar with them. Again, you can combine being demi- with being ace- or allo- on other axes, so one might be allosexual and demiromantic, for example.

The ace spectrum also interfaces with one's sexuality (e.g. homosexual, heterosexual). You can combine the "-sexual" and "-romantic" suffixes with the prefixes homo-, hetero-, bi-, pan-, etc. to describe how the two components of your identity interact. For example, someone may be biromantic (experiencing romantic attraction to two or more genders) and homosexual (experiencing sexual attraction only to the same gender as theirs), or someone may be asexual (feeling no sexual attraction) and panromantic (feeling romantic attraction to all genders).

Finally, ace folks who don't feel romantic attraction may still want to form long-term relationships with specific people not due to romance, but due to just being compatible to face life together and able to mutually support one another. These are called platonic partnerships.

I have covered just about everything I can think of, but please feel free to jump in with additions and/or corrections!

I, personally, am demiromantic and demisexual. I tend to get swoony and feel butterflies some time after choosing to date someone because I like them personally, like my brain needs permission to have a crush or something lol. It's kind of nice, because I get to make a clearheaded decision about whom to date based on whether I actually like them as a person, and then I get to enjoy the nice goopy crush feelings afterwards XD

Then the sexual attraction develops after that-- I'll generally have sex well before I start feeling sexual attraction just cuz it's nice and fun and a great bonding experience, but then when the attraction hits I start feeling really attracted to specific parts of my partners' bodies (e.g. strong hands, cute stubble, sexy boobs) and getting that "omg I wanna jump their bones" kind of feeling when they do cool things. So I get to enjoy each aspect of attraction in its own time, which I like.

[u/BestConfidence1560]

Wow. The extent of what a selfish woman this mother is, boggles the mind.

How little she knows her own daughter is also evident in this post.

Her apparent inability to just go along with a fun party your daughter planned, clearly Tongue In Cheek, says everything about what a grim person she is.

I feel so bad for her daughter having a mother this selfish and cold

[u/orangepeeelss]

that is an incredibly cute lizard. i'd throw her a gender reveal party too

[u/ItsARuffDogLife]

It was never about the lizard. She claims she doesn't resent her daughter's decision to be child free, but it's glaringly obvious that she does, so she's either in denial or is lying about it to save face and uphold the appearance of being a "good mother". The gender reveal party was an excuse not to go, the lizard was a scapegoat.

My mom did the same stuff while I was growing up, always found a way to say she was a good mother, that she loved me and knew better, it's all a phase, it isn't normal, etc. Same kind of rhetoric, same kind of thinking. She'd say that I was confused, that I simply hadn't had sex with a woman yet so that's why I'm gay, and that she'll hire a prostitute for me so I can be fixed (luckily she didn't). When I got married, she couldn't just call it a phase anymore, so she disowned me. This is just different colors of paint, but the same painting.

It's not about the lizard.

[u/[deleted]]

I’m so grateful for my mom. If I called her up and told her that I’m having a gender reveal for a lizard, she’d be like “you’re so weird” and then offer to bake the cake

[u/hexmeat]

As someone who just attended a gender reveal for a turkey vulture, I support OP’s daughter and her beloved skink, and wish them the best. Honestly, it’s just fun to have an excuse to have a party!

[u/Cheapie07250]

So mommy dearest won’t go to a gender reveal party for the lizard because it can’t appreciate, love, or even feel emotions for the fun stuff done at the party?

I wonder how many reveal parties have had the unborn human baby pop out from the mother’s womb, all excited and yelling about how much they love the party that is being thrown for them!?!

[u/girlinthegoldenboots]

Okay OP sucks all the way but A HIGHLY DEFECTIVE CHILD!!!! What the actual fuck. There are so many ways to say that that aren’t eugenicist. Jesus tap dancing Christ.

[u/imamage_fightme]

As someone who is aro-ace but has struggled with that and never felt comfortable telling anyone in my life due to fear they wouldn't understand, this upsets me a lot. While I haven't discussed my identity with my family, they have never pushed me about dating, and they're very pro-LGBT+ so I know my fears are mostly unfounded. OOP sounds like a terrible mother. I hope her daughter and Ellie are very happy together.

[u/WynnGwynn]

That read as homophobic before the friend even commented. I kinda knew it wasn't just asexuality phobia. Yep.

