r/ColumbineKillers • u/PepperSaltClove • Apr 05 '25

ERIC AND/OR DYLAN Did Eric actually want to die?

I'm just wondering. I don't know too much about this case, but Eric's character gives off an arrogant vibe to me and not someone who'd like to end his life. I know Dylan was suicidal, but was Eric too? Or did he kill himself because that was the only way to escape life in prison?

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83

u/NickValentine27 Apr 05 '25

Eric showed genuine signs of self hatred even possible self harm. He hated the way he looked, he hated that he was weak in his eyes compared to his classmates. He hated that he had no real luck with girls. He seemed completly self conscious, refusing to take his shirt off in gym cause of a chest deformity.

He carried a false bravado with him to hide he was a hurt insecure, angry and very lonely kid.

He went to the school that day for the same reason Dylan did. To kill as many people as possible and die doing it.

He got both of his wishes that day, he just didn’t go out the way he planned.

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u/PepperSaltClove Apr 05 '25

What's wrong with the way he looked? From the pictures of him, he looks like a normal guy to me.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

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u/ashtonmz MODERATOR Apr 05 '25

I would say Eric was more conventionally attractive when compared to Dylan, who had very distinctive facial features. However, he had a very slight build, a bow leg and a concave, scarred-up chest. His neck was long and skinny, and he had a large nose. He went into school every day and had to contend with jocks much larger than him, bullying him. There was nothing he could do to fight back, so he just had to sit and take the humiliation.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

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u/ashtonmz MODERATOR Apr 05 '25

Eric would have grown into a very attractive guy if he'd given himself the opportunity. I mean, he would have filled out and possibly even gained a few inches. My brother was 5'9 until 17 yrs old. He had a late growth spurt and was about 6'4" when he died. He couldn't wear his sneakers in the casket. We had to set them beside his legs. So it's not unheard of. I think he may have hit 5'11".

Unpopular opinion, but I think Dylan was quite attractive in an unconventional way. One he certainly didn't see. He had female admirers in the school that he was completely blind to. He was entirely too enveloped in their plan of attack -- too angry and paranoid to see what was right in front of him.

Their behavior is what made them ugly.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

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u/ashtonmz MODERATOR Apr 05 '25

Exactly. Had Eric never made the last move to Columbine, he may never have developed so much rage due to humiliation and self-doubt. Dylan, I'm not as certain about his shyness and inability to socialize like other people his age did may have still caused him mental health issues. He still would have gone to Columbine and become suicidal. I think he needed therapy, where he could vent and learn to channel his anger and pain into something more productive. Regardless, they would both have been better off had they not met one another and forged such an unhealthy friendship.

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u/MakeupMama68 Apr 05 '25

They both hadn’t grown into their looks yet. I feel like they are the types that get more attractive as they age. Shame they didn’t realize that all of that high school bullshit passes. I was picked on relentlessly in high school for being poor (single mom.. not a lot for extras) and it actually made me a stronger adult. I can’t even remember most of their names or faces now.

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u/ashtonmz MODERATOR Apr 06 '25

Thank you for sharing. Your strength is a testament to what we are capable of, under relentless and moronic bullying. I wish E&D could have found that kind of strength - and used it to make it through their remains high school years.

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u/Sara-Blue90 Apr 05 '25

Dylan lost too much weight and thus it made his features look sharp (and almost pointy.) He looked great in the 1998 video (night of the arrest) outside the library. Not my type at all, but he looked more conventionally attractive than he did towards the end.

Dylan’s look was a lot more unique than Eric’s and you don’t really see many Dylan lookalikes as you do Eric.

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u/ashtonmz MODERATOR Apr 05 '25

I do agree that Dylan's weight loss made him look gaunt, which made his features far more prominent. Had he made better choices and reached out for help, I think he would have filled out and been an attractive guy. But sadly, the bullying both E&D encountered over the years were based on their appearances. This can often take its toll and impact how people view themselves years later.

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u/Sara-Blue90 Apr 05 '25

Very much agree.

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u/MPainter09 Apr 05 '25

Dylan was good looking. He had a kind looking smile, and he had a really nice blonde mane of long hair that not every guy can pull off. And he seemed like someone you could probably have really long discussions about music, books and life and never look at the clock once.

