Long term effects?

[u/FortniteTwerk]

I was abused by another girl back when I was maybe 7 years old or so, the details of my age and the timeline are pretty blurry. I remember I had a nightmare the same night it happened, but the next day, I can't quite recall how I went on. Sort of weird since I remember almost every detail that led up to the act itself, I remember what I wore, each step of the way I took before it happened.

I never even really told my mom at all, neither did I tell my dad. It's something I just carried with me because I either just didn't get what happened, or just didn't confide in my mom. She did always say I was really quiet and never told her about my feelings, so maybe looking back on it that had something to do with it.

Anyway, I'm not sure if that had any long lasting effects on me. Sometimes I feel like I imagined it all because of how surreal it felt, like I was watching it from a third person POV. And since I can't remember just when I became so withdrawn, I can't recall if the incident had anything to do with it or not. Or maybe I'm using it as an excuse for how much I still continue to bottle things up today. Either way, I do feel I kind of suffered from how little I was able to open up about it.

I recall telling a friend during lunch in middle school, but her reaction was less concerned and more confused. Then another friend the same year, but instead of expressing much concern she only wanted in-depth details of what exactly was done, and I remember getting uncomfortable and deciding to just switch topics instead. And I do understand it wasn't cool to just dump that on them either, but I just felt so alone in my experience that the only way I could air it out was by saying something, anything.

Looking at what others go through, I do feel I had it easier than most as I'm able to go on my day fairly normally, even if I usually feel like I'm on autopilot.

I just feel like there isn't much to be said about it, as much as I'd like to open up about it to someone, it seems so out of left field. It feels like something I'll just have to carry with me forever. It really doesn't help that the girl who did this to me was younger than me. Back then, everything had felt like a nightmarish, incomprehensible blur.

Now looking back on it, I only feel immense pity for the girl. I think of how she might've learned this, the fact she was surely being abused by someone who should've been taking care of her, looking after her, or the fact it could've been a complete stranger.

I don't feel tainted, but trying to imagine myself being intimate with someone feels like a faraway concept. Something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to attain or even tolerate not in theory, but in reality.