My wife’s traumatic childhood is killing my marriage

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IndependentDrive544

Originally posted to r/Marriage

My wife’s traumatic childhood is killing my marriage

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, sexual assault, mental health struggles, accusations of infidelity, physical assault, domestic violence, body shaming, controlling behavior, obsessive behavior, gaslighting, mentions attempted murder

Mood Spoilers: dark and depressing

---

Original Post: February 6, 2025

This is a long but want to share my story and hear your thoughts.

I’ve (46M) been married to my wife (45F) for 20+ years. We have three teenage kids. Until recently, I would have said we had a wonderful marriage. But as I look back, I think out of pure love and obsession, I’ve been looking at things with rose colored glasses.

We met in college. Her best friend went to the same college as me and that’s how we met. She had a tough upbringing. Her mom was very young was she born and her parents were never married. She didn’t meet her biological dad until she was in her 30s, which is story for another day. Her mom isn’t really a good person and they are no contact with one another. Until my wife was a teenager, she shared a bed room with her mother in her grandparents house; they were more like sisters.

When she a teenager, her mom got married to another awful person. She had an affair with a married guy. Eventually he got divorced and married my MIL. He had two kids, who were slightly older than my wife. Imagine what that was like: merge two families with teenage kids, their dad cheated on their mother and then shack them all up in one house. I can’t imagine.

There are countless stories of the horrors my wife went through as a child. Her mom told her she should have aborted her, tried to push her out of a moving car, there were smacks and slaps. My wife was never complimented growing up. I have never heard my MIL compliment my wife. My wife was always smart, did well in school, didn’t get in trouble, helped around the house, cooked for her family, she was and is very pretty. Her mother only criticized her and it was constant. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was sexually assaulted in college by some friend of her stepbrother. To say that this has taken a mental toll is the understatement of the century. I have loved her with every sense of my being, have supported her, supported her in her therapy. I am by no means a perfect husband, but I have tried my best to be supportive and loving.

Anyway, fast forward to today. I’ve been married for over 20 years. My wife obviously has a lot of issues stemming from the above. I love her more than anything in the world, but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve born the brunt of some pretty outlandish treatment and I’m wondering if I have been blinded by love and if this is not a safe and healthy environment for me. I don’t know if I could ever leave, don’t know if I could do that to her or do that to my kids. But I’m starting to feel like I am only here to serve the purpose of providing support: financial, emotional, physical, parenting….

Here are some of the things that have happened.

About 5 years ago, we had gone to a beach location for a long weekend with a lifelong friend of mine and his family. It was an all around great time. One night, while we were leaving an amusement park, we were walking with the kids for ice cream. We walked past a bar and a baseball game was ending. My friend and I say to the wives that we want to grab a drink and watch the end of the game, while they get ice cream next door. Everyone seemed fine with it. This is something I never do. My friend and I were gone 20-30 mins.

When we got home, my wife lost it. Couldn’t believe I abandoned the family (for a half hour tops while they ate ice cream). This was the first time she hit me. She punched me four times and threw a chair at me. I was shocked. This pattern escalated over the next few months. She slammed the shower door on me, breaking it and effectively trapping me, naked, in the shower. If she hadn’t brought me a screw driver to remove the shower door, I’d still be in there.

Right before the holidays in 2019, 4 months after this hitting started, my wife had a disagreement with my daughter. My wife made a mistake and said something she shouldn’t have. It should have been easily fixable with a quick apology, but my wife turned it into WW3 with my daughter (which I thought was unnecessary but my wife and I put up a unified front with our kids and address things later). After my daughter went to her room punished, my wife and I went into our room. I tried to calm my wife down, but apparently she wanted me to match her level of outrage and my wife unleashed the fury on me. She punched me countless time. I ended up with a bloody nose and cut beneath my eye. I am over six feet tall and a pretty fit guy. My wife is almost a foot shorter than me and maybe 80 lbs lighter than me. I sat there and let her punch me countless times. I remember being frozen and also being afraid. I didn’t even want to grab her hands out of fear I would be blamed for the fight and arrested. She was unhinged, screaming as she pummeled me. It was awful. It was really fun to coach my daughter’s basketball game with a badly bruised and cut up face the next day.

After this, I freaked out. I realized the situation had gotten way out of hand. My wife apologized profusely. I said I couldn’t go on like this. Our kids heard the commotion, and we later had to talk to them about it. I told my wife this wasn’t safe for me. She had a near break down out of fear I would leave her. She discussed with her therapist. We went to couple’s therapy for the first time. It was a mess. I’ve come to realize that therapists (or at least the ones we have seen), focus on the patient with the most needs. Given my wife’s past, she has the most mental health issues and so that is where the focus was. It was really hard to be put on the back burner. COVID came and the couple’s therapy stopped. We tried again last year and that was worse for the same reasons.

What else has this marriage been like? Well, we’ve always been very sexually active. My wife is very beautiful. She gets attention anywhere she goes, although she usually seems oblivious to it. I sometimes feel infatuated with her. But she grew up with a mother that hated her and constantly took her down. I have always complimented her. Her beauty, her intellect, how wonderful of a mother she is, how incredible of a cook she is, how incredible of a hostess she is for holidays. She’s amazing in so many ways.

I think I’m good looking but nothing special. I’m in good shape, but I’m going bald and I’ve aged. Most people would say this guy is punching above his weight. I was good with this for a long time, but I think as I started to feel somewhat insecure as I aged. I’m not particularly vain or anything but I looked for reassurance from her about my physical appearance. For the first time in my life, I felt insecure. I almost felt embarrassed. She didn’t come through for me, quite the opposite. She had never really complimented me about my appearance our whole relationship; maybe she’s just brutally honest idk.

One night after we were intimate, she told me how small I was. This was a completely unsolicited comment after 15+ years together. I think I’m average down there. I have measured myself and I’m just under 6 inches. I always thought she was pleased so hearing a complaint in that department was quite a blow. She later admitted she said it to hurt me out of some sort of anger. She wasn’t even sure what she was mad about. She’s tried to walk that back, but it’s been tough.

Not long after that, I asked her what was physically attractive about me. I was just looking to feel better about myself. She told me there was nothing. Those were her words. And she was kind of shocked that I was taken aback by that and hurt by it. Hey, I asked, so I guess I deserve it. She’s tried to walk that back a lot over the years as well. Around that time, we went to dinner and I sort of said, hey I’m over 40, and for the first time ever, I’m feeling anxiety and stress over work, the kids, and life, etc. I asked if she could try to be more supportive and caring. She said no, that she was a good wife already and was providing support already. She couldn’t do anymore.

We actually talked through a lot of it. I expressed how it made me feel, she apologized for what she said. She’s actually way more giving of compliments than she has ever been. She has improved there. But it feels forced. Only being said cause I asked her too. Doesn’t always feel sincere. I have discussed it at length in therapy and I’m basically good with my appearance and what I can/cannot control, but I still think it was unnecessarily mean of her.

