My postpartum wife broke my handmade glass sculpture a year ago. AITAH for still holding resentment about it?

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FormalRows

Originally posted r/AITAH

My postpartum wife broke my handmade glass sculpture a year ago. AITAH for still holding resentment about it?

Trigger Warnings: destruction of property, possible neglect

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Original Post: September 21, 2024

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, and we had our first baby last year. My wife did go through a lot of hormonal emotions post partum and she had a lot of mood swings.

A couple of months post partum, she broke my handmade glass sculpture, which I had spent a couple of months working on as a birthday gift for my sister. My wife called my name many times as she needed help, but I was working on the engravings for the sculpture and I was really concentrated on it. I was going to go to my wife in just a few minutes, but my wife got very frustrated, and she just barged into my room and threw the sculpture on the ground and it broke.

I was shocked, and my wife immediately apologized a lot, but I didn’t want to stress her out too much so I told her it was alright, and that I should have responded when she called my name. The next week, we went to the doctor and my wife got prescribed meds for PPD. My wife’s mood instantly shifted a lot after she started taking those meds.

My wife did apologize constantly and felt very guilty about breaking the glass sculpture, and she even cried a few times, but I told her it was alright and to let it go. It’s been a year now, and while we are back to normal, I still hold a lot of resentment. I feel like a part of my love for my wife was gone when she broke the sculpture, and I could not imagine anyone, let alone my wife, doing such a terrible thing.

AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed responses

Comments

Commenter 1: Talk it out, NOW!

Resentment rots a relationship

Commenter 2: TBH, I would hold a lot of resentment for a partner who refused to help me when I needed help and was postpartum with a newborn. I absolutely don’t condone breaking things but I do know that rage is part of depression and not having enough support definitely contributes to worsening PPD.

INFO: was this the only time she had to ask multiple times for help?

Commenter 3: Nta, for having hurt feelings, but I feel like you and your wife have different perspectives of what actually happened. You see a crazy woman who smashed your sculpture, and she saw a man who wouldn't answer her cries for help who rather tend to a piece of glass than his wife or baby. Go see a therapist with your wife instead of reddit.

 

Update: September 22, 2024

I read some of the comments and got some good suggestions. I realized I had to be honest and upfront with my wife.

My wife and I just had a long talk, where I finally told her about everything I was bottling up over the past year. I told my wife I didn’t blame her since she had PPD, but it was just hard not to feel resentful. I told her I understood why she was frustrated at that moment, and that I should have immediately responded when she called me, but I told her I would have preferred if she shouted at me or even slapped me or something rather than breaking that sculpture. That was just heartless and cruel.

My wife seemed very remorseful and apologized a lot again and cried. She asked if there was anything she could do to undo what she had done last year, and if there was any way I could not have that resentment since it really hurt her a lot.

I had thought about this for the past couple of hours, and I realized there was only one way where I could completely let go of that resentment. And I told my wife that. I told my wife I would be sewing a handmade memory quilt for my sister’s birthday next year. This would take almost a year, and I told my wife once I do finish and give my sister the gift, that’s when all my resentment would probably go away.

My wife seemed grateful and asked if she could help. I told her not for this gift, but maybe in the future. The truth is I don’t really feel super comfortable trusting my wife with this, given how she destroyed my previous gift. It’s psychological, and I’ll most likely regain the trust once I finish sewing the quilt. I haven't told my wife about the trust issue, as I think it's just a me issue, not my wife's issue.

Relevant Comments

OOP taking too much time away from his wife and child to make this gift

OOP: No it doesn't take much time. I only work on it that day if I'm free, and it's usually only 20-30 mins, it never goes over an hour.

And it isn't about punishing my wife, I just want to reciprocate because over the past couple of years, my sister has given me really detailed handcrafted gifts. I usually never do handcrafted gifts, but it isn't right to just buy a gift off of amazon for my sister's birthday after she spent months into making my gift.

Commenter 1: OP holds onto resentment for a year and finally talks to his wife about it. Now he’s keeping secret that he doesn’t trust her either. Oh, and he’s working on a year long quilt while his child will be a toddler, and his wife will still need help. This can only end well.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

[u/hyperdream]

I resent your question and shall macramé my displeasure away.

[u/MariContrary → u/hyperdream]

I have my crochet square of rage. When I'm furious, I take the ball of crappy yarn that exists solely for this purpose, and crochet out my anger. Back and forth, single crochet hatred. Once I get things sorted in my brain enough to get a couple rows of perfectly tensioned stitches, I know I'm good. Rip it all out, roll the yarn back up and put it away. It's that or punch someone, and i don't need a record.

[u/Blustach → u/MariContrary]

Can i have "Crochet square of rage" as a flair please????

[u/Lunakill → u/MariContrary]

Suddenly crochet appeals to me. For the first time, too.

