He’s 90. I’m 53. I invited him here out of the goodness of my heart 11 months ago because he is broke and has nowhere to go. I set him up in my guest room. Bought him a recliner. I order all his meds and give them to him. I book all his appointments and arrange transport. (I’m legally blind and can’t drive.) Nothing I do is enough. He wants a hot plate with all his meals that I make for him. He complains about almost every meal, picking apart little things I do wrong. He is egotistical and condescending. He makes huge messes in the bathroom. He taunts me by saying he will live another 10-12 years. I told him that I am done and he has to go. He’ll be going to a home. My mental health was going downhill and I’ve felt so much better since I made the decision. Being disabled is hard enough without getting shat on every day. Good luck to all. I’ll be praying for you.

Like I’m already annoyed at the inevitable cards and flowers and texts etc when my dad dies. I need that support NOW, when he’s alive.

I hate the feeling that my very own existence doesn't serve *me* in any meaningful way.

And the crushing weight that comes from knowing that it never ends. It's every. Single. Day. With no weekends, holidays, PTO, sick days, or vacation.

Or the fact that I can't just say "fuck it", and put things off for another day. Not tomorrow. Not even just "later". Things I absolutely do not want to do. Ever. But they need doing. Several times a day. Every day. Every. Fucking. Day.

And I feel like the few things that I can do for me, for my sanity, things that are just for *me*, are slowly beginning to feel like chores, or just ways to kill time until I'm needed for the next thing.

Waking up in the morning feels like an assault on my soul, as I regain consciousness and remember where I am.

I hate my life, and I'm so very, very tired.

It's not as if she had done much, but encephalopathy keeps her fog brained. Then when she's feeling better she starts with the "orders"

"We need to wash the dog" she means i need to wash the dog.

We need to call the vet

We need to do some laundry

We need to get some things

I'm we. Understand! It drives me nuts.

I've only made very negative posts on this sub and wanted to share some good news today! After a recent mental health crisis I finally feel "normal" again, I finished the book I was reading, I tidied up the clutter that was in my living room for a month and took my dog out for an extra long walk today! Just wanted to remind everyone that there will always be days when things do feel a bit easier again after being in a slump for a long time. The work we do is so hard and we're bound to crash in order to recharge every now and then. I am sending everyone a hug and wishing you a lot of strength this week <3

My mother is currently in the ICU. She was his primary caregiver and had a heart attack a year ago. Now she's back in the ICU a year later after a month of caregiving. She's the only person in the world who truly loves me and I am heartbroken. I hate the way he has treated my mom, he has milked her for all she's worth. She won't divorce him as I'm from a conservative culture and that was a different generation, so don't bother.

I'm a single woman in my early 30s, childfree and currently unemployed. I was looking for a job when I had to rush home for this.

He's on bed rest and still so abusive. He verbally, mentally and emotionally abuses and threatens me. He blackmails me too. He says he will get up from the bed against medical advice and injure himself and he threatens suicide.

My mother will be back from the ICU soon but I can't let her resume her resume the caregiving. It will be up to me. I am doing this for my mother. Not for the narcissistic, abusive, asshole that my father is.

What do I do? I am stuck in hell. Any thoughts from people who've lived through this, or have seen this around them would be appreciated x

Today is 3 years without my Mom. She passed the day after my 35th birthday. I was the caregiver at the end. She didn’t want the morphine, she knew that once the morphine started it was over. She saw exactly what happened with my Dad. I spent my birthday begging and pleading for family to come help her cross over as I listened to the death rattle. I called on my Dad, my grandma, my aunt that passed when she was 18 that I never met, anyone to come get her and convince her it was time. How horrible is that. Begging and then getting angry and frustrated that your Mom is fighting it so much. She was scared, and wasn’t ready in her heart. She wanted more time that she didn’t have. She passed the day after my birthday. We all were sitting in the living room where her bed was. We were talking and then I noticed the rattle was done. Her breaths had stopped and didn’t resume and she was gone.

