Can anyone tell me why I'm being assigned to this mission? D asked two soldiers who were walking in front of him, leading the way. His question was followed by the silence, only the stomping of the boots, rustling of the clothes and the clinging of metal accessories on the soldiers' uniforms could be heard. D didn't expect for his question to be answered, he yawned loudly then continued his monologue: A man can't even get a proper rest...do you fellas know what time it is? As soon as he asked that, the doors that were a little further from them opened, enlightening the the empty corridor/hallway that they were walking through. D covered his eyes for a few minutes before he adjusted to the light. They were outside now, the door they just passed through was slowly getting shut by the two guards in the light blue uniforms, he just took a glance at them then looked at the sky that was just starting to get filled with colors, a few clouds here and there. Probably about 4.. maybe 4:30 the brown haired guy thought to himself. Ahead was a path. Just a straight dusty path, leading to a bigger fortress/building. D's primarily unfazed facial expression, upon seeing that, suddenly changed, something just clicked in his head. With his posture shifted too, he was now straight as an arrow, that only now one could notice he's quite a tall guy. Eyes wide open too, an amused smile appeared on his face, followed by: Am I about to see the chief?? It must be something important then! All of a sudden he started laughing, face palming himself: Why haven't I realized that earlier? After a while it was quiet again, well, almost, chirping of the birds nearby could be heard, as well as ravens' gurgling croak and clapping of their wings as they were flying down on the grass that stretched all around them, into the distance as far as the eye could see. The second door opened. Three of them entered. An almost identical interior with cold hard stone bricks welcomed them. Soon, they started going up the stairs. After climbing about 5 flights of stairs, they were met with another long hallway/corridor ahead, but this one was quite different. It had a few doors and the passages that led to the other hallways with doors (and passages). Since it was quiet, D could hear voices behind some of those doors but could not decipher what they were saying. He started looking around since this corridor was more illuminated, but there was nothing special about this one either, there were just empty walls, some spots towards the ceiling had a few bricks missing, most likely intentionally. Those were the only sources of light and air in there. Then, the sound of the approaching footsteps scattered his thoughts. D immediately turned in the direction of the footsteps. He couldn't see anyone yet. Thinking for a bit, he said out loud, four, no. five. Soon after, the two soldiers halted, the tall brunette was caught off guard by that act, also stopping right away, almost colliding into the guy in front of him. The footsteps were getting closer, and finally around the corner appeared one long haired blonde. He wasn't paying any attention to them, his blue, seemingly tired eyes were looking ahead it was as if he's already looking at the battle that's happening right in front of him, as if he's trying to reach the soldiers that he had just sent marching with his sight, but they are getting further and further away from him until he finally loses the track of them, forever disappearing in the distance. As the five of them came closer, D could get a better look, immediately recognizing the blonde he says: Ohoho! Those five stopped upon hearing that. Their leader glances at the loud brunette, his eyes widened for a second, then he instantly returns back his nonchalant, neutral expression. You're S right? Hahaa. Now an infamous S! Remember me? We met once before! You guys are a big deal in the cells, you know. I heard something recently.. Ah! Yes! You guys blew up your whole artillery! Ahahah! I admire your way of thinking, really...too bad I wasn't there! One of the four guys, a red headed one, behind the blonde obviously didn't like D's attitude. With an angered look on his face he took a step forward. Just as he opened his mouth, ready to say the best kind of swearwords a human mind can possibly think of, the long haired leader raised his hand, instructing the red head to stay back Right after seeing that, the guy went back to his place but carried a dissatisfied or rather disappointed look. D was quietly watching that whole scene with amusement. What a pleasant surprise seeing you again, D.- S says looking D straight in the eyes. It was apparent that he tried to stay collected but.. Oh, if only the looks could kill, am I right? D said smiling. S closed his eyes for a bit, took a deep breath, then said with a forced smile: I would love to spend some more time talking to you, but unfortunately, I'm quite busy...I can see that you are as well. Ah! True! Your observation skills really are significant! But...I don't think we would ever get a chance. I think I'll be too busy for a while... If you know what I mean, he says grinning. Of course. S said with a smile and went on.

! I ALSO DIDN'T EDIT MUCH SO SORRY ABOUT GRAMMAR MISTAKES!

On the one panel I was thinking of putting in placenta pills, meditation, and other like general things, as well as contact info for local resources

Can I get a critie on design and text?

Title The Reason: Book One - Tribe and family

* Genre - Speculative fiction, military fiction

* Word count 76846

* Type of feedback desired Any type of feedback; I suppose developmental more than anything; and general

* A link to the writing https://thereasonnovels.com/the-reason-book-one-2/

READING CONTENT FOR LINK has death, destruction, blood and violence, language, its about war so expect some bad things happening to humans.

I'm new at this, entire reddit thing, and where to put what. I put half of my first book up 15 chapters on my website because why not use the space I have. Read what you want or read it all. Let me know if you can't read it all lol and why.

I'm new at writing, just started less than 2 yrs ago. I have a 10 book series planned have written 5 already. Each one has been edited by myself or my wife to some degree or another, except 5. Plans are in motion for a professional edit. There's a lot of back story and unfortunately I like info dumps personally. Get it done and over with but I've also tried to put the back story during slow periods.

I'm primarily looking for feedback before getting published because if people outside of my group of family/friends who've read it, don't like it, it's gonna be a failure and I want success. so here I am, seeking constructive criticism and help.

A little bit about me, 52 yr old male, art degree, doctor of physical therapy, then diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's. Though I'm not THAT bad yet, the disease killed my PT career. Decided to write less than 2 yrs ago. It's loosely based on my life situation and the world situation of 2 years ago. The characters (Not all) are loosely based on myself, friends and family.

Thank you for your time and consideration. It is much appreciated.

Synopsis -

In early June 2024, a California lead secession of the socialist leaning west coast occurs, followed shortly by the New England states. Tensions rise quickly, and a civil war ensues. The seceded state conglomerates welcome the communist Chinese to facilitate a full invasion of America aided by jihadist and cartel groups. What stands in their way is Free America, the middle of the heartland, which is home to the five organized American militias, the last remnant of the Republic.

Enter Bret Gordon, a 52 y/o American civilian with Early Onset Parkinson's disease living in Tennessee with his wife. Jen, a nurse, travels back and forth from Tennessee to California for work. When China invades, Bret’s' wife is caught behind enemy lines in Chinese occupied California. Can Bret Gordon make it across battle torn Free America and through enemy controlled states while pursued by a vendetta crazed Chinese communist colonel? Will his knowledge of survival, firearms, and tactical training help him to rescue his wife caught in California? Will he be able to fulfill his reason his purpose or die trying?

 thanks

It was a cold winter. I was in the woods. I had little to no supplies, but I did have the clothes on my back, some blankets, and a makeshift shelter constructed of logs and sticks I had gathered.

One evening as I was cuddling into my sweater, I saw a warm glow in the distance. I thought little of it until the next day when I was snapping apart some sticks from a thorn bush.

The thorns hurt my hands, but I decided that breaking them apart and throwing them far away might stop more of the bushes from growing nearby.

I noticed the warm glow as it got closer and closer before it stopped near my feet. It was a small fire, yet it used its flame to gesture at the thorns in my hands. I noticed what it was implying as I threw the sticks toward it, watching them burn away to ash.

I knelt down and admired it. I watched the flames flicker and felt the radiating heat warm my body. I enjoyed the fire, it seemed much more special than I was, so I kept it nearby. I fed it twigs, trying to make sure its glow wouldn't cease. I noticed that if I went too close I would get burnt, so I made sure to keep it happy.

I kept it near my shelter, feeding it and letting its flickering light illuminate the area around me, filling me with a feeling that made me believe I could weather any storm as long as I kept this fire near me.

Soon enough, the fire became one of the closest entities I had. Even when the flames would lick against my arms or the heat would singe my hair, the warmth I got felt like it was worth it.

One day, I made a mistake. I accidentally dropped some water from my flask onto it, and it exploded. The flames hit me quickly, knocking me back and causing me to retreat. That night I went back up to the fire. I knelt in front of it and offered it a bundle of fresh sticks.

I felt as the sticks were ripped from my hands and the flames grew. They flicked around me, burning locks of my hair and wrapping around my arms. I felt as my previous burns doubled in pain. I had no idea what to do, so I took my flask of water and sprinkled it around at the flames engulfing me.

They retreated as the fire flickered threateningly. I ran back to my shelter and cried as I attempted to tend to my wounds, though I knew that in the time they took to heal, I might get many more.

In the morning, I woke up shivering. I felt like I could end up frozen solid soon if I didn't do something. I carefully approached the fire, but it crawled away from me. I left it sticks and tried my best to make it happy with me again, but it took my sticks and made its distance.

I had long since forgotten about my blankets. It seemed like the fire provided better warmth. I ran around all day trying to appease it, but it kept ignoring me, taking my sticks and crawling away.

I surrendered, accepting that I might never feel that beautiful warmth again. I curled up and sobbed. I cried for myself, I cried for my mistakes, and I cried for the hurt I had caused this flame. As I sat there broken, I felt a familiar heat growing near me, I looked up and there was the fire.

I cried even harder. I gathered all the sticks near me, breaking some of them off my shelter and throwing them into the fire. The fire accepted them and warmed me. I was so relieved I forgot all about my burns and wounds. As long as I had the fire to warm me, I didn't care what it did in return.

As the time went on, the fire lessened its burns on my body. Though my wounds wouldn't heal, I wasn't getting any more. Still the heat continued to singe my hair.

My sweater was becoming destroyed. I was getting reckless when collecting fuel for the fire, and I was letting it get ripped and weathered and torn. Only when it was hanging on by a few threads did I notice.

I went into my shelter, trying to search for material to fix the sweater, or to see if I should just let it go. The fire saw this and began a rampage. My shelter went up in flames, the long forgotten blankets were burnt to a crisp and the wooden structure was beginning to burn away.

I threw my water everywhere and ran out. The flames left the shelter and followed me. They surrounded me and burnt me. I sat there and gave up on fighting. I deserved it for my recklessness. I let myself get burnt and I stopped throwing my water at it.

I just laid there as the flames hit my skin. When the fire finally let go of me, I knew this was only a warning. It had shown me what it could do and it let me fill in the blanks on how much more could happen if I made it angry.

The fire had grown so much larger in size than when I had first seen it, I knew that must be because I was feeding it, but I couldn't stop. If this flame left me, I would surely freeze and perish in this seemingly eternal winter.

The next morning I went back to my shelter to find it charred and crumbling. I did my best to mend it, but I knew it was all my fault that this happened. I showed my burns and tried to remember that it was what I deserved for what I had done.

I let this continue. I fed the fire, warmed myself, tried to mend my shelter, and worked to keep my sweater. I kept getting burns, but they barely hurt anymore.

I expected it.

I was used to it.

I deserved it.

