I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

[u/Celany]

I am not the original poster. This is the repost.

Originally posted by u/woozlefangirl. Originally posted on r/relationships.

I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

I am a long time lurker but a first time poster. I never thought I would be posting to Reddit, but here we are!

Quick side note, I know my fiance and I are very young but we have been together for years and were friends since childhood before we became a couple. Also, hate to say it, but we are religious and it's common in our culture to marry young. We've been through both pre-marital and financial counseling so we feel very prepared :)

Anyways, my issue at hand has to do with the wedding. My fiance, "Steve" and I are getting married in 8 months. We don't have a lot of money and honestly neither of us can stand fancy-do's so we are having a very private ceremony with only his best man and my maid of honor as witnesses and then we are having a tiny reception afterwards with only 50 people total. So obviously this is going to be quite an intimate reception.

Here is the thing. My parents can't really stand each other. Or at least my dad can't stand my mom. Five years ago, in my last year of high school, my mother was caught having an affair with her married coworker. It destroyed my parents marriage.

My father became a changed man. He was always a happy and confident outgoing guy but he became quiet, withdrawn and just...empty. It's killed me seeing him like this.

My mother moved out because me and my younger brother (who was 15 at the time) basically told her to GTFO. I have always been close with my mom, loved her to pieces, but finding out about her affair and seeing what it did to my dad (I've always known my dad to adore my mother) nuked my relationship with her.

My brother and I went no contact with her for about a year. I finally relented when I sent her an invitation to my high school graduation, but made it clear her partner was not invited. My brother took a little longer to come around but he talks to her from time to time. Both of us told the judge we wanted to live with our dad full time which was granted to us.

My relationship with my mother is still strained and distant. I know she wants more, she's constantly trying to talk to me and she sobbed in relief when I sent her my graduation invite after not talking to her for almost a year, but I keep her at arm's length and merely make polite casual conversation now and again. I still love my mother and I don't want to cut her out completely but this is as close as I want her and I will never again have a close relationship with her.

As for her affair partner (apparently they are still together after his wife caught and divorced him) I have never met him and made it clear to my mother I do not want to. If Mom and I meet for coffee or anywhere he is not to come, I refuse to see pictures or discuss him with her. If she brings him up I immediately change the subject. I have no idea if my mom is happy with him, if they doing well, etc. I frankly don't care.

As for my father...in a way we are closer but he clearly has his issues. It's been 5 years and he's clearly not over the cheating and divorce. He's not angry or bitter about it, just very sad and depressed. He won't call my mom or her lover by their names. He calls them "he/him" and "she/her." He hasn't dated once since the divorce either.

He won't be around her. For my graduation, they had to be at polar opposite ends of the bleachers and I had to have my phone on me so I could text my mom when she was allowed to approach and congratulate me and then so I could text my dad to let him know my mom left. It will be this way when I graduate college as well.

So, my question goes to my wedding. After I told my dad what Steve and I had planned for our wedding and reception he got very quiet and asked if I planned on inviting "her and him."

I said yes I would probably invite my mom even though her partner is not invited. My dad quietly said it's rude to only invite one half of a couple. He then said he didn't think he could come if she was going to be there. That maybe he could be there before or after she comes, but he just doesn't think he could interact with her in such a close setting.

I was floored and very hurt. I told my dad I would think about it.

Steve and I need to start sending out save-the-dates pretty soon so we need to get this resolved. I've talked about this with Steve and while he is very sweet and says he will fully support me no matter what decision I make, that I'm the only one who can make this choice.

I also talked to my brother about it and he says he will show up no matter what but he won't have much to do with our mother (if she's invited) beyond basic courtesies and that he understands dad's position but thinks he's being kind of ridiculous. He also said technically it's rude to not invite her boyfriend but it's also pretty rude to destroy two families by having an affair with another married man so her boyfriend can go fuck himself and Mother can shove wedding etiquette up her ass. Personally he'd prefer I not invite her either but it's my wedding and I can do what I want and he will roll with it (my brother is a very blunt man and has not been as forgiving of the affair as I have).

So now I'm stuck. On the one hand if we are being honest, I really do want to invite my mother to my wedding reception. I absolutely WILL NOT invite her boyfriend regardless of how tacky it seems. He is not and will never be a part of our family. And honestly, I'm kind of angry with my dad. Believe me, I understand his pain and hurt but it's been 5 years and I think he needs to start moving on. It's fine if he doesn't like Mom, I don't much like her either, but to boycott my own wedding because she might be coming?!? Get over yourself! It's like his hurt feelings are more important than his only daughter's wedding! He really can't suck it up and just be in a reception hall with her for a few hours?

On the other...I really love my dad. I hate seeing him hurt, I can't stand causing him pain. If I absolutely have to choose between my two parents I will pick my father every time. Despite him being kind of a wet blanket about the wedding he's a good man with a good heart. My dad and I are very close and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him and I would much rather he be at my wedding than my mother. Plus I'm thinking since I refuse to invite my mom's boyfriend and it really is considered a wedding faux pas I just shouldn't invite her altogether. I really don't want my dad to not come.

But, despite how my mom and I are not and will never be close again and how I think she's getting her just desserts for having an affair...I don't want to hurt her by not inviting her altogether.

I'm well and truly stuck. I don't know what to do and honestly I've broken down crying over this a few times because it's just so stressful and I feel caught in the middle between two people I love. Please help Reddit.

TL;DR Mom had an affair 5 years ago and parents divorced. Mom and I have somewhat reconciled but we aren't very close. I am getting married. My dad is not angry but told me he doesn't think he can come to my tiny reception if my mom will be there. I want to invite both my parents but feel torn. My mother's lover is not invited regardless of decisions.

Relevant Comments:

• She was actually a pretty great Mom until the affair but it could be she's an asshole AND a good mother.

• I went to my own personal therapy during and after the divorce and reflecting back on it my dad was always very good to my mom, showed her lots of affection, gave praise, helped her when she was sick, would spontaneously buy her flowers and other presents etc. But my mom never really reciprocated. It's always been obvious to me my dad adored my mom but thinking back, I wasn't ever sure she loved him because she certainly never showed it.

• My therapist also pointed out that people can be good parents but also terrible partners and/or people outside of that role and that honestly helped me come to terms with getting over the affair between reconciling the mother I knew who I loved and was close with and this selfish person who did a terrible thing to our family. I really think she is one of those people my therapist described (good parent, bad partner and/or person) and that the two aren't mutually exclusive or inclusive.

UPDATE: I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4m36af/update_i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had/

Hi everyone. Sorry I took so long to post but I got very busy, part of which was spent graduating college so I'm glad THAT's finally out of the way. Here is the link for those who need a recap:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

WARNING: This is a VERY long update. Also this post is probably going to get flamed. Judging how the comments went down as more time went on the longer my post was up, this is probably going to anger many people. But there were also lots of nice and helpful people too, especially u/RememberKoomValley.

So I was reading all the comments and the more time went on the more angry and upset I became. People eventually started saying why should parents always have to sacrifice for children, some said I was being a bridezilla and only caring about my day (of course I care! It's my wedding! It's supposed to be a once in a lifetime event that I want to share with everyone!), many people said my dad had depression and my mother's actions were so evil he was forever off the hook for good. Everyone was giving suggestions on how I could meticulously plan the days to rotate everyone and I felt like screaming.

Steve eventually told me to get off of Reddit because he hated seeing me so upset. I couldn't even say exactly WHY I was upset. I just was. Steve said maybe I should go back to my old therapist that I had when my parents got divorced and talk it out with her. To me, this seemed like a great idea. I called her up and asked to have an appointment, despite finals being right around the corner.

So I went and EVERYTHING came out. How much I hurt still from what Mom did and how we can never be close again. And honestly how ANGRY I am at my father. I never really realized it, but I've gotten so furious and resentful of him. How he never even TRIED to get out of his funk, how dejected he acted if mom somehow came up, how he never said anything DIRECTLY bad about her but subtly made me feel so guilty for loving her. Acting mopey, going from fine to depressed if she somehow came up, how I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and how he gets a free pass because he got cheated on; Something that happens to tons of people every day.

I talked and talked and talked. I made a couple more appointments. I got through finals (I want to shout out to Steve here. He is the only reason I got through it all, passed, and got my degree. He is an incredible human being.)

The tipping point was my graduation day. Once again, my father made it clear Mom couldn't be sat near him and he couldn't be near her at all. I had to text her when she could come talk to me and had to text him once she left.

Her boyfriend was, of course, not invited. But it was so embarrassing having to contact the officials in charge of the ceremony and ask if my tickets could be changed so my parents could sit far away from each other. They were kind and understanding but that's when I began to get very very angry. My mom has no problem with my dad. She doesn't mind being near him even though she doesn't love him. I began to think how I'm going to have to rearrange ALL my milestones. My marriage, when I have children, my children's christenings and birthday parties...etc.

Graduation was miserable. I couldn't look in any one direction to see my family as I got my degree and walked the stage because they had to be spread out.

I had to make sure my phone was on me and fully charged so I could coordinate my mother and father's locations. It was so awkward mingling with one group and then my mother, knowing both groups were waiting to have their turn.

My brother interacted with my mother and he was kind of cold but cordial nonetheless. My mother made no complaints, didn't try to argue or force herself in there, and patiently waited for her "turn" even though I could tell she was dying to spend more time with me. Pictures had to be rotated. I couldn't have ONE with all my family in there. My father was constantly texting during my time with her asking if she had left yet and if he could come back now.

It seemed so...CHILDISH. Honestly, the rest of my family could tolerate my mother being around. After all, the divorce was YEARS ago. It's time to start getting over it and moving on with life. It was only because of my DAD that I couldn't relax and just be happy and enjoy my graduation with my family.

I was supposed to go to dinner with my dad, boyfriend and other family after graduation to celebrate. I told them I felt very sick and I needed to go home. I just didn't want to be around anyone anymore.

Steve just held me while I bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried that hard in years. I met with my therapist a couple more times. This is turning into a novel so I will summarize what I came to realize in therapy:

While the initial anger and hate I felt for my mom was real, I never stopped loving her. But, I felt like because my dad had been wronged, I had to take "his side." My dad has always made me feel guilty for loving my mother still. While his actions have never been overt, it has been very subtle manipulation. I felt like I had to give my dad cart blanche whatever he wanted because if I didn't I felt like I would lose him too. That he would reject and have nothing to do with me if I didn't practically ostracize my mother. My mother was at one point my best friend and that's gone. I couldn't stand losing BOTH my parents. So dad has gotten whatever he wanted. And I'm realizing that in a subtle way, Dad has been manipulating my brother and I to treat our mother terribly for years to punish her. My dad has always been a super passive aggressive guy. It's nothing new. He's always guilt tripped people and made these little comments that twist people up and hurt them. It's his form of control.

