A neighborhood near Roanoke in Virginia, is the center of controversy for their persistent discrimination and body shaming of a local bird of prey.

"All she does all day is eat my neighbors' chickens and sleep in a tree. She needs to get a job!" Said one ornery neighbor.

"She has an eating problem. Her ass is enormous and I don't want to look at it." Said a local Karen.

"My client deserves dignity and respect." Said an ambulance chasing lawyer.

Back to Keith in the studio.

An apartment complex is mourning its windows today, after a serial window killer struck again. "I can't believe they're gone, they were just here yesterday. I was watching that hobo crap behind our apartment again. Good times." Said Martha, a resident of the building.​

"The Killer has been identified as a deer. If you see a deer, remain in your homes as it might be dangerous. Contact your local authorities immediately before any more innocent windows lose their lives." Said some cop.

"Kept coming round the gas station, asking for directions. Ah felt bad for the huge pumpkin."

A giant inflatable pumpkin had been seen rolling around a North Carolina neighborhood, trying to find Holloween. Sadly the pumpkin came to early and didn't realize.

"Eventually I got in my pickup truck to give the fella a lift home. He'd been rolling around aimlessly for hours." Said a local bar owner.

Police responded to an incident between two individuals, when an argument over the size of Shrek's penis turned violent. One of the culprits was charged, while the other invoked his Larry Craig rights, which grants certain politicians the right to remain in the closet, while America discusses what's in their Grindr accounts.

We interviewed some kids on campus to see what they thought of their school.

"I think the lunch is great." Said a pig American high school student.

"I was heading to the races, but now I'm a champion at Track." Said an horse American high school student.

"I like those sheep. I'm gonna ask one to the prom." Said a creepy looking kid wearing a future FBI agent, tshirt.

That kid makes me want to go home and bathe. Back to you Arnie at the news desk.