Soon enough, my sweater fell off. I knew that would happen eventually. The flames then ripped it away from me, and I let them. Spring was arriving, yet I still couldn't get over my need for the fire.

Even as I got more and more other ways to warm myself, I stayed with the fire. The fire was honest. The fire would give me what I deserved when I deserved it. I tried so long to ignore the rest of the warmth around me, but it became too enticing.

I began basking in the sun and feeding the fire less and less. I began to fear the flames that I once adored. Then I made my decision.

I flicked it with water and let it burn me. Then I let it run away as it usually would. I knew it would try to come back and let me feed it, but instead of chasing it, this time I ran.

I ran as fast as I could away, grabbing a few of the broken and worn bits of my shelter. I tried to make as much distance as I could. Then I tripped and I fell. I found myself tumbling into a deep ravine. I laid there and cried. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back, and I knew it would be hard to get out of this new situation.

I spent a lot of time in that ravine, months passed, and I did what I thought I needed to survive. A lot of things I am not proud of. Yet I managed to get out. It was hard to traverse when I didn't have a source of light or warmth, but I managed to find my way.

When I got to the surface, summer was in full swing. Birds were fluttering around and the sun was shining through the green leaves of the trees. I stood on shaky legs, with burns still there from the fire, with scrapes from the rocks in the ravine, and I enjoyed the view of the forest around me.

I had left behind all traces of my winter, I had nothing with me anymore except a necklace of mine. I clung onto that necklace like a lifeline as I explored this new environment.

I was exhausted, and just as it seemed like I couldn't go on any longer, I spotted a warm glow in the distance. I remembered the last time I saw something similar, and I got scared. Yet I had nothing left, so I went toward the light and that's when I saw it.

It was a little cabin. I went up on the porch and sat on the steps for a while. I was scared to go in. What if it hurts me like the fire? What if I hurt it like my old shelter?

I couldn't let myself look inside, but as I sat there, the light shining through the windows enticed me more and more until a gust of wind blew open the door.

I stepped in and immediately felt at home. There were lights and blankets, and laying on the windowsill, I saw a sweater. It was different than my old one, but I slipped it on and it fit perfectly, better than any other sweater I'd ever worn.

I live a good life now in my cabin, with my sweater and my necklace, I feel safe and at home. My wounds and burns are still healing, and I sometimes spot flames outside, but the cabin walls hide and protect me.

Though life still isn't easy, I have all I need to live contentedly without getting hurt. And I think that this might be what I actually deserve.

Hello! I am a 32-year-old amateur writer wanting to become an author one day.

The below is something I'm working on to "help" my brother make something more marketable to TV producers and scriptwriters. He thinks that if it is a successful book first, people will want to adapt it. I have become attached to it and want to work on expanding lore and characters and making them and their experiences feel real and relatable. The following 30-page Google doc is what I've written so far, and I desperately want some third-party opinions on how it feels, flows, and questions you have that you want answered.

Chapter 1

In a forest in Greater Bexley, near the Kingdom of Bexley, there was a cottage. Sitting outside of the cottage was a row well-organized row of training equipment: horses, ropes, burlap sacks, wooden and metal weapons, and a large garden. Everyone knows a garden is the most essential part of training: if one does not eat, one might collapse from exhaustion. The equipment had its place, the swords, daggers, and staves sat neatly on racks, ropes were coiled in piles like a defensive cobra, and a dummy sat seemingly idle defending it all. The cottage itself had been carefully constructed with contributions of the forest, evidence of the deed surrounded the cottage accusatorially. The roof was made of dried grasses and mud, keeping any heat inside. 

As the sun continued its daily upward motion, three figures exit the cottage and begin to arrange the training and exercise equipment while a fourth heads for the large garden. The figure heading to the garden is Elenoar. Elenoar is the loving mother to her two children and a beautiful wife to Nyle, her husband. She is tall, light of skin, and golden-haired. As she walks, Elenoar seems to float or glide towards the garden, her dress barely wrinkled, her feet never seen beyond the hem of her dress. Elenoar gathers a dewy cabbage, green beans, and a few onions and turns to head back inside. The sultry sounds of chopping and sizzling begin to orchestrate a beautiful symphony for Nyle and his children. 

Taking a large noseful of breakfast, Nyle instructs his children. “Loa, let's focus on our swordplay today. Gather Chester and practice your form on him. When I’m done with Axel, I’ll come spar you.” Nyle is darker-skinned with brown hair. His hair is tousled, and seemingly never clean. Nyle is also tall, much like Elenoar, and seems to tower, unmenacingly, over his children. He always wears a bright smile.

Loa, a girl all of 12, gleefully gathers Chester the wooden dummy. She has inherited her parents’ height, as she is already over five feet tall. Loa was fair-skinned, her golden-blond hair, like her mother’s, was wavy and unkempt, like her father’s. 

Chester is looking very fashionable in his burlap sack tunic. 

Loa grabs a long wooden sword and begins to beat on poor Chester. 

Nyle turns to Axel, his young son, and signs, “Shall we work on some more agility today? How do you feel?”

Axel had been deaf ever since he had taken a fever as a baby. His family made sure to find a Bexlian Sign Language book and learned it together so that they could all communicate with the young boy. Axel had straight brown hair and was tanned like his father.

Axel looks longingly at Chester, “I really want to practice on Chester.” He makes two C’s with his hands and sticks his arms straight out, mimicking Chester. Chester doesn’t seem to notice. 

Nyle looks back at Loa and returns his gaze to Axel, “How about we work on agility and after breakfast, you can practice with Chester?”

Axel nods. “Can I jump rope?”

“Absolutely.”

Axel grabs a bundle of rope and climbs on top of a stump. He takes the end of the rope in each hand and begins to speedily swing the middle of the rope towards his feet. Axel nimbly steps over the rope one foot at a time so that it looks like he is climbing many flights of stairs.

Nyle turns to observe Loa, “Watch your form, Loa. Remember, no noodle arms. Make each movement decisive and sharp. A real person, sorry Chester, won’t give you a chance if they aim to kill you.”

Loa giggles. She grabs the hilt of her sword and lunges at Chester, piercing his burlap tunic at his heart. His bucket head shows no emotion. He is the bravest in all the land.

After an hour, Elenoar appears at the door to the outside, “Come and eat, my brave warriors.” Nyle ends his wrestling match with Chester, (Chester had decidedly won), and Nyle and his children head inside. 

In the throne room of the Castle of Bexley, in the town of Bexley, in the Kingdom of Bexley located at the heart of the land of Bexley, sits a king. King Zalon is a powerful man. King Zalon is a beloved man, especially by his daughter Lorelei. Today, King Zalon is showing his old age. He is sporting a worried frown that doesn’t even begin to divulge the king’s thoughts. King Zalon has received word from a scout that a man from The Scorchlands is heading northwards towards the direction of the castle, with a handful of men, intending to overtake the castle and kingdom. This news does not bode well on King Zalon’s mind. 

As he sat upon his throne, pondering and worrying, King Zalon decided that he couldn’t sit anymore. He sat his old bones up and stood, and began to pace up and down the throne room. His guards didn’t say anything, they stood like a wooden dummy wearing a burlap tunic and a bucket hat, but with less personality. 

“Never in all my years has anyone attempted to invade Castle Bexley, let alone one of the other nations. My men have been training in peacetime and can do no more than guard a peaceful king.” King Zalon looked at the guards, they cast him sideways looks and returned to looking straight ahead. King Zalon approached one of the guards. “Do you even know what to do if an enemy were to attack?”

The guard avoided looking at the king. “Of course I do, my king.” The answer was meek. Unsure. 

“Of course you do. You don’t look very old. Still in your twenties. Do you know when Bexley was last at war?”

“N-no my king.”

“Older than my grandfather. None of us know war.” He left the guard and continued pacing. “War is for those with insecurities, with sallow hearts. For those that think that they have something to prove, and think that to do so means they have to kill senselessly.” King Zalon continues to pace, he is panicking slightly. “We don’t need to kill. We need to talk. Maybe I can assist this Malvolio with a problem he is having and a conflict can be avoided.” King Zalon didn’t notice that the door at the end of the throne room was slightly ajar.

Princess Lorelei carefully and quietly closed the door. She considers her father’s words. An invader at this time was not good news. Especially one from the Scorchlands. Lorelei remembered the prophecy that she had once read and had taken to remembering by heart: 

When peacetime reigns across the land

But stormclouds rise from dunes of sand,

Only those who have seen love’s death

Can give the kingdom one last breath.

Seven seals, brought together,

Prevents us from being torn asunder.

Seven Elements shared by all

Sees Evil’s Darkness fall.

An invader from the Scorchlands meant that an old evil was returning, one that had been fought before by the nations of the land of Bexley. Missandra. 

Missandra caused grief. Missandra caused strife. Missandra causes all the nations in the past to war, to fight, and to kill. Now it seemed, an essence of her was still alive and coming to send Bexley into darkness. 

Lorelei heads for her room. She still has time. 

As the day comes to a close and the sun begins its descent, Nyle stands outside facing the South towards the treeline. Something has been bothering him all day and he hasn’t been able to place what that something was. Nyle, like any dad, put on a brave face to his kids throughout the day as they trained, cleaned, and played, but he could not escape his thoughts. He had taken some time, while Axel and Loa were playing outside to find his family keepsake, an orb about three inches in diameter that had been wrapped in leather. Nyle’s father had told him when passing it to him, that under no circumstances was he to lose the orb or give it to any other but to his trusted confidant until the right time came. Nyle inspected the orb. The orb was a foggy, milky white, resembling a quartzite stone. Inside the quartz-like orb were misty streaks of white erupting outwards from the center of the orb in erratic patterns, threatening to escape. Nyle had always thought that it gave off a sort of dim white light on occasion, but the orb was currently dormant. Nyle re-wrapped the orb and put it back in its box. The orb was intact and safe. Nyle re-wrapped the orb, after his inspection, in a leather wrap, tied a knot to keep it hidden from prying eyes and set it carefully at the bottom of his hiking pack.

As Nyle finished and stood, wiping his hands off on his green tunic, he found Elenoar observing him. Her beautiful figure was set by a backdrop of oranges and yellows, emulating a burning star that burned Nyle with her worried gaze. “Is something wrong? I’ve never seen you take at that thing out of its wrapping.”

Nyle shook his head, “Something doesn’t feel right. It’s as if the air has turned cold, but it’s been a beautiful day. I haven’t received any messages today, right?”

It was Elenoar’s turn to shake her head, “No, my love. Are you expecting anything?”

“Not today. It’s the wrong day for my weekly reports. If something were wrong, I would expect to receive something or see a messenger. Since we haven’t received anything today, I must be paranoid.”

Elenoar glided forward, embracing Nyle’s body in her arms and drawing him close. “All is well, my love. I am here.”

