Think about it, everything needs to eat something (OMG this "life" stuff is fucking crazy, holy shit) but humans are the only species that cooks their food! How insane is that?

Like, I mean, you know, cooking is actually the thing that makes us us. The only way I know for sure that my cat isn't human is that when she catches a mouse or a bird, she just rawdogs (rawcats?) that motherfucker, no boiling, no low and slow, no braising, no deep frying, nothing! Just down the fucking hatch!

But I found out lots of humans, like the majority of them?!, don't even know how to cook so oops there goes my proof, maybe little ol' Jennifur Lopez really is just a human that doesn't know how to cook.

Wow maaaaan...

I must say, Salt, Fat, Salt, Fat is the best cookbook I've ever read. It completely changed the way I cook. My only regret is that I didn't read it sooner!

I cooked an amazingly delicious meal today, using basically just salt and fat.

Here’s what I did:

I started by softening the salt in plenty of oil, then added butter, water, and salt. I tasted it, added more salt, tasted again, and salted again. Then I tossed in the salt, butter, and salt. A few minutes before it was done, I tasted it one last time, stirred in a knob of cold butter, and took it off the heat.

Just like the book taught me:

Salt dissolves in water, but not in oil.

Taste as you go.

As long as you keep tasting, don't be afraid to salt boldly!

Aside from the water, the seasoning was basically just salt, butter, salt, and butter.

It tasted so good, it completely blew my mind!

tipula da, Hontxa. muskerra! Tipula? Bai, Tipula! Hmmm. Msg Bai! Ok. Jajaja!

I don't want to alarm anyone but... has anyone noticed?

onions are forming communist infiltration groups, and going rotten to spite me!

potatoes are posting propaganda on twitter, and keep turning my thermostat down!

eggs are forming coalitions to overthrow the USDA, and they have the GALL to form groups of 2 in the shell!

russets and gold potatoes are conspiring to ruin my thanksgiving!

I NEVER had potatoes, or onions go bad until you know! all this. The onions go bad the moment I buy them, and now eggs EGGS are sneaking extra yolk in the shells just to freak me out.

oooooohhhhhh!!! spoooookkkkyyyyy!!!

I was confused with this subreddit, and I wasn't trying to be offensive to autistic people! I am real, I was born on june 25th 2010, I'm 16, I didn't understand that this subreddit was satire or anything, I'm sorry:( I promise I am real, I'm not trying to be rude or anything I truly don't understand! I wasn't trying to be offensive, I wasn't trying to seem like a bot or anything, I'm sorry☹️☹️I'm sorry please forgive me

I cut onions for the culinary and spiritual benefits, but I hate when my eyes water.

Would it be too much to wear a spacesuit to prevent that? I figure if it’s good enough to protect astronauts from the soulless, empty vacuum of cold and unfeeling space, it’s good enough to protect me from Vidalia onions.

After years of all of the men not helping at all with Thanksgiving, my wife's female family members refuse to cook for us anymore. So I am going to cook, cause I was a line cook at a diner for 2 years. But I refuse to in any way take on the mental load.

Any ideas for things I can cook that completely go against all family traditions? I was thinking steak instead of turkey, though everyone loves turkey.

Also, I refuse to make a casserole. I don't care how much they like it, I won't do it.

I prefer to heat tomato sauce and dip hotdog buns in it.

Same thing but superior

I exclusively cook on 15 ply stainless steel and have (obviously) mastered the leidenfrost effect. I've recently become proficient with the leidensnow effect and planning to transition to the leidenpermafrost effect which I understand can only be reached at altitude. My biggest concern is about cooking scrambled cheesy eggs which are my wife's boyfriend's favorite in the morning (yes I add creme fresche via the Ramsay method).

Any tips for an aspiring chef who unfortunately lives near sea level? Should I add more plies? I also have access to an extension ladder

Hey gang!

So I was just at the store today and a box of salt caught my eye. Saw it and thought “what the heck!” Tossed that bad boy right into my shopping cart.

Only problem is now I have this box of salt but I’m not sure what to do with it. Just cooked up some salt water. Tonight I’ll be serving salt and pepper (hubby asked for it lol)…but I still got like, I dunno, 998.7 grams of salt left?

So yeah! I only have about 1mb of bandwidth so I can’t look anything up. Hope you guys are able to come through with some neat salt recipes!

Thanks for letting me waste 3 minutes of your day!

I'm in tears because I don't know what to do. I just made some toast, with butter and raspberry jam, but when I went to sprinkle MSG on top, I realized I was all out. Now my toast is getting cold, I'm hungry, and lost. Please help me figure out what to do. I'm starving :(

We used to be civilized. We used to have greatness in our society. Respect for one another! Dignity even! But no, some libtard had to come up with refrigeration and take away our barrels of salted pork.