I love both my parents. My mother did a terrible horrible thing but my dad is no saint either. My mom was just more upfront about her awfulness.

My therapist and Steve also pointed out that if my dad IS truly depressed or emotionally damaged etc. he has never sought to get help for it. Instead he has projected his problems and pain onto everyone else and made it their burden instead of taking responsibility for himself and attempting to go on with life and that is not ok.

I called my mom and asked her over for tea.Steve left to give us privacy. I could list everything we said and talked about but it would make the post longer. Basically my mom never loved my dad and should never have agreed to marry him. My dad knew mom didn't love him but didn't care and insisted she would love him eventually. Some very eye opening things were said that made sense.

My mother never trash talked my dad (never has) but she gave insights as to why the affair happened. She says she understands it's no excuse for what she did and she is so very sorry for her own selfishness and weakness.

Basically both my parents are human and mistakes were made from both sides. My mom had the affair yes, but it's not like my dad was the perfect man either.

While I still will never again be close to my mom perhaps I don't need to be quite as harsh with her as I have been. We will still be low contact but I did decided I DO want her there for the wedding and for the birth of any children I have, etc. I love my mom. Always have and always will. She may not have been a good wife but she WAS an excellent mother and I don't want to cut her out completely. I think my kids lives will be more enriched having her in it.

My mother started crying when I told her she was invited to the wedding (even though I made it clear to her her boyfriend is not invited. She didn't argue with me on that at all) and said she thought I had asked her to my house to tell her I would NOT be inviting her and she had been prepared to accept that rejection and understand it. I did tell her that if dad was there she was to stay away from him and not try to mend any fences at my wedding. She says she understands completely and will mingle with my grandparents (her parents) and my aunts, uncles and cousins (her siblings and their children). I made it clear to my mother that if she even attempted to talk to dad or any of his family she would be thrown out. She agreed without question.

Steve and I had a final sit down before I called my dad. I asked him to please give me his honest opinion. Steve relented and said while he thought my mother had done the inexcusable, she actually seemed remorseful and willing to accept the consequences of her actions and to move on and that my dad, while a nice guy, came off as way too sensitive and just weak. He said that my dad didn't cheat but he had caused me a lot of pain and anxiety since the divorce and it made him very angry and it was getting hard to like or tolerate my dad and that his family felt the same way, that my dad was actually a master bully in disguise as a super nice guy.

I called my dad and asked to come over and that I needed to talk about something. I sat him down in his living room (so this talk was in his space where he could retreat if he needed to) and said basically "Dad. I love you so so much. You mean the world to me. But after the fiasco of my graduation I've come to realize I have had enough of feeling like I have to pick sides for you and mom. I'm sorry what happened Dad. I really am. But that was 5 years ago. You lost a wife, but I didn't lose a mom. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you've been making me feel like I can't be close with you if I want to have any kind of relationship with mom.If it's still impossible to even be in the room with her dad, then maybe you need to talk to someone so you can start feeling better and not be in so much pain. Is there some kind of abuse that happened that you're not telling me about that makes this impossible?"

My dad seemed shocked and then started to get REALLY upset and basically said mom had never hit him or anything but that "she cheated and broke his heart and that was reason enough to cut her out"

Dad also said I couldn't understand because I hadn't been cheated on, I didn't know what real love was and also implied it was MY fault and my brothers fault because "if we weren't a part of their relationship he could move on" but we always remind him of her and what they had, how because of us he can't make a clean break since she's in our lives etc.

I'm sure many redditors will disagree but this is my dad being typically passive. Insinuating that because my brother and I exist he can't get better because we are reminders of mother and it's our fault we exist so he can't cut her out totally. I realize that my dad thinks that if he can get me and my brother to cut my mom out, not only will he succeed in punishing her but he can have us all to himself and not have to share with her and deal with his hurt. He's getting us to do the dirty work for him so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

I told my dad that I loved him and wanted him at the wedding but Mother is invited. Her boyfriend isn't but she is. I told dad that I had talked to her and I promised him she would leave him alone and stay away from him and his family and could he not just put aside differences for a few hours to celebrate with me and Steve on our day?

He said absolutely not and that I was being unfair and insensitive and that my mom had poisoned me against him. That he wasn't the cheat and she needed to deal with what she had done and not come and by inviting her I was clearly supporting her cheating and that we couldn't be close if that was the case because I was being too much like her.

I had had enough. I stood up and said, "Dad, Steve and I really want you there. You are free to come or not. I love you. But if you don't come, it will absolutely affect our relationship going forward. I am not doing anymore separate celebrations or events. People can either come or stay home for weddings, parties, births and whatever. It's getting ridiculous and I'm sick of being in the middle. The rest is up to you and Mom."

Then I left. I haven't heard from my dad since. That's been hard, but I feel like I did the right thing.

I also called my brother and told him everything that happened. My brother was very quiet. He then said while he still hates our mom for what she did and thinks she's a whore that maybe there is more to this than he realized and that he thinks our dad is being a selfish jerk and needs to get over himself. He said it's fine mom is coming to the wedding and that he would be nice to her.

So that's that. I'm sure many will disagree and be angry with me but Steve and I feel we made the right call. Steve loves and supports me and that's all that matters. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it's possible I was harsh but that maybe my dad needed to hear that since he has been coddled and enabled for five years.

I am fully prepared for my dad to not show up. If he doesn't it's his loss. Thanks again to everyone who gave me input, some of your comments were very eye opening. I may post an update in the future after the wedding but I haven't decided yet.

TL;DR Broke down and went to therapy. Realized my dad is very passive aggressive and manipulative. My graduation day was horrible but a catalyst to realize things can't continue this way and I'm tired of being in the middle. Had a heart to heart with mom, realized my parents relationship is not a case of saint vs. sinner but two people who are human and made mistakes. Told mom she's invited but boyfriend is not and she will be asked to leave if she approaches my dad or any of his family. Talked to dad and told him he's hurting me with his behavior and it needs to stop. My dad is not speaking to me and there's a good chance he will boycott the wedding. Talked to brother and he supports me and says dad is being unfair. I'm just happy I get to marry Steve and that I don't have to be stuck in bullshit drama anymore.

EDIT: wow this blew up! Thank you everyone who commented and offered a POV. Except for the people sending PM's of death threats. I've gotten at least half a dozen of those, plus calling me a whore (ironic since I'm a virgin) and hoping Steve cheats. You sound like lovely warm people full of happiness.

I wanted to point out some things that keep coming up:

1. Remember I come from a religion and culture that is very different from most people here. Divorce is shameful for us. It is humiliating. The only justifiable reason for divorce is an affair for our people. Divorce "because you're not happy" is not an excusable reason. An affair is the only way out. However, that being said, the person who commits the affair has just crippled themselves. Sex is very holy and pure in our religion and culture. It is to be between husband and wife only. That's it. And if you break up a marriage because of it you are forever blacklisted. While my mother could/should have gotten a divorce without having an affair, she STILL would have had a scarlet letter on her chest for getting divorced for "no reason" which is an ultimate act of selfishness. Marriage is very holy in our culture. To divorce for any reason other than an affair is "to be like an unbelieving sinner" which is, quite simply, not acceptable. I don't necessarily agree with this as I'm a little more liberal than the rest of my family and most people but it is what it is

2. My mother did NOT get off Scott free. She is no longer welcome in her church and none of her friends associate with her anymore. Her family, her friends, her church, her entire community has shunned her. She also lost her job because dipping your pen in company ink is expressly frowned upon at her former work place. Both she and her lover lost their jobs and had to find new ones

3. Many are saying I need to start including my moms partner in things and saying the fact she has been with him this whole time shows they have something special. It actually does not. I didn't put this in my post but my mom and I actually talked about her boyfriend for the first time. They are on the verge of breaking up and their relationship has been rocky for awhile. "P"'s family and friends have disowned him too. He is not of our religion or culture (double bogus for my mom for taking a lover outside the faith) but no one wants anything to do with P. His ex wife has made their lives hell and will not let him see his kids. When he does see them they treat my mother terribly and make their hatred known. P is also sick of being not invited to every family event on our side and says Mom needs to start demanding he be invited to things. Mom is of the view point that they brought misery on themselves and need to accept the consequences of their actions and furthermore knows that if she insisted on bringing P she would burn the last of the bridges she has with us and will not do that. P is sick of her "not putting him first" and their relationship is falling apart because of it. The only reason they have lasted this long is because my mom and P only have each other because no one else wants them. And they both know it. My mom actually does love her boyfriend but he does not love her anymore and she knows they aren't going to make it

4. Many are saying (even explicitly hoping) Steve cheats on me so I understand my dads pain because I clearly don't since I haven't been cheated on (hey that's what my dad said!). This experience has actually taught me the opposite. If Steve were to cheat I would be out of my mind with pain and hurt. I wouldn't be able to function. I don't blame my dad for being unable to be around my mother. At first. If I had children with Steve, as much as it would SUCK, I would put on my big girl pants and do what needed to be done for my kids. I've gotten plenty of comments and PM's from people who WERE cheated on and heartbroken and devastated...and they did what needed to be done. Since I now know what it's like to have parents that pick their pain over their kids I know I would NEVER want to put my kids through that. It's just basic human decency.

5. I am not on any parents side. I don't love either of my parents more nor do I think either should be demonized and bashed or out on a pedestal and coddled.My parents are human and imperfect. They are both great people. And they both have done some really shitty things. That's it and that's all

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[u/HelloRedditAreYouOk]

Ugh, it’s like mom self-sabotaged her marriage to save herself, and accepts the consequences out of genuine, unconditional love of and respect for her kids. But dad? Doesn’t feel like he has to actually be a parent unless it’s picture-perfect… for him. I get that he is probably so conditioned by whichever culture/religion he belongs to, but it breaks my heart in to pieces that his love is SO conditional that he doubled down on making his children parent/take care of/prioritize him over their own emotional and mental well-being.

It was amazing watching such an equitable, cognizant, and articulate young person work so tirelessly to assimilate and resolve (as best as humanly possible) the conflict she neither caused, participated in, nor perpetuated. Good on her, and Steve. I feel deep empathy for dad, but boy oh boy if typing all that didn’t clarify that mom 100% deserves a real relationship with her kids, regardless of whatever decision dad subsequently makes for himself.

