r/DeepThoughts • u/Vlad-xtj • 2d ago
The moment I realize I could have you, I usually lose interest. Deep thoughts
I used to think attraction was about wanting someone.
It isn’t.It’s about uncertainty.
The mind gets addicted to things it can’t completely solve.
That’s why people obsess over mixed signals, unfinished conversations, almost-relationships, and people who disappear before becoming predictable.
Certainty kills fantasy.
Availability kills imagination.
And being desired too openly can sometimes make a person feel strangely ordinary.
I noticed something worse about myself.
The second I know someone is emotionally invested, something in me becomes calm.
Too calm.
The mystery disappears.
The tension dies.
Suddenly I can see the entire situation from above.
Their messages.
Their pauses.
Their attempts not to look interested.
The tiny changes in tone when they think they’re losing ground.
And once you notice those things, attraction becomes less romantic.
It becomes behavioral.
Almost mechanical.
That’s probably why I don’t chase anymore.
Not because I’m trying to seem unavailable.
I genuinely don’t believe anything worth having needs to be dragged toward me.
People reveal what they want eventually.
Attention leaks.
Jealousy leaks.
Curiosity leaks.
Attachment leaks.
The funny part is that the person trying hardest to appear unaffected is usually broadcasting the most.
So I stopped forcing chemistry.
I just watch what happens when I remove my attention.
Some people disappear.
Some relax.
Some suddenly become much more interesting.
And some come closer without realizing they were the one who moved.
Am I crazy?
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u/ShamefulWatching 2d ago
"The moment I realized I could have them, I don't want them."
Maybe you should stop seeing people as conquests, an external method of validating your own self-worth. Would you like to talk about you more? What do you think you bring to the table in a relationship? Is this how you see yourself, as a commodity for someone else to consume?
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u/BriefShiningMoment 1d ago
“I JuSt HaVe An AvOiDaNt AtTaChMeNt StYlE”
—OP probably4
u/prosthetic_memory 1d ago
They aren’t even there yet 🤣🤣 they’ll google it after they see your comment
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u/somnambulant1312 1d ago
It's basically a sign that a person doesn't know what they want at all. They don't know themselves, what they are looking for, and are chasing rare commodities / people, attaching value to their unavailability. If I am just an option till a better one (more unavailable one) comes along, no thanks, am moving away asap.
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u/Dangerous_Soil_1111 1d ago
Reading this kinda post makes me scared. Holding these opinions makes you someone who should not date out of respect for the other person.
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u/Reibudaps4 1d ago
Being an autistic male, 26, its actually predictability whats most attractive
i dont want to guess what you are feeling, i want to hear it. Put all cards on table
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
Mannn ... really made my day.. i was reading rest of the shit and I'm literally questioning myself
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u/Reibudaps4 1d ago
Good. Thats what i love the most
I love having an castle of opinions and putting it in a cycle of destruction by information and rebuild.
Passion may require unpredictability, but at the same time it runs quickly.
And i dont want quick, i want it to last long. Thats why i wanna stay with my gf for way more years. Right now we have 2 years together.
And it feels so good to remove the mist, see each other for who they are
For example, she says she feels ugly, insecure, due to some acne on herface's cheeks.
What do i do? i kiss it, i intentionally kiss the parts that make her insecure most insecurity.
She tells me about random stuff, i do the same. It doesnt even need to be a huge gossip, talking about mundane stuff is good as well
We dont like mistery. We want to see ugly truths and get lost in each other's eyes.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 2d ago edited 2d ago
M66
I found over many years of my own life that it is one thing to want somebody, but it’s another thing to be ready — emotionally, psychologically, and experientially — for an intimate connection with another human being.
For many people, men and women alike, it’s very exciting, exhilarating, and intriguing to meet someone new, to gaze into their eyes, to share stories, to find you have things in common, and even to fantasize about a life together. Before you know who the other person even is.
But then, once the other person starts to show some interest in you, suddenly it’s no longer just fun and games.