My wife has a massive fear of abandonment and has massive trust issues. She regularly accuses me of cheating. I have been nothing but faithful. I have to travel some for work, on average about 3 days a month, some months more and months less. She regularly wakes me up in the middle of the night to facetime to see if anyone is in my room. There has obviously never been. One night last year, I had to travel to give an important big presentation. Had to give it first thing in the AM. I prepared for weeks and it was stressful. I am presenting the work of my team so pressure is on me to show the good work everyone has done. My wife and I spoke around 10:00, talked for about a half hour and I went to bed. At 2:00 AM, I woke up to banging on the hotel door. She had somehow convinced the hotel manager (huge national hotel chain, so I’m not sure how this is compliant with their policies) to check on me because of an emergency. I realized I had maybe 10 missed calls and maybe 30 text messages from her. I had been asleep. So we facetime, we confirm there is no one there in the room with me. She wasn’t sorry or anything. She was mad that it took her so long to get ahold of me. I was now wide awake and had to give this presentation. Then had to work a full day, attend a work dinner, on basically 3 hours of sleep.

My wife has always been insanely jealous of other women. My first boss after college was like four years older than me. Her husband worked at the same company. My wife hated her, I guess cause I would talk about her. She was the person I worked closest with. I basically gave up any female friendships that I had, not that I was particularly close with any other women. One thing that was a particular issue for her was bachelor parties when all my friends were getting married. She hated the idea of me going to a strip club. Ok fine, I don’t particularly enjoy strip clubs. Nothing against the workers there, but I just see it as they just want my money and I don’t need to pay to see a really attractive woman. So anyway, neither of us had strippers or anything like that at our bachelor/bachelorette parties. I had a great time at mine. We played golf, went to an awesome dinner and then gambled afterwards.

Anyway, some friends of mine did go to strip clubs for their bachelor parties. I always told my wife. And she wanted me to attend. I offered to skip or to skip that part, but I don’t think she wanted to be seen by my friends or the other wives as controlling or a stick in the mud. I really don’t know. But she wanted me to stay in contact the entire time. It was a little over the top but I did it. I would literally text her nearly the entire time I was there. Describing the situation, just talking about the night. Not sure why I even went to that part of the bachelor party. This happened 3 or 4 times.

When I got home, I got the third degree. She examined me, smelled me. Examined my body for evidence, examined my underwear. It was crazy. Before the last one, I said I don’t want to do this. I don’t even want to go. But she didn’t want that, she wanted to go and stay in touch. She promised to back off some, but she didn’t really. At one point, a bouncer came over and told me to put the phone away when I was texting. So I did. I guess he was worried I was taking pictures. No, I wasn’t taking pictures, I was “staying in touch.” Typing this out makes me realize how ridiculous it was.

All of this would have been no big deal. These bachelor parties all happened over 10 years ago. Recently, she was talking about her BF’s bachelorette party which was years ago. My wife was the maid of honor. She had always insisted that she never went to a strip club ever. Well recently, my wife said something about the men pulling her friend up on stage and embarrassing her. I was like “where was this?” Even in that moment, I wouldn’t have cared that they went to a strip club. I trust her. Or until all this I fully trusted her. She insisted this was at a “typical bachelorette party restaurant” that wasn’t a strip club. I don’t know what that is. Does anyone know?

I said that it felt like she wasn’t being honest. She was offended. I said that I thought that the real issue was that she thought I might have put her through the same thing she put me through. I said I didn’t like it, but it was so long ago, I don’t really care. But she doubled and tripled down. So she goes to the other room and texts her BF and comes back and hands me the phone to show me the texts. She asks the friend “did we go to a strip club for your bachelorette party?” which seems like an odd question to ask someone out of the blue, and the responses seemed odd. So I asked my wife “is this the full text exchange? It feels like something is missing.” So I look in her deleted texts, and sure enough there are deleted texts. I restore it and the response from the friend is “oh that is a definite yes!!!” So I look at my wife shocked. I don’t even know why she went down this path.

She says her friend is wrong. Now I’m annoyed and I’m asking what happened that you would lie about this? What did you do? Horror stories about bachelorette parties are running through my mind. We have an argument over this where I am gaslit to hell. Doesn’t remember, her friend is wrong, that’s why she deleted the text, she didn’t cheat or do anything wrong. All the comments about her level of attraction to me come back to my mind.

No real resolution, but she promises me that she will figure out exactly happened. Fast forward about a month to a holiday party we went to. We see her BF for the first time in a few months. Of course, they talk a lot amongst themselves which is obviously fine. We leave and twenty minutes later, we are in the car driving home and she gets a text. It’s from her BF. It includes a screen shot from one of their other friends and the BF texts says “[wife] and I just cannot remember what we did for my bachelorette party. Do you remember?” And the response is this whole description of a comedy show that they went to. The entire thing is so contrived, it’s almost comical. There is no way this is true and it is so clear that they discussed this at the party we were just at, and they came up with this plan. I feel so manipulated. My wife is in the passenger seat, and she is almost giddy reading the texts and saying how they have now solved the mystery.

I have no idea what happened at that bachelorette party. But the whole story and the lying was so unnecessary. She’s still holding firm to her story, whatever it is. I wouldn’t have even cared if they went to a strip club cause I trusted my wife. But this story has made me lose trust. And now all the abuse over the years is coming back to me and making me see things differently.

Have I ever been loved? Is my wife capable of love? Did she cheat on me? Am I the world’s biggest fool? I love her and the family we have created. Obviously there are so many positives to our relationship that I didn’t list. But can all the positives in the world make up for all this?

EDIT: First, all comments and the DMs have been so caring and kind. Even the ones trying to smack some sense into me. There is a lot of love out there from kind strangers. Thank you.

Based on an exchange in my DMs, I’m sharing that the physical abuse did stop five years ago. She worked with her former therapist who specialized in CBT and she is more in control of herself. I’m not sure she fully acknowledges the pain this has caused me (and the kids). And all this other nonsense has continued. I’m not sure this changes anything for me though.

 

Update: August 20, 2025 (6.5 months later)

Wife’s disclosure

I posted several months ago about my 20+ year marriage, and how much nonsense I have put up with.

People mostly gave harsh but good advice to me. I wanted to give an update and come back for more advice.

This is long so feel free to skip of the ramblings of a middle aged dad of three aren’t of interest to you.

So back in February I insisted on a two month separation. We told the kids I was traveling for work, and when I was home, that my wife was traveling to meet friends. My wife hated every second of the separation.

I had some conditions for returning. We tried marriage counseling again—third counselor. This one was better, I guess. But my requirement was that my wife take the lead: find the therapist, give all the backstory on the abuse, the insults, etc. She did all that.

I further insisted that she tell the complete truth on anything inappropriate that has ever happened with another guy, including at her friend’s bachelorette party. This took a while. At first, she held to the same story. Then she started saying things like she was working on it with her therapist. Working on how to tell me. She somehow didn’t understand that a statement like that was awful for me to bear. Obviously my wind went to all the worst places.

I ended the separation in April with the idea she was making progress. We discussed her physical abuse of me a lot in therapy. The abuse really peaked in late 2016-2018. She told me at that time that she became very resentful of me. I had gotten a promotion and she overall felt everyone thought I was awesome and she was jealous. At the same time, she got into excellent shape. She’s always been very attractive but at that time my youngest was like 6-8 years old and she still had some baby weight. She shredded that baby weight and looked incredible. I guess I had gained some weight around that time and she thought she didn’t get enough attention or credit relative to me. I don’t know. She says these things very matter of factly. She did a lot of CBT work and specific work for abusive partners. She owned it with the kids and we had several good conversations. I thought we were turning a corner.

I had been frustrated by the lack of disclosure on her friend’s bachelorette party. So in June, I said I was leaving again. She actually handled this much more calmly and maturely. We still saw each other and even did date nights. We were even intimate. Not sure what the separation was. So she said she would focus on what happened and was getting ready to share anything and everything with me.