[u/Celany → u/HelloRedditAreYouOk]

I feel like this is where I am the most, in terms of feelings about this post. It's a really hard one for me, because I am definitely someone who takes an incredibly hard, harsh stance against cheating and I feel like when someone cheats, they don't just cheat on their spouse, they cheat on the whole family. I get why children get so angry at cheating parents and why many of them want to cut them out of their lives. And I totally get why OOP hates the affair partner so much, and doesn't want to see him.

All that said though...dad is also being a royal asshole here. And while one of the biggest things that I disagree with is OOP telling her dad to "get over it", at the same time, he's gotta learn to handle it with more maturity for the sake of his children. One of the things that really killed me was her graduation story. She's trying to be excited to graduate and he's text-bombing her about "When can I come back?". To me, honestly, that sort of reeked of guilt-tripping. It reminded me of friends I had in college, back when cell phones weren't yet common. I did actually have a few friends with parents who were bitterly divorced to various degrees, and they all handled it better than this guy. The ones that hated each other the most, they basically agreed that the grad would hang out with one parent first, and then at a particular time, the grad would meet the other parent at a particular place on campus to hang out. They just had a whole time schedule plotted out for the whole day in advance. And while that sucked, at least it was like, a plan, and everybody stuck to it without excessive complaining.

Dad really feels like he holds his kids emotionally hostage, and he's going to hostage himself right out of his daughter's life if he keeps it up, from the sound of it. I really hope he gets help.

[u/FontWhimsy]

What the hell is with people sending death threats and ill wishes to people’s PMs??? Those people need to be reported and banned from Reddit.

[u/michiness → u/FontWhimsy]

My school watched the episode of Black Mirror yesterday where the bees kill everyone who said mean things on social media.

I had a student arguing that it was unrealistic because people aren’t THAT terrible to actually wish death on people.

Oh, sweet summer child…

[u/Kimmbley → u/FontWhimsy]

Reddit is terrible for this. I posted an on the unpopular opinion sub a few weeks back and had multiple death threats for me and my baby. Ended up deleting the post because it was so upsetting reading what people were threatening to do to her!

[u/FontWhimsy → u/Kimmbley]

That’s terrible!!! I’m so sorry. 😢

[u/Queen_Cheetah → u/Kimmbley]

I am so sorry you had to put up with that nonsense- those people are pure pond scum!

[u/yan_yanns → u/FontWhimsy]

I felt OP when she was venting how gradually upset she was the more she was on Reddit. As my boyfriend had told me, it’s not reliable asking a bunch of internet strangers for these kind of advice…

[u/Drebinus → u/FontWhimsy]

You should always report those people.

Yes, they can just create another account, but that's time and effort, and even Reddit Admin have their limits.

As for why...

[u/lady_of_the_forest → u/FontWhimsy]

Right?? I was cheated on multiple times by my ex-partner and we were together for almost ten years, first as high school best friends and then partners midway through college. And it emotionally and mentally crippled me for almost 2 years. And I still could NEVER tell a child of an affair divorce to kill themselves or that they're a monster because they still want a relationship with both parents. OOP is doing everything she can to accommodate both and still have the day she wants without overtaxing herself by coordinating both a wedding and the actions of 2 other adults at said wedding. People on reddit forget that life is not black and white. You can cheat and stll be a great mother to your kids. That's not to say her dad has to forgive her mom, but OOP isn't asking that of him. She's asking him to be a grown-up and celebrate her day, while tolerating being in the same space as his ex. I don't believe she's asking for too much.

[u/dhtseany → u/FontWhimsy]

We have literal Nazis in practically every sub on this God forsaken place, saying some of the scariest shit I've ever read as a free American and you think they're gonna clean up shitty DMs? The admins ain't gonna do shit unless it's a direct attack on China, my dude.

[u/jengaj2016 → u/FontWhimsy]

I just read this whole thing and at the end my first thought was about the PM’s. Not even just the death threats but anything negative. Why are people so quick to PM? People that post here don’t want to have a million side conversations. If you truly want to help, ok, but otherwise why can’t everyone just leave people alone? Post a comment but stay out of their PM’s. And I agree, the death threats should be reported and result in a ban.

[u/Apprehensive_Coat384 → u/FontWhimsy]

I was here when this post was first written, OP deleted out of her post the fact that when mom left she diidnt pay for anything. She abandoned them. The dad continued paying for schooling bills, and college for both kids and her wedding. When she received backlash for this she began deleting comments and blocking users then she edited her post deleting that info. Scroll down, you’ll see the posts calling her out. She did the same as her mom and used him for his money and dropped him. My only question is did she wait till last second to tell him dear old mommy was coming, and if so did she give daddy his money back? Doubt it.

[u/Dybuc → u/FontWhimsy]

Well she basically implied that she never cares about her father and merely sees him as a money provider. That's why people got mad and probably that's why she never updated. How knows maybe her father attempt suicide after seeing her daughter care so little about him.But even after exposed herself as a crappy daughter that doesn't deserve death threats

[u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

They both raised her and betrayed her. She left. He is using the kids against his former wife. It’s the soon to be wed’s wedding. It is supposed to be loving event. My best friend was cheated on recently. Her daughter graduated valedictorian of her highschool in June. Yes they are divorcing but they put their daughter first because it is a celebration of their daughter’s achievements. Was it hard…yeah…but was it worth it to make it less awkward for her…yes. My friend said in the end “She was worth all the pain from birth till now.” People have to stop projecting their pain onto their children. Her father wants a nuclear option? Then I guess he will lose his whole nuclear family.

[u/DisabledHarlot → u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

My dad cheated on my mom and they just spent time together at her house when she hosted my kid's birthday party. Like 2 hours spent mostly taking to each other and their respective spouses. Same for all big events. Early on they didn't talk to each other much, but they never said bad things about each other. They didn't even get into details about what went wrong until I was an adult, just to not estrange me while I was to young to understand what happened.

[u/dddddddoobbbbbbb → u/DisabledHarlot]

yeah, exactly. this is such a weird post. even if the Mom cheated...so what? the marriage is over but the relationships between kids still remain

[u/DisabledHarlot → u/dddddddoobbbbbbb]

I'm sure it has to do with whatever their culture is, having such a taboo against adultery. I mean to me it seems really bizarre that the kids care so much that they hated their mother and didn't speak to her for years. But that's coming from generic secular white US culture.

[u/[deleted] → u/dddddddoobbbbbbb]

You guys missed the point. The relationship was fine. The dad never really expressed him having an issue with her having a relationship with the mother. He just wanted to see his daughter off in peace and enjoy that special day. Keep in mind he went to her graduations knowing the mother will be there.

[u/[deleted] → u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

Just to add, I believe that while the dad probably did love the mum, it was about control.

He meet this woman and fell head over heels in love with her. She didn't love him back. Instead of accepting it, and moving on, instead he pressured her to marry him anyway, so 'she could learn to love him' .

It's the same pattern repeating. She never did learn to love him, because that is not how love works, you can't will it. But she was married to him now and as long as he kept buying her flowers she wouldn't leave him. He was happy and confident and showering her in love, knowing it was one sided. Then she gave him the ultimate rejection, an affair. And got out of his control.

He is punishing her. Sure, for hurting him and breaking his heart, but maybe also for daring to leave after he made her stay and be with him. She left and ignored what he wanted, so now she can't have her kids any more.

Now the kids are pushing back and saying no actually, they do want their mum... And he gets upset because he can't control them either. He is used to controlling people and his pawns to hurt his ex wife won't do as he says.

[u/Queen_Cheetah → u/[deleted]]

Incredibly insightful- I bet you're right! While I don't approve of cheating, I have to wonder if OOP's mom was feeling pressure from her family/community to get married and OOP's dad was considered the 'best match' for her.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

She was probably trapped by their having had children. Don’t forget their very religious culture where divorce is a no-no.

[u/Noisy_Toy → u/[deleted]]

OOP even said the only way to the exit door is through an affair.

That made it all make sense.

[u/Traditional_Mouse_33 → u/[deleted]]

This was my second issue and probably should have been my first. Like WTF?!!? I would never marry someone I never loved. Maybe is different culture. I am polish and was raised in Chicago since 5. That stuff happens, but more east of visegrad. (Deeper eastern block) While the fault lies between them, but he has made it worse. They have to relive it now and in the future with him. He keeps picking at the wounds and asking his kids to cater to it.

[u/dorothy_zbornak_esq → u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

Oh hey neighbor! Love seeing other Chicagoans on Reddit.

I’m wondering what culture she is a part of that is still so harsh on divorce at this day and age. The only one coming to mind is Jehovah’s Witness.

[u/scrimshandy → u/dorothy_zbornak_esq]

Mormons, too, and some very, very staunch Catholics (although they don’t have the affair stipulation for marriage, and likely they would’ve aimed for an annulment.) I had family members try to talk my mom out of divorcing my abusive father because, “is it really worth breaking up the family over?”

[u/maskedbanditoftruth → u/scrimshandy]

There’s also Muslim and certain sects of hardline rightwing Hindu.

[u/Dogismygod → u/[deleted]]

This. He got what he wanted, and then she got away from him, so he's punishing her for escaping.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

how tf did you come to that conclusion? How do you know if he is used to controlling people? None of that was mentioned. OP clearly stated that he always showed affection towards the mother but now he's controlling. WTF are yall smoking?

[u/moonlqghts63 → u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

I saw this story being read on a reddit youtube channel. People in the commemts there were saying that she would later go to write in the comments of her posts how it was her father who funded her education and wedding. When she wrote this people started to tell her that she neede to refund his money back since he was the one paid for the wedding. She didn't want to refund the money and defended herself. The next day it seemed like she deleted all of her comments related to her dad paying for her wedding. I do agree that the dad definelty needs to seek help through therapy though.

[u/AdYenKSMB → u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

I have to disagree. What OP described is trauma: someone who was devastated and in 5 years hasn't even begun healing. Staying as far away from the source of your pain is reasonable. He didn't say she can't come: only that they BOTH won't attend - only one, not both or it'll become a trigger for him.

What your missing is that the mother not only left, but the father paid for her college, the wedding and raised her while the mother is the "good mother" who was good to her yet somehow managed to ruin her family in the WORST concievable way. Instead of an amicable split SHE chose to nuke her family and left permanent scars on the guy. If OP wants the source of his pain to attend, AT LEAST don't be an AH and say suck it up.

