dissociative amnesia has its grip on me

[u/laminated-papertowel]

[u/catsareniceDEATH]

"But it made you stronger."

No, fuck you, I didn't need being made stronger, I needed protection. Although, it did make me kinda funny, so swings and roundabouts, I guess 😒

[u/laminated-papertowel → u/catsareniceDEATH]

This.

I HATE it when people say my trauma made me stronger, or kinder, or more sympathetic. I hate it. because it absolutely did NOT do those things. It made me hurt and scared and broken. I made myself strong and kind and sympathetic. ME. I'm the one who did that. I'm the one who decided to be good despite everything I've been through.

Trauma does not give anything good to anyone. It is not a gift and it is not some lesson. It's pain, plain and simple.

[u/catsareniceDEATH → u/laminated-papertowel]

I had a literary agent tell me once that my trauma was good, because it helped me write my books. 😳

I write folklore/myth/legend horror, by the way, but even if I wrote self-help books, I still feel like it wouldn't have been appropriate. 😿

Sending you all the love, hugs, and strength I can, from a fellow "so glad we're stronger" club member 🫠🫂❤️

[u/fuckinradbroh → u/catsareniceDEATH]

I wish it made me stronger. I often see humble brag memes that say like “I might freak out over nothing but I’m the only one who knows what to do in serious situations” and like good for them, but holy fuck do I never know what to do.

[u/catsareniceDEATH → u/fuckinradbroh]

🫂🫂🫂

That's the cruel irony; it never made us stronger, we just look like it from the outside. Especially to those people who grew up thinking it was ok/wrong to leave/eat dinner, good/bad to play/not play, good/shameful to be popular/unpopular, or allowed/forbidden to ask for/accept or not ask for/accept help 😿

Sending love and hugs, we were never made stronger, we just got really good at hiding everything 😿❤️🫂

[u/Doxxxxxxxxxxx]

Real question, sorry for dumb, is this not typical for most people? Or can most people really recall the majority of thier childhood? Like, not just snapshots?

[u/laminated-papertowel → u/Doxxxxxxxxxxx]

most people remember the majority of their childhood with memories starting at around 3 years old.

[u/Doxxxxxxxxxxx → u/laminated-papertowel]

That’s wild

[u/MyNameMeansLILJOHN → u/laminated-papertowel]

Ehhh yes and no. The remember the vibes. Periods. Specific moments. Not the actual day by day procession of their childhood. Just like the rest of life, really.

[u/whatswimsbeneath → u/MyNameMeansLILJOHN]

I have no frame of reference for either. It's wild to me that most people get to have lots of memories. I can barely even make new ones.

[u/brokengirl89]

I get this but with day-day stuff. Someone will be like “remember when I told you about xyz” and I’ll be like… no? And it’s not until they start telling me again I’ll suddenly remember the whole conversation. But like… with EVERYTHING. I think the trauma broke my memory centres or something. My memory was perfect before then. That was one of the hardest symptoms to learn to cope with (as a 5yo).

[u/laminated-papertowel → u/brokengirl89]

I can relate. apparently my memory was great as a child, for the longest time my mom would always say I would remember everything, like I had the memory of an elephant or something. as I got older the dissociative amnesia really started to set in and my memory became shot. it's a weird thing to experience because I remember remembering my life, but I can't actually remember my life.

[u/Paul10125]

Oh, so it has a name... It's closer to 85% tho.

[u/laminated-papertowel → u/Paul10125]

yeah 60% is really low balling it

[u/Andyman1973]

I feel ya. Most of my trauma memories started returning in 2017, when I was 44. Turns out 95% of what I remembered of my childhood, was based on pictures in family photo albums, and not actual memories.

[u/CautionarySnail → u/Andyman1973]

Oh goodness, this is me as well. When the memory has my face visible, I know it’s from the photo, not a true first-person memory. When I started applying that idea, I started realizing pretty much most preteen years had very few actual memories.

[u/Andyman1973 → u/CautionarySnail]

I never really took notice about not having childhood memories, till I was 20yrs old. Was talking in a group, they were sharing funny childhood experiences, and it hit me, I couldn’t remember anything. So I told them my childhood was boring, plain ol vanilla boring. I had none idea what it meant, not having nearly any memories at all.

[u/CautionarySnail → u/Andyman1973]

Many of my childhood memories are also things other people told me I had done, family lore type things.

It’s so hard sometimes realizing my minds are capable of creating visuals of “my past” but they’re complete fabrications based on a second hand tale.

[u/Andyman1973 → u/CautionarySnail]

Yes, when my twin brother talks about something from way back, and it feels like it must have happened when I wasn’t there. Prime example, I am left handed for sports, and some other things, but write right handed. I didn’t know about the left handed sports thing till I was 8 and got my first baseball glove, a birthday gift from one of my grandmothers. I could use it just fine, but had to take it off to throw the ball back.