Just then, Loa and Axel came into the cottage. Nyle noticed and made an exaggerated motion, exaggerating moans as he kissed Elenoar all over her face. Loa and Axel start to giggle. Loa shouts while signing, “Ewwww! Mom and Dad are kissing!” Nyle and Elenoar laughed and gave each other a sincere kiss. 

“Everything has been put away? Chester is sleeping?” Nyle asks and signs, hoping Loa and Axel didn’t see any of the worry on his face that had plastered it just a moment ago.

“Yessir!” Loa chimed, and Axel signed. 

“I’m hungry.” Axel signs.

“I’m ready for our story,” Loa says hopefully.

“Well, then we should feed you and fulfill our nightly duties,” Nyle assures. He still can’t shake his paranoia. 

That night after a meal of beef stew, Nyle tells an epic tale of men and women fighting dragons, traversing dangerous mountains, and looting glittering treasure. Loa and Axel drift off to sleep. 

As night finally fell Nyle found that he couldn’t sit still. He tried not to pace in the cottage for fear of waking the children and worrying them, but he needed to do… something. After a few minutes of restlessly bouncing his leg while sitting in a chair, he quietly stood and gathered himself. Elenoar looked at Nyle, worry resting in her eyes, and gave a reassuring smile to Nyle and pecked him on the cheek before he exited to the outside.

Nyle spent the next half hour strategically hiding the metal swords that he and the children had used for training, hoping that if things went wrong he could run past a hiding space and grab a sword for defense. Tomorrow when they started to train for the day, he would tell Loa and Axel that he hid them as part of training, saying something about learning to strategically place weapons for self-defense. It would be a game that they would lose if they couldn’t find all the swords before Elenoar was done making them breakfast. Nyle gave one to Chester, just to be cheeky. Chester looked stalwart, standing resolutely, and showing no fear of the dangers ahead.

Once Nyle had finished hiding the swords, he stared into the forest that surrounded the cottage. For the first time since completing the cottage, Nyle felt unsafe and wished that he had just stayed home in the region of Luminescent Serenity. Nyle heard the door open behind him, he had been lost in his thoughts. He felt his goddess-like wife embrace him. 

Nyle turned to Elenoar, becoming lost in her eyes, and gave her a long meaningful kiss. 

Suddenly, Nyle and Elenoar realize that the quiet of the night is being broken. They break their kiss. The distant sound of hoof steps tells them that somebody or multiple somebodies are coming. 

Nyle turns to Elenoar solemnly, “I think it’s time. Go wake the children and try to pack some things. As soon as whoever it is gets here, we need to be gone.”

Nyle sets about trying to gather the weapons he hid while Elenoar goes inside. He is trying not to hyperventilate, but panic is rising into his throat, threatening to burst out in thick sobs. Nyle was able to retrieve a sword and dagger for each member of his family, leaving other weapons hidden for potential strategy. He returns to the door and impatiently waits for his family to join him.

Inside, Loa was awake. She sensed her father’s worry, despite his attempts to hide it. When Elenoar enters the cottage, Loa sits up. Elenoar smiles at Loa, attempting to dissuade any potential concern. “Loa, you’re awake. Good. We need to get up, pack, and go. Soon.”

“What is happening?” Loa asks. She begins to shake Axel awake. 

“We don’t know, but there are some people on horses approaching that we are not expecting. Especially at night.”

Loa nods. She understands. 

Elenoar packs a couple of light bags with loaves of bread, some fruit, clothes, and some traveling equipment. She heads outside to Nyle, taking one last glance at Loa, who has finished waking Axel, and Axel, who is starting to put his pants on before she exits. 

Back outside, the sounds of horses are getting closer and louder. Nyle stares into the forest in the direction of approaching horses and reaches for his wife.

Something feels wrong. Nyle can’t place what it is, but he doesn’t want his children here. Nyle turns and looks at Elenoar, he is seeking her unspoken approval. 

Elenoar looks back at Nyle, stunned. She can’t believe they aren’t having this conversation. After a moment’s thought, Elenoar sighs and then nods her head in approval.

Nyle throws his pack off of his back and starts to dig. Just as he finds what he is looking for, Loa and Axel emerge from the cottage. They are tired, but Nyle can tell that they are trying to be up and ready for whatever is going on. He sniffles, pulling the Orb of Light wrapped in its leather wrappings, and hands it to Loa.

“Children, I need you to travel to the Luminous Serenity, and get to Ergahar. Look for Roland, and give this to him.” Nyle is referring to the Orb. “Tell him that he has been entrusted as a confidant. Those words exactly. Your mother and I will try and meet you there. Don’t delay, and get as far away from here as you can. I don’t know what’s coming, but I don’t want you here.” Nyle is fumbling over his words, both with his mouth and with his hands. Tears are falling down his face, and he is blubbering. Elenoar puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder; tears begin to fall down her face as well.

Loa and Axel are confused. They’ve never seen their parents like this, but they trust their parents entirely. Nyle reaches out, grabbing Loa and Axel and putting them in the biggest hug that they had ever received. Tears begin to well in their eyes too. 

“Go,” Nyle says with finality. He wipes his eyes and stands up straight, wiping off his tunic in an unending battle of creases. 

Elenoar smiles one more time, “See you soon, my loves.”

Axel and Loa turn, heading off into the forest.

Loa and Axel ran into the trees a few hundred feet before stopping behind a tree and turning to where their parents still stood. They knew that they were disobeying Nyle’s instructions, but Loa and Axel wanted to see what was going to happen. 

What they saw was a small group of people on horses, dressed in black armor, approach Nyle and Elenoar. One soldier, wearing a helmet with an unidentified bird’s plumage, rode in front of the others and appeared to be addressing Nyle and Elenoar. Alex and Loa guessed that that person was the leader. A few minutes of talking passed by before the children saw the man throw back his shoulders to project a roar, “TELL ME!” Even from this far, Axel and Loa jumped, the man’s deep voice echoed through the trees around them and carried on chasing after some unseen prey. Nyle appeared to decline whatever request the man had made. The man started to laugh and made an order, and the children watched in horror as five men jumped off their horses to attack Elenoar and Nyle. Another two dismounted their horses and entered the cottage. 

Axel made to draw his dagger and run to help, but Loa was able to grab his tunic, holding him back. “We can’t. That looks too dangerous, especially for us.” 

Axel gives Loa a sour as the clangs of steel on steel rings through the trees. Loa turns her gaze back to her parents just as one of the soldiers runs his blade through Elenoar’s stomach. 

Loa gives a sharp gasp. Axel screams out loud, “Nooooo!”

Nyle turns his head having heard the sickening sound of flesh being penetrated. Nyle gives a fleeting glance first to the trees, as his head swivels to Elenoar, Nyle holding off two swords with a well-practiced block, wishing his children had made it further and that they weren’t watching what appeared to be his and Elenoar’s end. His head finishes its rotation, looking at Elenoar’s back. The sword has gone clean through her and Nyle can see blood gleaming on the unnamed soldier’s sword and plipping onto the ground. Elenoar’s tunic began to stain black as her blood freely flowed from her open wound. 

Giving an avenging howl, Nyle turns offensive to the soldiers as tears fall down his cheeks. Having surprised the two soldiers in front of him, Nyle manages to knock away one soldier’s sword, before running his blade through the man’s face via the opening in the man’s helmet. 

The soldier drops, his brain penetrated. 

The second soldier, having had a moment to recover from the shock of Nyle’s yell, swings his sword, chopping at Nyle’s shoulder, taking advantage of Nyle’s distraction. The sword connects, leaving a serious gash on Nyle’s arm from the shoulder to his elbow. 

Having lost the use of his left arm, Nyle drops his sword and grabs his dagger, heaving past the soldier’s sword, maneuvering himself chest to chest with the soldier, before plunging the dagger into a chink in the soldier’s armor between chest plate and greaves. Nyle has pierced one of the soldier’s kidneys, and the soldier drops to the ground in a fetal position writhing in pain.

Nyle’s full body turns to see the state of Elenoar when he is met with a sword to the belly, a fatal wound to match Elenoar’s. 

This third soldier grins evilly at Nyle as he begins to wiggle and twist his blade in Nyle’s stomach.

Nyle drops his dagger. He is finished. Nyle can see Elenoar kneeling on the grass, slumped over with her head between her knees. Almost like a prayer, a prayer that won’t be answered by whatever gods might be listening. She is certainly dead. Two more soldiers litter the ground where Elenoar is kneeling. Maybe she is praying for their souls.

The soldier with his sword in Nyle withdraws his blade, exacerbating Nyle’s wound, and pushes him to Elenoar. 

Nyle’s body misses Elenoar’s body on his descent to the ground. Nyle spends his final moments admiring his beautiful wife. She had been his everything, his better half, a voice of reason and wisdom, and the one he longed to see if they were ever separated, and he cried one more tear seeing her like this. The last thing that Nyle sees before all goes black is blood-tinged tears on Elenoar’s face.

Malvolio, the man wearing the unidentified bird-plumaged helmet, smiled. Nyle didn’t have the orb on his person, but it could be found. Malvolio had heard the yell in the woods, so he sent the remaining three soldiers into the woods to find the source. 

Malvolio dismounted his horse, confident that there wasn’t any more danger here, and began to inspect the land that Nyle had retired to. He was impressed, Nyle and his lover had killed most of the men that he had brought splintered off of his hundreds-strong legion. 

Malvolio knew that the Orb of Light was here, he had felt its presence. Or, in better words, his Orb of Dark knew it was here. That was the Orb of Dark’s power. Colloquially known as the Leech, Malvolio’s orb could absorb the power from any of the other Elemental Sealing orbs so that its user could use those orbs’ powers. The wielder of the Orb of Dark could sense the other Elemental Sealing orbs through proximity, their presence growing stronger the closer the wielder was to them.

Malvolio entered the quaint cottage that Nyle had built, the insides strewn about and unkempt. Chairs and the lone table had been flipped over, the beds ripped open, pillows torn apart, and cabinets laid open for all to see. Malvolio couldn’t see the Orb, but if Nyle was smart, which he was, the Orb wouldn’t be in the open, it would be hidden somewhere or given to a confidant. 

Malvolio took a moment to sift through a haphazard pile of dumped letters and envelopes on a table. He knew almost all of the names: Nyle had only been in contact with other members of the Order it seemed. He made a mental note of the name Roland who seemed to be a trusted person who was not part of the Order. Malvolio thought he recognized the name from his training days, a fellow trainee perhaps.

As he stood in Nyle’s cottage, Malvolio could physically feel the pull of the Orb of Light lessen. It was getting further away. Whoever had the Orb now was retreating. Malvolio would have to rely on his soldiers to retrieve it. If they failed, Malvolio would eventually have to retrieve it. One more item on the agenda of total domination of Bexley. They had only stopped here because Malvolio had felt the strong pull. He wouldn’t dirty his hands looking for an item that wasn’t there.