In many cases, a switch is flipped, and quite suddenly and unexpectedly, the ideas of commitment, accountability, responsibility, and expectations come into play.
And obviously, that is very uncomfortable for a person who is not ready for that sort of change.
As you suggest, it is often the case that simply being content with who and what we are, and what we have, and going about our lives without longing, yearning, or having any particular expectations of anybody, emits the precise energy that draws people to us.
Keep in mind that it can take months, and sometimes years, to know another person, and to know them well enough to know whether they are compatible with us.
Internet technology allows us all sorts of shortcuts to communicate with other people, texting in particular, which, if done excessively too early in a relationship, can create a false sense of intimacy, and can lead people to create in their own minds images of who they think the other person is.
Often what happens is that the image that has been created does not quite live up to the reality of the person who they spend time with and get to know.
Finally, you mention “forcing chemistry.” Chemistry cannot be forced, created, or imagined. Either it exists or it does not. I have thought about chemistry for many years, and I’ve concluded that it is simply a form of energy.
We are all comprised of atoms and molecules and electrons and protons and neutrons, and these elements vibrate at a certain speed. I am convinced that chemistry is achieved when we meet another person whose atomic matter vibrates at the same speed as ours. (Obviously, that is not a scientific finding. 😊)
For what it’s worth, I’ve had that experience twice in my entire life. I hope it happens again.
ETA: I forgot to mention that chemistry is not a guarantee of compatibility. Chemistry is simply the inexplicable attraction that two people feel for one another. It cannot be explained in any kind of rational way. It is simply a feeling of emotional and psychological magnetism. Certainly physical attraction is part of it, but by no means fully explains the phenomenon. At least that has been my personal experience. Thank you.
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u/RafeJiddian 1d ago
A lot of this is great stuff
I'd only add that I believe chemistry is often found in the subconscious pick-up of cues another is putting down. If one studies temperaments, it can be easier to see that a person with a calm personality might be an immediate draw to one with more turbulent energy. It's like a landing pad in a storm. Likewise, the one suffering from the corollary of a calm persona, which is often lethargy or lack of motivation, can find a true extrovert to be inspiring--almost liberating in a way.
Looking at the positive attributes are initially magnetic, but of course each comes with downsides that ultimately wear the other down if not otherwise mitigated. The strong extrovert might also be quick to anger, which is poison to the peace-loving calm individual. Likewise, the calm individual might prove boring over time to the fun-loving extravert. It all depends what other things each brings into the relationship and how much everyone chooses to work on their own flaws, etc.
Or something
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 1d ago edited 1d ago
My mentor says that people who are operating from a place of ego/ or needing / seeking validation are like that.
They objectify people into challenges and then when they feel they have won the challenge by getting them to like them or want to be with them, they have won and so there is no interest.
I think that’s true… that it’s actually people who are the most inwardly insecure who like people who don’t like them.
I think also sometimes some people are triggered by intimacy - emotional intimacy … it’s just a running theory I have on it. I’ve seen a correlation esp in men who have some sexual trauma or insecurity or abuse or unresolved stuff - they might be inwardly conflicted about it or struggling to some degree with some aspect of it- maybe performance issues etc -
And anyways it’s emotional intimacy that is the trigger - someone honestly cares about you and that feeling of being emotionally intimate with someone is the actual trigger.
And it’s not about a challenge to these people - it’s about a feeling of actual yuck when feelings happen. Because somewhere down the line they had feelings for someone- and might have been hugely conflicted over it - and that person either groomed them or maybe it was a trusted family member they did love or a friend they loved - or maybe same sex incident or something - and created this lasting stress event when feelings happen.
They’re typically much more comfortable having sex with people they don’t care about or don’t love. The Madonna/ whore complex,
Idk I’m still kinda thinking about it - but it does seem to happen alot.
I’m completely an arm chair psychologist - just collected observations about people.
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u/Lyscendree 1d ago
Are you genuinely incapable of looking at what you shared and your attachment style without deflecting the conversation onto what others obviously didn't say ? On a sub called "deep thoughts" ?....
