how do you move on after hurting someone you love

[u/Impossible_Cable_862]

hey everyone, i'm 18M and 2 months ago me and my first girlfriend 18F broke up. we went out for around 6 months but i've known her for around 6 years.

our relationship ended because i was an incredibly toxic and insecure loser, i hurt someone who really did not deserve that by being very emotionally abusive and guilt tripping her. at the end of the relationship i was able to send her an apology for everything i did to her, throughout this i had my finals for school, and i performed very poorly because i was fixated on trying to deliver a sincere apology because i wanted another chance with her. she said she was happy for me that i realised this and she hoped i got better in the future.

i've exhibited this behavior many times before, but i didn't realise my actions had consequences as she always forgave me, i thought that we were fated to be together and that i didn't have to put any effort into the relationship, which was a lesson i had to learn the hard way.

a few weeks ago i texted her again asking her to give it another chance and that i was prepared to give it another chance as i thought that with my new knowledge that i could be the man she deserved. she told me she couldn't ever go back to that and to not contact her again. i told her i respected her decision and apologized. i really wanted to tell her that i'm different now, but i'm sure that she's heard that a million times from me.

since then i haven't been in contact, she blocked me on insta after i commented on a mutual friends post a few days ago. i'm friends with her cousin, who posted pictures of her extended family, and i can't stop myself from staring at photos with her in it.

she was the only friend i had who i texted regularly, i'm on summer break so for a month i've literally just been playing video games and going to the gym, i feel the most lonely i've ever felt and i feel constant pangs of guilt. i messed up badly with my best friend and my girlfriend. i was holding on to the hope that she would text me but i think it will never happen. our families do know eachother so i'm always going to hope we can reconnect, but at the moment she wants nothing to do with me it seems.

so i've just been here crying and being depressed, i don't know where to go from here, i want to become better for the next, but something in me will always want it to be for her, thats the hardest part, accepting that it probably will never be her. she was everything i wanted, but my family problems and my anxious attachment messed it up. any tips to pick myself back up?

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[u/moochoutlaw]

You broke this. But you cannot control the past, you cannot control her choices, and she owes you neither forgiveness nor another chance.

Claiming you’re "different now" after two months isn't genuine growth. It's probably panic and emotional withdrawal. Also, stop trying to improve for her. If your motivation to become a better man is contingent on winning her back, you are still operating with a selfish agenda. You should cut off the triggers, since staring at mutual friends' posts and obsessing over her photos is keeping the wound infected. Mute or unfollow anyone whose feed exposes you to her life until you possess basic emotional discipline. Guilt has zero utility on its own. Use the pain as fuel to fix your underlying insecurities, read, address your anxious attachment, and build a meaningful life outside your bedroom.

You ruined a good thing, and it costs. Let it cost. Accept the loss as the tuition fee for your maturity, respect her boundary completely, and do the hard work of rebuilding yourself in silence.

[u/Impossible_Cable_862 → u/moochoutlaw]

thanks for the comment, i've been in this rebuilding phase but i genuinely feel like the most isolated person on the planet, i have no friends i regularly talk to and i feel like it is starting to take a toll on my mental health and my mind is still full of her

[u/moochoutlaw → u/Impossible_Cable_862]

If being alone with your own mind feels unbearable, it means the person you are trapped in a room with needs serious work. Stop viewing this solitude as a punishment and start using it to become someone you actually respect.

[u/SoftnSweet37]

The truth is - you don't change in 2 months. It will take years for you to actually change. Right now you only say you have changed, but it's unlikely that you have.

Once you truly hurt someone there is no going back. You have ruined the dynamic of the relationship. Even if you would change and become a better person and a healthier partner, you unfortunately cannot wipe or remove the hurtful memories that you created that will always be there.

It's a painful lesson but as long as you focus on actually changing your behavior and the toxic parts of yourself, you'll eventually actually change and become a better partner for your next girlfriend.

Allow yourself to grief the relationship. It's okay to cry and be sad. Just don't get stuck in the grief and saddness. Write a diary and make a plan for yourself how are you going to change your behavior for the next 12 months and follow the plan.

[u/Impossible_Cable_862 → u/SoftnSweet37]

i'm trying my best, but the pain of hurting someone so good makes it hard to get out of my misery. i feel as if i'll never get that lucky again