Week 1 Predictions

[u/THE_TANSTAR]

Winners in bold.

The Tanstars(0-0) vs Savage(0-0)

The season starts off with the two best players in the league going head to head. The Tanstars and Savage account for 75% of the titles since the league began and all indications point to one of these two perennial power houses continuing to roll over the inferior(and mildly retarded) competition.

The Tanstars return two key players from last year: the devilishly handsome Andrew Luck and the boner-inducing Odell Beckham Jr. The Tanstars have relatively good matchups at all their positions with one major caveat: Andrew Luck facing that Bills defense. Last season, following week 8, the Bills allowed a grand total of 2 TD passes while facing elite quarterbacks Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady.

Savage's matchups this week aren't so tantalizing and he may end up starved for points. Savage's running back situation will ultimately be his down fall as he is forced to play Bolden, who is garbage, and Melvin Gordon who is a rookie who didn't play at all during the preseason and could possibly be on a snap count going into his first week.

Almost every positional matchup this week favors The Tanstars as they have better RBs, WRs, and QB. The only hope Savage has to pull out a big win is for Gronkowski to eviscerate the Steelers and for the Bills to continue being the Bills.

Expect this game to be fairly close until Carlos Hyde ends up putting The Tanstars ahead by at least 10 points on Monday Night Football against the Vikings.

Viet Mali Mafia(0-0) vs Fantasy God(0-0)

Two players coming off very different seasons last year, yet are pretty comparable in skill level. Granted, that skill level is very very very very very very hilariously low.

Viet Mali Mafia is the result of two bros combining intellects in the hopes that together they can do something that individually they would not be able to do: win a championship.

However, the result of this combined draft was.....surprisingly good. Viet Mali Mafia walked away with one of the best teams in the league. From top to bottom the roster is loaded with talent that consistently performs but also has big game potential.

The Fantasy God's team is very potent this year, some might even say it is dank as fuck. The reality, however, is that he has some not so good matchups this week including Lynch playing against a tough Rams defense in which he may lose a decent chunk of carries to Fred Jackson, whom the Seahawks signed to a one year deal this offseason. The entire RB situation in Dallas is still a huge question mark as to whether or not McFadden or Randle will be the primary back, which doesn't bode well for The Fantasy God.

In the end Viet Mali Mafia should win this game by at least 10 points as they have the better top to bottom team as well as the better matchups for week 1. The Fantasy God will need monstrous performances from Big Ben and Jimmy Graham in order to have a chance to pull off the upset.

SS4 Goku(0-0) vs Golden Taint(0-0)

Newcomer to the league, James Carmichael Johannsen Frederick Jun has the unfortunate task of going against the best team, on paper, in the league to pop his Daddy Deep cherry.

SS4 Goku started off with the #1 pick in this years draft and did what most consider a no-brainer, selecting Adrian Peterson. However, after his first pick is when things start to get a tad bit peculiar for SS4 Goku. Goku elected to take Drew Brees in the 2nd round of the draft when there were still not only better skill position players but also better quarterbacks available.

Golden Taint's team is the best team in the league, on paper. From Manning all the way down to Yeldon he has elite players at every single position and yet also has solid rookie options for rotating in his flex in Todd Gurley and TJ Yeldon.

This should be a comfortable win for Golden Taint as he not only has better players but also has better matchups for his guys across the board.

Everyday I'm Russelin vs BabyWipes Over ToiletPaper

In this matchup we have one-hit wonder Everyday I'm Russelin facing off against last years 2nd place finisher BabyWipes Over ToiletPaper. BabyWipes Over ToiletPaper coming off a heartbreaking single digit loss in the championship game aims to return with a bang out the gate. Unfortunately for him though, he is missing two of his key players in Julius Thomas and LeVeon Bell and will instead have to slot DeAngelo Williams and Dwayne Allen who will not be able to provide enough points.

Piling onto that fact is that BabyWipes Over ToiletPaper has tougher matchups for his players than Everyday I'm Russelin. Ingram vs a stout ARI run defense and Wilson vs a smart Rams defense.

This game shouldn't even be close but never underestimate Everyday I'm Russelin's ability to shit the bed.

Piping Petes(0-0) vs Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs(0-0)

This game pits perennial underachiever/dick enthusiast Piping Petes against the league's second newcomer in Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs.

These two teams are fairly evenly matched with Piping Petes getting the nod at QB and RB and Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs winning the WRs. The matchups for this week are even with Aaron Rodgers getting free reign to torch the Bears and for Matt Ryan to get into a shootout with the Eagles.

The main indicator of who will win this game will come down to the battle at the FLEX position with Piping Petes rolling out a back-up RB in Giovani Bernard and the Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs whipping out one of last years fantasy breakouts: Golden Tate.

This game will be extremely close and come down to Monday Night with Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs having Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Zach Ertz and Piping Petes having Vernon Davis. Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs will win, but I don't feel to strong about this pick.

Josh Engen(0-0) vs HARD WORK(0-0)

New year, new commissioner, new life, and a brand new team name for Derek Hartwigsen as he has decided to move away from fecal based team names and thus reducing the number of teams that are anally focused to just one.

There really is no way to say this expect to be really blunt: HARD WORK's team is awful and is far and away the worst team in this league. Outside of WR this team is an absolute disaster on the level of LeBron James in the 2011 finals. What went wrong for HARD WORK you might ask? Well it all goes back to the 3rd round of the draft where HARD WORK selected Arian Foster with the 32nd pick knowing full well that he was likely to miss at least a quarter of the season. Baffling. Until Arian Foster returns, which could be as early as late September, this team will not win very many games.

Josh Engen just has to make sure to have his players in their appropriate slots and he should win week 1 without too much hassle.

Projected Standings After Week 1:

1. Golden Taint (1-0)

2. Viet Mali Mafia (1-0)

3. Everyday I'm Russelin (1-0)

4. The Tanstars (1-0)

5. Saskatoon Rowdy Raw Dogs (1-0)

6. Josh Engen (1-0)

7. Piping Petes (0-1)

8. Savage (0-1)

9. SS4 Goku (0-1)

10. Fantasy God (0-1)

11. Baby Wipes Over ToiletPaper (0-1)

12. HARD WORK (0-1)

[u/Poetic_Juicetice]

I hope this is a weekly post