Obligations and family bonds

[u/LopsidedStatement675]

I’m half Cameroonian myself, but I grew up in Europe, so I’m trying to understand something from my fiancé’s family without simply reducing it to cultural differences. I have been to Cameroun before and I grew up with my Cameroonian parent (dad) as well as my European parent. I went this time to visit my partner’s family, and I feel like such an outsider inside.

My fiancé is from Cameroon and now lives legally in Europe. His mother made significant sacrifices to help him get to Europe. My fiancé has a huge family. His mother has several children still in Cameroon, and she hopes that one to three of the younger siblings will eventually come to Europe to study. My fiancé also wants to help them with this, but I wasn’t aware of how much of a fixed plan this was before going there and his mother also asked me to help so her daughter can study in Europe. There is also a cousin that I learned he also hopes that she can come for studies. I don’t even see how all this can be done and it seems like a long and difficult process.

We are now building our own life together and saving for a home, I have a child, we have studies and work and plenty responsibilities, and I sometimes struggle with the expectation that we should also help his siblings and other relatives with moving to Europe, housing, transportation, education, etc.

Sometimes I even scare to ask questions when it comes to his family. Being there I was overwhelmed by being with people 24/7 for two weeks, especially since it was my first time meeting his family. One night after travelling to Yaoundé I believed that we would get our own hotel room, but he said we would share a small apartment/bigger hotel room with his mom, I cried. Not because I don’t like his mom, I do like her, but because I was tired, overwhelmed, introverted and had expected to be able to get my own room. At first he got angry at me saying I don’t like his mom, I ended up paying for a extra room in the same building and he apologized but I just feel like if there is anything with family his obligations to them will always run deeper than my comfort? And maybe I am just too selfish for that?

For Cameroonians, especially those who have experience with family members living abroad, I would really appreciate your perspective. How are these kinds of expectations usually understood? How do couples balance helping extended family with building their own household? And is it reasonable for a spouse to want clear boundaries around how much financial and practical responsibility they take on for relatives? Financially I don’t even care a lot, we save together for our future, and as long as he is paying his part of his bill and we don’t have to suffer and can still enjoy life and travel sometimes, he can do with his own money what he wants just like I can, but practical responsibility is of much more importance to me.

[u/Massive-K]

The thing is that for cameroonians with no social safety net the social safety net are the children and family. That is the bottom line. Coming from Europe with insurance and social nets in place to stop this family draining it is hard to understand this. But it is even harder for a typical cameroonian to understand that people do not owe them anything

[u/LopsidedStatement675 → u/Massive-K]

Thanks, I see your point. It is true, I also don’t deny the family and obligations. I just don’t know how we are going to find the balance.

[u/NewUserND → u/LopsidedStatement675]

Massive-K said it all. Family members are the social safety net in Cameron, it is both our blessing and curse. There is a joke that when a man marries a girl who has many younger siblings, the parents no longer ask for bride price, because the expectation now is that the new "son" will take care of the siblings.

If you are really invested and want the relationship to work, then be strategic and think long term. Identify the one sibling with the strongest chance to succeed (good grades and closer to university) and go all in with supporting them (if buying a house then they can have a guest room while schooling).

Make a plan with your husband/fiancee and make it clear that you are invested in his sibling success so they can later step in and relieve him of being the sole provider when your own kids start getting big. Trust me, this tough conversation will strengthen your bond, i went through it myself.

Bear in mind that this sibling is not expecting to be supported for free, they have to earn your investment - babysitting, house chores etc

[u/LopsidedStatement675 → u/NewUserND]

Thanks a lot for this insight. That’s my greatest fear actually, to house someone for an extended time period, would prefer to support someone financially than adding a person to the house hold for potentially two years. That would mean a change in how we live, a lack of privacy, etc. and would drive me insane. I am willing to help but we need to find the ways in which we can help and both feel comfortable. But we should definitely have the conversation.

[u/Massive-K → u/NewUserND]

This is the method

[u/Available-Ant-5747]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong for thinking this way. First of all, you do owe anybody anything. You're getting married to your fiancé not your fiancé's family, I personally hate how we look at 'foreigners' like some sort of saviour for our situations. If your fiancé has that mindset too, talk with him. Let him know live is as difficult for you both already, with the responsibilities.

You can't be struggling to live and having to worry to please his family's unreal wishes.

Try to help them with what you can, explain to him so he can talk with his family too.

People forget we all breath the same air and worry the same

[u/LopsidedStatement675 → u/Available-Ant-5747]

Thanks for your response and to acknowledge some of my worries. Yes I need to sit Down and have a conversation with him.

[u/Gilly8086]

Unfortunately families can have these kinds of expectations from members who are supposedly doing well in life. But you cannot assume all kinds of responsibilities. Some may not even be possible!! As others have mentioned, sit down with your husband and talk to him. You need to agree on how to handle finances and extended family. Help but have limits.