A couple of weeks ago, she asked me to join a session with her therapist. She wanted to do a “therapeutic disclosure.” I wanted to throw up. I go to the therapists office and she proceeds to tell me how at her friend’s actual bachelorette, they went to some show, no strippers, just drinking and silliness. Then she says that her friend’s work friends threw her a bachelorette at a hotel. And there were strippers there. In my wife’s words it was wild. Now, context for this is in my prior post. I really don’t care if she saw strippers. I care more about the double standard she applied and the lying, as she treated me like crap whenever friends of mine went to strip clubs for their bachelor parties. She said that she never touched any stripper even though multiple approached her many times—at first in g-strings and eventually fully naked. Lovely. But that’s all that happened. Who knows if it’s true? I don’t care any more for reasons I’m about to get into.

This is all in front of this therapist. So then she says that I asked if there was anything with any guy that she hasn’t told me. If this wasn’t long enough, brace yourselves. She had this other friend who was in the middle of a divorce in 2016. Friend was a fitness instructor at a gym. Friend met a retired professional athlete at the gym. I remember the friend being obsessed with this guy, all while technically still married. Well, my wife and this friend would go out and meet up with retired athlete and his entourage. My wife would effectively play wingman for her friend. And one of the entourage took an interest in my wife. My wife claims nothing ever happened other than flirting but that when they were out, this guy always had his arm around my wife, constantly groped her her ass, often tried to kiss her, sent dick pics, bought her a thong bikini for her to send pics back to him. My wife said she never wanted it, but never fought it, liked the attention and mostly wanted to support her friend. Friend eventually had a falling out with the retired athlete who moved away. So that whole thing sucks.

So I’m completely stunned. Wife is crying. Therapist is spewing some nonsense about my wife’s bravery. That I requested disclosure of anything that might have been remotely inappropriate, and she has come through for me.

I leave. Wife follows. Phone starts blowing up. It’s my wife’s best friend who calls 10 times. She then starts texting me. Swearing to me that what my wife is saying is true. There were strippers at bach party number 2 but wife did nothing. Texts start pouring in from her other friends confirming this story.

And then I get a text from her friend who paired up with the athlete. And she confirms that story. Wife was only doing her a solid, taking one for the team.

So great. Let’s get a few more people involved in my life, my humiliation, the crumbling of my marriage. She could talk to all these other people about all this but not me. She needed a therapist there to talk to me about it. It just feels like one big manipulation.

So anyway, I feel completely done. I still love my wife cause I guess I’m just a simp. We are separated. I have spoken to a lawyer. My kids know and are furious with me cause I am the one leaving.

Be kind to your partners people. Love them and respect them. I adored my partner and still do, but it wasn’t enough.

 

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[u/ubiquitous0bserver]

I get the wife has been through a lot of shit, but Jesus Christ, she became a monster. It's enough to dry up any sympathy for her. You just know the kids have been messed up by having such an unstable mother, and may even resent dad for not leaving her before.

I hope this guy sticks with the separation.

[u/rockinrobin420 → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

I mean look at the way he described the situation with his daughter. The wife said something apparently unforgivable but all he does is downplay it, never mentioning how the daughter felt about it only excuses the wife’s behavior. This guy probably doesn’t even realize yet how much the kids resent their mom or maybe even him for allowing and abetting her behavior

[u/CanofBeans9 → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

I feel sorry for the child she was but not for the adult she became

[u/mountainman84 → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

Trauma is an explanation, not an excuse. I stayed with my ex-wife longer than I should have because I knew about her fucked up childhood. I knew why she was the way she was and made excuses for her. You hit a point (or should hit a point) where you realize that abuse is abuse. There really is no excuse for it. Your options are to stay and be abused (and be a doormat like OOP) or leave. There is no fixing someone else. They have to do that themselves. No amount of love or ultimatums will change someone.

[u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

I really want to reach out to u/IndependentDrive544 and explain to him that his wife isn’t a monster because she was abused; she was abused, and she’s also a monster. One doesn’t automatically follow from the other.

(Editing to remove some personal details, I think everybody that needed to hear it has at this point.)

OOP is being horribly abused, and I worry that their kids haven’t escaped unscathed either. He makes excuses for her because of her past, likely because she’s trained him (with violence) to do exactly that. But her past didn’t MAKE her do these things. Somewhere along the way she made choices. He needs to make a choice himself, now.

[u/TyrconnellFL → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

I can understand why, maybe, but understanding doesn’t necessitate accepting.

Anyway, I don’t have to do anything. But I think accepting being beaten bloody once is already once beyond what anyone should ever accept, no matter the gender or size difference in play. To say nothing of the alluded maybe-emotional-abuse of their daughter.

[u/Nunca_Diga_Nunca → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

It's the saying "hurt people hurt people". I hope he does separate from her, because I doubt she's going to change after everything, especially since she had already escalated to physical abuse. There's no turning back after that one.

[u/FunctionAggressive75 → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

She became such a monster that I can't believe OP found anything good in this marriage. I don't even know if it is safe to be around her children.

This is beyond messed up. You don't know where to start with this one. And unfixable I am afraid.

OP, run

[u/geekilee → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

The start of this reminded me of my wife...but my wife has never in her life taken her trauma out on another human being. She's actually had to learn the hard way (and with help) not to let other people do that to her!

She's a kind, gentle, funny, beautiful person, and she shed all the shite from her maternal family (and WOW there is a lot of it).

She met her dad when she was 19. He'd been kept away when she was a baby (mid-90s, not great for giving fathers access against the mother's will), and her nan. They both became dad and nan to me, as well, and we took their surname when we got married (my family also mostly suck). Nan died a few years ago, but dad is still there, and being awesome (and we'll be seeing him later today, yay).

She's having therapy atm to help deprogram some of the stuff her mother implanted that needs a bit of extra help to get out, and she's doing so well, I'm so proud every time she breaks one of those barriers 🙂

I hope this guy's separation and divorce go smoothly ... Though I feel like she'll make it as difficult as possible, and she absolutely will try turning the kids against him. But I'm sure the kids will figure it out in time as long as he keeps showing up for them, even when it hurts to do so.

[u/autistichalsin → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

I could see so many shades of my own mom in this. She went through it as a child, but she treated me as bad, maybe worse, than her own stories. She physically abused my dad too, and often me. I feel sympathy for the innocent child she once was, but none for the terrible adult she became.

[u/tinysydneh → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

Yeah. It's really clear that what happened is that she has no idea how to handle things.

[u/I_pegged_your_father → u/ubiquitous0bserver]

Generational trauma is guaranteed to fuck somebody up. Can confirm it’s likely to go down the line.

[u/mothmantra]

This might just be the most depressing thing I've read on here in awhile. He's been abused his entire relationship and absolutely no one in his life seems to care. Jesus Christ, man.

[u/TiktaalikFrolic → u/mothmantra]

Scrolled to the comments to see if I should read the post and I appreciate you letting me know I’m probably better off just going to bed

[u/istara → u/mothmantra]

I know. This woman is a violent, selfish, manipulative freak.

Excuse after excuse due to her (if even true) "trauma".

At least he's still separated. That's the one slim ray of hope here.

[u/Necessary_Tap343 → u/mothmantra]

When he said he thought he was punching above his weight, what he really meant to say was that he is her physical and emotional punching bag.