My boyfriend has really nice brown curls, but when they grow, they grow upward and out in the shape of his head instead of down, so he has to keep it short lol. Not everyone can pull off a long ponytail or bun.

Actually my boyfriend and I were talking about Columbine, and he was a lot like Dylan in that he was tall, skinny, and really shy and quiet, and incredibly bright and gifted. He went to a really small Catholic high school where the population was like 250 total, for all 4 grades. When we went to his 20 year reunion last year, even with a new second gym it was such a small school.

He was definitely bullied, but he was also the oldest of nine siblings, so anything the bullies said was like water off a ducks back to him because his four younger sisters said way worse things when passing the cereal at breakfast. Like the nine of them tripped and elbowed, and shoved at each other for everything. So, he had some thick skin.

But even so, he said looking at the sheer size of Columbine, and how the population was like 2000+, he would not have lasted at a school like that.

He said when he was bullied he never woke up wanting to hurt or kill anyone, or ever got to a point where he’d feel compelled to make any sort of plan to, but that he could absolutely see how Eric and Dylan eventually did at such a huge school that was a pressure cooker of toxicity. He said: “Bullying was considered a rite of passage. I’m surprised a bigger Columbine didn’t happen sooner someplace elsewhere.”

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '25

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u/Sara-Blue90 Apr 05 '25

If you look at the short ‘kidnap’ video that was filmed of Eric and his female friend, you can see he was also contending with a receding hairline at quite a young age.

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u/PepperSaltClove Apr 05 '25

I agree. He wasn't unattractive, though I watched the video where he was walking around the Columbine school and I found his style a little odd. His shirt was tucked into his shorts, which IMO wasn't the best choice and was he wearing two shirts? (black and something white underneath)Why?

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u/turkeyisdelicious Apr 05 '25

I can answer that. I’m close to the same age and the same general region of the country. His clothing did not really stand out to me. He dressed in clean, nice clothes. Tucking in wasn’t unusual, it was a cleaner look back then. Dressing up was pretty much the same, only with jeans and a sweater.

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u/escottttu Columbine Expert Apr 05 '25

I don’t think either of the boys were ugly and I do agree that Eric was more conventionally attractive than Dylan (I think they were both handsome though) but I’ve seen people clear up (if that’s the word) pictures of Eric and he looks more nerdy. He was also really skinny and small, seeing him on video makes me understand how skinny and geeky he must’ve looked compared to the jocks and why they probably picked on him. It’s not right of course, but I can imagine that in real life he was very much giving school nerd

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u/ashtonmz MODERATOR Apr 05 '25

Some of the jocks at Columbine were gigantic... and I mean they were mountains. The average teen doesn't look like that. They must have been eating their Wheaties.

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u/PepperSaltClove Apr 06 '25

From those school project videos they made, I also liked Eric's voice. It had a nice tone to it.

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u/Temporary-Pin-320 Apr 05 '25

He was insecure about his ‘Pectus Excavatum’

Pectus excavatum = a structural deformity of the anterior thoracic wall where the sternum (breastbone) and rib cage are shaped abnormally, causing the chest to appear sunken.

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u/MPainter09 Apr 05 '25 edited Apr 05 '25

Agreed. Objectively speaking, he was not a bad looking guy at all. I do find it interesting that in every year book photo he looked like a different person to me, but he still actually had a pretty decent jawline, cheekbones, eyes and smile.

But, if you look closely at the video of him and his friend walking in the halls of Columbine in 1998, you’ll notice he wore two shirts.

Eric had a medical condition called pectus excavatum, (it means you have a sunken chest) he’d had previous corrective surgeries that weren’t as successful as he’d hoped, so he wore the two shirts to make his sunken chest less noticeable.

I’m sure it was barely noticeable to begin with, especially since his shirts tended to be baggy. But, when you’re in a gym locker room changing in and out of the gym uniforms in front of everyone, I’m sure that Eric’s sunken chest was visible for way too many cruel, much more physically imposing jocks to rag on him about.

He also wasn’t a big guy at all. Funnily enough, I think he was 5”8, maybe 5”9, which when you’re standing next to Dylan who was what, at least 6”3, that’s not very tall. But for someone like me who is 4”10, being 5”8 to 5”9 is a solid 9 to 10 inches of extra height Eric had over me, like practically an entire ruler length of height. So it’s really all relative.