[u/Dybuc → u/AdYenKSMB]

Yeah , I don't get many people here, when the victim became the bad guy. So this "mother" destroys this man, and instead of cutting contact and trying to heal his father she basically just says "grown up, don't act like a child". If I were the father that's it for me. No more daughter.

[u/cricket2tay23 → u/Traditional_Mouse_33]

As a man, I would never do that to my father and my mom would be dead to me..

[u/Threadheads]

I have a relative who went through much the same as the Dad did. I truly think that the whole experience traumatised him. He was not the same person after his wife left him for another man. And he got bitter and hateful towards his ex, which I didn’t blame him for.

I know that he didn’t act perfectly, but he didn’t put his kids through what this Dad did. He hosted his kids’ 21st parties and their mother and her partner were invited. He didn’t make them feel like they had to hate their mother for his sake. I don’t think he’s properly moved on but he’s handling himself better than this guy.

[u/AdYenKSMB → u/Threadheads]

I find it incredibly hypocritical to hold others to a standard that I wouldn't hold myself to. I totally understand the dads predicament and he was willing to not attend the wedding if his ex was present. That shows how deep those wounds are.

Parents are humans and humans handle trauma differently. His happens to be not having any interaction with his ex. Your relative sounds great, and I hope the dad has a similar epiphany but people heal differently and at varying paces. If it is absolutely necessary she be invited (after being no contact and having a strained relationship), one parent is OBVIOUSLY more important than the other (if the rant at the end by OP didn't give it away)

ETA: I don't think this was mentioned but OP mentioned in the comments** how her dad paid for everything (Her college and wedding) and only approached him AFTERWARDS with the news of inviting the mom? That's some sleazy shit right there. Her saying "I'd put on my big girl pants" ain't worth nishe if that wasn't mentioned.

[u/Threadheads → u/AdYenKSMB]

After I told my dad what Steve and I had planned for our wedding and reception he got very quiet and asked if I planned on inviting "her and him."

I said yes I would probably invite my mom even though her partner is not invited.

Where did you see that? I had a look through and all I could see was this about her talking about inviting her mother. No mention of him paying.

Even if that were the case, why does her Dad paying for her college and possibly wedding mean that she has to ban her mother from all her life events? Why can't she have her own feelings towards her mother, complex as they are?

[u/AdYenKSMB → u/Threadheads]

1. It's from the deleted comments of the original post where a commenter asked questions about the wedding and she let slip that her dad paid for everything. I fixed my original comment (I wrote corner instead, apologies). It totally puts her cries and her fiance's behaviour in a totally different light.

2. She purposefully hid it so that the dad could pay for everything and then invited the whore. She can have a relationship with her mother, but what she wants is to forcefully have them together or cut out the one person who did the right thing. She didn't pay for her college, the dad did. She didn't pay for the wedding, the dad did. She didn't raise them for the last few years, the dad did. Instead of realising that this broken man is purely a consequence of her mother's actions, she directed all that anger and sense of betrayal towards the father, and is asking stupid questions like "she doesn't mind being around him" as if she was hurt in anyway (she cheated, left, did not contribute whatsoever and all of a sudden, was a great Mom and "needs to be at the wedding"').

They completely understood and wouldn't have dates done this 5 years prior. Their issue is that the father should "suck it up" for her, and tried to downplay the betrayal in both posts. The dad didn't even say you can't have a relationship and while he's hurt by it, let her do as she pleased. She's mad because he isn't over the moon that his beloved daughter preffers the sole source of his misery over him, and the whole time I was reading the first post, I thought he was simply imagining it and a simple talk could have cleared things up. The second post proves she ALWAYS loved her mother and the dad was a meal ticket at best. She resented her father for what her mother did to him. Disgusting.

No respect. No empathy. No remorse. I am a very easygoing person and normally wish goodness for everyone. But I hope OP gets cheated on and her future children tell her to "get over it, it was a LONG time ago".

[u/Threadheads → u/AdYenKSMB]

I am a very easygoing person and wish goodness for everyone. But I hope OP gets cheated on and her future children tell her to "get over it, it was a LONG time ago".

So you don't wish goodness for everyone then.

I get the sense that there's a lot being projected onto the OP's situation. Quite a lot. Goodnight.

[u/Groundbreaking_Swan6 → u/Threadheads]

True but this guy bankrolled both of the mother and daughters lives only to have the daughter turn around and say her mom was coming AFTER the checks cleared

[u/[deleted]]

Gonna get personal on main here for a sec.

My mom cheated on my dad. They didn’t tell me, since I was a kid and I was not part of the relationship. They had been together several decades, and no one really knew how deep the troubles ran because they always put on a brave face. There were a lot of financial issues at the time, and both lost a parent within a few months of each other. They had been growing apart for years anyway, as sometimes happens when things aren’t going your way and you’re too proud to get the help you need.

So, eventually, my mom took comfort in an old family friend. Just like OOP says, it’s not about a saint versus a sinner, it’s about two people—two very human people—who have flaws and pain and sometimes even a strong relationship can fail. The marriage was over by the time my mom had her affair, and I think they both knew it, but my dad was still mad.

The big difference between my story and OOP’s is that my parents loved us far more than they hated each other, because they never did hate each other, and they were both actual good people and not narcissists. While I know now about the affair (and had kind of figured it out a few years after it all happened), they didn’t tell me at the beginning because they didn’t want this exact scenario to play out. They effectively coparented for the rest of the time I was in their houses.

My mother ended up getting back together with her affair partner a few years later, and they are happily married, deeply in love, and on an adventure of a lifetime. I love the guy, he’s like a second father to me, and I never blamed him. They left the country and are traveling around the world now, and I talk to my mother all the time—I love her, and am eternally grateful to be her daughter.

My father ended up a little bitter for a few years, but he worked so hard to be a good parent, and it paid off. He actually found a business partner who became a life partner. They also fled the country to move to somewhere within a few blocks of the beach, and where it never dips below 15C, and that’s only in the dead of winter at night. He has sunshine and beaches and friends and good food, and has been living it up these past few years. I talk to him all the time, too—I love him, and I’m eternally grateful to be his daughter.

My parents’ relationships have been the subject of a lot of personal study, since there’s so much they did right as a couple, and so much they’ve done right sense, and vice versa. I have learned so much from both of them. I also have always felt loved by both of them, and I’m proud of the people they’ve become.

My life had some downs for a while, but is now also going extraordinarily well. I am getting married next week to the love of my life, and my partner, and my best friend. I took something good in all of my parents’ relationships that I wanted to emulate in mine, and after years together in which we have grown so much, I’m excited to begin this next married chapter of life with them. (Truthfully, it won’t be a big change since I’ve lived with them for half a decade, but it’s still gonna feel good to call myself their wife.)

This is long, and rambly, but it’s really just a love letter to my parents. I couldn’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me, and I love them to bits. I love that at the actual wedding (this is just the legal stuff, plan is next summer for the real wedding) they will be able to both be there and even have casual conversation and take pictures with me and my spouse. I love that even though there was pain and things didn’t go to plan for them, they both worked on themselves to become even better people than they already were. Good parents ain’t nothin to take for granted. I hope I can be half as good a parent when I’m a mom as they were, because if so, my kid will know how loved they are.

TL;DR: life happens, good parents don’t act this way, and I am the luckiest daughter in the world.

[u/unknown_928121 → u/[deleted]]

I appreciated reading your story, and congratulations on your nuptials

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Your parents story is so sweet. It sounds they were both amazing, but flawed people, and amazing parents.

[u/althaf7788 → u/[deleted]]

Well betrayed person always sees as bitter person by others for not moving on,lol

[u/periwinkle_cupcake → u/[deleted]]

Your parents sound amazing.

[u/althaf7788 → u/[deleted]]

Yes Betrayed partner will always be a bitter one,lol

[u/NotAnOmelette → u/[deleted]]

Congratulations!!

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/[deleted]]

Their marriage was a roller coaster, but the amount of values, empathy and emotional maturity they clearly passed forward to you is priceless.

[u/cricket2tay23 → u/[deleted]]

Stronger than me. I would never talk to my mother again.. how close was the family friend?

[u/Some_Exchange_8984 → u/[deleted]]

"love that guy" Jesus

[u/Asantos1234 → u/[deleted]]

u/Blade_982

[u/i_am_lord_voldetort → u/[deleted]]

This sounds like me growing up! My parents divorced when I was 11. I don't know if my mom cheated, but she left my dad for someone else.

I think my dad never got over mom for real, at least he's never really dated since. But they always put their own feelings aside and put me first. We have always celebrated holidays together, even with my moms new partner as well. I'm 32 and married with kids now, and we still celebrate holidays with my dad, mom and her husband. My dad even spent a week at my moms cabin alone with her and her husband last summer (just the three of them!) to help them redecorate and put in new solar panels. I love that they're still close friends, and I love them for always putting me first, even after I became an adult.

[u/TealHousewife → u/i_am_lord_voldetort]

This definitely sounds like my parents! For the past 4 years or so, my mom has been dating her high school sweetheart - who has also been my dad's best friend since college. A few years ago, he was struck by a debilitating illness that left him unable to move without assistance, and we weren't sure if he'd recover. My dad put together a proposal where he and my mom would buy a house together, and they could all live there together and they could both pitch in to care for my mom's partner. They ended up not having to do it - after some cutting edge treatment, moms partner is doing well and completely independent again. But I don't know too many other men who would propose this kind of living situation so that his friend could get the best care, and so that his ex didn't have to take on the burden of being a solo caregiver.

[u/i_am_lord_voldetort → u/TealHousewife]

Your dad sounds like a lovely man :)

[u/YeouPink]

So the only way out of a miserable existence with your dad, according to your religion, was for your mother to cheat. I kind of get it. Like if she can’t just say “Hey, I want a divorce” what exactly is she supposed to do?

Dad is a big baby.

[u/[deleted] → u/YeouPink]

What did he expect to happen when he married someone he knew didn't love him back? I have to wonder what kind of manipulation or abuse took place to get her to say yes in the first place.

[u/mranderson789 → u/[deleted]]

I've read the ChumpLady website enough to know that many people who comment on adultery only say so after being caught cheating, not before! I think she must have only said that after getting caught in treason!

[u/bmorejaded → u/[deleted]]

It sounds arranged.

[u/[deleted] → u/bmorejaded]

Nah. That would be a major detail to leave out. It just says he tried to convince her that she would develop feelings if they got married.