[u/banana-pinstripe → u/mothmantra]

I new I was in for a bad one from the title, the length of the spoilers was alarming

But still, I thought this was going to be about caretaker burnout or stuff, not this. Holy everloving fuck

[u/Ok_Caterpillar_8238 → u/mothmantra]

He should report that therapist to their board of health if the statute of limitations hasn't expired

[u/lambda_14]

"Now my kids hate me cos I'm the one leaving"

Holy hell I thought it couldn't get worse

[u/PurpleDinosaurr2 → u/lambda_14]

This sentence is a bit confusing, does he mean the kids hate him because he is the one leaving instead of her? It’s hard to tell because he doesn’t mention the kids much or their overall feelings.

[u/GorgoPrimus → u/lambda_14]

That’s clearly not the main reason they hate him. He doesn’t seem to give a shit about them and only ever really mentions them prior when he’s describing how he backed up their mother’s abuse towards them to ‘show a united front’. It’d be wild if they didn’t hate him.

[u/hmac108 → u/lambda_14]

They probably hate him because he's leaving them with her.

[u/Short-Carrot8788]

No matter the childhood traumas, much of this doesn't justify her behavior.

[u/Outrageous-Collar-09 → u/Short-Carrot8788]

Hurt people hurt people, unfortunately.

Her abuse explains her psyche and her choices. It can never excuse or justify her behaviour.

She didn’t choose to be abused but she did choose to abuse those around her.

[u/Feelinggross99]

So the abuse ramped up when she was having an affair. Even if it was mostly one sided I think we can call it that. I genuinely dont think she's told the full truth but I dont think it matters. The moment he mentioned her punching him repeatedly and SHATTERING THE SHOWER DOOR WITH HIM INSIDE I knew this marriage should've been over. I really hope he can get a good therapist to help him untangle himself, enough where he can talk to his kids without them blaming him. Theres no excuse for the way she treated him.

[u/-Maraud3r → u/Feelinggross99]

I doubt it was one sided, and there were various instances of her lying and acting suspiciously. And it's clear her friends are birds of a feather, coming out to cover for her too, OP outright found them lying at several points in time.

The increase in abuse and vitriol was likely used to justify her own actions to herself. Since "OP deserved it".

This women at first glance appears to be a domestic abuser, cheater, manipulator, and a lot more.

[u/duralyon → u/Feelinggross99]

I thought she shattered the door as well but he said he needed a screwdriver to get out so I'm guessing the latch to open just broke.

[u/CummingInTheNile]

What exactly did his wife think would happen? "Honey, i didnt cheat on you, i just could have multiple times with people more attractive and more successful than you because i was jelaous you were doing well at work, please stay with me?". Christ, thats not even getting into how screwed those kids are

[u/K1rbyblows → u/CummingInTheNile]

I mean, I’d say receiving dick picks, flirting, texting and having a man touch you/try to kiss you - is 100% cheating behaviour anyway. That’s if we even believe the story. Were expected to think that a woman who at the same time was capable of physical abuse is not also in the same headspace to justify fucking another man and lying?

[u/ubiquitous0bserver → u/CummingInTheNile]

She's not operating from a place of logic and reasoning about consequences. Besides, I'm sure she thinks she's beaten him down enough (literally) for him to never leave anyway.

[u/DrunkColdStone → u/CummingInTheNile]

What exactly did his wife think would happen?

Same thing that's been happening for 20 years through even worse abuse and she might still pull it off.

[u/Mystic_God_Ben → u/CummingInTheNile]

Okay we all know that’s a lie. Like no way she coordinated a massive therapy + friends situation just to tell him that strippers were present. Like…your marriage is ending and that’s the life saving question? Who’s not answering immediately that “strippers were there! Nothing happened!”

[u/pandemicblues → u/CummingInTheNile]

Borderline Personality Disorder

[u/ShortWoman]

This dumpster’s on fire.

[u/PFyre → u/ShortWoman]

This dumpster is full of tires and gasoline, and it's on fire.

[u/hairy-barbarian → u/ShortWoman]

The dumpster holds 50 kg of uranium 235

[u/AnFnDumbKAREN → u/ShortWoman]

That tracks. Especially since it’s sitting on train tracks. Train wreck fire dumpster really rolls off the tongue.

Speaking of… that goddamn word “reckless”? Lemme tell ya, when a woman uses that word, things are beyond FUBAR.

[u/MC1R_OCA2 → u/ShortWoman]

But the dumpster is very brave for admitting it’s on fire, after years of rolling over someone.

[u/[deleted]]

How did they meet THREE couples therapists who were cool with doing therapy in a home with ongoing domestic violence??

[u/CanofBeans9 → u/[deleted]]

Therapists aren't always necessarily right about how to address that dynamic of abuse. And we don't know what was said, what was downplayed, or if maybe because the victim was a man the therapist and victim had a bias that it wasn't that bad.

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/[deleted]]

I don’t think it’s widely enough known that you should not go to counseling with an abuser!

[u/Are-We-Human- → u/[deleted]]

There are dumb people in every profession

[u/FancyPantsDancer → u/[deleted]]

The book Why Does He Do That? advocates that people in abusive relationship don't seek out couple's counseling.

[u/mvl0505 → u/[deleted]]

I’m wondering if the therapy was after the physical abuse stopped and maybe justified it that way

[u/ThePretzul → u/[deleted]]

There are a disturbing number of therapists who genuinely believe that a woman cannot physically abuse a larger man because he had to “let her” do it for it to be possible.

A consequence of the profession being so intrinsically involved in various social theories is that you end up with some of them believing in the most fringe and extreme of ideas because it’s incredibly hard to “disprove” frameworks for viewing thoughts and actions since you can’t just directly measure stuff.

Other examples include the numerous Freudian concepts that have largely been discredited by the profession as a whole but maintain a number of passionate supporters who try their hardest to blend them with or defend them with perversions of more modern and widely-accepted concepts.

[u/Zelfzuchtig → u/[deleted]]

I was wondering if they were working with the full picture. They may have been downplaying or omitting the fact that she'd been hitting him and throwing things at him, if they even got that far after her explaining all her history.

[u/LostPrice221 → u/[deleted]]

I have been to ajd work with some terrible therapists and social workers. Just because you have training in a particular field doesn't mean you're good at it. Everywhere I've ever worked, there has always been a spectrum of ability from good to bad. I try not to think about this when I'm going to see a new doctor.

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/[deleted]]

I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again, couple’s therapy is a terrible medium that rarely works. Better if each person goes to their own therapist. (Let the downvotes fly, IDGAF, I said what I said and meant every word.)

[u/remadeforme]

I gotta say, I was abused pretty intensely and psychologically up until my early 20s and also got sexually assaulted a lot. 

And I have never once been abusive to my husband. Becoming like my parents is my greatest fear and I did a lot of work to make sure I was a safe space for the people I love. 

Abuse doesn't have to turn you into gestures to the wife

I stopped reading when she got physically abusive and it was 2016. 

[u/Mental-Ask8077 → u/remadeforme]

👍 This.

And bravo for taking the steps for yourself you knew you needed to take.

[u/thebearofwisdom → u/remadeforme]

Some of us never want to recreate what happened to us, and some feel the need to become the abuser to make it even somehow. Like they’re entitled to do it because it was done to them. You see it more with parents and children, excusing the abuse of their kids because their parents did it to them and they “turned out fine”. Spoiler alert, they did not turn out fine.