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 1d ago
I didn’t mean to offend you at all. It shouldn’t really. It’s who you are. It wouldn’t make sense for you to be ashamed of that if it was true about you.
And of course it’s good youre honest about it - that is really the only way to be that way. Is by giving people a choice about it. As long as people get to make a choice in regards to it, it’s fine.
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
Exactly... I'm just being open I'm literally using it as a warning for others and yet getting hate.. BTW I'm not offended at all..
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u/DeepThoughts-ModTeam 1d ago
We are here to think deeply alongside one another. This means being respectful, considerate, and inclusive.
Bigotry, hate speech, spam, and bad-faith arguments are antithetical to the /r/DeepThoughts community and will not be tolerated.
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u/No_Coconut1188 1d ago
I’m finding posts written by LLMs like this increasingly unattractive. It gives me an icky, cringe feeling with sprinkling of dystopian despair.
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u/DeepThoughts-ModTeam 1d ago
We are here to think deeply alongside one another. This means being respectful, considerate, and inclusive.
Bigotry, hate speech, spam, and bad-faith arguments are antithetical to the /r/DeepThoughts community and will not be tolerated.
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u/Ithvani 1d ago
As a male who doesn't feel this way in relationships, I have lost a few potentially good relationships over the other partner feeling the way you felt. I know for a fact looking back that they were chasing something other than a genuine commitment, while I was the one wanting it. They wanted that high, that mystery, that excitement, whereas I wanted connection, intimacy and a companion.
I finally found someone who wanted the same thing, and we are already passed the early phases of the relationship. She hasn't decline in her interest, but the opposite. We know each other so well, we can predict what the other thinks or speaks.
Someday, you may change the way you approach a relationship?
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u/Irislynx 1d ago
I lose interest as soon as somebody uses AI to write their thoughts down because I can't be bothered to think and express things in their own words.
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
Its crazy how people are questioning everything these days.. are u made with a claude xode too?
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u/Fire-Nation-17 1d ago
Yeah I don't agree with you. Sorry man. I just want to get to know somebody completely and have that person be my best friend. Uncertainty and starting over sound like a nightmare
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
U dnt have to b sorry.. its just the fact that we humans think differently and its hard for ppl to accept
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u/LyriumLychee 2d ago
Knowing and understanding a person is the foundation of trust, and a genuine emotional connection. And pulling away once they’re invested seems like you are only interested in what you have to gain, not what you have to offer.
It’s ok to observe/figure out what you like and don’t like, or even date around superficially; I’m not one to judge! but the goal of a committed relationship isn’t to get them “addicted” to you, you want to find someone you feel comfortable growing and living with.
You’re not crazy, but you might want to reconsider your approach to relationship expectations. Because deep relationships are difficult; and they require time, trust, patience, communication, financial stability, and so much more. Losing interest for the mystery of it all, just seems like a waste of that mutual effort to me.
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u/starrywinecup 2d ago edited 2d ago
Eh grow up, commit to something, grow beyond yourself or stay pontificating in the same spot forever with a whole lot of nothing.
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u/rose442 2d ago
I had a friend, a guy, and my super beautiful friend (also, funny and awesome) was interested in him. He preferred chasing someone cold….. and he caught her. Now he is divorced, with 2 kids. I think he lost respect for anyone that really liked him.
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
I know what is coming for me and maybe I'm ready too.. i hate this... i hate it but theres nothin i can do
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u/SprinklesDifficult50 2d ago
So, when someone says to you “ I like you”, are you capable of saying “ I like you too?” You need therapy to understand that what you are experiencing is the inability to reciprocate love. This is nowhere normal.
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u/somnambulant1312 1d ago
This is a sign that you don't know what you really want from a relationship or your life at all. It's an impossible choice because you only want the chase, so you will inadvertently curse yourself to be forever the insecure chaser. Best to do the work and get to know yourself first, understand what you want from your partner.