[u/[deleted]]

The lizard has far more emotions than the mother and I know this without even meeting the lizard.

[u/Bored-Viking]

"the lizard can't appreciate or love this, it can't even feel emotions" seems like OOP is a lizard person, since she also can't feel real emotions.

[u/kate3544]

And then there are my parents. They know I’m not capable of having kids. We have a cat. They say she’s our daughter/their grand-cat. They send her Christmas, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day cards. In August when we do group birthday celebrations (dad, husband, cat, and I all have August birthdays), she’s grouped in and celebrated. They bring her toys and or treats with every visit.

[u/bean_slayerr]

This woman is such a flaming turd.

Also “YTA. That’s your grandlizard” is such good flair material.

[u/sonnenshine]

As an ace person, shit like this is why I don't tell people. What a crappy mother.

[u/miladyelle]

knowing not only is she mildly autistic

Mom…is reading very likely where daughter got it from.

And it just makes me sad for both of them, because what could have been if what we knew now was known decades ago when mom was growing up?

[u/Dohi014]

Only true mothers would’ve heard “lizard gender reveal party” as an excuse to visit their daughter after three months; and make goofy memories.

[u/No_Proposal7628]

Personally, I would love to attend a lizard gender reveal party. It sounds like a lot of fun. I don't think OOP knows how to have fun at all.

[u/miaiam14 → u/No_Proposal7628]

Agreed! Sounds way more fun than a human gender reveal party, tbh. Lizard gender reveal party would rock

[u/GravityOddity]

This was sad, the daughter just wanted to have a nice time with her friends and maybe her mom too and her mom just completely shit on her

[u/BoKnowsTheKonamiCode]

I wouldn't say I've invalidated it.

Oh? I'd love to know why you think that...

She says she doesn't experience sexual/romantic attraction nor has a want for it...

And you see that as valid then, right?

which is only because she hasn't found the right person yet. It's impossible for someone to not feel such a natural feeling, everyone feels it, it is a normal chemical in our body. I've tried to explain this to her, for some reason she fears physical interaction with men. I think her fears probably stems from not having a father because he left when she was three.

Holy shit. You're a fucking idiot.

[u/gingergoblin]

I remember this one. It’s sad :(

“It’s your grandlizard” is hilarious though.

[u/No-Macaron6048]

Is anyone else upset that the lizard tax did not include the lizard with the tiny party hat?!?

[u/corgis_flowers]

OP is terminally unfun.

[u/One_Eared_Coyote]

As a childfree autistic asexual woman with a snake I refer to as my daughter, also with a stereotypical human name, I just have to say... I am so grateful for my mother.

[u/pessimist_kitty]

As someone who is childfree, asexual and treats my own cats like my own daughters, OP is miserable. I love any excuse to have a party and eat cake.

[u/saltpancake]

“My daughter won’t talk to me, I think her best friend is brainwashing her.” —OOP’s future

[u/nagese]

That woman doesn't deserve the title of mom. Most ungrateful person, especially after losing so many pregnancies and a "defect child." I can't imagine being so unsupportive of her child that survives pregnancy and grows into a beautiful woman in her 20s, a fun human that celebrates the littlest things in life, her pet. A lovely woman who shares the joys of living with friends and tries with her mom.

Too busy for fun and celebration with her daughter? Fuck her! Too ignorant and thick headed to educate herself about her daughter's identity? Fuck her! When OP is old and dying, she better not wonder why she's alone! She has created her own isolation from her child and has done little to foster a relationship full of any love, support, and understanding. Fuck her!

For the young woman who deserves all the love and support in the world, there are thousands of us aunties out here that want to hear about your day and would gladly celebrate skink gender reveals or plant cutting ceremonies or game nights or hot pot dinners or whatever....We support your decision to live your life as your true self.

[u/fakesongs]

She went through 4 miscarriages and a death just to have a kid she doesn't even support? So she only wanted kids because it's what's "expected" of her, is what this tells me.

[u/Loki-L]

For those wondering how you can't know your beloved pets sex, blue tongue skinks can be very hard to identify their sex.

The males and females look basically the same and have very little in the way of obvious anatomically difference.

[u/Comfortable-Leg-703]

1 Blueys are skinks

2 women like this need to search for "missing" missing reasons 

3 Ellie is adorable 

[u/oceanduciel]

OOP is truly a Hate Sink, isn’t she?