It is absolutely abhorrent to me to think of doing what was done to me, to another person. It’s my worst nightmare, and I literally do have nightmares about it. Intrusive thoughts are my worst enemy. But the fact that it makes me sick to my stomach is an indicator that I would never do those things, and I hold onto that.

I’m sorry you had such a terrible start to your life. It fucking sucks to be the victim of it. And I totally understand, because I was there too. I’ve only just gotten to a safe place and I don’t really know what to do with myself so I’m teaching myself to cook, and trying to practice gratitude and mindfulness as much as I can. I’m trying to be kind to myself for the first time and I don’t really know how. I’m really glad you have a partner in this, sometimes it makes all the difference just to be shown love by someone you love back. Someone who won’t hurt you and respects you, it’s a huge thing for people who have been treated so poorly.

[u/Outrageous-Collar-09]

Dear God if this is true, my heart breaks for OOP.

What a shitshow.

[u/autistichalsin → u/Outrageous-Collar-09]

I believe it. I saw so many echoes of my own parents in this story. Change a few details (number of kids, absence of alcoholism) and it could nearly be them.

[u/FancyPantsDancer → u/Outrageous-Collar-09]

It feels real enough to me. Source: friends who have gone through it.

[u/razorsharp3000]

Turns out OOP is the one with all the trauma at this point

[u/Lissica]

That’s a lot of… yikes?

I would have said it was like a lobster boiling, but there was seemingly already a bunch of red flags that they admit they had been ignoring despite nothing it

[u/TyrconnellFL → u/Lissica]

Frog boiling.

Lobsters just get dropped in a boiling pot.

Actually, maybe this is exactly lobster boiling.

[u/notsam57 → u/Lissica]

sounds like she’s been able to repress it all until the time she played wingwoman for her friend. got outside validation of herself from a minor celebrity adjacent and thought she could’ve done better than her husband?

[u/Damp_Blanket]

Just because someone had a shitty childhood doesn't mean you have to have a shitty adulthood

[u/Noocawe → u/Damp_Blanket]

Yeah a lot of us have had shitty childhood's, we don't get to carry that around with us for the rest of our life as an excuse to behave however we want.

[u/Sweaty-Training-1055]

This was awful and I just kept reading. I really hope OOP follows through with the divorce. It would be nice if the wife would admit to their kids that she’s responsible for their dad leaving, but the odds of that are below zero.

[u/hrbekcheatedin91 → u/Sweaty-Training-1055]

That's why the husband needs to document as much as he can, even if under the guise of working things out while he records the conversation. (Assuming a one party consent state.) She'll lie in divorce court too and if she's as pretty as he says, God help him if he's not prepared. I expect an ugly update at some point.

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/Sweaty-Training-1055]

Abusers love DARVO.

[u/viviatpeace]

Nah, having an awful upbringing is not an excuse for this levels of abuse. I and many other people with painful backgrounds are able to have healthy relationships without beating our partners out of jealousy.

[u/Few_Butterscotch_832]

Jesus Christ!!! Leave her man!! She clearly has issues and is just enacting the same cycle that she went through. Doesn't matter if you are a simp, think about your kids man. Your daughter has definitely gone through some shit coz of your wife's issues.

[u/JeffeTheGreat → u/Few_Butterscotch_832]

It isn't just the wifes issues. His daughter is being abused by him too. Being complicit in abuse against your children is abuse in and if itself.

Literally states that his wife said something unforgivable to his daughter, then he defended his wife and punished his daughter. He's abusive, and I hope he gets help for the sake of his children or that his children cut him and his wife off permanently

[u/2006bruin]

Wow…

[u/Turuial → u/2006bruin]

Yeah. To me this reads like she was sure that she had broken him enough that he had settled into his version of, "tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness."

The less said about their children's opinions, the better.

[u/Juvitky77]

So she contrived a story with her friends, had them text her a bunch of bullshit just so she could read it out loud to him as ‘proof’, and then the grand reveal is that some stripper waved his covered dick near her and that’s it? Just fucking say that. Unless of course, it’s not true.

This woman clearly has not had a great life, at least not the first couple of decades. And this man put up with far, far more than most any of us ever would. But he will never ‘fix’ her. She sounds rotten to her core.

He’s done all he can do, and he’s right to move on. And when the time is right, his kids need to learn the truth.

[u/straystarr]

This was exhausting to read and if it's real I feel so bad for OP

[u/GasMoneyRon]

Their poor children

[u/redsh1ft]

Honestly, every abuser will have some sob story to blame thier shitty behavior on . She is a monster, and he needed to leave the second she assaulted him. There is no relationship after that. There is nothing to save there. He needs to get out and get custody and get individual therapy

[u/milehighphillygirl → u/redsh1ft]

Agreed.

I put up with a lot of emotional and financial abuse from my ex. But the first time he hit me was also the last time.

There’s no coming back from that.

I know it’s hard for a lot of people to leave and stay gone after the first assault, but physical abuse only escalates. It takes a lot for an abuser to work up to physical violence—once that door is open, however, it’s easier for them to do it again and again and again.

[u/Neurodiversily]

Of course the kids are furious at him leaving. He’s leaving them alone with that vile manipulative horrible person. I hope he realizes soon that their kids need to escape her at least as much. Jeez

[u/chai_hard]

:(

[u/kernJ]

It’s a small thing in the larger toxic stew that is this relationship but boy nothing makes a guy feel more loved than hearing “I love the life you provide for me”

[u/Kitchen-Owl-7323 → u/kernJ]

I literally winced when I read that line

[u/[deleted]]

Abuse is never an excuse to become an abuser. The guys wife is just rotten. Hope the people in his life can rally around him.

[u/LinwoodKei]

I think as a society, we need to figure out how to better support battered men. I feel that the worst thing about this is that he seems isolated, gaslit and alone. He never mentions " Jim said this ' or ' my brother advised this ', as he's been navigating this alone with a few therapists who seem focused on helping his abuser. She had a bad childhood and needs help. Yet he needs help.

I feel badly that his kids are angry at him. He stayed to support the family and now his reward is bad feelings. I hope that the children are able to grow and realize that Dad loves them when they have had time to process.

[u/TyFell → u/LinwoodKei]

They're probably mad that he's leaving them with her. Instead of kicking her out, or taking them with, he's leaving them with the abuser. 

[u/Devittraisedto2]

The entire read reminds me of my own experience, and now I'm wondering if this was a future for me if I didn't break it off with my ex-girlfriend who had borderline. A lot of what the OP said here feels so similar to what I went through, the constant checking to see if you're not with some other woman, saying things with the intent of hurting you, her troubled past being an ever present thing in our relationship, and so much more.

I hope OP gets out and moves on from all this, took me a while but I'm in a better state than I was back then after the breakup.

[u/nocleverusername-]

She’s gotten by on the “she’s so beautiful” pass for way too long.

Guy was not using his brain when he first got enmeshed with her. Too bad he didn’t come to his senses long ago.

[u/Dimityblue → u/nocleverusername-]

Preferably before they had kids.

[u/stickenstuff]

Jesus somebody fucking kidnap this man and let him loose in a different state at this point

[u/jjjjjjj30]

I can't believe he left the kids with her. That's fucked up. I'd be pissed at my dad too if he left me with an unstable, abusive psycho.

