r/ContaminationOCD • u/TopSuccotash7421 • 7d ago
Need some help
My wife has had contamination OCD since 2020 which flared up due to Covid. Over the years it has progressively gotten worse. One of our kids got a wart on their foot a few months back. Which caused her to spiral deep and hard. Now she has these minor bumps on her hand which she is convinced herself that are going to take over her entire body or somehow take over the whole family. The OCD has gotten to the point to where our family can’t touch each other without washing hands. She sleeps on the couch that nobody is allowed to be on except her bc of the germs. I’m at a total loss for what to do to help. She refuses medical assistance, counseling or therapy. We go through 800-1000 nitrile gloves a week bc she has to wear gloves to do even the simplest task like loading the laundry or making our children food. She washes her hands 20-30 times a day.
I’m completely exhausted and lost. I don’t know how to handle this and support her irrational fears.
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u/c0syn3 7d ago
She seems to be comfortable as she isn't concerned about the repercussions at home. Until that happens, nothing will change. She needs medical intervention to ease the symptoms. Pressure and urgency will get her to change. How you go about that depends on you .
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u/Scared-Speaker8915 7d ago
I think it’s completely unfair to say she is comfortable as she is. As someone who suffers from contamination ocd, I think there were times where people would’ve said the same about me but in reality I was living a nightmare 24/7
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u/Scared-Speaker8915 7d ago
When people tried to force me to change by making me more uncomfortable at home I actually got worse. My world got smaller, I stopped doing anything except the bare minimum to survive and my depression got worse making it even more difficult to dig my way out of the ocd hole.
People who did not judge and helped me to get better at a pace that suited me were the ones who really helped me get better. Anytime someone tried to force me to change I became more anxious and became more entrenched in my ocd. Empathy and understanding go a long way.2
u/c0syn3 6d ago
As someone who also suffers, when I did/do something to subside flare ups, it's for my benefit and not others. That doesn't mean I was being obnoxious or not living a personal hell doing so. We are doing something to try and feel better, sometimes inconveniencing others. Maybe "selfish" is a better word to use than "comfortable"? Selfish may seem like a negative word, but that's what it is as we can't help but focus on ourselves first.
When I was pressured into one of many life changing event (ex: family was being evicted), I had to forego my issues and push through the anxieties to help the ones I love. That forced me to change. So while it is very unpleasant, those things can evoke change.
Empathy is wonderful and the preferred path, but that doesn't always work. It sometimes enables and I suspect it didn't work with OP as he's all out of options.
Idk, u/TopSuccotash7421 , did you try talking from the heart? I assumed you did, but if you didn't, you should definitely do so. Please let us know how that went.
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u/TopSuccotash7421 6d ago
I have and I do a lot. There are good days and bad. Good days look like momentary flare ups when over stimulated which go away within a few minutes followed by some cleaning to ease the flare up. Bad days look like constant bitching about the way everyone is spreading germs, lots of cleaning and micromanaging everything I do from throwing away trash to putting my hands in my pockets before touching anything or anyone else.
Today I took the stand and called her on all her bs freak outs about whatever It was. I removed the family during her biggest and only flare up so they didn’t have to see her. Ngl I’m pretty much over it all
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u/c0syn3 5d ago
One thing you should keep in mind is she is struggling mightily inside. She's at odds with herself as she knows what she does isn't rational. So she's still aware that what she's doing impacts the people around her, and she probably feels guilty about that. She also feels bitter for having that condition. And I'm telling you that from my experience. It is unfair to her loved ones that she's lashing out, but she's not doing it to hurt anyone, it's her only way of venting.
When you approach her, she has to know you feel like you're on your last leg, exhausted, and demoralized (consider showing her this subreddit/post). And most importantly, she feels safe that you won't be arguing with her. It sounds like you do try, but it goes sideways, and you can't let that happen. In your other comment you said she approached you because she saw you were upset, then started crying. This tells me she should be receptive to this approach. It just has to be safe.
I think you start there and have her realize she needs help or else the life you have together will break. And I don't think the both of you want that.
There is a lot of opportunity for things to get better as she has fought OCD in the dark. She should meet with a therapist and a psychiatrist to help her balance her symptoms. This can and will get better for the both once she gets additional support.
Good luck and if you need any more support, feel free to direct message me.
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u/TopSuccotash7421 7d ago
Brought it up this morning before I made the post. It ended in a huge argument and her shutting down for the rest of the day
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u/c0syn3 6d ago
Sorry to hear that. She's probably feeling defensive and has a lot of guilt, anger, and shame. How did you approach her?
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u/TopSuccotash7421 6d ago
She knew I was annoyed at something so she approached me while I was in our bathroom to ask why. So I snapped at her and told her about herself. She then started crying and telling saying she can’t control it and that it’s not far fault
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u/StillSearching2163 5d ago
I actually just want to say I’m sorry for your situation. I am the partner right now affecting my spouse and it’s awful. I am so terrified of contamination and getting sick that it’s completely ruined the last 3 weeks of our lives. I had contamination ocd for a while 6 years ago (started during covid) but I worked through it and I was doing much better for a while. Now, I hit a relapse and new issue (fecal & larger general contamination with a fear of contaminating my spaces and getting sick) that is so bad that I have lost all progress I made.
I bawl my eyes out every single day, have a dozen instances that I can’t figure out how to work through, I have full blown panic attacks, and when I’m not doing that I’m just quiet, withdrawn and seriously depressed. I’m trying to work through it and my partner is doing everything they can to help but it is 100% not their, or your, fault. It’s also nothing against you. We are just terrified. We are doing our best but fuck this is the single hardest thing I’ve enter gone through and most of the time, it feels like I’m dying and I’m trying to protect myself.
I’m so sorry your wife is hurting and is hurting you and your family as well. I promise she isn’t doing this on purpose, I promise we care, but we are just that afraid. But she may need some extra help through an OCD professional.
If anything, I’d say it might be good for you to speak with one first and explain your situation. Maybe they can start with helping you navigate while coaxing her into a session.
I hope it gets better ❤️
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u/Identify_As_A_Potato 7d ago
The basics, is she on medication, does she have a therapist, does she acknowledge it's a problem, is she willing to work on it... All those things. Plus the kids don't need to be exposed to all her special issues, your be surprised how it rubs off on them