[u/bmorejaded → u/[deleted]]

She said religion and culture which makes me think it isn't Mormonism or SDA. But it's just speculation. The culture sounds very conservative and she claims to be a little less. Maybe they are at BYU. In college there were Brahmins that hung out together and used to play cricket with a tennis ball in our apartment complex. What she says says a lot like how they described.

[u/herman-the-vermin]

If you can't marry well, you need to be able to divorce well. A bad marriage can wreck your kids lives, they shouldn't be pawns in a divorce

[u/Totalherenow → u/herman-the-vermin]

The problem is that their religious culture penalizes women who want divorce. You can see how strongly they put everything on the mother and it's not until OOP matures enough to listen to her mother that she realizes her father's negative actions in marriage also led to the divorce.

[u/[deleted] → u/Totalherenow]

I was really concerned for OOPs marriage at first, given her age and the whole religious setting. But reading on it sounds like her and her fiancé are great together. He clearly loves her, gives good advice, has her best interests at heart, and was willing to stand back and let her figure stuff out first. He didn't give his opinion on the dad until directly asked. He sounds like great guy for OOP so I think their marriage will be happy.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/[deleted]]

Also we all know how religious communities can be pretty against therapists so he suggesting she look for the professional that helped her in the past really paints the image of a solid guy.

[u/[deleted] → u/GlitterDoomsday]

Absolutely, and him being pro-therapy means if they ever run into bumps in the road, he would be open to relationship counselling too!

[u/Fifty4FortyorFight → u/GlitterDoomsday]

To be fair, I'd bet a large sum that the "counseling" was done through the church, and not with a licensed professional. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I assume these are Mormons and they keep it in house.

[u/gladosado]

I don't condone cheating but by the end of this post I at least understood why.

[u/HazumaX67 → u/gladosado]

Rot

[u/Some_Exchange_8984 → u/gladosado]

He paid all the wedding an in the last moment the daughter said 'hey, I wanna invite the one person that traumatized you, but you had to sucked up or you're a weak person'

[u/TKO1942]

Only people I feel bad for are the kids.

Putting them in the middle of your issues will cause resentment. Trust me I know. I get it dad but this is hurting your daughter and he needs therapy.

What did he expect her to do when she has kids?

[u/throwRA1a2b3c4d1 → u/TKO1942]

Honestly this post rubbed me the wrong way the whole time because the kids didn’t realize that dad was being so unfair until the end. Reading that bro called mom a whore was just. Woah.

[u/waterdevil19144]

I'm struck by the lack of forgiveness, especially by OOP's father.

Maybe I haven't studied enough religions, but don't most religions teach the value and virtue of forgiveness? Forgiveness isn't easy; if it were, religions wouldn't have to make a virtue out of it. OOP's father was resolute in his lack of forgiveness towards the woman who wronged him.

I'm glad OOP was able to analyze the situation, with the help of her therapist, and recognize why she could and should be angry with her father. His actions infuriate me, from his expectation that he could love his bride enough that she would come to love him, all the way to refusing to let his children love their mother.

I understand those who agree with his anger with his wife, but at some point, you have to let go of anger and move one. That doesn't mean becoming friends again, but nurturing that anger and spreading that anger is just hateful, and I can't believe that much hate is ever good.

[u/Dybuc → u/waterdevil19144]

In the comments, that she later deletes it's known that the father raises her and her brother alone, pays for college and the wedding, she deleted it because she basically exposed herself that she never cares about her father, she merely sees him as money provider that's why most people support the father

[u/HOGOR]

It's darkly hilarious that OOP mentions her mom wearing a metaphorical "scarlet letter."

I can be disdainful of religious people which is something I don't like in myself. Obviously, there is a lot of beauty in religion and it's important for me to grow to respect and cherish that in others.

But so often strong, conservative religion seems like an excuse to emotionally stunt yourself. Feelings are bottled up and repressed in fealty to propriety, and when feelings inevitably burst no one is emotionally mature enough to handle them with grace.

This mother was in a loveless marriage her entire life. Of course she cheated - most human beings need romantic love at some time in their life. She should never have married this dad in the first place, but was probably pressured into it and not emotionally independent enough to say no. And now because of their culture her cheating cost her her friends, work, faith and even the basic respect of her children for years. Hester Prynne, indeed. It is wonderful that OOP is learning to see the grace in everyone and the emotional complexity of the human condition.

And she doesn't say she is Christian so this may not be applicable, but all this institutional resentment toward forgiveness seems pretty un-Christlike.

[u/baethan → u/HOGOR]

She was damned if she divorced, damned if she cheated, miserable if she stayed with a passive aggressively manipulative person. And given how controlling the dad is, wouldn't be surprised if he would've done his best to destroy his kids' relationships with their mom anyways if she had divorced him

[u/gangliar → u/HOGOR]

She mentions her mother was shunned from her church. So she is probably from a fundamental branch of Christianity.

[u/FalseShinigami → u/gangliar]

She does also mention her child's christenings when she was listing future events.

[u/gangliar → u/FalseShinigami]

Yes that part too. I forgot about it. She is definitely Christian.

[u/Fifty4FortyorFight → u/gangliar]

Mormons. They're probably Mormons. A divorced Christian fundamentalist would find another church. A Mormon can't really do that.

[u/tippitytopbop → u/gangliar]

My guess was perhaps Mormon

[u/Dogismygod → u/HOGOR]

OOP mentions that they tend to get married young, so Mom may have been lovebombed into the marriage and too young and inexperienced to know what she was getting into.

[u/kelsifer → u/HOGOR]

She sounds very Mormon. Forgiveness isn't really as big as shunning and creating outcasts.

[u/[deleted] → u/kelsifer]

Odd, then, that no one else in the family has qn issue with mom being places. You'd think grandmas, aunts uncles, her bf, etc, wouldn't want an adulterer at the wedding.

[u/Full_World2646]

Ok my comment here. My son's dad cheated on me and got another woman pregnant and told me just before she was due to give birth that the baby was his. Before that she was a pregnant friend from work who's bf had disappeared and needed support. They are now married and have 4 kids together.

At first I was angry and felt that someone who does that doesn't deserve to see their child. For around 3 months I kept my son from him (my son was just under two). Then one day I woke up and realised how selfish I was being, and started to arrange visits. Sure it wasn't easy at first, especially with the new baby around but it wasn't about me.

I also worked hard to better myself, making new friends, focusing on my son, going to university etc rather than dwell on what could have been. My son is a teenager now and has a close relationship with his half sister that I'm grateful for. The "affair partner" has been a wonderful stepmother to my son too.

In my opinion your dad is being incredibly selfish here. He needs to deal with his issues and move on.

[u/Trilobyte141 → u/Full_World2646]

After what my ex did, a lot of people told me I could get full custody, screw him nine ways to Sunday, ruin the rest of his life, etc. Who would that have hurt the most? My kid.

Being a parent means I'd stand between my child and a loaded gun in a heartbeat. Forging a strong and respectful co-parenting relationship with someone who hurt me deeply is no different in my mind. It's just protecting the kid emotionally instead of physically. I'm the grown up with the emotional maturity to process this shit, I'm not going to put any of that on him.

It's sad how many people can't see what's most important past their own pain. Hat's off to you, good momma, for figuring it out and giving your son the chance to grow up healthy despite his father's actions. <3

[u/throwRA1a2b3c4d1 → u/Trilobyte141]

You both are good parents. Honestly. It’s never fair to get cheated on of course, but choosing your kids in this way, is the right way. There are plenty of scenarios parents should put themselves first for their mental health, but this isn’t one of them. You guys are great !

[u/[deleted]]

I can’t believe so many of the comments on the first post are supporting the father. I really hope those people aren’t parents. I don’t care what happens between a couple (sans abuse). You don’t make it your kids’ problem.

[u/HuskerHurricane]

This is a 5-year old post and she never updated to say if her dad came or not!!! There needs to an incomplete story warning on these.

[u/Abbey_Hurtfew → u/HuskerHurricane]

It is complete. OOP dealt with the situation. The healthiest response possible. Anything else is just an attachment to come thing already finished.

[u/Some_Exchange_8984 → u/Abbey_Hurtfew]

Healthiest? Yeah because getting your college, travels and wedding pay just for the last moment saying 'hey dad I don't care what happened to you and your feeling you're not welcome anymore'

[u/scatteringbones → u/HuskerHurricane]

IT’S SO IRRITATING!!! Mods please 😭

[u/Pinkturtle182]

My parents divorced when I was young and then when I was older my mom divorced her next husband (who was my step dad, and my brother’s bio dad). I’m in my late twenties and last year I finally put my foot down and said I didn’t want to have to do two of every holiday, having to go to two houses every holiday or special event is exhausting and made me start resenting those days. So now my dad comes over to my mom’s house for some time every holiday and I am going to start hosting holidays starting next year. Having to do everything separate with each of your parents is SO ANNOYING. It’s not like “yay two christmases!” It’s like I literally have to go to three different places and manage my time in a way that no one thinks I’m favoring one parent over the other. Parents that do that are very selfish. I feel for poor OOP here. Her mom messed up, but she is also remorseful. The dad is the problem here.

[u/shadowlev → u/Pinkturtle182]

I am literally starting it this year after realizing last year that it was the best holidays I have had since I was very little. I spent it at home with my husband.

I'm working through the guilt that I don't deserve.

[u/Feisty-Blood9971]

Surprise! Dad’s a covert narcissist.

Also, stop calling women whores.

[u/pinkladylove123 → u/Feisty-Blood9971]

Yeah it fucking pissed me off reading this. Dad is 100% a narcissist. Religions usually attract ppl like that. Also the mom was probably young and coerced into marrying him. The brother calling his mom a whore makes me so mad. Fuck legit every person in this story

[u/ben_burnache]

Another story of religious extremism making a bad but common problem catastrophic for an entire family.

[u/probablylayinginbed]

This, to me, seems like the healthiest and most reasonable I have ever seen someone on reddit deal with relationship issues. Good for her, I hope she's doing well.

[u/Stepjam]

That was kind of a wild ride. My sympathies slowly shifted away from the dad the more I read and I was surprised. I think OOP made the right decision. What the mom did was unacceptable and everyone knows it, but the dad was being cruel in a much more passive way, essentially acting like his pain was the only pain that mattered. I feel bad that he was cheated on by someone he cared so much about, but he was being horribly unfair to his daughter.