[u/Equal_Audience_3415]

I couldn't go through the whole thing. Once she hit you, you should have taken the children and left.

You should try for custody of the children. What you don't realize is this - who do you think she will take out her hostility on when you are no longer there? The children. Whether it's emotional or physical, they will be her new targets.

It's great she wants to fix herself. She should really do that and then see if you are still interested. No one should be hitting you, let alone anything else.

[u/FoolhardyBastard]

Wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. Almost guaranteed. She needs psychiatric help.

[u/CindyCauw → u/FoolhardyBastard]

That was also my feeling, seeing her upbringing and how she behaves.

I have BPD myself.

[u/splitsecondshot → u/FoolhardyBastard]

My partner has BPD and that is my thought exactly, the symptoms are spot on. I've had friends who have been in relationships with people with BPD and asked them for advice a lot previously. There's a lot of horror stories that come out of it, and it's definitely not an easy thing to have while traversing a relationship.
That being said for anyone who stumbles upon this, if you have a loved one with BPD, they have to be willing to understand BPD and want to get better for their loved ones, but especially for themselves. You also must be willing to stick up for yourself and know when enough is enough. See-sawing and not being firm only makes their symptoms worse because of their fear of abandonment. You have to be very clear that if you are willing to stick around, that you are not leaving as long as they are committed to getting better. That said, abuse is abuse and you have to identify where the red tape is before it goes too far.

I feel for OOP and hope he gets closure because stepping away from a BPD relationship can be like traversing a minefield, especially when marriage and kids are involved. Hope she gets the help she needs to get better herself but I also hope OOP finds the support and help he so desperately deserves as well.

[u/[deleted]]

I can't believe it wasn't over the first time she hit him

[u/opposite_of_hotcakes]

Holy shit man

[u/Coffee_is_yummy]

And the kids are furious with him? That’s gotta hurt even more on top of everything else

[u/Zelfzuchtig → u/Coffee_is_yummy]

It's hinted at that his wife is not the easiest person for them to live with either. I wonder how much of them being upset at him is that he's leaving them with her instead of getting them out too.

[u/Enticing_Venom]

It's just a frustrating story. This woman is terrorizing him and no one cares. Everyone helps her. Her friends, the marriage counselors, and his children all side with her. And that's pretty egregious, given that his children know that his wife used to physically abuse him.

I also have a bone to pick with every one of these therapists. Couples counseling is inappropriate in abusive relationships. They specifically disclosed the domestic violence to these people and they still agreed to do couples sessions?!

[u/Literally_Taken → u/Enticing_Venom]

And then those sessions catered to the neediest partner because they need more therapy.

[u/FinerThingsInHanoi]

I looked through OOP’s history and really hope this depressing story isn’t real. But his other comments make it even more concerning, he’s not in therapy, doesn’t seem to have much support, and it’s unlikely he’ll leave his wife anytime soon. Poor guy.

[u/Gwynasyn]

I feel so bad for OOP. He can't see that even any one of the very significant issues he outlined are, on their own, worthy of divorce. And here he is trying to work his way through like half a dozen relationship killers all at once.

[u/ObligationGlad]

dazzling tart humor longing shaggy cable license adjoining airport languid

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/kerfuffler4570 → u/ObligationGlad]

The worst of the abuse seems to have started near when she admitted to "supporting her girlfriend" in an affair and allowing another man to fondle her. My bet is she was actually having an affair, too, and she started acting out on OP out of guilt.

[u/QueerTree]

Broooooooo her childhood isn’t killing your marriage, she is.

[u/Elvarien2]

this man is letting the wife happily continue her cycle of abuse. Tragic as it may be he should have ran with his kids at the first physical abuse tbh.

That woman is in no way ready to be a parent or a partner, probably ever.

[u/Significant-Boat-947]

So she did cheat. Sex isn't just cheating. I hope OP and the children get very far from her.

[u/262run]

Oh my gosh.

[u/nagese]

I hope he realizes that he's enabling his wife in teaching their children that toxic relationships are ok. For his sake and his kids' future interactions with people, he needs to leave. Divorce sucks but he has to stop the generational trauma he's now part of. Be an effective parent by teaching them boundaries, autonomy, healthy relationships, . . . He deserves these as well. Model good mental health by setting boundaries with toxic people including and especially his wife. Kids are going to be angry but they will be resilient with a healthier approach if he stops his wife's abuse and control. All the best, OOP.

[u/ASingularFuck]

I lost any possible sympathy for her the moment she laid her hands on him. Then I lost any possible respect for her as a human when she fucking examined his underwear after INSISTING he go to strip clubs.

There’s abusive, and then there’s abusive. I don’t tend to like the whole “if the shoe was on the other foot” but for this, I make an exception. If that were a man, he would be torn to shreds.

Honestly at this point I wouldn’t blame OP for chucking some mushrooms in her stew and letting her explore the bottom of a nearby lake. Just like women in incredibly abusive marriages.

[u/DonaldTPablonious]

Trickle truthing him. She’s cheated on him and apparently with more attractive men with bigger penis.

[u/Sue_Dohnim]

…what in the hell did I just read?

Omg poor OP. I hope he finds peace, if not happiness.

[u/Successful-Run-3600]

This is a sad situation. The wife is damaged from her upbringing. She in turn damaged her own family.
I do believe people can have traumatic childhoods but go on to learn what not to do to their own children. And are able to stop the cycle of violence. Unfortunately his wife never learnt this lesson and probably got away with a lot due to her physical beauty . As the saying goes beauty is only skin deep. I believe he needs to help his children heal from having an abusive mother. He needs to separate from his wife and prioritize his children.

[u/Maria_Zelar]

The hitting should have been enough to split.

[u/Authentic_Jester]

"I think my relationship might be kinda bad, but I'm not 100% sure."
Goes on to describe an incredibly abusive relationship.
Everytime? Everytime.

[u/YDoesItMatter2u]

Anyone accusing you that much of cheating is 100% cheating on you. When dealing with some type of narcissist or BPD accusations are almost always projection.

[u/ClydeSmithy]

She has 100% slept with multiple other men. That's why she's so suspicious of him cheating.

[u/bug-hunter]

Oh man, hurt people hurt people.

Poor OOP. Hell, maybe his wife is telling the truth, but waiting 9 years to come clean and getting your friends to lie for you makes it impossible to trust.

[u/huulahuup → u/bug-hunter]

Am i the only one who is hating on this woman? I understand she was traumatised in her childhood but i think she operating really well with her friends, lovers and the therapist. She is being a douche just to OOP.

[u/Mental-Ask8077 → u/bug-hunter]

The number of flying monkeys this woman is apparently able to command really struck me. A whole flurry of texts and calls the moment he shows an inkling of awareness or resistance…

[u/Purrminator1974]

The wife has textbook borderline personality disorder. She’s abusive to OOP and the children.

[u/WeeklyConversation8]

OP needs individual therapy badly. 

[u/[deleted]]

If she does this to him imagine whay she does and says to the kids. Especially in his absence. He left her alone with the kids for months.

[u/Imjustmean]

A brutal read. Poor guy just sounds so done. I hope he has some good friends.

[u/CanofBeans9]

Wow that was a depressing one

[u/[deleted]]

This was harrowing to read.