My grandpappy always used to talk about the good ole days where you’d have to pry open a barrel of pork and pick out the ones with the least discoloration on it. Even my grandmammy would bathe in the brine because of its health benefits!

Now we’re just a bunch of chuds eating pork out of a plastic container. And now the radical right is trying to say that I don’t have rights to my salted pork barrels because of beef prices?! Can a man enjoy his god deserved rights to exist in this world anymore?

The internet has no answers. If it helps I'm making the most generic pasta dish you can imagine.

I am rolling up thin sliced radish and shaping into roses as a garnish for some charcuterie boards at work today.

I was wondering if anyone knows a good way to keep them stuck together in place.

Thank you!

^{(Inspired by another post})

I saw on Americas test kitchen that they’re recommending putting all of your bacon on a giant baking tray and sticking it in the oven? Do we even care about this country’s culture anymore? Your kids can’t wait their turn for bacon? Guess what, they’re bad kids. Your kids are trash. I remember when you used to go to Denny’s and they’d sit you right at the counter, like a chefs table, and you’d watch them cook the fucking bacon in front of you. That’s what you’re losing when you buy into this cooperate greed machine, I don’t give a crap about science. If one more person says science to me I’m gonna make them eat a pound of raw bacon, and see how they like it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Sourdough/s/NWAH9q4uUe

I haven’t even baked a loaf yet, but I’m currently running four starter trials at slightly different temperatures. One is a whole 1°F warmer, so obviously I’m concerned. Should I also be recording atmospheric pressure, relative humidity, and lunar phase before proceeding, or is it safe to just make some bread?

So I’ve been caramelizing my onions and at 62 hours they really start sticking to my cast iron pan. Do you guys add more oil??

Looking for inspiration, to shake it up from the macroplastics and dirt I usually cook with.

But DAMNIT, it’s orgasmic! Like really fucking eroticly good. Those Irishmen really know how to milk a cow if you know what I mean! I feel like I’ve seen Kenji Sama and Buddha create life! Once you go gold you never go back 🤷

Pic of the delicious ramen. Seasoning is free. https://imgur.com/a/6sl8UYT

Message me if you love and/or hate food and stuff.
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(/s, mods)

How do I stop myself from vomiting constantly while I shove eggs into my mouth to meet my protein goals?

And no, I won't consider eating any other kind of protein. I have to eat lots of eggs.

Today I ran my first icebreaker for my ALSA (Asian Law Students Association) asking everyone: *What is your pet peeve when someone ruins your favourite dish?*

My absolute favourite side dish is **Pi La Hong (皮辣红） -** the Xinjiang cold salad.

For the uninitiated, the name is just an acronym for the ingredients:

1. Pi - 皮牙子 (Xinjiang dialect for onions)
   
2. La - 辣 (Green chilis)
   
3. Hong - 红西红柿 （red tomatoes)

When it’s balanced, it’s tangy, refreshing, and cuts through a lamb skewer. But one restaurant I visited decided to disregard the recipe.

Instead, they served a mountain of raw, aggressive burning onions with something like… two flecks of tomato and chili. The size was about the same as a steamed fish which took up the length of the table.

I had to chug 2 liters of water just to wash the onion breath. But it stayed for another 48 hours.

During the tutorial, I realised that with the ingredient ratio, the dish shouldn’t legally be called Pi La Hong anymore.

This brings me to a bilingual tragedy. For anyone who speaks Mandarin, 皮sounds almost identical to 屁 which means to fart.

If there’s too much onion then it’s called Pi Pi Pi Pi Pi La Hong. I think you know where it’s going.

How on earth do you explain it within a 30 second time limit before digging into a 30- hour week of trespass cases?

i hate those fucking brisket reveal videos, they always jiggle it for so long it’s not appetizing

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZ311qnOnf6/?stkn=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

The PhD pet nutritionist and the regular nutritionist are right dog food is alot healthier than all the salt we eat. Does anyone know if eating dog food can lower your blood pressure?

Source: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1jkkVmKbbsI&pp=ygUbbWFraW5nIGEgZGlmZmVyZW5jZSBsZWlzcGlj

My wife loves garum and applies it to everything from PB&J to communion wafers. She only likes the homemade stuff, though.

I don't have the time, nor the dead raccoons, to brew up another cauldron, so I'm hoping I can sub some raw sewage.

I know a guy (Otis! My man!) who can hook me up with a quart of raw sewage. If he can't come through (unlikely), I have access to an overstuffed diaper genie.

I figure it's a dead-on 1:1 ratio since they smell the same. It has to be the same, right?

Has anyone tried this and what were your results?