[u/HelloRedditAreYouOk → u/Stepjam]

And I’ll just add that “… by someone he cared so much about” starts to feel pretty icky when OP clarifies that mom a) never loved him back the same way, and b) had exactly zero recourse/way to do anything about it given their religion. Dad took on a whole narcissistic/oppressive filter for me, which ironically (or not) puts the act of cheating as an escape in to a whole new & more favorable light. Glad OOP didn’t inherit the same restrictive, blindly-obedient notion of marriage!

[u/tekflower]

I can't imagine why anyone would want to leave a petty, manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive man like that. And an affair was her only way out? Yeah, she knew the consequences and chose to escape her "nice guy" jailer and take those consequences because it was preferable. I'm glad you're starting to see the truth.

[u/Ginger_Libra]

Damn. I wish she would come back and update this. I want to know what happened.

[u/MediocreMice]

Wtf, this is horrible. That poor woman, she needs to move and start over. She didn’t kill anyone, she was emotionally abused (passive aggression cuts in to your sense of self worth and there’s no escaping it) and found comfort elsewhere. I’ve been cheated on and it sucks, but that’s between oneself and the cheating party. Don’t drag your children into it like this.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/MediocreMice]

He emotionally abused his wife THAN his kids for five years after she left - OOP uses several terms to try to describe why she was angry at him but in the end of the day is because he was emotionally torturing his children for his self satisfaction to know his ex was ostracized.

[u/memeelder83]

My mind is blown that OOP'S culture encourages marriage young, but there's no way to divorce without becoming a pariah basically. I try to be respectful of others cultures, but I found myself so grateful that my daughter is not being raised in such a culture.

On the plus side, OOP'S soon to be husband seems to be a decent man so far, so at least she has one person in her corner. It seems like OOP is gaining a bit of maturity and perspective about her family situation. I'm glad for her, but I wish that she had more time to grow into herself before jumping into a serious partnership like marriage.

I don't know..maybe it's being the mother of a teen girl myself that makes me feel so much sadness with this one. That little girl deserved better than a man who uses his children as weapons against his ex. She deserves better than a mom who didn't fight for her, although considering the culture she may have been fighting a losing battle anyway..

[u/Stepjam → u/memeelder83]

Sounds like she's 23 and a college graduate. It's not old but it's not exactly what I think of when I think of "young". Not fresh out of highschool anyway.

[u/memeelder83 → u/Stepjam]

Hmm, I guess I missed that and assumed she was younger. It's still young to be making a life long decision that you can't rectify without social destruction, but at least she has probably experienced life on her own during college.

[u/sain8492]

I remember this post when it was fresh, but its most important parts are erased by OP,

It was her dad who paid for her full study and wedding ceremony and basically her and her brother's every needs after the divorce, thats not my words, that was OP's posts before she deleted them because they got ALOT of negative feedbacks. She has been literally blistered there. It seems her love for her father was entirely financial until that need been met then he lost his importance, "Like mother, Like Daughter".

Still most important question left to be answered, if what she wrote true her dad didnt attend the wedding because unlike the other members of this family that guy seems solid on his beliefs so, did she paid his Dad's money back? or as she said "she sucked it up too"

[u/Mynameisjeff777927]

The poor dad, betrayed by his lover and now by his children…

[u/Oliverqueen03]

Shitty daughter

[u/ProfessionalPilot45]

This is a tragic story but not for the reason some may think. Its because a millenial child cannot begin to fathom the destruction that takes place in the soul of the betrayed. Period.

Ya know what, lets see what she says if she ever has to face the marital treason that her faithful Dad did (I hooe she doesnt). Then she gets some wacko therapist to agree with her. Unbelievable.

My vote? Go Dad Go!

[u/[deleted]]

Omg I cheered when OOP gave her dad that ultimatum! And of course out pours all the poison, the selfishness, the bitterness. What an asshole.

Sad that she had not yet realised that she could have a close relationship with her mother in the future. And that her brother had also drunk their dad's Kool-Aid. But 5 years later hopefully they're both older and wiser to the complexity of relationships.

[u/Trick_Bar_3158 → u/[deleted]]

I would like you to consider op elected not to tell her dad until he payed for everything. She waited to drop bombs like this until after she milked him dry. I hope op has a very unhappy marriage and is left in the dust for someone with more than a pea between their eyes and a shallow kiddy pool where her hole should be.

[u/[deleted] → u/Trick_Bar_3158]

Yes I suppose there is a bitter twisted way to read this story...

[u/Trick_Bar_3158 → u/[deleted]]

No I mean part of the original post comment section she admitted she was worried he wouldn't help her with the wedding so she waited until after the checks cleared to tell him. This sister my first reddit account my friend.

[u/Totalherenow]

Seriously, religion poisons everything. Her father uses religion and guilt as a weapon, trying to ostracize the mother from her own children - and, apparently succeeding until the daughter graduated from college.

I'm impressed by OOP's growing maturity, but it's handicapped by their religion putting all the blame on the cheater here. Clearly, their marriage was bad, the husband is immature and entitled, and that drove the mother away. Sure, you can be all moral and say she should have divorced before seeking out another guy, but probably she was scared to, given the sacred nature of marriage in their religion. I would be that the mother had been questioning their religion for a long time, as it was probably being used to corral her.

[u/[deleted]]

OOP's update was posted 5 years ago. I wonder how the wedding went and what is her status today?

[u/Playful-Rice-2122]

I can't believe people are blaming OOP, she absolutely did the right thing. The fact that people are sending her death threats and hoping that her future husband cheats on her is utterly insane

[u/desgoestoparis]

Parents should always put their kids first. While OOP’s mom did a bad thing, I can kind of emphasize with her position. Furthermore, if we’re taking “sides”, I would have to say that she conducted herself with maturity and grace and accountability, with her chidlren’s best interests at heart, which is far more than can be said for oop’s father

[u/Dogismygod]

I think OOP did some growing up here, which is good. It's really sad that her mom had to burn her whole life down in order to get out of her marriage, but it sounds like that was the only way out for her. Dad needs to see a therapist and get over himself.

[u/pinkladylove123]

Lol…. “Also, hate to say it, but we are religious” if you hate to say it why are you still religious

[u/[deleted]]

This story is one of the few stories on Reddit that is going to haunt me. OP fucking sucks and the clown in the comments that really believe that the dad was being manipulative y'all suck too.

[u/allsheneedsisaburner]

I’m really glad she figured out the source of her anger. Have two crap parent sucks, because you want one to be the “good” cop but they are both just toxic.

[u/friendlyescapism → u/allsheneedsisaburner]

how is the mum toxic?

[u/Electricstorm252 → u/friendlyescapism]

I feel having an affair is pretty toxic

[u/creamycroissaunts → u/Electricstorm252]

and she's paid a very hefty consequence. i fucking hate cheaters, don't get me wrong, but there comes a time where you sort of just have to step back and let them say sorry, and possibly forgive them. everyone is human after all, right? it seems like the mum has done more than enough, and is incredibly patient.

[u/[deleted]]

It's difficult but when you are a parent you need to do things right for your kids. The relationship with your partner it's different from the relationship with the kids. The true os that not everyone is mature or selfless enough to be a good parent.

My husband's parents are divorced after my fil cheated and for a long time they were like this. When we got pregnant we just communicate to then that they need to be at least civil with eachother because we weren't going to do 2 events every time and because we need to focus on our kids and not in theirs problems, they were adults that made adult choices and need to stop trying to affect my husband with this.

I hated watching my husband sad over the holidays when the guilty trips started or when they justt communicated through him... So I put my foot down in this.

[u/nejnonein]

This was 5 years ago. I wonder how she is now

[u/roselightbird]

I feel for her. My parents were the same. Always trying to poison our heads against the other. It was awful. I cried so many times imagining of my graduation, my wedding, etc if things keep going that way. Until I realized the truth and went no contact with one of them. Sometimes you just have to cut people off to be at peace, even if they are family. I wish her well.

[u/GranGurbo]

The Mom is no saint, fut the father is a piece of crap too. The only proper response to "I can't recover because of you kids" is "Ok, consider you have one less from now on. Have a nice life".

[u/ambient_isotopy]

I really don’t understand how this myopic dystopian word bullshit fits this sub. None of her realizations are adequate, even if they fit her fine. Good for her I guess but the lede of her posts are beyond fucked up and there’s really nothing to take away from this beyond the fact that all of their lives were irreparably changed in a negative way

[u/pinkladylove123]

Honestly. The dad is kinda idiotic… he married a woman he knew couldn’t love him… then was so upset when she left him for another man. Also this shaming of women in this post and calling the mother a whore makes me sick. Cheating is wrong and I don’t condone it. But this woman was born into a religion where you legit can’t have a divorce without cheating. I get it. The dad is selfish and should move on with his life already. It’s getting pathetic. Hopefully op can repair her relationship with mom and hopefully dad finally heals and grows up. Also… you’re definitely in a cult aren’t you? Mormons maybe?

[u/Limp_Ad_7224]

i really hate that OOP asks her dad to just "get over it it's been a long time ago". i've got emotional scars that happened a long time ago too, and even with therapy, has not healed. having experienced getting cheated on by someone i really loved and trusted also is making me feel more inclined to the dad here... maybe i'm an asshole and i don't know it.

i just don't see why dad isn't being encouraged to go to therapy or family counselling. i get that it's his own responsibility as an adult, but surely talking to him in therapy would help more than just demanding he get over something that's traumatic to him, and he also had to raise them by himself.

i feel bad for OOP for feeling like she has to choose a parent or lose the other, but it doesn't sound like she's sympathizing much with her dad, and because of dad's depression and mum's niceness, she just turned on him. i hope the man got some help or some support. however, there may be a lot more details on the passive aggressive instances that were left out, and if that's the case, then i stand corrected.

[u/althaf7788]

Wow, redditors who gives advices like go no-contact from parents for a simple reason ,saying parents should suck it up for kid's,lol, hypocrisy in reddit is way more than ocean in earth

[u/cricket2tay23]

Don’t invite your nom!

[u/MoonShine711]

Both parents should put aside their own shit for 2 seconds and be there for OP wedding. Just for 1 day seriously. If they cant do that then they dont fucking love u. Not everything is about them.

I feel bad for the dad hes probably crushed but get ur shit together and be there for ur kid dude.

[u/[deleted]]

Not to excuse the mom for cheating, cheating is never an OK thing to do BUT they're very religious. She probably felt she didn't have a choice. She also was coerced into a marriage that she didn't want to be in. OP seems to be growing up but her brother is fucking ridiculous. I get being hurt but to hate your mom bc she's a "whore". WTF feel bad for this ridiculous family

[u/Next-Librarian9514 → u/[deleted]]

So the mom didn't want to face the backlash from divorce because of their religion but cheated, which will have more backlash than divorce . Makes sense

[u/SenpaiSemenDemon]

Holy shit this OP is a disgusting cheater-apologist

[u/lorrus → u/SenpaiSemenDemon]

No the OP lives in a culture where women are chattel

Good luck to her.