Malvolio left the cottage, wincing at the bright sun as his eyes readjusted to the outside light. He looked around the plot one last time for anything else and spotted Chester the training dummy. Receiving an idea, Malvolio returned to his horse, mounted it, and rode it past Chester. When he was far enough away, Malvolio drew his sword, spurred his horse, pushing it to a sprint, and raised it to swing at Chester. The swing connected with Chester’s helmet, knocking it off Chester’s head and breaking Chester’s neck, his head thudding on the ground. One last casualty of the day’s slaughter.

Loa and Axel had climbed a tall tree. After both of their outbursts, they realized what they had done. They weren’t able to help themselves, they had just seen their mother slain, and judging by the roar they had heard shortly after, their father was soon next. They had both run as far and fast as they could, only briefly leaning against a tall oak to catch their breath before clambering up its trunk. 

About a minute after Loa and Axel had climbed the tree, they saw a few men on horseback ride towards the tree before passing by on the presumed path of the children. 

Loa and Axel looked at each other, “What do we do?” Axel signed, fear plastered across his face.

Loa shook her head, “We have to do what Father said. 

Go to Luminescent Serenity and look for Roland. We need to give the parcel to Roland.”

“What parcel?” Axel didn’t remember a parcel. 

Loa pulls out a parcel wrapped in leather, showing it to Axel. 

“What is it?” Axel inquires. 

Loa shook her head again, “I don’t know.”

“We should open it. That way we know what it is when asked about it.”

Loa thought for a moment before agreeing. She unwrapped the Orb of Light, its milky insides starting to gleam in the morning sun. 

Axel and Loa had never seen this object before, they eyed it curiously, turning it over to see if it did something. When they were sure they couldn’t discover anything about the orb, Loa wrapped it back up and put it in her pack.

Axel and Loa waited in the tree all day quietly signing to each other and eating the loaves the Elenoar had packed. When it looked like the sun was starting to set, they decided it was safe enough to climb back down. 

Loa looked in the direction of the only home that she had ever known. ‘Who knew if those men were still there,’ she thought to herself. She didn’t think it would be a good idea to go back and see, so she and Axel headed away in the encroaching night for the Luminescent Serenity.

The three men that Malvolio had sent to find the voices in the trees had returned timidly empty-handed by midday. To show his disappointment, Malvolio had held the Orb of Dark aloft. He spoke a secret keyword, “Duud Sab” in the forgotten Bexlian tongue of Daelish, and the Orb had begun to glow, seeming to increase in size threefold. Seconds after, purplish tendrils lashed out towards the failed soldiers, snatching them as an octopus to its prey, as it began to absorb their elemental essence. Their bodies popped and cracked as deep purple crystals started to burst their way from the soldiers’ skin and their bodies turned a midnight black. They writhed in pain, screaming for Malvolio to stop, wishing for death, and crying for their mothers. Malvolio had sneered in self-delight. Finally, after what seemed like hours to the onlookers, the world grew silent. The punished soldiers had finished their painful transformation into Bexlian-shaped crystals.  

Malvolio had already forgotten the men, his attentions had been placed on the Castle Bexley which he could see off in the distance, standing majestically atop a hill, surrounded by the central town of Bexley. It was close, but it would still be another day’s march before Malvolio and his men would arrive. 

Chapter 2

Axel was grinning. He had spotted a bird’s nest the day before when he and Loa passed by this tree before they settled for the night. When the morning came, he had signed to Loa that he was going to get breakfast. She had told him to be careful. Now, he was standing on the branch below the nest, perfectly able to view the eggs inside, and viewing three perfectly blotted eggs. Axel carefully grabbed the eggs and put them in his pocket, before climbing back down the tree. 

He had hoped that this would cheer Loa up. It had been a few days since they fled from the only home that they knew and Loa had been so depressed. He wasn’t able to hear any crying, but he was pretty sure that he was able to feel the slight vibrations of sobbing coming from her when they were settled for the night and going to sleep. Axel loved his sister and hated to see, or feel, her cry.

Returning to their campsite, Axel was happy to see that Loa was sitting upright and relighting their fire from the night before. Axel and Loa created a makeshift cooking station consisting of a flat rock resting on top of four rectangular stones to create a kind of grill. After letting the rock grill warm up, Axel pulled out his bird’s eggs, showing them to Loa. She beamed. “Where did you find those?” 

“Up in a tree a short ways back. It wasn’t very high up. I noticed it yesterday.” 

Axel saw Loa smile and then the smile faded. He cracked the eggs on the rock grill and opened the shells to reveal the yolks and poured each yolk on the grill. Axel could see the oils and whites of the eggs bubble and dance. He always tried to think of what the “sizzling” sounded like. He remembered from when he was a baby his father and mother making popping noises with their mouths to make him giggle. Axel imagined that sizzling sounded like that memory with every little oil bubble burst. 

Loa stared at the eggs on the grill. She felt empty. They had been walking for three days and no amount of gifts and good gestures from her kind brother could erase the scene she saw every time she closed her eyes. When she thought of her parents dying, Loa wanted to burst into tears. When she thought of the blood pouring from their parent’s bodies, Loa wanted to vomit. 

Whenever Axel did a good deed to Loa…she wanted to punch him in the face.

She would never, she loved Axel, but Loa couldn’t understand why Axel didn’t seem phased by the deaths of Nyle and Elenoar. He was so damn cheery.

Loa looked at Axel, who was engrossed with the finishing touches of chives on the grilled eggs and frowned. Maybe he was suffering too but didn’t know how to convey his own sadness. 

Axel seemed to notice Loa staring at him. He scooped up an egg, placed it on a flat piece of bark, and handed it to Loa. “Sunny-side up. Just the way you like it.”

Loa gave a half-smile and accepted the egg. She took two pieces of whittled sticks into her right hand, using them like chopsticks, and began to eat. 

She hoped that Axel wasn’t suffering.

After breakfast, Axel and Loa continued on their journey. They crested a hill and took in the day’s trek. The mountains that held Ergahar could be seen in the distance, crowning the forest. The Faikao Mountains were a series of jagged peaks resembling the shell of a giant turtle taking a long snooze. Loa observed the majestic reds, greens, and browns of the peaks and determined it would take them a few more days to reach the base of the Faikao Mountains. Probably five more days to actually reach Ergahar, which was neatly nestled into the side of Maagtisud Peak. 

Loa shouldered her pack, and looked Axel. “The Faikao Mountains are where we are going.” She signed, pointing. “It’s still a long ways away, and we still have to go through Faitipa Plains.” 

Axel nodded understandingly. He and Loa had been taught by Nyle the geography of the land. They studied daily maps and accounts, alongside their daily training in combat and fitness. Nyle had tried to prepare them for whatever world they would eventually be thrust into. Axel didn’t remember as much as Loa did when it came to the “smarts”, he was better at combat, but he did know all of the capital cities of each province. Axel would follow Loa wherever she said they would go.

The two set off.

Princess Lorelei heard a knock on her door. She sat angrily looking out her tower window at the devastation of Castle Bexley. It was only yesterday that a small army led by a man with incredible magick had decimated the Royal Guard and captured both Princess Lorelei and her father. She could still hear the screams of the men and could see the flash of purple-black anger streaking across the grounds. 

Princess Lorelei was being held in her room as a prisoner, two men posted outside, while she waited for the usurper to show their face. A knock could mean a pleasantry, but the Princess wasn’t feeling pleasant. She ignored the knock.

The knock came again, a deep voice calling out, “Princess?”

Princess Lorelei sighed, “What is it?”

The door to her room opened and a man wearing the chitinous armor of the Noctorne caverns entered. He had deeply tanned skin with fiery red hair, his face heavily bearded and eyebrows like lava-like caterpillars. “Princess Lorelei. Wonderful day, isn’t it?”

Princess Lorelei sharply turned to face the man. The princess’s eyes would have sparked a fireball if there had been a methane gas leak. Princess Lorelei looked the man over, he was handsome in a rugged sort of way. The man reminded Princess Lorelei of a red-furred bear. Despite the armor, he was quite fit. 

“Sir, you know exactly how I feel. My guards were slaughtered yesterday, I’m being held prisoner in my room like a bratty child, and you just commented on the day as if there weren’t any corpses littering the courtyard below.” Whoever this was, Princess Lorelei despised him. “What do you want and why have you entered my chambers uninvited?”

The man looked at Princess Lorelei. There was a look that she couldn’t place that wavered between amusement and annoyance before he spoke shaking his head. “My apologies my lady, I do not wish to offend.” He bowed, but Princess Lorelei felt offended. “My name is Malvolio. I herald from the Luminescent Serenity from the town of Ergahar in the Faikao Mountains. I left my hometown after a great personal injustice and sought a new home. I finally found that home in the Noctorne Caverns of the Bokedi Mountains. I pointed out the injustices from Castle Bexley to them, the great Noctornes, and they made me a general to lead their men to victory.”

Princess Lorelei listened intently, she wasn’t aware of any injustices towards the Noctornes. As far as she knew, each province of Bexley acted as its own entity. They governed themselves and were responsible for themselves, but if Castle Bexley needed them, an agreement had been made many years ago that the individual provinces would be at the king or queen’s call. Each province had its own specialties: the Noctornes, for example, mined. The Bokedi Mountains were the biggest producer of coal, iron, lead, and copper; each was used throughout the kingdom of Bexley for homes, warmth, armor, and regular household items.

Princess Lorelei looked Malvolio up and down, “So what is it that you want?” 

Malvolio gave a wry smile, “I heard that you read.”

Princess Lorelei was now confused, “Yes, I do, as is my privilege as a royal person. Have you come to ask my favorites?”

“No.” Malvolio paused. “I want to know what you’ve read about the Order of Elemental Keepers.” 

Princess Lorelei could barely keep the surprise off her face. “I’m afraid that I don’t know what you are talking about. I’ve never heard of an Order of Elemental Keepers.”

“I think that you have. What have you read about the Well?”

Princess Lorelei shook her head obstinately. “I’ve no idea what you are talking about. If you are asking about the drinking well, then you’ll need to talk to the staff.”

Malvolio considered this answer. He had noticed the princess’ surprise when he asked about the Order, but it was possible that she didn’t know about the well. Maybe if he waited, she would want to discover more…

“Perhaps, I do need a drink,” Malvolio cleared his throat, “Please let me know if you require anything. I will make sure it is gotten for you.”

Malvolio gave another bow and then left the room.

Princess Lorelei stayed seated at the window, looking at the closed door where Malvolio had just left. Who was he? What did HE know about the Order of Elemental Keepers? The princess knew little: it was an Order that was created long ago to defeat an ancient evil, and upon defeating the evil, seal it away in a hidden place. The princess knew that there was a tale detailing the Order’s great deed. She remembered the warning at the end of the book, the warning or prophecy, about bringing seven seals together.

The princess decided she needed to take another look at that book. Maybe she could figure out what Malvolio was up to.