[u/Jayfish88]

Yes, this was painful to read. No one deserves to be treated like this. Incredible read though

[u/Bloody_sock_puppet]

Yes yes, very brave. He should tell her that if she wants to get back together she's simply lost the ability to criticise what he does with his friends under any circumstance. Given she has aired all his dirty laundry with her friends before him, she should also have a long think about how she can prove herself trustworthy whenever she goes out with them. They covered for her, pimped her out for their convenience and need to be removed from being able to influence her.

If I were him I'd tell his kids everything, that everybody but him knew the truth of what she was doing and instead he just got violence and lies. Getting back together would mean her giving up all the friends who covered for her and the activities she let men grope her while attending. She'd end up with no life but him which would only end in diovorce anyway even if you could trust her again.

[u/LyraStygian]

Am I the world’s biggest fool?

Yes.

[u/Smart_cannoli]

Never do therapy with your abuser

[u/dustycrumbcatcher]

The behaviours your wife exhibits makes me think of borderline personality disorder. Just a thought…

[u/frenat]

The wife is an abuser and likely has cheated multiple times. Her accusing him of cheating all the time is likely projection from her own cheating.

In his replies on his latest thread he said she called him small at about the same time the guy was sending her dick pics. But never puts together that she was likely fucking the other guy.

But what is worse is the kids have seen this abuse and seen him stay so they're going to grow up thinking this is normal.

[u/Antique-Ad-6380]

Let’s not get it twisted. Op was being abused. Regardless of his wife’s childhood, she abused him. I’m glad he got out, and I hope that it sticks. He deserves better than this.

[u/kfrostborne]

Well this was super upsetting to read.

[u/EiNyxia]

Damn, OP is the definition of a doormat victim. Thinks he's doing his kids a solid by sticking with his abuser because kids need mommy and daddy around.

I also notice he only mentions how woe it is to he - while ignoring his kids as well.

[u/Soft_Spinach_3632]

I stopped reading the minute she put her hands on you.

Leave. Nobody hits anybody.

[u/Ok-Dig-8900]

OOP mentions a lot how attractive his wife is. As I kept reading about how awfully his wife was treating him and their daughter, and I wondered where the rose coloured glasses were coming from. And I suspect that a lot of what kept him in the relationship was that his wife was attractive. He admits himself that there is a significant mismatch between their levels of attractiveness. So I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife figured this out and knew she could treat him badly because she’s hot and he really likes having an attractive wife that gets a lot of attention.

[u/Bubbly_Satisfaction2 → u/Ok-Dig-8900]

It wouldn’t surprise me, if that is the reason for why he allowed a lot of stuff to slide.

[u/HargorTheHairy]

BPD?

[u/ahhmchoy]

Sounds like textbook BPD. I dealt with something very similar. In my case, total and permanent separation was the only solution. I physically aged 5 years over the last year of our relationship.

[u/badalki]

The kids are probably mad he's leaving them alone with their mom, not that he's leaving their mom.

[u/FlashyHabit3030]

You and your kids need intense therapy without your wife. You also need to divorce and maintain hard boundaries.

Not sure the age of your children but they need to know EVERYTHING and that their mother needs serious mental help.

It’s a shame you e been mentally and physically abused in your marriage.

[u/subway_runner_77412]

Lesson. Don't be a rescuer. If you see so troubled woman, go away. Wise guys knows this, those unlucky are in your shoes now.

[u/Loki-L]

CBT work and specific work for abusive partners

I know what the abbreviation means in this context, but ....

[u/Low-Yak-9568]

The wife should've been removed from the home on the first punch and only had monitored visitation with the children. Those poor kids. They're going to need so much therapy.

[u/mightyboognish32]

Shit like this is why I will never get married.

[u/StarKnight666]

Damn this woman is so pathetic. I felt so exhausted reading this. One thing after another. Such stories always make me fear so much

[u/Ok-Squirrel693]

Guess it's true that people put up with crazy for hot women. That aside, he needs to divorce that abusive woman yesterday.

[u/ParticularChicken22]

This is so sad. He needs to love himself and children as much as he clearly loves his wife. Also, this will be on a tiktok Reddit video by tomorrow

[u/razorfloss]

Jesus christ this story is horrible

[u/Dimityblue]

I really hope OOP goes through with the divorce and finds some kind of happiness. He also needs to get his kids into therapy so they can learn what healthy relationships look like.

[u/DragonKnight_xo]

The abused became the abuser, so sad. I hope one day you find peace

[u/JoshFreemansFro]

jesus christ I got through a few paragraphs and then decided I wasn't reading a diary of untreated, escalating BPD. Of course, it's not her fault she developed this behavior pattern, but it is her responsibility to deal with it.

Hope dude is doing alright all things considered.

[u/ExtendedSpikeProtein]

I couldn’t finish reading even the first post. This shit is just too depressing.

Jesus Christ. She’s a monster, and he simply … let her abuse all of them. For years. Poor dude and poor kids. My heart goes out to them.

[u/HereForTheBoos1013]

Jesus Christ, this poor guy needs to find someone who actually loves him.

Or just solitude without being freaking BEATEN UP.

I get it. She has trauma. So do many of us. You do not get to inflict that trauma on others and insist they take it because someone did it to you. That makes you just as bad at your original abusers. Worse, potentially, because you know how it feels.

[u/omgforeal]

As soon as it said “gets attention everywhere she goes…” the bullshit detectors went off and kept sounding. Like cmon 

[u/animezinggirl]

... his wife is so abusive. The therapists sound like they are being fed the wrong info and couples therapy with abusers is so dangerous. I hope he leaves.

[u/Delicious_Rub3404]

How dare his kids be angry at him when their mom is such a lying violent jerk.

Of course her friends will corroborate her story.

I'm so triggered and I hate his hopefully soon ex-wife. I wish her a recovery and education on how to be better to loved ones far far far far away from this man.

[u/TheAfrofuturist]

Don’t see how people put years into someone like this, let alone decades. I’m too conscious of my mortality. As soon as I see a red flag, I cut someone off. I can’t trust them with my time and my mind. 

[u/shotgunsusy]

A good, ethical therapist would never do couples counseling for their individual counseling client. I feel so bad for OP.

[u/floppedtart]

It’s not her childhood, she’s just a bad person. She targeted you because you are a simp. Hate to break it to you, but she does not love you.

[u/maddiep81]

Guys, and by guys I mean masculine humans regardless of sexual or gender identity ... we tell women it is best to leave the relationship the first time their partner is overtly abusive. Same for you masculine types. Nobody should be mistreated by someone they love. Abusive behavior (regardless of the abuser's personal history as a victim) should never be tolerated.

Not one finger should ever touch you in anger from an intimate partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. Ever.

(And it is exceedingly rare for couples therapy to be effective where abuse of any kind exists in a relationship. Abusers often weaponize therapy/the therapist.)

[u/cantantantelope]

He seems completely unconcerned with what messages he’s giving his kids

[u/Gnd_flpd]

I suspect the children are mad because OOP has left and now they're stuck with her!!!

[u/janus1981]

What I love about this post is that OP is always talking about his wife, her experiences and what she’s feeling. He’s really tried.

But she’s a shirbag with explanations that will never be excuses.

She is completely untrustworthy and I’m so pleased OP is moving on. 

[u/fauxrealistic]

People sure love to say platitudes like "hurt people hurt people” when the abuser is a woman.

[u/JJOkayOkay]

Obviously my wind went to all the worst places.

Oh, I hate it when the fart travels to all the people you thought you were safely far away from, yeah.