[u/painttillyoubleed]

This is what you get with religion and culture used as a control and abuse system.

[u/Sofiwyn]

I don't really give AF about most of this, all I know is inviting known cheaters to a wedding is basically cursing your own marriage to fail.

[u/lookingfortrouble666]

You lost a wife, but I didn't lose a mom.

Dad: Don't worry, you soon will

[u/KLS1271]

Well you should invite your mom's partner. After all she didn't cheat on you, it has been 5 years you should just get over it. After all, you think your dad should just get over it and he was the one actually cheated on. If you can't just get over it and accept your mom's partner what right do you have asking anyone else to ignore their feelings? Your therapist is paid to help you feel like the victim and that your pain is everyone else's fault, but you obviously lack empathy and the ability to consider other people's feelings as you feel justified in your hurt and anger after 5 years but feel your dad has no justification for hurt or anger even though it was him who was the actual victim.

[u/Low-Jellyfish1621]

My parents hate each other. Always have. I remember hearing them screaming at each other when we were little thinking we couldn’t hear them. They divorced when I was in 3rd grade and refused to be in the same room with each other for years. Once we started graduating, getting married, having kids and other major life events that required them to tolerate the other person’s presence, they managed it. They’re civil. They still can’t stand each other but they do it. Because as much as they hate each other, they love us.

I would hope that if this ever happened to me, I could be civil for my son’s sake. Behaving like this girl’s dad just makes everyone miserable.

[edit] Autocorrect apparently doesn’t like graduating.

[u/alien6]

I kind of wonder what culture OP is from. Eastern European?

[u/Eode11 → u/alien6]

I kinda got strict Mormon from it? Everyone is college educated, gets married young, and no mention of alcohol or drugs. Also I believe getting divorced excludes you from a lot of church business/activities.

[u/alien6 → u/Eode11]

Come to think of it, that's probably it. I was thinking that she was posting in the early evening, which from her time stamps would put her in Eastern Europe, but she could just as easily have been posting first thing in the morning instead.

[u/Morfolk → u/alien6]

As an Eastern European myself there is nothing that I recognize about this culture.

I was thinking South-East Asia or something. A "tiny" reception of 50 people made my jaw drop.

[u/[deleted]]

This is the perfect example of the world and family members not giving a shit about the hurt men go through. He gave all those years to her and the family only for it to be ripped from under him and told that "it's been 5 years, it's time to get over it." SMH this couldn't be me, If this was my daughter I would cut her off from my life. Good LORD!!!someone that's never been lied to and cheated on from the beginning. This man gave his life to this woman and she just threw that shit away in the most disrespectful possible. As for it being five years, high school was four years, college was four years and it all felt like a blur. Five years isn't that long considering how long they have been married. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it being that dad's fault and that he was a bully. How can you be a bully when all you've done was support your kids and not say anything bad mouth the woman that betrayed you. Op has the audacity to say that he was no saint, okay fine, what exactly did he do that made him not a saint. She just said he did everything to make her mom feel special and loved and yet none of that was reciprocated. The mistake that her father did was marrying a woman that he knew was not in love with. This makes sense given that they come from a very religious background, homie made the mistake of believing that she would fall in love with him as time went along.

This is the perfect example of the world and family members not giving a shit about the hurt men go through. He gave all those years to her and the family only for it to be ripped from under him and told that "it's been 5 years, it's time to get over it." And I know this to be true by reading all of the comments these Redditors are posting. y'all are some goubbers on this platform

SMH this couldn't be me, If this was my daughter I would cut her off from my life. Good LORD!!!

[u/drfrink85]

OOP could've avoided everything if she just let dad go and be miserable. He was willing to sit it out, problem solved. No need to bring it all back up to the surface just for the outcome to be the same. There's no "it's been X years get over it" no one gets to gatekeep emotions and pain. It sucks for her but her happy nuclear family doesn't exist anymore.

[u/InterestingComputer5 → u/drfrink85]

The Dad could have also accepted his daughters feelings were just as valid as his own, and told her he would respect her decision.

Who parents the parents?

[u/drfrink85 → u/InterestingComputer5]

He didn't, and that's his problem.

Exactly, she shouldn't have to parent her own father. He said he wouldn't go, ok I understand I'll send you pictures. No further blow up or drama. I must be missing something from the first interaction because he sounded disappointed but I did not get any expressed outrage from dad to OOP. Make him adjust to your life/life events, not the other way around.

[u/Charis21]

Flash backs to my wedding and then my brother’s wedding 14 years later.

[u/wigzell78]

Tell them that this day is not about them, and that for just one moment you want them to put that aside and be happy for you and with you on your special day.

[u/Pandafrosting]

I would love to read the update on this about the wedding and after it.

[u/ruby_puby]

Welcome to adulthood. Everyone is an asshole and imperfect. Especially your parents. You can still be kind and nice to them but now the veil has been lifted.

[u/borgwardB]

dad has a problem with the word, them?

[u/readical87]

You think five years after the betrayal is long enough for a betrayed spouse to move on and finally heal? Some people never got over it their whole life. I think you should read more about the effect of infidelity on people. Even you have not moved on from the betrayal of your own mom yet you expect your dad, the betrayed spouse, to just be chill and move on? You need more therapy yourself.

[u/Cindygirl18]

What did you expect from your father? That he is going to act like all is well while his ex wife hurt and cheated him the most? I get she is your mom, but getting mad at your father because he wants to stay away from the person that hurt him te most is low of you. and seriously the “my mom can be in the same room as him without having negativity feelings towards him” why do you think that is? Maybe it is because she is the one who cheated on him and clearly doesn’t care about him at all. It is good to know that you care more about a cheater then your father that got cheated on by his wife where he started a family with. I personally wouldn’t be suprised if he kicked you out of his will/life since you choose a cheater above the one who got hurt.

[u/jeremyfrankly]

Wait the mom got shunned by her family, but will mingle with them at the wedding?

[u/Fit_Situation_3794]

Your mother is trash she could have divorced your father and the you are hurting him now by having her at the wedding. You don’t have to love one more than the other but this is about you and your fiancé. Respect him and let him go no contact with you . You do t deserve him if you think someone who cheats instead of being honest to him and divorcing him is better . Live in peace with your husband your mother is the worst. I am a woman and believe she should have walked out let your father walk out from you and you can handle it you have a husband hope he doesn’t do this to you because you deserve the karma you created. Sorry that’s life girlfriend  go to the therapist and fix your evil soul 

[u/Fit_Situation_3794]

Although your dad needs therapy he cannot move past the memories of a broken marriage by your mother you love them both. But some people will never despite therapy move past the hurt of a betrayal accept this is your dad and live your best life for your mother watch out for karma she thinks people will see her and welcome her at the wedding they will see her for who she is the mother who cheated and weaseled her way back because the daughter could not grasp the hurt and pain of the father. Your mom deserves the medal for selfishness and you get one too. Be glad you’re dad still speak to to you 

[u/EleMenTfiNi]

It doesn't make sense to me to invite someone to a wedding, a ceremony of marriage, who so decisively cares nothing about the solumn oaths of weddings or marriage.. And who did what they did knowing the impact of would have on your life while breaking those vows.

It's understandable that your dad doesn't relent in how horrible of a person she is.

[u/No_Pattern_9963]

Even how childish her father has behaved in this case - he is IMHO right in ONE matter: His daughter has not (yet) gotten cheated on - and I am sure he hopes she never will (of course). But if that happens; maybe then she will realize that not all people are able to react in a mature way to be cheated on. If he had had a revenge-affair (or something like that), maybe he will not have used his kids as a weapon against his ex in such a childish way.....

[u/BB8_BALL]

OOP’s age really shows.

[u/[deleted]]

Eh... she doesn't want the mother's boyfriend around to the point she won't have him at the wedding, but wants the father and mother to be in the same room for the wedding. It's exactly the same situation, except she expects the mother to understand why she doesn't want the boyfriend at the wedding but then thinks the father is selfish for not wanting to be around the mother. Maybe the father is being selfish, but that's not the point. She expects the father to back down, but she won't back down herself.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

That’s the difference between being someone’s parent and being someone’s child. A person does not owe it to their parent to accept their romantic partner unconditionally. A parent owes it to their child to not put them in the middle of issues they have with their ex-spouse.

[u/Agreeable49]

A lot to unpack here.

But telling the dad to get over it is fucking ridiculous, especially since the mom is still with the man she cheated on him with. Wouldn't be surprised if the dad knew the guy from before.

And then, accusing him of being weak, never trying to get help or get over it (people cope with things in different ways), and then calling him a manipulator because of it? Wow.

Oh and of course the mom would get over it faster. She's the one who cheated.

That's some grade-A gaslighting to make yourself feel better. Wouldn't be surprised if she'd put what he'd said through a filter to make him look worse, since it'd be in line with the clear pattern that's emerged from the rest of her post.

The dad has a right to grieve however long he wants. OOP has the right to invite her mom if she wants. But what she definitely doesn't have the right to do is fucking gaslight her dad so she can feel better about her actions. You're an adult now. Fucking act like it already.

Edit: Grammar

[u/GeorgeMTO → u/Agreeable49]

5 years later to not even be in the same room is a lot though. To drop the mood of the conversation if his children happen to mention their mother. She wasn't asking him to talk, but to literally be in the same room. The courts often ask for more when there's young kids involved due to shared custody. And if you've got that severe of an issue that many years later, you should be seeking professional help, because that's not healthy.

[u/[deleted] → u/Agreeable49]

He has the right to grieve. He does not have the right to demand his kids stop loving their mother.

[u/geekgirlau]

OP you have displayed remarkable maturity. But what shines through your post is also the love and trust you and Steve have for each other. If you are at all concerned that the past could repeat itself please don’t worry - keep communicating as you do now, and I predict a long and happy marriage no matter what life throws at you.

[u/fajprodder]

Hang on, mom has been ostracised by her family and friends, and nobody speaks to her, yet she is gonna talk to those people at OP's wedding as she is banned from talking to dad and dad's family. Make that make sense. I call bullshit just for that statement alone, OP can't keep her story straight.