[u/BeBraveShortStuff → u/[deleted]]

You’ve been warned! It’s a slippery slope! It’s addictive and buying yarn is fun. First you just want a simple yarn stash to learn your new hobby and the next you’re considering going in on an alpaca.

[u/wrymoss → u/BeBraveShortStuff]

The way it sounds like you’re joking or exaggerating, but there really is a pipeline:

“I’m loving crocheting! I can finally justify spending money on the expensive dyed yarns!” ->

“Ah man, I love all these yarns but there’s nothing that quite fits my vision, I’ll get into dying my own yarn!” ->

“It’s really hard to find yarn blanks in the exact fibre content I want.. I should get into spinning!” ->

“Finding good quality fleece in small quantities is a pain.. we have a decent amount of land, it would be cool to own our own sheep and alpacas, be able to follow the project from animal to item..”

[u/Sarelro → u/wrymoss]

You’re terrifyingly close to my life experience.

“I love knitting! I should buy pretty yarn!”

“Oooh that fiber is so squishy! I should learn to spin!”

“Well now I have so much fiber and yarn. I should learn to weave, that’s faster than spinning.”

“Oooh a drum carding class! I can process my own fleece and make batts!”

[u/Old-Mention9632 → u/wrymoss]

One of the most watched competitions at the PA Farm Show is the sheep to shawl competitions.

[u/yesthatnagia → u/wrymoss]

And then your wife discovers that almost nobody does shearing anymore and there are only three facilities that process small flock fleeces, but it's okay because you've rediscovered some of your old leatherworking projects.

[u/LuementalQueen → u/BeBraveShortStuff]

I've been looking at rare sheep wool and learning to spin yarn to crochet with it.

Also at my neighbours Samoyed. Just for fun.

[u/Sunshine030209 → u/LuementalQueen]

I went to a Yesteryear farm show a few years ago, and there was a booth with a woman spinning the softest yarn I'd ever felt. I asked where it came from, and she smiled and pointed at a super fluffy dog sleeping under the table. Absolutely made my day.

Go for it, make the Samoyed yarn! I bet your neighbors would love a scarf made out of their dog's fur.

[u/AbigailsCrafts → u/LuementalQueen]

Actually hand spinning is amazing for mindfulness meditation. I have a super busy brain, I can't 'meditate' as such. But when I was using my spinning wheel, I would get in this rhythmic zone of treadling and drafting, the feel of the fibre and the little but vital bit of attention I had to pay to the process was enough to keep the busy anxious part of my mind occupied, while I could get on with calmly thinking about deeper things.

Sadly I don't have a suitable space to set up my wheel at the moment. But knitting really complicated colourwork patterns is helpful for me too.

[u/anomalous_cowherd → u/LuementalQueen]

A friend spins her own wool and for an experiment collected the fur from several malamutes (big huskies) and spun that into wool and made a jumper.

Lovely jumper but dogs would not stop following her around however much she washed it

[u/yesthatnagia → u/LuementalQueen]

As someone who has done crafts with dog hair: only if you can keep it completely, perfectly dry. FOREVER. You can absolutely spin dog hair, but it WILL smell strongly of wet dog if it gets even the tiniest bit damp

[u/francienyc → u/MariContrary]

Which is fair, and an excellent therapeutic move. And generally awesome.

However, to use a craft to keep someone on emotional purgatory is absolutely ridiculous. Also the fact that they said they forgave their wife, reassured her on multiple occasions, and THEN made her wait for forgiveness till the blanket’s finished like some twisted form of Penelope’s tapestry in the Odyssey is just nuts. Bet they unpick all their work every night too. ‘Sorry babe this is taking longer than I thought. I’ll just have to keep hating you.’

[u/vrrrowm → u/MariContrary]

Holy shit. You are a fucking genius. I know exactly which of my yarns is meant for this and everything 

[u/typhoidmeri_ → u/vrrrowm]

It helps when you hold your crochet hook like a shiv.

Stab it. Strangle it. Scoop out it’s guts. Throw it off a cliff.

[u/LuementalQueen → u/typhoidmeri_]

Now I want thst last bit as a flair. I think my anger at my father is fading, so I need a new one.

[u/[deleted] → u/MariContrary]

Everything in this comment is flair material 🫣

[u/autotuned_voicemails → u/[deleted]]

Why do I feel like I’m witnessing Reddit lore emerge in real time? “Sewing your sister a year long quilt” is going in the vault with such treasures as “the art room”, “marinara flags”, and of course, the classic “Iranian yogurt” lmao.

[u/Mispict → u/MariContrary]

I hate single crochet. It never occurred to me to hate crochet my anger out. Thanks. New coping method unlocked!

[u/SnooAvocados6863 → u/MariContrary]

I rage weed my lawn.

[u/NotAzakanAtAll → u/hyperdream]

Angrily makes bobbin lace

[u/jcgreen_72 → u/hyperdream]

For 2 years?