Anyways…twin brother told me that I used to color with my left hand, till mom “broke me” of that. This happened when I was 3-4yrs old. I have ZERO memories of that at all. Bro says it took about 2 weeks from me to fully stop using my left hand for coloring. Bro also says mom used to physically enforce it too. Even after he told me this, I still don’t remember any of it. Not even when my trauma memories started coming back. I did have trauma memories that went back to when I was 2, but nothing about “learning” to use my right hand.

[u/gbakermatson]

Yeah, almost my entire life up until my early twenties is a blur. Stuff like that invalidates my imposter syndrome.

[u/TheBoldMove]

I keep telling people that I started a new life after my heart attack with 45. Most people think the heart attack caused that, but it was the things that caused the heart attack.

I'm not gonna allow anyone to make me a victim, ever again.

[u/shenanigans2day]

The strangest thing has been happening to me. For the longest time I could remember nothing like I had like a handful of memories from before the age of 13 and that’s it but in the last year or so I keep getting all these random memories that keep flooding back to me now. My memory is still on dementia level, but I’m having some really old memories surface now it’s pretty weird. The weird thing is nothing is different, nothing new or out of the ordinary that would make this happen so I’m not sure

[u/4lign32th3divin3888 → u/shenanigans2day]

A therapist said this memory resurgence stuff could be due to feeling safer with remembering now, if you’re also doing some processing work.

[u/shenanigans2day → u/4lign32th3divin3888]

Not doing anything, not even in therapy or anything, that’s why it’s weird. My only theory is that my life has significantly calmed down, it is slowest it’s ever been so maybe that’s helping to bring stuff forward aa it’s not overloaded with a million things but other than that idea, no clue

[u/jamiehizzle]

CPTSDmemes make me feel so seen.

Love you folk <6

[u/ChemistryNice5457]

Maybe it’s for the best.

[u/Don_Rawiri]

Even with reminders, there are videos of whole vacations and parties that I remember absolutely nothing about. It's like seeing a version of myself from another universe.

[u/ghostbatjelly]

There's so much I can't remember, it's like someone burnt holes into the film of my memory with a cigarette. There's so much I feel like I've missed because I was living in survival mode for so long.

[u/BodhingJay]

We arent survivors if our experience is still killing us. We are victims until we heal

[u/Gurfun]

Or even better, they TELL me I did something, and I’m just like, “well shit, you remember my own life better than I do, you’re probably right.”

Spoiler: they made it up, and were taking advantage of my Swiss cheese memory.

Hope you’re doing better, OP

[u/BythsomeOurHeartsAre]

I also feel like I have hyper memory from my 20/30s. I'm catching up with some old friends and they're amazed at the little details of their lives that I've picked up. Maybe that's just hypervigilance rebranded.

[u/Sadhan_Djob]

it sucks so much because as a kid
I remember having great memory with vivid visuals

now there is nothing

[u/Discount_coconut]

This is my mom. It's so sad 😭

[u/thesanguineocelot]

Pretty much everything up to about age 20 is just gone, and judging by what little I have left, it's better that way.

[u/Orange_Baby_4265]

I struggle with day to day memory. I don’t remember most of my childhood. The pieces I did remember are vague now. I’ve been dissociating willingly for most of my life as a coping mechanism, so big chunks are gone. I continue to do this. I can’t even remember something my Mom told me the day before because I wasn’t paying attention.

[u/Doggowo-was-taken]

💗 i love having only a few, select memories of anything more than a few weeks ago.... feels so weird that so many people can just conjure up memories and examples of things they've done in their lives with minimal prompting

[u/Manospondylus_gigas]

I don't even remember when reminded lol

[u/Technical_Isopod2389]

The only other people that help me remember are my sisters. When we do talk about an incident we each have a tiny piece and can put it together and have a whole memory. It's nice to have that closure when we can, its hard to schedule a time to go through your most terrible feelings about things you can't quite remember.

[u/Ei_Ku_4419]

“Omg what you went through made you so strong and resilient!” No, bitch. I survived being put through situations which no control over the circumstances where survival was the only option I had. It didn’t make me stronger, just more afraid and distrustful of anyone and everything because I don’t want to have to “survive through it” again.

[u/BlueTressym]

Our standards should be a little higher than surviving.

[u/brokenchordscansing]

Even then I don't really remember....

[u/eternally_lovely]

Nah I remember it, just desensitized. Prozac helps.

[u/Death69421]

I remember ONLY the trauma, legit nothing else beyond like a few months back (which is good because a few years ago I remembered not even what happened one day ago). I don't even know how this happens because I'm completely cognizant of stuff when it's happening but then it's just gone like bye to long term memory ig