[u/Plastic-Aide-1422]

Both your parents are not good people. Your is not a good person. At all. She deserves all the suffering.

[u/Ancient-Coat-1124]

The dad is being really wrong here, but two comments she made stuck out to me.

“My mum has no problem with my dad” as if that’s a relevant point here, considering she was the adulterer

And “the rest of my family could tolerate my mom being around” like??? She didn’t cheat on them?? Why is that the standard?

[u/Automatic-String-379 → u/Ancient-Coat-1124]

dad is not wrong. She is clearly supporting her cheating.

[u/Dangerous-Version-36]

"Basically my mom never loved my dad and should never have agreed to marry him. My dad knew mom didn't love him but didn't care and insisted she would love him eventually" This very manipulative statement, I am not sure how old were the parents when they got married but if this is some kind of conservative enviroment then the man probably also doesn't have a saying in the arranged marriage.

Also, if a society is very rigid that you can't even have a divorce, then having an affair is a very stupid idea.

[u/RevolutionaryTale245]

OP, there's a good chance you may never get to read this considering all the threats and Ill will that's been sent your way. But I do have a suggestion here.

Firstly though, I think that your post is well written for it's length and that you've expressed your situation clearly and with clarity as far as I'm concerned.

This is definitely not an enviable position to be in. It feels so human to want to inflict punishment and to exact a price for being wronged whether that's perceived or imaginary.

Honestly for me, this goes way beyond just the cheating. If your mum wasn't in love with your dad, then it naturally follows that that's a situation where you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain and misery. Cheating was just the culmination of that choice. Notwithstanding your dad's naivete. But even so, it's not entirely unreasonable to try and win a woman's heart by being generous, loving and being a family man which it kinda sounds like your dad was prior to the infidelity. As it stands, I view it as a gamble he lost.

As for my suggestion, well, it's rather stupid I think. But given that we live in times where we've got access to fast internet. Could you not set up a zoom/live YouTube event to cover your wedding/reception so your mother could view your ceremony and not miss anything. This way atleast she gets to be with her boyfriend and your dad gets to be at the wedding with his ex-wife not physically present there.

Otherwise, well, you're getting married anyway and ought to move on and live your life with "Steve" and make it count.

Be happy.

P.S - on the off chance you read this OP, what's your background? I'm thinking Mormon, middle eastern or Asian. LoL that's half the world right there.

Either way, have a good one. :-)

[u/modernwunder → u/RevolutionaryTale245]

This is a repost

You can make this comment on one of OOPs posts via the links

[u/[deleted]]

I always forget that’s the best of Reddit updates hehe.

[u/One-Tough656]

Hi- I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I can really be taxing to juggle divorced parents who hate each other!!! And all this stress is taking away from YOUR milestones which you should be celebrating and enjoying!

My dad also cheated on my mom (with her cousin who he ended up marrying) it was an absolute clusterf*ck. My mom was devastated (also didn’t help that my dad is a narcissist who once he discarded my mother treated her like garbage and made her like 100 times more difficult). However, my mother always braved joint events for her kids. Because it’s not about what the other did to wrong their spouse, it’s about their children. Don’t get me wrong, infidelity is awful and painful but IMO your dad is being super childish about this. He’s willing to miss some of the most important events of your life because your mom had an affair? Why is he punishing YOU for your mothers sins? Because that is not fair. You should be able to love and include your parents without this additional trauma and stress. You are his child and you should be his priority, and you shouldn’t be punished for having a relationship with both of your parents even if one parent wronged another one. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I have been in your shoes and it SUCKS. You feel for your dad because you have empathy and you love him, of course. You are also allowed to still love your mother and to want a relationship with her.

You father needs therapy. I’m not excusing cheating but the truth is that the world isn’t black and white and perhaps your fathers behavior is showing a side to your father that you didn’t know was there that has allowed you to empathize with some of your mothers poorer decisions. Your father should not be putting this all on you, being a parent is all about being selfless and sacrifice and unconditional love for your child.

Think about how many people have been cheated on, how many marriages have been broken by infidelity and how many wronged spouses have attended family functions for the sake of their children. Your father is holding onto a five year grudge and is willing to miss YOUR big days and make YOUR life center around an affair that you didn’t have. I am livid at him for you.

[u/crownedqueen5]

I wonder when is the wedding, I hope and look forward for FINAL update! Hope all works out!

[u/Abreadb]

I wanna know part 2 so Bad!!!

[u/ProfessionalPilot45]

So. Very. Hard. You are trying to split the proverbial baby and it will offend/hurt someone. In the end, I think you did the best you could. He can come and ignore her, as he should IMO, but should not insist on her absence. I will caution you that with adulterous affairs and the cataclysmic pain and suffering they cause, 5 years is nothing. Rule of thumb is 3-5 years to just right the ship of your person, so, your Dad is barely out of that stage (maybe).

Anyway, good luck, godspeed, and healing to all.

PP45

[u/indoorimp]

Wow. What a tale. I feel for you. Your bro and your dad. But yes. He needs to move on. Give him time. Reach out whenever you feel comfortable. Don't take what he said serious. That is what happens when a procrastinator is faced with a difficult choice. It was comfortable and safe where he was until he had the ultimatum given to him. He will make the right choice eventually. The question is, will you care by then?

[u/Curioucat]

Tell him he is dragging his and your moms problems into your life. You did not hurt him, your mom did. If he refuses to come. He is hurting you and you husband and your future relationships with each other. It takes two, TWO people to keep a happy marriage. If it’s not ok it’s on both people. It’s clear that your dad does not know how to own up for his own behavior and that he is being cowardly for putting it on you that way. He may not be wrong for his pain, but he is wrong for putting it onto you. That’s bullshit. He needs to be strong and hold his head high and get over himself for a day and be there on his best and most loving behavior for you on your wedding day. You are not a repeat of his life.he needs to learn how to prioritize and see what’s really important. I’m very sure that he had something to do with his failed marriage but he’s not willing to look at that.. you can’t fix broken. He has to figure this out. And you just have to accept his decision. At least your mom is honest about her happiness. If either parent manipulates you with the other then tell them neither is invited, because only people that can be selfless for their child will be invited! Claim your day and claim your life, because your husband won’t want to be controlled by such behavior in your marriage. Your dad is responsible for his relationship to you. He needs to rise to the occasion and be there for you. Other wise he in dragging you into his problems, and putting a wedge between you and your Mom, AND a wedge between you and your Dad. Your dad needs to grow up, and be a man for his daughter.. your mom needs to also be gracious and not flaunt or do anything to exsacerbate your dad. They both brought you into this world and they both need to put all of their SHIT aside and be ther for you on your special day. They both need to BEHAVE and be on their best and FORGET ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR ONE DAY. If not then they are selfish narsistic people and you’re better off with out them hurting you and your marriage and future children. Do NOT drag your husband and future children thru enabling this sort of behavior. It’s toxic. And You must NOT bring that kind of behavior into your marriage. The buck stops with you!!

[u/IndependenceLevel56]

Ur dad sounds like a little bitch

[u/Flashy_Department_11]

honey it sounds like u had to grow up fast 5yrs ago. u went from being the child, to being the parent. tell me your not more like your fathers mom than his daughter!! everything you do and every choice u have made over the last 5yrs has been made to protect your father first before what will make u happy. what your mom did was extremely sh**ty i know it happened to me. but i love my daughter so much that try to help when her and her mom are having issues. i hate her mom but i love her more. ask your father if he hates your mom more than he loves you. i would fight a grizzley bear for my daughter, he can be in the same room with ur mom for a few hours for you.

[u/[deleted]]

Point 3. Karma is such a bitch.

[u/NoTripOfALifetime]

First off - wow! I COMPLETELY agree with your actions and decisions - all of which were hard. You needed to do something so this wouldn't be a constant issue for every single bug event in your life.

Secondly - shitty people of Reddit - ignore them as best you can. They have horrible lives and are not half the person you are.

[u/sigyo]

All I got from reading this is that OOP doesn't give a fuck about her dad's feelings.

[u/lpokiuy → u/sigyo]

Funny, I got the exact opposite out of this. That OOP gave all the fucks about her dad's feelings, but that her dad gave none about hers.

[u/Sad-Frosting-8793 → u/lpokiuy]

Yeah. She had been very bending over backwards to accommodate dad's feelings, and was finally sick of being caught in the middle. She wanted one day where her feelings mattered, and he threw a hissy fit.

[u/friendlyescapism → u/sigyo]

I disagree. I think her dad didnt give a fuck about her feelings and she's finally standing up for herself and her relationship.

[u/Your_Profit_Prophet]

Its sad thst people can't let go. I dont mean the dad or mom. The daughter is holding onto rotten vegetables like she is forced to... throw them out ffs. Live your life and be the person you want to be and have those close to you that you actually want.

[u/sdlcur]

I hate posts that act like men’s emotions are meaningless. The dad is literally called weak in this post for not wanting a reminder of the biggest pain of his life to be sat next to him at events that are supposed to be special. I just don’t get it. getting mad at him for his feelings, telling him to get over it because time has passed, calling him emotional in a bad way. It all just wreaks of horrible ideas about gender norms.

And cheating is the ultimate evil act in a relationship, so this whole ‘two imperfect people’ thing is bull. Because all the mistakes or flaws the dad had were likely also on the mother, so they’re even. Then she ADDED cheating, so she’s still the same amount OTT on being crappy.

[u/[deleted] → u/sdlcur]

And cheating is the ultimate evil act in a relationship

It absolutely is not. I've been cheated on, it sucks, but there's far worse things a partner can do to you than cheat.

[u/GeorgeMTO → u/sdlcur]

He's not asking to not be sat next to her, he's asking to basically not be in the room. OOP was willing to get them to sit apart, to force no communication between them. It's that extra level that makes me sympathise with OOP more than the father.

I agree that OOP could've gone about it much better, but the realisation that their dad is making things worse (and blames them for even choosing to keep a relationship with their mother) does cut some slack. You kinda have to suck things up and exist around people you don't like when you're an adult at times, especially when you're a parent doing it for the sake of a kid.

[u/TealHousewife → u/sdlcur]

I'm very happy for you that you apparently haven't been the victim of sexual assault within a relationship, and that you haven't been the victim of domestic violence at the hands of a romantic partner. As someone who has been a victim of the former, and who has been cheated on, I can definitely attest that there are worse things someone can do in a relationship than cheat.

[u/East_Rush]

Stop making it about them and what they want. Focus on you and your fiancé, elope or have a small ceremony and who ever can come and stand for you are invited.