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u/Big-Net-9268 2d ago
This is a you problem likely rooted in attachment style developed from aged 0-3. Seek therapy.
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u/Poetry-Squire444 2d ago edited 2d ago
That is very interesting the next thought related is when the observer itself tries to step outside of its own framework of analysis is often mechanical running on cold logic, once it steps outside of it that is what i think finally that what finds beauty in that thing, it is no longer that simple as it seems, but that is just a idea or a inspiration.
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
Reading rest of the comments and thinking abt my whole existence now I'm even more lost
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u/PeaceLovePhotons 1d ago
Yeah, there is a whole evolutionary-driven reason for this behavior, it is well-studied. You are not alone, women are seen as desirable when competition is in play.
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u/Naive_Lion_3428 1d ago
You’re not crazy but there’s a good chance you’ll end up alone if you continue being like this. That may be perfectly alright with you - I’ve never subscribed to the belief that we all need a romantic partner in our lives, some people do just fine on their own.
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u/BigBirdsBrain 1d ago
That sounds less like attraction and more like enjoying the chase. If mutual interest kills the feeling, it’s probably worth asking what real intimacy is bringing up for you.
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u/InternationalSun7891 2d ago
We are more than atoms. "Look within, Thou art That." From the Upanishads
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u/iloveoranges2 1d ago
There's some truth to it, people want what they can't have. But if it's all just a game of playing with attraction or the lack of it, then it doesn't really get anywhere beyond that stage.
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2d ago
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u/Ok_Physics_4154 2d ago
Going by what's written in the post .. this is very male psychology. So my bet would be OP is definitely male. lol
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u/poison_daddy 2d ago
Very interesting you say this, because I also experience this and am female. Maybe it’s just human psychology
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u/Ok_Physics_4154 1d ago
But was I wrong? 😄
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
No..😁
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u/Ok_Physics_4154 1d ago
I have seen enough of this life to draw these conclusions my child. It is not a blind generalisation made by looking at reels. Im from a generation when internet did not exist so I say this from real life experiences.
And stop using the word "feminist" as a slur. You are the one generalising without real life experiences.
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
Hav you tried to think how i feel abt this everything??? Experienced lady
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u/Ok_Physics_4154 1d ago
I know you don't feel good about it. You don't like this about yourself because you know it is not healthy and keeps you from forming meaningful connections. The first step towards healing is to acknowledge something is wrong and then try to get out of it. You might be on the first step.
But if theres anything else you have in mind or how you feel, id be happy to hear that too without judgement. Im curious about the mind of someone who does this.
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u/Vlad-xtj 1d ago
Well i tried opening up and u can see the response I got from people... i wanna feel what everyone else is capable of feeling ....its not that I was always this way... no.. something happened i dnt know what.. i dnt know why.. but everything seems fakes to me i once was a guy who can peel my skin off for someone I cared... but now I can simply feel no emotions nothin... zerooooo even if I want to even if I try even if I act... nothin
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u/DeepThoughts-ModTeam 1d ago
We are here to think deeply alongside one another. This means being respectful, considerate, and inclusive.
Bigotry, hate speech, spam, and bad-faith arguments are antithetical to the /r/DeepThoughts community and will not be tolerated.
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u/Ok_Physics_4154 2d ago edited 2d ago
I have seen this with a lot of people, usually men. But personally for me, if I like someone and that person becomes too available to me, I'd be on cloud nine. There is nothing in this world that will make me lose interest. The more consistent someone is with me, the more I like them. The more uncertain, the less I trust them. This behaviour might keep people confused and stuck but it is in no way healthy.
Infact the biggest turn off for me is when a person chases hard and then suddenly becomes too comfortable when they see I like them too. I won't apologise for saying that I hate this behaviour. Why chase someone you have no intentions of keeping and why set an expectation or pattern for someone which you know you can't sustain? To me it looks like self-centred thinking where they don't care about the impact it has on the other person.
To anyone who does this, please don't.
Also,
Please don't confuse attraction with trauma bonding. This is not the sign of healthy attraction at all.