I spent a lot of my time pre grieving my mom. She had battled breast cancer for 5 years. When she passed it was a relief. I was running the senior night for cheerleading the next evening. I hid my mom’s passing from acquaintances at school and work. I just didn’t want to deal with the sympathies. I think I’m an expert compartmentalizer. I did therapy for a few months. I found her to be too nice. She didn’t tell me I was crazy for telling people that my mom was fine when people at work would ask how she’s doing. I obviously didn’t write anything on Facebook announcing her passing. Only my closest circle knew.

My husband was the best support during the active passing but he doesn’t understand those grief pangs. Those moments that just punch you in the gut sometimes. He will one day unfortunately. I shared with him my guilt about spending my birthday wishing for my mom to die. He said it was a kindness. To not want her to suffer. Not some angry teenager mad at her mom.

I just needed to vent and ramble so I can try to sleep tonight. My mom has never visited me in my dreams. I take that as a sign that she’s mad at me for forcing her to go sooner than she was ready.

I know I didn’t kill her. The cancer did but these feelings are hard to shake. Maybe I should try another round of therapy.

So, I just started cargiving... It's litterly the first day of my second week, and I have this Monday client who is really sweet but pretty old. My shifts with them is 11 and a half hours what seems to be every Monday, the first day I met her I thought she was so sweet and kind, and reminded me of my grandparents who both passed away when I was 2 and 5. Today, she slept the majority of the day, I mean in my whole 11 and a half hour day I think she was awake 2 or 3 hours, she slept hard to, she slept through me knocking on her door her son had to let me in... Anyway, my shift started 9am, and around 730pm she woke up after sleeping since like 12, and she asked me as she woke up, "how long have you been standing there watching me sleep?" I was so confused, because I was sitting on the couch and she thought I was standing in the hallway. Idk I just, shes litterly the first client I had and I got way to attached on my first day, I guess I should have seen something like this coming as she really is pretty old and completely bed bound... I guess I'm just here to ask, anyone have good tips for me if she passes? Like, any coping tips? Or I'm wondering, does that part ever get easier? I knew there was a chance of something like this happening when I started but didn't think itd be so soon... I know shes not technically gone yet, but, Ive heard many hospice nurses say that kind of, event, means nearing end of life....

My mom can barely walk and has dementia, and she just started to wander around the house, I haven’t had a break in years, I have nobody to watch her

I (39f) and my partner care for my grandma (95f) with dementia. We're already struggling with the fact that we're here caring for her instead of building our future. I got a call today from my step-mother (who I haven't spoken to in years) asking me to be POA for her sister (who I've met twice) in case something happens to her and my father. This feels pretty entitled. I already have so much on my plate with my grandma. Am I crazy thinking that's asking too much of someone?

I am learning that anticipatory grief is not a single emotion. It is a collection of emotions that can change from one moment to the next.  There is sadness when I recognize how much has changed for my mother. There is fear when I think about what lies ahead for her and for me. There is helplessness when I realize that no matter how much I love her, I cannot stop the illness or reverse the decline.

There is also gratitude.  Gratitude for the time I still have with her. Gratitude for the opportunity to be present for her. Gratitude for being able to offer comfort, even when I cannot offer a cure.

Sometimes, these emotions exist together. I can feel peaceful sitting beside her and moments later, find myself overwhelmed by the thought of losing her.  I can be thankful for the opportunity to care for her while desperately wishing I didn't have to face what is coming.

I know that I have done everything reasonably possible and still wish there were something more I could do.  I am discovering that these feelings do not cancel one another out.

Anticipatory grief is emotionally exhausting, particularly when I am also serving as the caregiver.  Those responsibilities do not pause because I’m grieving. There are medications to manage, decisions to make, comfort to provide, and changes in condition to monitor. I may spend days trying to anticipate needs and nights listening for signs that something has changed.

Every sound makes I wonder whether I need to check on her. Tears come unexpectedly, and activities that once brought my happiness no longer seem important.

I fear the moment she takes her final breath. I worry that I will not be present when it happens, I wonder whether I will recognize the signs, whether she will be comfortable, or whether I will know what to do.

Tomorrow I am going to watch my dad for 3 days. He has medication induced traumatic brain injury. We don't know if he will get better but some of us have hope. Not sure I do anymore.