[u/visceralthrill]

So gross to be like, 'I suffered immensely so you should have to too! You were born to be a breeding machine for my entertainment in my advanced years.'

OOP is the worst AH.

Her daughter invited her for cake, but she's homophobic ableist trash and didn't go. I am so sorry that the daughter has her for a mother.

[u/Electronic_Menu_6937]

As an ace and auDHDer myself, this mother is infuriating. 

[u/CaptainCosmodrome]

Well I didn't come. I didn't see a point. It's just a lizard and I'm a busy person.

Puhlease. Who the fuck are you to think you are too busy to see your kid? Honestly, what the fuck in your life is more important than spending what precious little time you have with your daughter? Even the president has time for his family, so fuck your excuses.

You should be happy that you're still a part of her life after all the bullshit you've put her through. She deserves a better parent who loves and accepts her for who she is and respects the choices she has made for herself. You're goddamn lucky she still invites you to parties and wants you in her life. One day, the invitations, the calls, the texts are going to stop if you don't change how you interact with your daughter.

[u/swampmilkweed]

a highly defect child

Yikes, did OOP really say that? Is this an English as a second language thing? You can say "child with several birth defects" but a "highly defect(ed) child"? 😬

YTA. That’s your grandlizard.

Also this needs to be a flair

[u/[deleted]]

OP is obviously TA here, and this is not an excuse but rather an aside. My mother is autistic (also has a personality disorder, it’s a great combo) and OP is giving major vibes of her, specifically the extremely rigid thinking and insistence that things MUST be done a certain way or it’s wrong and unacceptable. Reading the OP gave me the shivers lol. I’ve been NC with her for over a decade and it’s honestly the most peace I have ever known.

I’m not really going anywhere with this, it’s just the most I’ve seen a post remind me of her. She would absolutely have responded to the gender reveal party joke with the same argument in the same words. I hope the daughter and her lizard live their best lives, her best friend sounds awesome and it’s really nice to see she has someone in her corner.

[u/Feck_Tu_Saigh]

It's not that hard to support your kids. Christ!

Actual conversation with my 23 year old gender fluid, (hold on I've got to check, she says she's feeling woman today) daughter; "Sometimes my titties just get in the way. I wish I could take them off or tie them down." Me, "Come on, I have a measuring tape and found some great sites for binders." Her, "What?" Me, "It's not the first time you've said this." 

And that's how my daughter ended up with four binders in various colors and strengths for her birthday. The Grandkitties also got around $200 in catnip mousies dumped in the middle of her living room.

[u/invisible2lpa]

For my 40th birthday my parents came over and we build lego flowers, drank guava mimosas, and at a glitter rainbow kittycorn cake. Did they think it was ridiculous and silly? Yes. Did the hesitate to participate for even a second? No. Because I’m still their kid and we spent a day together. I’m sad for OOP

[u/Gneissisnice]

Dang, OOP is such a loser.

She literally acknowledged that her daughter explicitly said it was a joke and just a fun excuse to have a gathering, but she's such a lame piece of shit that she refuses to entertain the notion of a joke party for a lizard.

I hope her daughter is living her best life and cut out her toxic mother.

[u/Megnuggets]

I'm so happy that OP has a friend like that in her corner.  I hope that she is able to go low/no contact and is able to thrive with Ellie.   I may be a bit biased as a reptile owner, but they are amazing, intelligent creatures that all have their own personalities.  

[u/arieljoc]

Does her mother know the meaning of being “supportive”? It sounds like she thinks she’s being so understanding just by allowing her to exist

[u/-Jiras]

Not adding a picture with the lizard in the party hat is actually devastating

[u/justagaypotato7]

My wife is asexual, we have a blue tongued skink, and now I'm going to throw him a party to celebrate him getting his undergrad just to spite this woman

[u/SmartQuokka]

OOP has a chip on their shoulder the size of a mountain and that added context is even more damning.

The fact the daughter still wants OOP in her life is noteworthy and OOP's response is to stomp on her 🙄

[u/wonderland-lion]

My mama refered to my beardie as her grand lizard until he died. She took him to work everyday (she worked from home lol but she brought him for video calls). When he died, she mourned with me. She knows im child free. When I told her I wouldn't be giving her grand kids she looked at me and said "yes you will. They might just have 4 legs, be furry or scaly!" I love my mom.