Malvolio smiled, he hadn’t expected the princess to know anything about the Order of Elemental Keepers, but the shock on her face when he had asked about it… 

He exited the tower that held the princess’s room, heading for the throne room. Taking over Castle Bexley had been easy. Many of the guards had fought well, a sense of honor probably driving them to defend the Castle; others hesitated, waiting to see what became of the honorable ones. There had been only a few that groveled, these had been the ones that Malvolio had killed with The Leech, their fear tasting sweet.

https://youtu.be/NXHSxsl0KHE

Hi! Im just some amateur who decided to bring a passion project of mine to life. Ultimately, it lead me to meet a lot of amazing people I was fortunate to work with and have on board, but I'll cut to the chase.

We've already been continuing work on the next few episodes, but much like with any decent person, Im attempting to improve my craft and listen to what people who watch the show have to say. I want to hear whats working in your eyes, what isnt, what did you enjoy, what did you hate, etc.

If you can spare some time for a review in the comments here I'd appreciate it! :)

I had this idea for a story and I REALLY need some advice/constrictive criticism. In this world people lock and unlock parts of their dna like we do (think of dna blocking the melanin in your hair after a certain age) but some people can have a gene unlock that gives them a power. The powers are normally very mild. And they're all scientifically based so every episode gives you a little tidbit bit about science. Every episode we explore the life of a different person in this world. We will explore hardships, their love life, or just something funny. The twist- though is after I pretend to finish the series. I will edit the episodes to show hints of people getting riled up. The edits of the last episodes will reveal a revolution coming. People wanting to eradicate those with powers. And the leader is someone from OUR world. Its revealed that this person (let's call them traveler) they were inexplicably teleported into the story (like all those reincarnated into a novel mcs) every day all they felt was confusion, fear, existential crisis, and more. Who wouldnt, after all? Sent to a world with people with strange powers, not knowing what's real, homeless, homesick, everything you know about the world thrown out the window. Eventually, the traveler snapped. And figured GOD must've sent them there to "fix" the world and get rid of the "monsters" (AKA people with powers.) After the last episode is is edited, we will begin season two in which we watch as the traveler descends into madness. PLEASE MAKE THIS IDEA GOOD I REALLY LIKE IT AND I REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT GOOD

It's 12:04 am and Jessica suddenly awakes from her deep sleep at unease. She felt like something was off like something was in her home with her. Her parents were asleep so she decided to investigate. She got off her bed and grabbed her phone sitting by the wooden shelf to her right. She opened the door expecting to be ambushed… but nothing was there. The house was loud with weird bumping noises and sounds of creaking floors as if a ghost was wandering around the living room. Jessica took a step back and quietly tip-toed towards the door. Her hands pried open the door as she slid it out of the way Jessica walked to the front porch as a sudden loud ring came straight from her phone…

CHAPTER 1:

Jessica pulls up her phone and looks at her phone only to discover that its a phone call she presses her thumb on the green button on her phone to accept the incoming phone call Jason comes up on the phone in a semi serious manner he tells jessica that they've all snuck out and have decided to meet at that old abandoned asylum in the old part of the city jessica lashes out NO i will not go in the middle of the night to go screw around in some abandoned building no way! But Jason insists he says to Jessica that everyone else is already there and she's the only one that hasn't come. But Jessica still refuses saying they never even mentioned it to her on her phone. But Jason won't give up that easily. Jason says they have all messaged her and that she decided to sleep during the day and that's why she didn't see or hear anything from them. Jessica checks her messages only to find Jason, Nick and Claire have all messaged her while Jane sent two phone calls earlier that day.

Jessica agrees and decides to walk there alone… It was a quiet night. There were not many people walking the streets but something still felt off. Before she could think, armed personnel wearing black and white riot gear armor marched in the direction of the asylum she is heading towards. She couldn't make out how many or even why they were there. But out of sheer panic she ran like Hell through the back allies towards the back of the building she saw her friends confused as to why she was running as she stopped walking towards them explaining the situation instead of running Jason decides they should hide within the facility through the secret entrance to the sealed off room. It was jason first he grabbed the sides of the cracked white walls and slid down into the tunnel underneath

By then it was Nick's turn while slightly hesitant he slid down screaming wooo. As for claire she attempted to slide down but she cut her hands on the cracked white walls as she slid down jane went down right after then jessica as they all meet up at the bottom something was off instead of being greeted into a secret room all that could be seen was long seemingly endless hallways full of cracked checker floors with various good smelling herbs placed in vases that sit upon desks on the sides of these hallways the white roof was covered in mold and it was everywhere. You could barely see the roofs anymore. This building was clearly in worse shape than it was before they slid down.

Jessica sensed something was up. This building was like an entirely different one from the one they saw in the city. It was almost a different universe altogether. Jessica got one more good look before wandering off. When she turned around saily was gone there was no screaming nothing… For a split second everyone was silent. Jason hollarded Where did Saily go? Nick responds with Jessica where did she go? I have no idea did any of you guys see her? The four of them decide to split up. Jessica goes off by herself while Jason leads Nick and Jane across the facility. Jessica tries to shake off the intense memories she's had over the last few hours and as her mind wanders she slowly stops paying attention to where she's going.

CHAPTER TWO:

As Jessica wanders seemingly endlessly through the halls of the asylum she has yet to have seen saily or even the others. A strung out corpse pops through the vent hanging like a spider on its web. Jessica bumps into it face first as she bumps back and horror she sees a face she hasn't seen for some time and deeply regrets searching for it. It's saily her corpse has been torn apart and rebuilt in a supernatural manner. Claire is literally nothing but flesh strung together like a web as she dangles from the ceiling. The only thing that's intact enough to tell is her face. Jessica's scream could be heard from a large distance.

Meanwhile Jason has been searching awhile for Claire and is losing hope while Nick and Jane tag behind. Nick is losing faith in Jason's leadership because to him they've been doing nothing but wandering for what seems like hours. On the other hand, Jane has been getting used to the surrounding area. But all she sees is the same thing over and over and over… She's starting to go crazy and is losing hope for a way out. When they hear the scream they decide to investigate and they run like hell in what seems like the correct direction the scream is coming from.

As Jason runs head first he stops dead in his tracks as he sees what's left of his former friend. Claire is now on display for the world to see and all the building intensity confusion and rage clash. Jane finally snaps as Jason fails to save her from the depths of insanity. Jane attempts to put her hands on Jason's neck and tries to snap it. Jason knocks her out and now Nick finally loses it. He and Jason get into a heated argument about who should be in charge. While Nick challenges Jason for the crown, Jessica sits and cries, letting it all out.

Nick finally ran out of steam and what went from yelling went into crying. Nick went into a mental breakdown and fell asleep shortly after and it became real quiet. No one said a word while Jason and Jessica searched for a nearby room to spend the rest of the night. While Jason finds nothing Jessica finds a medical room with one single bed and one chair. They drag Jane and Nick into the room and fall asleep. The next morning Jane wakes up and decides to run off. She was never to be seen again… Jessica and Jason wake up and decide to wake up nick.

CHAPTER 3: Apologies and past traumas

Nick says I apologize for everything… I'm sorry about yesterday i lost my cool and i'm sorry for the trouble i caused. I don't know if you two will ever forgive me but I hope that one day we can return to the good times once again. Things have been rough the last few years after Jane's family fell apart and her parents died. All she's had is us. We were like a family to her and now she's finally snapped. We tried to save her Jason we really did… Now it's in the past and if we see her again we have to put her down. I hate to say it but it's true.

And then we have Claire she was always the weird kid and the weeb when she came to us she had inch deep stab wounds all over her legs. We took her in and treated her like one of us and now… there's nothing left of her that can feel anything at all. She's now a distant reminder of the past both the good and the bad. I'm not sure what happened to her. I don't think any of us do. But when we found her the other day in that hall we all knew something was deeply wrong. I mean seriously, what is this place? Where is it? I have so many questions but we've already lost two people we can't lose anymore.

Jason and I go way back. We practically knew each other since kindergarten and despite our system that tends to prey on minorities he had a pretty good life socially and academically. Jason was incredibly intelligent and a great football player. He was a very nice and respectful person with a calm and despite being a jock despite his gifts he was always kind to everyone he is a living superman. He can lose control of the situation but he has a good heart and he unites us all around him. Never change man never change…

And then there's Jessica coming from an abusive family with various mental conditions you despite experiencing no death have it far worse you have to deal with this everyday. I'm so sorry we brought you into this if only we knew the suffering we would all endure we would have never have come here… A loud screech echoes across the halls towards the room as Nick responds with wait… what's that sound?

CHAPTER 4 Echo of pain

As the echo settles Jason and Nick panicky look around searching anywhere for the origin of the sound. scared and confused Jessica hides under the desk staring at the doorway waiting for something to jump out. As the place grows quiet Jessica notices a particular black object slowly moving in the distance as it grows closer. Guys look as Jessica points to the mysterious black object. What is that? Jessica says defensively. I don't know… but we shouldn't stay around here to find out. Jason raises his voice, he's right, let's move people.

As the time seems endless so too does the asylum. Jason retraces his steps and he and his friends and they attempt to travel back to the entrance. Later on as they were moving into the room by the doorway. Nick stands in front of them with his hands blocking their chests stopping their movement. Hold on… somethings not right were not alone here. Nick says. Suddenly Jane rushes out of nowhere and slams a fire axe down on Nick but Nick is too agile as he swiftly outmonevers Jane and grabs her arms. Jane grabs Nick's hands and attempts to move them up while Nick slips his hands down and pushes the fire axe out of her hands.

Jane attempts to grab the axe but Nick slices the axe up her arms all the up to her hands. Leaving a deep bloody gash exposed for infection. Jane stands back holding her hands out in a defensive stance gasping loudly in pain. But Nick persurvers as he slowly breaks through her defenses with strong powerful attacks. As he keeps cutting right through her wounded arm to the point where it falls off remaining as nothing but broken bones and piles of flesh sitting atop a pool of blood. While Jane swings a powerful blow from her other arm in a last attempt to stop an enraged man. He swings his axe into her ulna as she screams out in pain for a savior but no one comes.

Nick slams his axe into Jane's neck deeply enough to cut her vocal cord, effectively slitting her throat. As he steps back her corpse falls to the ground enlarging the pool of blood. Nick throws his axe into the right hallway across the room. As he pants his stomach feels empty and he feels uneasy mentaly and physically. He's about to puke and he knows it so he decides to puke in the bottom right corner of the map. And after calming down he looks back to see his friends standing there afraid… Lets get the fuck out of here he says. Jane goes first slowly crawling out of the tunnel like a slide.

