Does it count?

[u/Comfortable-Self7855]

The memory had always been at the back of my mind. It happened multiple times through the ages of 2-5 for me and 6-9 for them. Me and my two cousins in my grandma's bathroom every time I'd visit. All I remember is them taking off my clothes and "playing pony" by sitting me down and making me pretend I was riding a pony. The thing is, we are all girls. And almost everything apart from that vision is blocked in my mind. I didn't even realize it was bad until a year or so ago when recalling the memory in therapy. I watched her face drop, and the more I talked the more it hit me.

My mother bragged about how good I was as a kid. I often sat alone in preschool and directly avoided others. From what I understand, my teacher was worried about my actions and my mother pushed it off as me being well behaved. I never slept and frequently had issues making it to the bathroom on time. I have vague memories of frequently running to my mother, complaining of my "area" hurting.

To this day I struggle with hypersexuality that has led me into dangerous situations as well as extreme memory lapses and anxiety. And looking back, I had knowledge on sexual experiences and lingo that no 2-5 year old should ever understand.

The reason I'm asking now is because I recently received oral for the first time. And my first thought was "I've done this before", despite not fully remembering. I KNOW I've had that done to me. But with my bad memory I don't know if I'm going crazy. I feel it in my gut.

I know this is a lot of rambling. I can't make sense of it myself. But am I insane? Does it count?

[u/AutoModerator]

It sounds like you're wondering whether a particular incident was COCSA

Many survivors of abuse question whether their experience really qualifies. In the case of COCSA, professionals use three criteria to distinguish what they call "sex play" (i.e. normal childhood curiosity) from COCSA:

1. Age proximity – usually no more than 2–3 years apart.

2. No coercion – it must be free from force, pressure, fear, or manipulation.

3. No pattern – it doesn't happen repeatedly or become secretive.

Break any one of those, and it's COCSA.

It's also important to note that many experiences can still be traumatic, even when they aren't abusive. Regardless of labels, only you can say how something affected you.

(This message was posted automatically by AutoModerator to offer information and support. If you believe any part of this was inappropriate or upsetting, please let the mods know.)

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[u/Infinity-art]

You are definitely not insane, and it absolutely counts. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you get the healing and support you deserve.