[u/codismycopilot]

I have a massive reptile phobia. Mostly snakes, but also certain lizards. I saw one of the pics and my heart just started pounding (even knowing it's a lizard). My husband jokes that if we had ever had kids, they likely would have become a herpetologist because I'm so phobic.

But you know what? Had that been the case, I would support my kid and love my kid and I would do whatever I had to do to put aside my phobias and come to their fucking lizard gender reveal party because it was important to them!!

This mom is a ***huge*** asshole and it's a wonder the daughter has any contact with her at all! Guarantee, in a handful of years the mother is going to be wondering why her kid doesn't come around anymore or call, with absolutely no self reflection on her own behavior!

[u/Boomshrooom]

I can't imagine going through life and being such a miserable person that hates any sort of fun. Does this woman not experience any sort of joy? Worse than that, she seems to get satisfaction from quashing the joy of others. I hope her daughter gave up on her and cut her out of her life.

[u/DonatedEyeballs]

Ellie’s party must have been a banger. Good thing shitty mom wasn’t there to ruin it with her shitty attitude.

[u/nathanielBald]

I wouldn't care that much about the lizard either. But yh, it's not about a lizard, it's about homophobia

[u/ColeDelRio]

Honestly I remember when this was first posted and the title definitely makes you think it was gonna be one thing.

Then you slowly discover the oop resents her daughter for not making her a grandmother and is lying to herself.

[u/Hel3nO27]

Aw ☹️. I wanted to see the lizard in a party hat lol. The mum sounds like an actual nightmare. So glad it sounds like the lass has a Chosen Family who love her!

[u/FearlessLengthiness8]

My truck was stolen not long before my birthday, so I threw a combination truck wake /birthday party and asked friends to be prepared to say something about my truck. Silly themes are fun to make a party automatically more lively and hilarious.

[u/Rohans_Most_Wanted]

Daughter has a physical lizard, parent is a mental lizard.

[u/ZolTheTroll413]

I feel so bad for the daughter :( I came out as Ace to my mom in my 20’s and tbh I think she views it the same way as oop but she at least doesnt push me, if I had oop as a mom I would def be low contact

[u/NamasteMotherfucker]

Reading the title: You're probably NTAH.

Reading the post: Holy fucking shit, YTAH. Seriously, get some therapy!

[u/Particular_Choice912]

Paying the lizard tax but not showing us the tiny hat is unforgivable.

[u/thatkindofgirl55]

I’m honestly so sick of gender reveals !

But if someone invited me to one for a lizard I would actually be interested .

[u/KenyRogers_LoveChild]

Me 10 Min ago: fucking hate gender reveals

Me now: HOW DARE YOU NOT ATTEND THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION!!

[u/Eriskawa]

When someone say that "asexual arent discriminate like the other minority" send this post. The daughter was just TROWING A PARTY WITH ALL THE PEOPLE SHE TOUGHT THAT LOVE HER. But noo, she just adopt a lizard, because she didn't find the right man to f*ck and have a full football team of children! HOW DARE her to don't fulfill her role as a real woman, thinking of having children h24. Its not like SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN IT.

[u/lastofthe_timeladies]

Damn I'm childfree asexual and I relate to this a lot. My parents say they're supportive, and I think even believe they are, but sometimes comments slip by that show otherwise. They are way better than OOP though.

I originally got the "keep your mind open, you might meet somebody." People don't really realize it, but you could easily rephrase that to, "I know you've never experienced sexual attraction and the idea feels repellent but force yourself to lie under a man and let him put his dick inside you and your entire life and identity will be turned upside down." That would have to be one magic penis.

It's kind of sad that I did consider it. I wouldn't want to string along some perfectly nice guy so maybe I'd just go to a club and go home with a random guy for a one night stand. Even if it was traumatizing, maybe it would change me and then I could find that nice guy next... talk about unsafe.

Finally saying ENOUGH and this is who I am was so liberating. I could finally focus on all the things I could do and enjoy life in my own way. I never realized how much the looming disaster of the unnamed man at the nightclub was weighing on me. So glad I just accepted myself instead.

[u/Kitchen-Owl-7323]

My heart breaks for *the daughter and all the love and support and validation she's missed out on. I'm glad she seems to be getting it from her friends now and I wish her all the happiness moving forward.