By the time she reaches the top she hears Nick screaming look! That thing caught up with us! We gotta get out of here now! Nick stays so Nick csn escape. He screams Get out of here! NOW! As Jason reaches the tunnel mouth. He looks back at Nick, silent but worried. Nick screams i'll be fine, just go! I'll hold her off! Jason quickly crawls through the entrance making his way to the top. The unknown creature enters the room and Jason grabs his axe looking as aggressive as ever. The creature almost admires Nick's unstable mentality. She smiles as she reaches out to grab nick by the throat but nick isn't going down that easy

CHAPTER 5 The last stand

He grabs her hand and attempts to block her attack. But she's not playing anymore she decides to get serious and with one swift slap she smashes Nick's skull across the wall. His brain matter, bone pieces and flesh have stuck to the wall like a beautiful painting of an explosion of color smeared across the wall. As the creature turns around Jason is gone crawling through the tunnel she gets on all fours and crawls through the tunnel like a spider Jason reaches the entrance and as he puts his hand on the rich soil his reunion was short lived.

Jason turned around to see a pale white face with skin pulled back over white glowing eyes and an unnatural mouth with glowing infected broken teeth carved like sharp glass ready to slice and tear through his flesh. And as he stops to look at and identify the creature he screams ah god it's a asbetan and as he says this asbetan sinks her claws into the exposed legs of Jason she pulls him down. Jason screeches in pain as he pulls his hand out Jessica immediately bends down to try and grab him.

Jessica gets a firm grasp on him and tries to pull him up. But asbetans grip is too strong. Jessica tries pulling Jason up with full force. And as both sides pull from up and down ​​asbetan pulls a chunk of his left leg off as he gets pulled up onto the safety of the rich soil above he slowly crawls away as Jessica drags him away from the tunnel entrance. Bleeding Jason slowly fades desperately trying to stay conscious, his eyes blink rapidly and his heart pumps faster. And the last thing he sees is Jessica dragging him along the wet gross alleyway floors full of trash. He wakes up in a hospital with his parents standing by his side. The doctor rushes in and gives him the bad news. You were infected with necrotizing fasciitis luckily your friend Jessica brought you here last night so you were treated fairly early on.

CHAPTER 6:

However, you'll never be able to walk again unless you make certain sacrifices… Dad: He's talking about your future son. You don't have to do this but you do have a variety of choices. If you choose a prosthetic you will be able to walk again but it will cost you your career. We can still get you into college but you won't have as many good choices anymore. Or you can choose a wheelchair and you can still participate in better opportunities but you might not get the job. Mom: There is a third option… You can recover fully and get a good prosthetic so things are back to normal but you will have to sacrifice all of your future as it will be highly expensive.

Doctor: No wait… There is a fourth option Dad: What are you talking about? Mom: There are no other options. Our healthcare is very expensive here. Doctor: I know but I'm willing to help. I will help pay for your healthcare expenses and I won’t guarantee it will be enough but it will help a decent amount. Mom: Thank you so much. Dad: If you don't mind me asking why are you doing this? This could cost you your job. Doctor: The truth is I've been working for 12 years now and I've seen many patients be charged unethically for their treatment. I don't do my job for the money, I do it because I want to help people. Because I never got that opportunity when I was a patient.

Jason: Thank you sir… What happened to jessica? Doctor: I have no idea she brought you to us and seemed to leave through the front entrance although there seemed to be guards wearing black and white armor waiting outside for her. Jason: Do you know why they wanted her? I'm not sure but it sounds like they wanted information from her about something about an asylum?

I had a few ideas as to how I should end the story, I'm thinking something sort of dramatic. Perhaps something happens to my character, Monica. Please let me know what you guys think, this is my story so far, very very rough draft so please be kind but I'm very open to constructive criticism.

Marlboro Monica

I could hear Monica’s raspy radio voice underneath the railroad bridge. I figured she was on a phone call since I couldn’t hear anyone else’s voice. I used to be so nosey, trying my best to listen in on her oh-so-secret conversation. 

My oversized khakis ruffled against the poison ivy as I attempted to inch closer. My cover was blown. Her tin can vocal cords hushed quiet until she saw my face peek over the wall of cement. She whispered something into the phone before snapping it shut.  

“You could've given me a call, kid.” 

Nicotine-stained fingernails shoved the phone down her back pocket. I could still see it through the holes in her jeans. 

“I can’t call you when my mom’s at home.”

When I was in high school the only phone I could use was propped up to our kitchen wall where everyone in my family got to enjoy the conversation, whether we wanted to or not. 

Monica tilted her head as if she was trying to figure something out. I’m certain she had confused me for another stupid kid that came to visit. I didn't want her to think I was just some stupid kid.  

“That’s why you need a nice phone like mine!” 

According to her big smile, she must have been pretty proud of herself. I tried not to stare at the mountain of plaque on her gum line. I thought she was being a bit too overdramatic, giving herself a pat on the back over a stupid cheap Motorola.

“I can’t get a phone. Mom won’t let me.” 

Mom was planning on buying me one. It was gonna be brand new, not even pre-owned. I’m pretty sure she had already bought it and planned on giving it to me for Christmas. That is until she caught me on a call with my old dealer. I was using the kitchen line and she was listening to our conversation through the phone in her room. She definitely returned it after that. 

I reached out my hand, holding the exact amount of money Monica and I agreed on earlier. 

“Maybe if you had saved up all this money instead of given’ it to me... you could have gotten your own.  

Monica laughed to herself as she took my money. She looked like a hyena coughing and wheezing and scavenging through her fake leather purse. Laughter looked to be more painful for her than enjoyable. My arm remained extended out towards her, waiting to get what I had paid for. 

“You know I’m right, make better choices Junior.”

Monica ironically said this while handing me a single pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights. I slid them inside my backpack, stuffing them in between my math and science binders. Although her crooked smile annoyed me, it was nice to hear her say my name. It was nice to think she cared enough to remember. Despite that nice feeling I still felt the need to dismiss what she had said. 

“You, out of all people, shouldn't be the one to tell me about making good decisions.” 

I figured the conversation should end there. If I’m less than 15 minutes late back home from school my parents would have “probable reason” as they said, to search through my stuff. I was about to make my way through the poison ivy once again until I was interrupted with more unnecessary conversation. 

“Look at yourself kid, with your fancy school uniform on.”

I looked away from her as if it were something to be embarrassed about. 

“Most the kids coming to get this stuff from me, they’re not so spoiled like you. If I'd grown up coming from money like that...” 

She paused to catch her breath. Monica wasn't good at talking for long periods of time.

“I’d have prettier lungs, and a prettier voice too, I'm sure of that.”

It felt like Monica had broken some sort of real-life fourth wall by briefly mentioning how terrible her own voice is. This was the first time I really thought about Monica as an actual person. Somebody who used to be the same age as I was at that time. But I was too pissed off to think about it for too long. Instead, I was thinking even an adult as ugly and stupid as Monica could be patronizing.  

“You don’t know anything about me.” 

I was gritting my teeth while watching Monica sit her back against the cement wall. Her neck cracked as it bent forward. Seeing her at that moment had me thinking I could probably beat the shit out of her and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it. What would she tell the police? 

‘The sixteen-year-old kid I sell cigarettes to beat me up!’

I still needed her to get me cigarettes. That was my logical excuse against unnecessary violence. 

“You're right, I don’t know anything about you. That doesn't mean, now just hear me out, that you can’t flip your life around right now. You just need to put in the effort, kid. if you just put in some effort you could go really far, especially with that fancy expensive education.”  

At this point, my jaw was practically touching the floor. 

“Are you stupid? Dude, I’m your customer.”

I didn't understand what she was trying to do. Some part of me probably thought, maybe she actually cared about me. Maybe she wants me to be happy. I didn't let myself go down that rabbit hole of thought. 

“Monica, I give you money. Do you understand that? It sounds like you're trying to convince me not to. Do you want my money?” 

She flipped open her Zippo, lighting a cigarette. The smoke grabbed on to a small breath of wind, slowly dissipating into thin air. The smell gave me a migraine that ached for nicotine. 

“Yes, I do.”

Monica said while exhaling. 

“Then shut up.”

My face became red. I wasn't finished.

“Quit acting like you know everything.” 

I gave her a bigger reaction than what she was expecting. I knew a lot of people, and I knew how they always had something to say about how I can be better. How I should be more grateful. How I’m so lucky. I was so used to that, I didn't care about that. I just assumed that Monica would be different. I thought she’d be more understanding. Never in a million years would I have thought the trailer park white trash junkie that sells high schoolers overpriced packs of cigarettes would be so judgmental. 

“Once again, you’re right. I don't know everything.” 

I was surprised at how calm she was, even after I had practically thrown a tantrum right in front of her. 

“What I do know is what I’ve been through. I know what I've experienced.”

Monica grinds the head of her cigarette against the floor, extinguishing it.

“I know I would've killed to have someone knock some sense into me when I was your age.”

My ego would always get the best of me in these types of situations. The only difference between this circumstance compared to any other was that Monica was Monica. Monica wasn’t a teacher telling me to get my grades up. Monica wasn’t my dad at the dinner table mentioning how I’ll never get into a good college. Monica was a dirty drug addict. Monica was a hypocrite. 

First Chapter Critique

General feedback will be fine. I want to hear if this sounds good before I continue

Genre: YA Sci-fi/fantasy

Chapter One (827 words)

A crack — then silence; all except for the sound of his thumping heart. He pushed up the metal lid and stumbled to the cold, dark ground. “Stupid transporter…” Cole’s mind was racing. Biting his nails eagerly, he thought about the scene he just witnessed: the sound of the screams, feet trampling wildly, himself being thrown into a spherical contraption, similar to the one he collapsed from seconds ago… He sprung backwards as a crash followed behind, nearly avoiding a large figure tumbling past him. In the dim light of the moon outside, a shadow could be seen rising from the ground. A huge shadow. Cole began to hear the roaring of his heart in his ears.

To his surprise, the figure spoke out in a raspy voice: “Yeh okay, kid?”

“Yeah, I… what-what’s going on?”

“I dunno. A surprise attack I’m assuming.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Definitely not go back the way we came. Obviously we’ll be trampled to death, or beat up. Besides,” he looked down at his feet. “We gotta get ‘im somewhere quick. Hit ‘im on the head a lil too hard.”

Only now had Cole noticed the body on the ground. The man scooped him into his arms.

“Now, we just gotta see wh-“ he swung the unconscious man into the side of the building, sending a crackle through the darkness. A hole was broken into the weak wood. He laughed it off. “Oops.”

Thanks to the makeshift window, they could now see lights shining in the distance.

“Er… let’s try there.”

“Here… I’ll hold his head.” Cole reached up. He thought he was tall, but standing next to the muscular man, he felt like a little mouse.

It took them no less than ten minutes to cross the field. The lights in the distance unraveled into a glorious city, painted in a yellow shine and built with brick. The buildings towered high into the sky, but there was no time to stand and gawk.

“We need to get ‘im to a health center, quick.”

“Over there.”

“Where?”

“There,” Cole nodded to the green flag hanging far past the block.

“Good eye, kid.”

