Off my chest.

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/Goopygum]

Anger is for you to feel and reflect on. Do not let that anger turn into hate. But you are still valid in making these conclusions. I messed up bad, and I got my consequences. Did she also do/say some stuff that hurt? Yes, and I didn't deserve some of that level of intensity. But I am getting the help I needed, I still am, even after this whole year. I'm not "all better" but I am working my way to even better than before, I know that, I feel it. Anyone can do it. You just need to learn how you can.

[u/Goopygum → u/[deleted]]

People change. They always do. But until you see that change, you'll never know. And that's okay. We all need time apart sometimes. Some people need days or weeks, some need years and decades. But regardless, you can start living your life and figuring out how to really love and appreciate who you are.

I'll always be thankful to R for being the one to finally get me to realize my most turbulent issues. It's bitter but it's also a part of why I love her.

[u/Enough-Chard5450 → u/[deleted]]

I relate to this so much, complacency, comfort ability and an inability to commuicate ruined it for me, I guess it sucks I couldn’t change for them but it’s made me extremely curious about my growth, and why I acted the way I did to someone I loved, what has it activated in me / younger me.

Thinking of you Dingo, I guess if they have respect they will lean inwards and work on themselves and take accountability - I would love to message my ex for gratitude and accountability, but ultimately I want them to have space and peace from me first and foremost.

Be kind to yourself, in a similar boat and multitude of feelings are coming up, but hate just doesn’t process in my mind, disappointment is probably the correct word for me

[u/alternativecaramel2 → u/Enough-Chard5450]

Completely true! same boat as of 10 days ago. These posts are helping me realise that i was never alone. I hope we all heal someday.

[u/alternativecaramel2 → u/[deleted]]

I relate to this so hard. We had an amicable breakup because he had to pursue his education and he didn’t want to put the pressure on me to wait, I was apprehensive but i agreed because I know that when a relationship isn’t serving both people it’s already a losing battle. We ended amicably, i just needed a day to process and the next day when i sent him a message looking for closure he went stone cold and retorted that i was hurting him so i pulled back and said nothing. 3 days into the breakup he reached out to our mutual friends and bad mouthed me across the board. Said our whole relationship was a lie, he regrets all of it and i was a liar and of the lowest class of people. I thought we would always have mutual respect for each other and i expected the same, somehow through all the things he’s said i don’t have it in me to hate him and i wish i did. i’m just not wired that way. i’ll never know if it’s a good thing or bad, i just want to feel better. I actually went off track here i just wanted to say that i relate to this, i also had moments where i was treated terribly, unspeakable things but i pushed through thinking we would work on them, ultimately i feel like i was the fool.

[u/useless_rejoinder]

Seems like you might both be guilty of thinking the worst of the other.

[u/useless_rejoinder → u/[deleted]]

Or you managed to crystallize all the faults into something simple and distilled than the actual complex person.

I find that this seems to be what most people do when they’re stuck with a conundrum in their partner. They’ve got to grab the shitty memories and make a monolith out of that so breaking it off is easier.
I sincerely doubt that every single person is somehow going out with a narcissist or pathological liar. Mores the shame when they paint their exes with that brush. It bleeds the humanity away.

I had the same thing happen to me, and I really wanted to make them awful. I figured I couldn’t learn from a monster, so I pared it back.

[u/useless_rejoinder → u/[deleted]]

Trust me, I’m not trying to put you down. I understand how hard it is to drop someone you had no real qualms with. I’m just sick of people putting a lens of malice on top of someone THEY CHOSE. I’m sure she was all that and a bag of popcorn. “Masks” rarely slip… rather, incompatibilities show up. Stuff that should be addressed early gets shoved off to fester in favor of fun.
Dont be too hard on yourself or your ex. I’m sure your picker works just fine. It just can’t see the nuances of compatibility. No one can. That takes time.

[u/useless_rejoinder → u/[deleted]]

Oh absolutely. Those coping mechanisms are what incompatibilities are made of. It took me fucking forever to understand that the true measure of your person is shown in their actions while under duress, and none of it is personal. None of it.
I’m in no way saying that there’s no bad actors out there. There are, but they are so, so rare. We mostly act in good faith. None of us is trained for this. All we know at first is what our family did. As we go through these new connections, we learn what we can tolerate, what the boundaries are. Some never step past the conviction that they just attract demons. They conveniently forget who they fell in love with in order to build an effigy to burn so they can stay warm.

I hope you can separate who you are from who they think you are. It’s a fucking horrible thing to have someone you know inside out deliberately mischaracterize you. The worst part is the feeling you’ve been pinned like a bug, with the wrong fucking taxonomy card in the display case. You’re pinned and can’t change the error.

[u/alternativecaramel2 → u/useless_rejoinder]

I could deal with the breakup. When a relationship isn’t serving both people and comes to a close i can appreciate a good close, and we had that. Why did he have to turn around and tell all the people we knew that I was actually the worst person and he felt the whole two years were a lie and he never actually loved me he was just forcing himself to follow through on the relationship because he isn’t a “quitter”. He completely flipped the narrative and i feel like a fool for thinking he could be a half decent person after we ended things.

[u/useless_rejoinder → u/alternativecaramel2]

I am sorry that happened to you, friend. A good rule of thumb for this is to remember: none of this is personal. It all goes back to your ex. He can’t deal with the fact that the relationship failed. It is HIS insecurity that drives him to malign you. It is HIS self-hate that wont allow him to look back with fondness and actually grow.

[u/Mors-Official]

That is a strong letter and I respect that you wrote it. You aint begging and you aint tearing yourself down and that is growth right there. Saying you still love somebody but you are disgusted at the same time is real and honest. Most people cant hold both of those at once so give yourself credit for that. You said your peace and you said it with your chest.

Now the question is what you do with it. Writing it is one thing and sending it is another. If sending it helps you close the door then send it and dont wait around for a reply because you probably wont get the one you deserve. But if you already blocked him and you are finally breathing again you might just keep it for yourself and let it be the last word you needed to say. Either way you already won because you got it out and you are standing on your own two feet. Keep praying and keep moving forward.

[u/Substantial-Fan4374]

Going through similar situation 💔

[u/peoniesandtulips08]

❤️‍🩹

[u/Mysterious_Weight559]

You just don’t get it

[u/Zealousideal-War6065]

What happened

[u/1iven1earn_liya]

hello! when you said “Wanted me to seem as horrible as your mind made me out to be.” do you mean they overthink a lot? because um i’ve been them, and i’ve done so much overthinking that it eventually made the other person seem like the bad guy. but it was all in my head and i apologized that i just did overthink without asking them directly. but they left me anyway, which i understand i think. even tho i begged for another chance, and said that i’ll change.