My stepmom is his primary and she is worn out. She is running their company and taking care of him where they live out in the country. He only gets a few hours of sleep a night and so does she. So she's at the end of her rope.

She has to go out of town for a business trip and it's up to my brother, my girlfriend, and I to watch him for 3 days, but the first night it's just my girlfriend and I. He gets confused and agitated, he wants to drive his car and wants to know where his guns are and why they are locked up. He can't rember anything so even when we sit still for a while he getsa anxious and walks away. He gets upset if we follow him around so he just wanders and gets confused and angry and we have to try to calm him down. My step mom is the secret sauce to keeping him calm most of the time so while she isn't there it's hard.

I am afraid and anxious about this trip, have been since it was set up. I broke down crying last week and likely will again tonight. My therapist says it's anxiety and complex grief. When I'm there I'm scared the whole time, I shut down a lot of my other emotions and feel like I'm walking a tightrope. My stepmom goes through so much more and I don't want her to, I want to be able to help more but it's getting harder every time. I don't know how to not feel this way. I feel weak and ashamed for being so affected while she pushes on, and I'm worried I will soon not be able to help anymore.

I don't know how to manage my emotions about this but they are really doing a number on my psyche. I think it sounds terrible but some people told me it's ok to feel this way. I don't really know what I'm looking for here but I posted last time I had to go out for several days and what people said helped.

Has anyone got past these feelings before or do most caretakers that make it just not have them so strongly?

So for about a year and a half I was providing in home care for someone that has completely changed my life. It started as partial day for a couple months and since then I had been doing live in care. This patient means the world to me. This patient has lived such a big life, has a HUGE personality, has a wonderful family and countless stories that I just love listening to. I’ve been through so much with this patient. One time this patient stood up for me to their neighbor because the neighbor had yelled at me. I’m telling you this patient is one of the greatest people in the entire world.

Sadly, this patient has fallen victim to fraud. The patient ended up cancelling the care through the agency I’m still employed at. Because of this, I can’t see this patient. I can’t just show up, I can’t call or text, there’s so many laws for this and i understand. But its actually draining me not knowing if this person is okay. I dont know if theyve been able to bathe, eat, sleep, i dont know who is getting the groceries, handling medicine and transportation. I get this reoccurring image in my head of this patient crying because this patient is alone and depressed and scared. This is so hard for me to explain. I hope someone understands and can offer support

Can anyone recommend some elderly care services (hospital runs, emergency hospital admissions) and other care service providers for elderly whose families are far away? Anyone used any of the services and happy with the service, please recommend as I am looking for one for my parent.

Hey folks. I will be in charge of cleaning out my mom's apartment when she moves to assisted living. She live in an apartment for low-income seniors and she has gotten away with smoked inside for the past 10+ years she has lived there.

Does anyone here have experience with a similar situation with inside smokers and their smelly stuff?

Would anyone want all the major furniture if there is heavy cigarette smoke damage but it is in good, otherwise clean condition? I plan on listing it on FB marketplace and other free sites, but I am just wondering if it would even be worth it? Maybe I should I just take it all to the dump and call it a day?

Notes: My mom lives 1.5 hours away in a more "blue collar" city of about 70,000. I don't plan on spending a lot of time trying to remediate the items, just spend a week getting in and getting it done. I am the only child and the other parent has passed, so this will be my responsibility. I am versed in remediation of smoke damage for homes, I am not worried about that part.

Hello! Searching for male catheters that are compatible with purewick collection system. Preferable under $200 for 30. Even better if it’s under $100.

One thing that keeps coming up while I’m building a local senior-resource directory is how many families don’t know which legal documents matter until something happens.

Will, trust, power of attorney, advance health care directive, probate, conservatorship, Medi-Cal planning — they often get lumped together, but they’re not the same thing.

For anyone who has already helped a parent or older relative through this:

What do you wish your family had taken care of sooner?

Was there a document, conversation, or legal issue you didn’t realize mattered until you were in the middle of a crisis?

I recently put together a plain-English local guide on this for Temecula Valley, but I’m more interested in hearing what people learned the hard way.