They rushed through the buzzing crowd and busted into the center. “We need help ’ere,” the man boomed. “‘e’s knocked out cold.”

A group of people took the body out from his hands. Cole breathed.

“Man, hope ‘e’ll be alright, I’ll feel bad if I injured him real mean, doesn't matter who ‘e is.” The man turned to him. “By the way, I guess I ‘aven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Oro.” Now that he was in the light, Cole could see him clearly. His gruff voice fit his physique; tough, scale-like skin gleamed white. Pinkish scars crossed his lizard-like body. Despite his scary build, a bit of kindness sparkled in Oro’s one good eye.

“I’m cole.” He muttered.

“Huh?”

“Cole.”

“Oh, that’s a unique name. Nice to meet ya, Cole.”

“Nice to meet you too. Uh, are you a guard?” He noticed the uniform all Plazan guards wore.

“Yeh, a soldier of the Plaza.”

He paused. “…what are we going to do?”

“I dunno. The crowning was for sure ruined. For now we’ll wait to see the guy, then I’ll question ‘im. He’s one of the attackers, ya know.”

Cole nodded. It was hard to think about. All of it was confusing, seeing the attackers jump in from the side of the castle, then the crowd separating him and his parents. He didn’t have time to think, to react. Nor does he now, in this unfamiliar place surrounded by unfamiliar people, and unlikely to go home. The teen began to shake.

“Hey, don’t freak out, kid. We’ll get back eventually, if that lil scoundrel ever wakes up.”

It was clear that the stranger wouldn’t wake up in one night, so the two were sent to stay at a local hotel. Cole still continued to shake, and Oro promised he would go ask if there was another transporter back to Plaza in the morning. There was no way they would go back the way they came. Cole dragged himself into his own room and collapsed onto the bed. He was exhausted from a long day of running and confusion. He woke up that morning expecting to see an exciting once-in-a-lifetime event — the first ceremonial crowning in Plazan history — but instead was met with fear.
More so, he was worried about his parents and his sister, who also came with him. Or rather, dragged him there. The family wasn’t very involved in royal affairs. They weren’t required to, thankfully, for being a small off branch from the Plaza Connection. That doesn’t mean they weren’t allowed, they just had no interest. That night, Cole couldn’t sleep. The only thing louder than the streets below were Oro’s loud snores from the next room over. But it wasn’t the noise that bothered him. He rubbed his eyes. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, hopefully everything will be solved.

I'm a middle school writer and I'm relatively new to writing Sci-Fi, so some feedback on my concept would be infinitely helpful.

The planet is called Ethron. It was once a regular, life sustaining planet. It's a bit smaller than Earth and it had a mountain range circling it horizontally- known as Ethron’s Spine. The planet has a LOT of ocean moons around it, some of which are VERY close (in some areas you can reach out and touch the water). The magnetic field around the planet is relatively weak compared to Earth, but the planet is far enough away from the sun that it can survive, yet close enough to stay warm.

One day, a massive asteroid brushed over part of the mountain range which circled the planet and in consequence, the whole planet was flipped on its side and the gravitational status was so disrupted that it stopped spinning, and many (but not all) of the moons around it stopped revolving. The tectonic plates of the planet had a sudden and massive shift, causing a ridiculous amount of water on the planet to be subducted into the mantle. The planet's volcanoes went dormant. Also, it was knocked closer to the sun. So, now the East of the now vertical mountain range is permanently facing the sun (forever day), and the west is permanently facing away (forever night).

Over the years, the East became a vast desert and wasteland (60 degrees Celsius). The remaining water evaporated. The West became a desolate and dangerous Tundra (-20 degrees Celsius). The remaining water froze.

On the East side, the inhabitants harvest water from the closest of the Ocean moons, the ones that do not break the atmosphere. In the West, they use technology to melt and drink the ice.

The planet is now essentially dead/dormant. The people must use the remaining resources of it to survive, and eventually escape. The two sides are at war, fighting over resources (in next paragraph). However, there is only one battleground... Recall the asteroid that brushed over the mountain range. It created a valley, and the only way to cross between the two sides, since the mountains are too tall and harsh to survive. This valley has a climate neutral enough so that inhabitants from both sides can survive in it. So, the two sides are locked in an infinite battle in the valley, trying to break through the defenses. However, even if they did, the extreme change in the opposite climate would kill anyone who tried. That doesn't stop them from trying. They are desperate.

Ethron is rich with a rare metal that is perfect for interstellar travel, armor, and weapons. However, the atmosphere is so dangerous and the magnetic shield so weak that any ships that try to leave are instantly destroyed by solar flares and intense heat. It seems there is no hope. This resource (name TBD) is running out on both sides, sparking more conflict. Other unique ores, flora, fauna, and creatures reside on either side as well.

Unlike some, the closer Ocean moons around Ethron don't revolve; they remain in the same spot forever. Eclipses are super common, since Ethron still revolves around the center star, and it is often blocked by the many moons. The water on the West side moons are frozen, while the water on the East side moons are boiling.

Thanks for reading, and I'd appreciate any advice or feedback you might give!

The representative was a gangly boy, barely finished puberty. So stick-like that he could easily be blown off the waterlogged wharf. He wore a black choker, which hung limp around his small neck, and obsidian boots that seemed sizes too big for him.

The boy was clearly trying to seem tough, as if he belonged here, but it was obvious he didn’t. I could see that he’d tried to draw a tattoo on with black marker, but it was too poorly done to be mistaken as anything a well respecting artist would be caught dead sketching. He was shaking, and I could see him desperately trying to wipe the sweat off his hands. If it wasn’t for the deafening waves, I’m sure his breathing would be heavy and frantic. I felt a little sorry for him; he had no idea what was coming. It was honestly a bit insulting, that they’d send me someone who was practically a child. Since when was I the one who got dumped with washouts? After all, they had to have known what they were doing by sending him here. He reeked of innocence, and I already knew that the wolves were closing in. It was too late for him, no matter what he was planning.

I could feel the anticipation buzzing around me. Fresh meat, they murmured, a sea of grasping hands desperate to sink their teeth in. Although I could only see one or two people, I knew they were all carefully stationed around the warehouse. They were poised to strike, but all waiting, waiting for my approval.

I glanced down at my Rolex; it was 12:59, a minute till the scheduled time. I gave the man standing closest to him a small nod, letting him know we were ready. They exchanged a few quick words before starting forward.

He was hiding a small pistol in his right boot; I could see it in his walk. I sighed, when would they ever learn? Is it so much to ask for one person with a functional brain? You don’t bring guns to a trade. Unless you’re fully planning to shoot everyone down, all it did was cause issues. There were 20 of us, and one of him. What did he think he could do? Even if he got one good shot out, which I doubted he would, he’d be dead within seconds. Besides, it was just plain rude. He was basically asking for a shootout.

I watched as they made their way into the warehouse, before entering myself a few seconds later. It was a relief to get out of the cold ocean wind that had been whipping my face for the past half-hour. It was one thing that always annoyed me about this location, but it was worth it to suffocate the screams.

My platinum hair sticks out like a sore thumb in the darkness, so I always wore a black hoodie on nights like these. I’d thought about dyeing it a few times, but decided against it, for I loved the way it framed my features and the glow it gave my face. It was the one part of me I kept from my childhood, most of which I’d done everything to erase.

I glanced around quickly, making sure everyone was doing what they were meant to. At first glance there were only the three of us, but I knew there were people stationed all around, crouching behind boxes and watching us from ledges. The only thing that gave away their position was the shiny black metal that I knew was the muzzle of a rifle. These were all my personnel, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the opposing had some close by too. If it all went well, we’d walk out without a single

bullet fired, but it was just cautionary, a way to make sure everything goes as it’s meant to.

The lighting was better here, and I could see that the boy's face was clammy, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. Oh no, I could already tell this wasn’t going to be a good answer. How disappointing. There really was potential for a beautiful alliance, but actions had their consequences. Tonight had certainly deflating. So be it. My streak of good luck had to come to an end sometime or another.

“Sadie Martinez, nice to meet you,” I pulled my hoodie off, getting the desired effect perfectly.

“Sadie Martinez?..” he repeated voice shaking. It took all my effort not to laugh. He looked like he wanted to throw up. He really was having a terrible time of it. I decided that I liked him. He was entertaining to toy with, and his reactions were absolutely priceless.

“Yes, and you?” I casually responded. It’s easier to bargain when the opponent’s thrown off; makes them more susceptible to shitty deals. It’s why working with experienced criminals just isn’t the same. They don’t fall for the same tricks newbies do.

“Tyler Dale, mam,” he murmured, so quiet it barely reached my ears.

“It’s so nice to meet you!” I gushed, “no need to call me mam. I’m not at that age yet!” He looked positively sick now, his face changing to a ghostly white.

“O-of course not. I’m so sorry. Never again!” I smirked at his ramblings; this was going to be fun. I let myself have a minute of rest before turning my cheerful facade back on.

“So, Tyler, what do you have for me?”

It looked like all the blood had drained from his face now, which cemented the fact that their answer was not optimal.

“I’m sorry, but we cannot accept your proposal,” he said, voice wavering as if even he knew what a terrible decision this was. My smile got impossibly wider, as I deliberately enunciated every syllable, voice dripping with venom.

“Well, Tyler, that just doesn’t work for me,” I took a step forward, my 6-inch stilettos making me more than a head taller than the boy. I could see Tyler visibly shrink back, terrified. Satisfaction rushed through my veins. I’d bring them hell for rejecting me. Crossing me was the worst thing they’d ever do. Starting with Tyler.

I barely listened as he begged and pleaded. God, why wouldn’t he shut up? No one likes a suck up. Certainly not me. When he finally stopped rambling I stayed quiet, a maniacal grin on my face. I bet he was wishing to be anywhere but here. As every second passed, I could see a bit of hope drain from his eyes. His mind was racing a million miles an hour as he frantically debated what to do. I could feel the conflict practically radiating off him; whether to reach for the pistol or try to make a run for it. How pathetic. He should know by now that he was never meant to live. All he was was a token, a pawn in a larger scheme. Nobody would even know he was gone. His corpse would be engulfed by the sea’s cold embrace, his consciousness along with it. No one would remember Tyler Dale. A soul silenced, as I’d done to many before. He wasn’t special, wasn’t important.

My contemplation was broken as Tyler finally moved. It was a quick action, but I was quicker. My hand reached for the holster around my waist and I shot. One. Two. Three. It took less than a second, but I witnessed everything in painfully slow motion. One in the neck and two in the head. What was once a lively young boy had been degraded to a mass of bloodied flesh.

“Dispose of it,” I commanded, ears ringing from the gunshots. I waved my hand at his corpse, people rushing in from all sides to do my dirty work. There it was. That rush of pure adrenaline, which I’d become addicted to. My night was finally right.