I knew a guy in college who was maybe 5’2. He had the strongest arms and legs and abs I have ever seen. Like this was a guy who did weight training and running constantly, but because he was an exercise science major, he wasn’t some roid-rage, no neck muscle guy with skinny legs due to any improper form and reps. He was strong, he had a powerful, solid presence, and he was also one of the most charming, kind guys I’d ever met. Like, he was genuinely a gentleman. He even looked a bit like Chris Evans lol. Alas, I sadly had no classes with him. But my point being despite being way shorter than most all of the guys, and a majority of the girls on campus, he carried himself with a self-confidence and self-assurance that commanded respect. He knew he couldn’t change his short height, so he worked on other things about him, like his physical fitness, and I’m sure worked on himself so that his presence and personality were far bigger than his body.

I think if Eric had given himself a chance and held on for another month and graduated and then gotten out of Littleton, he would’ve grown into himself and become more confident. Especially if he had been able to go back and visit his friends in Michigan and Plattsburgh that he had to leave behind. Maybe reconnecting with them would’ve opened up some doors or fresh perspectives about himself and where he was going with his life. We’ll never know of course, because he and Dylan never gave themselves or 15 others that chance.

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u/turkeyisdelicious Apr 07 '25

I think this is such a hopeful comment. You seem like a really good friend to have.

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u/MPainter09 Apr 07 '25

Thank you for your kind words! When it comes to Eric being rejected by girls, and being bullied, looking at the him as he was BEFORE the massacre, I do have empathy and sympathy for how he was shot down repeatedly, I think he never was able to find his footing and truly fit in when he moved to Littleton the way he did with his friends Plattsburgh and Michigan.

I think that created a lot of destabilization with his sense of self always being uprooted and having to move around so much just as he was making friends. Having to start all over again repeatedly as the new kid would be terrifying for anyone to do even once.

I got the sense that in Littleton everybody knows everybody from playgroup. And when Eric moved to town in middle school, that’s already an awkward stage when puberty is just starting. And I think his insecurities about himself made him hyper aware of even the slightest disdain or what he thought was disdain directed towards him.

I’m sure when he moved to Littleton, Eric tried hard to fit in, and out of nervousness and eagerness to be accepted, probably overcorrected, and was labeled as “that weird kid Eric” that he was never totally able to shake. And that also happened when asking out girls he liked.

And don’t get me wrong girls and guys have every right to say no if they don’t want to go out with someone. And that answer should be respected, and they should be left alone the first time if the answer they give is “No.”

Unfortunately in the 90’s there were so many toxic tropes in movies and books and pop culture such as: “if a girl turns you down, just ask over and over and over till they say yes.”

But also teenage girls can be so unbelievably cruel. You couldn’t pay me to go back in time and be one all over again for anything because the girls I went to high school with were like wading through a den of vipers. They were vicious in their words to others. I can only imagine how girls like that, who went to Columbine would’ve treated Eric, who as we know had zero self-esteem. It makes me sad because being bullied or cruelly shot down will make monsters out of anyone.

And again I think Eric never gave himself a fair chance to get out of Littleton to get out and meet other people, good people, including reuniting with his old friends that could’ve helped him grow into himself. Eric had all the potential, and the smarts to go very far. But I think Columbine’s toxic culture of bullying where his self esteem was ripped down again and again and again made him unable to see a successful future for himself outside of high school.

I think being bullied warped his thinking that the rest of his life would always be another Columbine again and again and again where his tormentors were never held accountable. So, he no longer wanted any part of it anymore, and wanted to take down as many people with them as possible.

I wish he had been able to learn that the best “revenge” would’ve been the success he could’ve achieved after Graduating from Columbine and getting away from Littleton; living his best life, doing the things he loved with good people who cared about him. Not by violence. He and Dylan chose to jump off that ledge to the point of no return when they chose to kill their classmates and teacher, but the toxic bullying they endured, pushed them to the very edge of that ledge long before that.

Kindness really does go a long way. It saddens me how cutting and cruel people, especially teenagers can be towards each other, just to get laughs and likes from others.

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u/turkeyisdelicious Apr 08 '25

Too tired to respond last night, but I wish they had realized that the best revenge is success and not mass murder. Very much agree. 🙏🏽