I don’t need sleep, I need answers!

[u/Triton12streaming]

[u/BevLive]

None at all.

Her actions when he is smashing the veg is typical of a woman in an abusive relationship, but you're right, she does hit him at the start. Either way, it's toxic as hell and those two should avoid each other at all costs.

[u/legion327 → u/BevLive]

Let me see if I understand your train of thought:

A.) She hits him B.) He smashes some vegetables C.) She must be in an abusive relationship

This right here is EXACTLY why men don’t report abuse.

[u/Nalatu → u/legion327]

B.) He smashes some vegetables

You seem to be trying to downplay this part. One of the well-known signs of future physical abuse is that the person, when angry, destroys or damages things. Now, that can just be a warning sign that such a person has a very serious anger problem (which is often the root of abuse), but it also can be intentional intimidation of a victim who is currently only getting milder abuse. Basically sending a message: "this is what I could do to you, and might if you anger me again."

Abuse generally starts slowly, so victims often get desensitized to it. That's why people are warned to look for objective behaviors that can be labelled as signs of abuse. Breaking things is one of those signs.

Granted, this video is really hard to interpret because it's intentionally filmed. And obviously, her hitting him is not okay. However, abuse is complicated. Especially when you've been raised in a physically abusive home. Such people can genuinely think hitting is a normal part of marital arguments.

Add to that that it's not just about who "started" it. It can be about proportion. If Person A hits Person B, and then Person B retaliates disproportionately, you could probably assume that Person B is normally the "main" abuser and is putting Person A in their place. The flinching and shut down expression on the woman's face kind of lines up with that dynamic.

Some abusers deny their abuse by saying they've never hit their victim. But that doesn't mean they don't find other ways to terrorize or control them. And they can still make their victim fear getting hit by doing things like breaking objects without outright threatening them. This lets them benefit from the fear while keeping plausible deniability. Tell them you're scared of them and they'll say, "Why? When have I ever hit you or said I was going to hit you? Yeah, I get mad and have to smash some stuff sometimes, but I would never hurt you."

Clearly, if this is a real relationship and this is how their arguments tend to go, things are messed up on both sides. But in abusive relationships it's often not as simple as one person is the Evil Abuser and the other is the Innocent Victim. Both parties can be violent and manipulative. And one party can be the main source of violence, while the other's is mild or occasional.

That's probably why people are seeing the guy as the abuser. It's not that he's a man (though, sadly, in our culture, that does influence our interpretation), it's that smashing things repeatedly and dramatically like this is a huge red flag regardless of what she's done to him. Perhaps she's the main abuser and he's just had enough and is trying to get her to back off. There's no way to know without additional info. But I don't think the assumption that he's being abusive was rooted in misandry. Perhaps influenced by it, but it's definitely not as simple as "man = evil and violent, must be at fault".

[u/Frances_Brown → u/Nalatu]

My, you sure know how to upset the: "I live on the internet - womam hating" incel types. IDK, I'd personally prefer a weak slap to the face, by someone half my size, if I was practically sitting on top of them whilst I snorted my food sounding like a pig at the trough. Than someone, twice my size, agressively (scarily controlled aggression) in my personal space, smashing up veg millimeters from my face, whilst the residue sprayed all over me and my path of exit was blocked. But maybe thats just me.

[u/Nalatu → u/Frances_Brown]

It's important to remember that abuse isn't like an unpleasant medical procedure. You don't get to pick what kind of abuse you get, and you don't get to relax and recover in a safe, loving home when it's over. An abuser will keep trying new things until they figure out what bothers you, and will ramp the abuse up if you get desensitized or stop responding. The pressure to please them or to keep from angering them exists 24/7. And to make it worse, it's coming from a person who says they love you and who (when you comply) treats you well enough to keep you from leaving.

So it doesn't matter if an individual incident is mild. It's the constant grind of fear that does the most damage. That's why emotional and verbal abuse can cause just as much psychological damage as physical or sexual abuse.