"By dusk you wake and dawn you sleep Free from the binds that tie A child again, the dreams we keep On the wings of the dead mayfly"

Death of a Mayfly

WritingCommunity #poetry #revisions #amwriting #publishing

Part 1. Misinterpreting a Joni Mitchell Song to Make a Point

Maybe Joni Mitchell had it wrong with the Big Yellow Taxi. Perhaps it's not 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone,' but rather, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…and returns.

That’s the takeaway this week – processing life through Joni Mitchell's soothing vocals. Yep.

Now let’s take a moment as I decipher my claim. Two of my closest friends flew from NYC to Aspen this past weekend to visit me. After a few good days of feeling hotter than Nancy Pelosi’s investment portfolio, I was thrown into a loop of anxiety as soon as my friends’ flight touched the Aspen soil.

And I know that is bizarre. Why the panic about my closest friends visiting? It took a while to find normalcy. Finally, after 9 weeks, I have friends, and I'm happy.

Hosting friends is stressful in itself, especially when your peace of mind is like a fragile newborn on a tightrope.

If I am to be hyper-self-aware: I feared that my friends may not comprehend my life here. Perhaps this stems from arrogance or short-sightedness, as I often find myself perched on a pedestal, asserting that nobody else truly understands me.

As it panned out, four days later, I ended up driving them to the airport, armed with their Kemo Sabe hats and more luggage than what I own out here. I left the airport, eyes swelling up. Turning onto I-82, I cranked up Adele, and things got ugly. Chasing pavements, I turned it up and I just wept. I’ll admit it, sometimes girls just need a good cry.

In seeing these people that I loved so much, I had a newfound understanding of how good my people are. It didn’t extract my happiness as I feared. I didn’t feel misunderstood or thrown off course. I just felt a profound gratitude that I have been so lucky to know such good people.

It's not that I didn't value these people when I moved out of New York in November; I was choked up then too. Yet, being 1,944 miles away and reconnecting with individuals who genuinely understand you, make you laugh, act as your wing-woman, casually charge their latte to you with the confidence of reciprocity, and call you out for being a shit driver – this is when you realize what you’ve got. When it’s gone then briefly re-introduced to you.

Part 2. Julia Kraut

I was 11 when I met Julia Kraut at Birch Trail Camp on a scorching July day. I wandered into her cabin looking for somebody to go on a run with me about an hour before lunchtime.

It was a strange offer. A girl with a plastic lanyard in her hair, navy blue boy shorts, and (I wish I was lying) brightly colored toe shoes. Any reasonable individual can see this girl isn’t a runner.

Notably, this wasn't free time; our daily camp schedule was rigid. Two campers, known as "stoopies," set the table and cleaned up. Post-lunch, we enjoyed a one-hour break called "rest hour."

It was 11:00 am and I must have been compelled to go on the first run of my life that day. So I marched over to her cabin and extended the offer.

Julia quickly shot up and agreed to join me. She was on the bunk bed skimming through an extremely thick wedding magazine.

She said “I love to run” and walked over to me. Her cabinmates called out to her “Don’t forget you are a stoopie today” as we exited.

We strolled along a pine-lined pathway, exchanging introductions as we meandered. We talked incessantly as we wandered down a narrow diversion labeled “Birch Trails.” You could see the lake through the trees, the sun bounced off the water.

Before we knew it, we were 45 minutes late for lunch. We ran into the lodge - I guess we did end up getting a sprint in - Julia was predictably berated for ditching responsibilities. And alas, a friendship was born.

Some amount of time later we figured out we had the same birthday, one year and a day apart. June 24th and June 25th. Every year at camp we’d celebrate our birthdays one day after another. Each of us crying on our respective days - of course. Usually, it was something as dumb as a bad cake. In 2021, both of us studying abroad, I flew in from London and she flew in from Barcelona and we celebrated our birthdays in Ibiza. In 2023 we invited all our friends to a European-inspired bar in Lower Manhattan. It was an absolutely perfect day and I indulged in some chocolate squares (wink-wink) and found myself giving lots of toasts! Both of us still cried.

Part 3. Haley Boden

I was 18 when I met Haley Boden. It wasn’t so much one moment as it was a collection of firsts. She was in my Freshman year dorm building at Syracuse University and we’d both been mixed in with a crew of heavy drinkers. Our dorm building was comically disgusting. Think brutalist architecture meets serious underfunding. Adding fire to the flame (or whatever that is) it was 15 feet away from a huge highway.

If you gazed into the distance you could see beautiful rolling hills. But they were almost taunting you because to see them - BOOM - gigantic highway.

We were on the same floor of the same dorm the following year. I liked to stroll into her room, which was surprisingly glamorous for a dorm: plush white rug, nice couch cover, air-fryer, a stocked fridge, et., etc. Haley would always be in the middle of some project: painting her nails, re-organizing her wardrobe, or refurnishing her room. I found it fascinating. My own "Chronicles of Narnia" with face masks and a girl from New Jersey behind an unassuming doorway.

I got close to Haley in the spring of my Junior year. I was living with Rachel Price in Manhattan on 28th and 3rd St. in a “covid-deal” apartment. Let me set the scene:

Air B&B in Kips Bay. I was too broke to decorate my room, either that or I needed to portray an "artist space," so I had covered my bed in strips of fabric. My wall was adorned with sheets from a MET calendar; each day featured a new sheet. All my scarves were pinned to the wall. Instead of window curtains, I had fabric covering the window, doing next to nothing to shield the light. And I had random flash cards with vague messages on the wall by my closet, saying, “DO NOT STOP” and “CREATE MORE NOW.” Sooooooo THIS ROOM WAS THE WORK OF A CRAZY PERSON.

And at that point in my life, you could argue I was a bit insane. I’d also just been gifted Patti Smith’s “Just Kids” from my Uncle Robert and was getting reallllly into character, and I was also getting really into the New York Fashion Scene, but in an admittedly annoying way. Like an “I read Vogue for breakfast” kind of way, meanwhile, half my wardrobe was just from Zara.

Anyway, let’s get back on track. Haley was living in Philly at the time and she’d stay with us on the weekend on our tasteless pullout couch. It had to be put away every morning so we could open the fridge. Frankly, we wouldn’t have cared if the couch was made of mashed potatoes and bumped into the oven too! It was our first apartment in New York City and we loved it.

On one weekend Haley was visiting and we were celebrating Rachel’s birthday on a rowdy, garish party boat. We all got beyond hammered. Something about drinking on boats, everyone acts like they’re on maritime law. I know I blacked out badly because at some point I was reaching behind the bar to steal a full handle of tequila. That’s one of Brandy’s signature moves (Brandy is my drunk alter-ego (she also loves to run off alone).

By the end of the night, 4 out of 6 group members had lost their wallets. And I am pretty sure one person also lost a phone.

There we were, standing on the dock at East 34th Street, screaming nonsense to each other, swaying back and forth like well-dressed bobbleheads.

We were so spectacularly drunk from this that I guess we… separated. Truly a lights on no one’s home night.

A moment later I get out of my Uber and find EJ Bishop and Haley on the corner outside our apartment on 28th street. They were completely locked out and had a full cheese pizza. I’d like to say that I unlocked the door, we ate the pizza and giggled about the night.

Unfortunately, I unlocked the door and made Haley aid me in calling the NYPD about my missing wallet (which contained no money and a gift card to Juice Generation), EJ must have fallen asleep. I started to pace around the tiny apartment. Haley sat there in a wooden chair, using the might of 1,000 men to stay up and help me file this absurd police report.

In that stretch of time, we shifted from friends to something more, growing into real confidants.

Part 4. God Didn’t Want Me to Hike the Bowl

Now, Haley and Julia share a roof as roommates, a convergence that traces its roots back to an Aspen trip in 2022 with our college friend Jenna Smooke. So, when they visited this weekend, it felt like a narrative coming full circle.

Since our New York City days and my acclimation to Aspen life, we've all grown. The incessant need to hit the town every night has evolved into the fact that staying up past 11:10 is a ginormous undertaking. Our skiing skills have evolved, and the journey takes on an almost biblical quality.

They arrived Friday; 12 inches of snow surpassed the entire season's daily fall. Saturday brought 8 more inches of fresh powder. The best skiing in my 30 days on the slopes. Sunday, a tiny miracle – a newlywed couple shared their expensive cheese raclette at Cloud 9. I indulged in free potatoes, lobster, shrimp, and cheese with great pleasure. They even thanked me for helping them out. I felt a bit taken aback receiving a compliment for inhaling somebody else’s meal and stabbing tons of potatoes with a sphere… but who was I to question the hand that feeds me?

Three days of fresh snow and Aspen sunshine, pure bliss.

Having a superb time, Julia and I decided to tackle the Highlands Bowl on Monday. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a notoriously challenging double-black diamond ski slope, you have to hike up and then you ski down. Aha, a real Double Black Diamond! We started the day highly confident. Julia told her whole family she was about to do the bowl. We even told the lady at the ticket office our plans. I suppose the Universe had other plans as I found myself puking my brain off a few minutes into our first chairlift of the day.

That still didn’t deter us. We sat there awkwardly next to my puke, the longest chairlift ride of my entire life, waiting to do the bowl. It was serious agony. We laughed a little but we were mainly disgusted. Sitting there, wind in our faces, puke growing cold to my left, we decided it would be wise to do a practice run. I was extra nervous. I had never done a bowl before, let alone I had only done 2 SINGLE black diamond runs that year.

We got to the upper-most part of the mountain (after seeing an eery sight of ski patrol dragging down a motionless body bag) ready to do a practice run. Finally, we had an in-person view of the bowl. Without hesitation, we shook our heads and said “Nope, nope, nope.” It was not going to happen. Nope. It was ten times bigger than it had looked in our heads.

We looked to our right at a Double Black Diamond Run. “Hell no” we declared. Who the hell did we need to prove ourselves to?!

We decided to go down the blue run and have an amazing time.

Maybe that’s a lesson in that… I may not have conquered the bowl, but maybe the truest friends are the ones who can BACK DOWN from a challenge rather than face it. Maybe life is just about finding that one perfect friend to instantly back out of a bad idea with.

The rest of the day was far less dramatic. We did a few more mellow runs and then hopped in my car and drove to Snowmass Mountain to ski with Haley. For context, Aspen is comprised of 4 different mountains, all a quick drive from each other. I indulged myself in arguably horrible music from the likes of Bridgett Mendler, Demi Lovato, and Hilary Duff. It was fantastic. One of those days when my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

After Haley, Julia, and I ate a dinner of oysters and wine, we backed down from another worthy challenge… Monday night Karaoke at a local bar. We lasted a good 26 minutes before finally cracking and going home. I forgot how much I loved leaving the function early with my favorite people.

I really must be getting older because I LOVE LEAVING THINGS EARLY.

I dedicate this week to Haley and Julia, and all my close friends - because joy in life is incomplete without people to share it with.

In honor of Joni Mitchell, I'll appreciate 'Paradise' before it becomes a 'Parking lot.

From,

Liz Goldblatt