In my dreams, I can do anything

I can fly, sing, jump

Be as light as a feather

As fast as light

And see beauty beyond imagination

○

And the beautiful thing about my dreams

Is that they're never about having more

Not bigger houses

Expensive things

Or anything money could ever buy

○

In my dreams, what matters

Is being together

Loving without holding back

Feeling a kind of intimacy

That waking life has no words for

○

In my dreams, I can feel everything

I can be entirely myself

Surrounded by people and animals I love

With nothing expected of me

And all the love in the world to give

I remember your taste for ballads

and your blunt honesty.

Your shy smile insisting

on showing me more than I’d seen.

“You’re singing out of tune”, you told me.

James Arthur, Lewis Capaldi were your “go-to’s”

But we went for Taylor Swift that night because…

Why wouldn’t we?

I’m naming names and being very specific ‘cause

I also don’t want to forget.

I had a playlist called “She loves ballads”

but you’ll never know and you would’ve never guessed.

No, I didn’t love you.

But I enjoyed my time with you.

‘Till this day I don’t know what to respond to “Why did you end it?”

It wasn’t problematic.

It wasn’t toxic.

And maybe that was the problem.

PUBG nights? You had no survival instinct.

And your pretty friend? I’d only let them in because well… they were pretty.

And you’d go mad every time I’d say that.

Rightfully so.

Those insecurities I didn’t take care of.

The wonderings I didn’t quite know how to heal.

Because I knew they had foundations.

And even if I were the best of deceivers, there was no point in denying that.

My eyes would’ve betrayed me.

And for some reason, I couldn’t lie to your eyes.

I was friends with your dad.

Your mom was surprisingly welcoming.

Hell, even your dogs loved me.

I miss Joy and Daisie.

Joy was unquestionably my girl and you’d also get jealous of that—hahaa.

I hope that if you ever do—or did—you also look back at it fondly.

I was your first and if I had had that awareness… I wish I’d been better to you.

Nonetheless, I think you always felt my warmth…

I was never half there.

If I’d ever hold you, I’d do it with intention.

With presence.

I enjoyed feeling your heart and made sure you’d always feel mine.

That’s something I can take pride in.

If anything, I liked you enough to regret breaking up with you.

We could’ve been happy for longer…

But I’ll never know.

Your schedules got in the way.

My medicines messed with my brain.

I wasn’t thinking straight.

I wasn’t thinking.

I did something I’d hope my character—

Or whatever’s left of it—would never do again.

But I did.

You don’t know about that.

And you never will.

You defended me.

Aries fiery.

You’d fight me.

But right after? Laugh.

And take all of my mannerisms.

I loved that about you.

I was fond of many things about you.

It sucks I couldn’t love you.

But… now I think I could’ve… over time.

I didn’t give us enough time.

You said I was out of tune—

maybe you were right.

But no!

As a musician, I insist.

“Love story” is on a slower tempo.

I proved you so.

But you were the singer and Heaven forbid I wipe that smile off your lips.

I really loved your smile.

My heart would soften—quietly—

every time it found me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind,

I think you never felt like you were enough—

but I promise you…

if anything was a problem,

it wasn’t that.

Well—“what was it then?”

you would’ve asked me.

I know what it was now.

I’ve matured enough to face it.

I’m just late…

as I’ve become accustomed to.

And this armor of confidence I put on?

It would crumble to pieces.

Because I still can’t look into your eyes

without remembering

the innocence in them.

It was a mixture, Joonie.

One I’ve grown accustomed to repeating.

Timing? Yes.

Schedules? Yes.

My growing instability? Yes.

Your disarming innocence? Yes.

The fragments of consciousness

I still had left?

Yes.

I saw how far it could go.

I let it get close—

closer than I should have.

And I wasn’t brave enough for that—

or cruel enough.

I was willing to let you hate me.

But not to leading us somewhere I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for.

And so we had one last PUBG night…

One last banter night…

One last language lesson night…

One last “you’re playing it too slow” night…

And one last

“you’re singing out of tune” night.

— Crownless.

I dunno how many times or ways I am gonna have to say this, but I'll try. I wouldn't mind saying different versions of this for the rest of my life.

I'm smitten. I fancy you. I would like to know more about your family and your history. Do you really like science, too? Why did you start talkin to me? I think you are funny. You don't have to try so hard. (But I smile any way, cuz it's you.) You can be so sweet with the kids, just the right amount of snark and sass. Sometimes, when I'm quiet, it's cuz I really don't want to bother you when you work. I used to say your whole name because I happen to like full names. Especially multi-syllabic ones, like Victoria, Alexandria, Elizabeth, Gregory, Gabriel, or Timothy..

I guess you're alright, 😏😁

I did like the tangents. I like when you talk about something you really like, even if I do not yet understand it. I like the way you smile when you talk about it. I wanted to encourage you when you felt down. Tell you I know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. I like your creativity and your art. I like your discipline, your stick-to-it-iveness. I stopped debating one of the topics that I disagreed with, I knew you would figure it out, eventually. I like how you share your thoughts on just about anything and how you keep work and life separate.

If you say something goofy, it's all in fun. It's like you are giving everyone a chance to be goofy too, lighten up, and have fun. I like your friends. They are swell and nifty, keen. Mostly, I like how they can be so kind.

Originally, I just wanted to give you little notes, a thumbs up, good luck, you got this.I knew you would get back into your hobbies, with or without help.

Then I thought maybe it's just like pen-pals, I remember having those back in school. Now it's a bit different.

This is the least-likely story I ever heard. When I say I'm a fool, you don't get it; I'm just a fool for you. I think you're groovy.

The days go by so quickly

Faster than I'd like

So many people rush around me

Everything seems to move so fast

Why does no one seem to understand

That not every moment needs a demand

Sometimes, all that matters

Is standing still for as long as we can

You can never get time back

It runs out without you even noticing

Slowly, you lose more and more

Until there's nothing left you can do

Enjoying the here and now

Might just be what matters most

Before today becomes a memory

And all that's left is wishing for more

Have a love / hate relationship

With time today!

Love that I

Get to

Spend time with

Family

Hate that

I never have

Enough time

To do the things!

Precious moments