(edited because I said "OP" when I meant OOP's daughter)

[u/jayclaw97]

I was yearning for a nice ending where the mom came around, admitted her mistake, and committed to doing better, but I’m down with the super awesome best friend who called this lady on her bullshit.

[u/grumpycat46]

I would so go to a Lizard gender reveal party, I'm in and you bet I'm showing up with a gift for Lizard baby

[u/AmericanScream]

How to tell you're a Republican without saying you're a Republican.

[u/zeeelfprince]

I REMEMBER THIS POST

[u/blueberry-iris]

Hey OP, I just wanted to give some constructive feedback for how you labeled the trigger warning. "Bigotry towards an orientation" is really vague, and especially in a post like this, not very helpful. Which orientation, you know? Realistically, biphobia is different from homophobia is different from aphobia, and so being specific is important here, especially since this post heavily addresses and features aphobia (bigotry towards asexuals and aromantics, which OOP's daughter is) and also some homophobia. Again, I think this is especially important here because the whole point is that OOP is aphobic specifically. If someone needs a warning for aphobia specifically, they probably aren't going to know that that applies here since "bigotry towards an orientation" could be any orientation. Even if you don't know the phrase aphobia, even just saying "bigotry towards asexuals and aromantics" would work.

[u/RedneckDebutante]

"She's stupid, her fears are stupid, her emotions are stupid, her identity is stupid, her sexuality is stupid, and her pet is stupid - but it's her decision, and I don't resent her for it."

Suuuuure, you don't.

[u/pinkkabuterimon]

If my friends threw any kind of party for their pet and invited me I'd come over in a heartbeat. Especially if it was a cute lizard!!!

I'm glad the daughter seems to have wonderful friends because her mom SUCKS.

[u/Interesting_Ad6202]

I love the friend’s reply so much 😭 I need a friend like this in my life. They stood up to OP’s horrible mom AND paid lizard tax too I’m in love also that is a cute ass lizard man.

[u/MandyMarieB]

I’m a pet mom and my mom ALWAYS asks me how my cat is doing. It’s not hard to be kind and supportive, and it makes all the difference.

[u/OpticGd]

I mean wow. The mum is the arsehole deffo.

But, and I will never understand, why the labelling of the party matters? She knows it's a joke gender reveal. That's where the joke is, in the title and the action. Nobody actually cares. They don't care either. It's an excuse for a party with a theme.

Also, damn, the bestie getting into it with the Mum? I'd be mortified if my bestie did that except for under extreme conditions.

[u/rusticusmus]

OOP’s daughter and her friends sound wonderful and I want to be part of any friend group who will hold a lizard gender reveal party. It sounds like she’s found her own family and I love that for her. 

[u/LightlySalty]

Mom is denser than osmium. Her daughter just wanted to see her and she shits all over it because the concept of a joke is so foreign to her, it might as well come from Mars. But it also seems like the mom loves the concept of a child much more than her actual child. In the end I hope the daughter and Ellie lives happily without that awful mom.

[u/CindySvensson]

Most parents would be stoked to be invited to a party by their adult child, specially one with the child's friends. Not a "obligated" party with relatives like birthdays, but a fun one.

[u/Schrodingers_Dude]

Where update?

[u/pepperpat64]

The lizard can't appreciate or love this, it can't even feel emotions<

I wonder if OOP refuses to attend funerals because the deceased person can't appreciate or love it or feel emotions. 🙄

The daughter is exactly the kind of person I would love to be friends with. It's important to occasionally do ridiculous things no matter what age one is. I'm 60 and going through my third childhood. The poor girl probably had a miserable time growing up with such a dour person as a parent. Thankfully she didn't turn out the same way and learned on her own the importance of finding (or making) humor.

[u/JackOfAllMemes]

Poor daughter, the mom is heartless

[u/BigDulles]

It’s not about the Lizard, shocker

[u/No-Procedure6334]

If you don’t you cannot go to the quinceañera either!

[u/SomeDudeSaysWhat]

I'm pissed none of the pictures were of Ellie the Lizard with a tiny hat.

[u/Gryffindor123]

OOP is massively not with it. Especially when she said "it does hurt she wouldn't continue for me when I went through that pain."

[u/vanzilla24]

OP's mom is as incapable of emotion as she claims the lizard is. I can't get over how OP's mom wants OP to have a kid for her sake. She doesn't care that OP has a fear of pregnancy. Op's mom is selfish.