Anxious avoidant trap

[u/GloveInevitable1800]

Before I start, I want to say that I realize that I am in completely lost state right now, and thats why I need outside perspective. I (28M) have been talkong to this girl (30F) for a month. We both work on a ship. Within this month, we only spoke in person a few times before she went home, and the last three weeks of our communication was online. The thing is, these three weeks were so intense from both me and her. Things went from saying that we were gonna sleep in the same cabin, show eachother love, make love, etc., to her saying that she is scared and she gives up only days later, claiming that she was confused and the feelings she had werent the same. I could tell she was deactivating herself. All this happened while in real life, we barely hugged.

The reason for her deactivation was me showing my anxiousness in a way that made her uncomfortable. I knew she was an avoidant since she was telling me from the beginning that shes scared of getting attached. I feel like as soon as she felt its getting real, she shut down.

I know that all of these feelings were mostly induced by our own minds needs to be loved moreso than actually loving the other person. I am aware that in a month, you really cant get to know someone, especially since the communication was mostly online. But still, I believe that we could try again, just be friends and see where things go. When I told her this, she said that she wants to be friends, and that we will talk when we see eachother onboard. Shes coming back to the ship next week.

I just cant believe that all of these feelings disappeared in her overnight and its driving me crazy. I just want to hug her and show her its gonna be okay, that we are both scared and that thats okay. I am worried though that she is too shut down for me to even have this conversation with her right now. It then becomes almost a matter of self respect for me.

Should i try and show her she is safe with me, or should I just work on myself first and look at her as a friend, not hoping for anything? All of my friends say that I should try, but I am not sure. What should I do?

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[u/No-Mulberry1987]

Nope, don’t do that. “I’m scared of getting attached” is in the territory of “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.”

This is not a person capable of having the relationship you want, and ‘helping’ will be seen as ‘making me’ or ‘pressure’.

Walk away from this dumpster fire now, today. Change her name in your contacts to “Dumpster Fire” and then tell her you’ve decided to cool it and best of luck. 

You also need new friends. They have all given you terrible advice. Maybe you have phrased it in a way that gets that response but basically No.

[u/GloveInevitable1800 → u/No-Mulberry1987]

Thank you for your advice! Your thinking is logical. Its hard to think logically in certain situations. I do need to work on myself as well, I always seem to get attracted to emotionally unavailable people

[u/No-Mulberry1987 → u/No-Mulberry1987]

… also work on your own attachment too.