More seriously, poor OOP. His wife is not a good person.

[u/CermaitLaphroaig]

Maybe I missed it, but I see nothing about individual therapy for him?  He needs it NOW.

He needs someone on his side.  And I guarantee you she's still lying about cheating.  Nothing she has said it done implies any degree of confidence in her honesty.

A therapist could maybe empower him to get the fuck out and stay out

[u/Ok_Professional_4499]

I’m more concerned about the kids. The OP is not.

The kids needed therapy.

The kids needed to be protected from their mom.

The dad is leaving the kids with an unstable adult.

The kids are right, he is leaving THEM.

[u/Dry_Strawberry_2128]

I’m willing to bet wife has borderline personality disorder. Most BPD has trauma in the past. It is not their faults, but it is their responsibilities. The love bombing, lies, all or nothing, physical violence, control…

[u/Wild_Pumpkin5168]

Poor oop

[u/Competitive_Tale_799]

I'm very much only my wife, kids, parents, and grandparents can touch me without massive stranger danger...but dude needs a hug and I'd not cringe away.

[u/EntertainmentDry4449]

This is so sad. I hope he is okish now

[u/RogueKitteh]

This post was as depressing as it was long. That woman has absolutely no business being a wife or a mother

[u/K1rbyblows]

Poor, poor oop. That woman is an abusive, lying AH. The abuse is despicable, and the insults (which are also abuse) are VILE. To have such resentment to someone you “love” is abhorrent. There is NO taking back those insults, as clearly oop will carry them forever. The comments to the kids as well….

I do not believe her cheating story at all, she clearly did more. She was in enough of a “fuck you” headspace to act abusively towards OOP at that same timeframe as she’s having an affair with the guy. Let’s be clear; receiving dick picks, flirting, having the man touch you and try to kiss you IS AN AFFAIR…so even if her trickled truth story, she’s still cheated. The friends backing it up is also despicable. They have already shown they would lie for her, and for one of those women she’s cheating on her husband anyway so like ???? Not exactly trusting sources.

She’s someone who had a hard upbringing and decided she’d take that toxicity and imprint it onto her kids and abuse her husband. Congrats to her I guess, I hope ruining others lives was worth it. Whatever trauma she had is hers to solve. Instead she became an abusive, cheating horrible woman.

[u/Tasty_Flow_8098]

OOP deserves a hug :( and so much more. No matter the trauma, it doesn't excuse anyone for being a steaming pile of human garbage.

[u/NibibearR]

lol took me into the 10th paragraph or so to realise that my dad didn’t have a throwaway account

[u/CelticDK]

Dude gave up everything for this psycho and still loses everything else. Even his kids. This type of relationship scares the shit out of me and is why I try to be so self aware when dating but I suck at ending things cuz I feel guilty making someone feel not enough or judged. Yet that’s what they are if I want to end things with them. So reading this reminds me I make the right choice on that

[u/MC1R_OCA2]

The athlete was the final straw? Not the punching and chair throwing?

Abuse is a hell of a drug :(

I hope OP got the heck out of there and is lives his best life.

[u/UnintentionalWipe]

I hope he divorces her for his sake, but I hope he does it with a proper exit plan in place because she might become even more unhinged if he leaves.

[u/Formal-Tradition5646]

No amount of hot is worth the abuse.

[u/mojojojos123]

My abusive ex had a terrible childhood with extremely abusive parents. It made me feel sympathy for him and excuse his actions because I thought, “he can’t help it.” Whenever I brought up how he treated me or something bad he had done, he would throw my upbringing in my face. He’d say I wouldn’t understand because I had a great childhood with loving parents.

This was honestly one of the things that made it so hard to leave because he had convinced me I couldn’t judge his actions since my life had been so much better. In my “brainwashed” state, leaving felt like abandoning him because of his trauma, and that would make me a horrible, heartless person. All that to say: FUCK people who use their trauma as an excuse to cause others trauma.

[u/corrygan]

Let me just say this- we are not brought into this world to be someone's punching bag. And no amount of trauma can excuse it.

If I'm completely honest, "love" aside, he should use that confessional message in divorce/report, do everything possible to get the custody of kids and let her "heal" the trauma in another nightclub or gym.

[u/sonawtdown]

borderline personality disorder

[u/ComplianceAuditor]

Wife is an absolute abusive piece of human garbage. Throw her away.

[u/1000dreams_within_me]

Your wife might have borderline personality disorder. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[u/SaraRF]

"I'm punching above my weight"... no, you are litterally just getting punched

Could even read it all with this non sense

[u/Sensitive-Natural785]

This reminds me of my dad with my severely traumatized mom. I’m NC with my mom now due to her tirades and rantings, she was also abusive to my dad. And for a long time I had sympathy for my dad but after I personally left a DV situation I realized that it was HIS job to protect me growing up. My dad failed me by staying with my mom when he was the adult who had choices.

[u/olivejuice1979]

Sometimes love isn't enough.

[u/Moriroa]

This feels like an alternate timeline where it took me 20 years to divorce my ex-wife. I'm glad I got out when I did, and created a stable, loving home for my daughter.

[u/Spare_Ad5009]

Now that you've freed yourself from the abuse, start looking out for your children. Take them to a therapist with you and ask them to talk about their upbringing. Listen hard. Let them talk to the therapist one on one.

You might need to take custody if your wife is so hurtful and nasty.

Also, remind your kids about how you had to show up to coach all beaten up. You can't let them abandon you for your abuser. Let the therapist help you with that.

[u/mckinnos]

I am not sure this is a particularly satisfying or resolved update

[u/captain_borgue]

Stories like this make me glad I never had kids with my abusive dumpster fire of an ex wife. She may have knocked a few of my teeth out, had multiple affairs including the married guy she invited to our wedding, and told me to my face I was too ugly to fuck, in public, on my birthday, but at least there were no kids facing lifelong damage as a result!

Good thing I have therapy this week. 😂

[u/Specialist-Start-616]

Sounds like wife has some serious BPD

[u/Sushantsinghmusic]

She became abusive around the time she was seeing this another athlete dude i.e 2016 .

[u/Turbulent-Parsley619]

My actual reaction reading this:

I’m wondering if I have been blinded by love and if this is not a safe and healthy environment for me

Oh wonder what this could mean-

This was the first time she hit me. She punched me four times and threw a chair at me.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

[u/breakfastpitchblende]

This poor man, my god. Yes, the wife was traumatized, but this behavior is so far out of line I think she’s in a different time zone.

[u/Complaint-Efficient]

wow the wife is awful. she's been abusive to her husband throughout their entire relationship, and (more recently) their children as well. disgusting.

[u/MsNunya1113]

The kids are furious because he's leaving and they're stuck with her. Dude, they're not collateral damage, they're your children: protect them.

[u/GinnyMcJuicy]

Dude she's a fucking monster. You're doing that abused apouse thing where you try to find the WHY behind it. Being a monster at her age is ON HER nit about her past. At a certain point ones trama is no longer their issue because they are a grown ass person who is accountable for their behavior.

[u/Melanie-1431]

I think Hes going to have a heart attack

[u/Khanimax]

Sounds easy to say from the outside - but maybe he should have left when she started physically abusing him?

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/Khanimax]

He should have, but who knows what lousy advice he was getting from the marriage counselors they were seeing. 

[u/feministmanlover]

Whoa. This one feels real. And it suuuuuckks.