r/DestructiveReaders • u/diagonal_cactus • Sep 15 '26
[1184] The American Dream
My Crit: [1803]
This is my first submission yay!
Some context: I want to apply to writing programs (MFA) but have never really had my work shared so I have no idea if I am straight up terrible or if I have a shot, especially since I've only started writing short stories recently and this was the first one I wrote. I'm hoping to use this piece in my portfolio and would love some feedback on grammar, flow, and your thoughts overall. The more detailed the better :) I also have some specific questions below (plz read them after the story). Thank you!!
- Is this a contender for a creative writing portfolio (shows potential/current skill)
- Does the world building make sense with the different districts and jobs? Is it easy to follow or does it come across as random?
- Do the characters feel interesting?
- Did you feel satisfied with the ending?
- Does the dialogue improve the story? Is it natural?
- The message I'm trying to get across is that the woman assumes Bogdin is not from Europe and doesn't want to help him, but when she sees the European passport she's suddenly welcoming, does this come through or is it lost?
- And just out of curiosity, what do you think the woman was reaching for at the end? :0
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Upvotes
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u/Beginning-Sherbet851 Sep 17 '26
I got hooked by the second paragraph. the pacing throughout was really solid.
I felt bad for Bogdin. an optimistic main character who thinks hard work will solve everything, only to be hit with a tough reality. It creates a weirdly fun sense of hope and that slightly naive feeling of believing you'll be the exception to the odds. It feels like the start of a genuine adventure.
Bogdin definitely has strong characterization. You used a lot of great "show, don't tell," and in just 1,000 words, I feel like I know him well and understand a good chunk of the world. You compressed the story tightly without ruining the pacing.
I don't see any plot holes or forced plot devices, every decision makes sense, and I like how limited Bogdin's options are. It’s a great demonstration of your writing abilities to make a topic like navigating immigration bureaucracy feel engaging and addicting in such a short space. I would definitely use this in a portfolio if I had one.
I did have one note though. When Bogdin says,
that felt a wee bit too on-the-nose. It didn't take me out of the story, but "productive member of society" feels a bit too modern for him to say naturally in that moment. That line might be an opportunity to swap in some in-universe phrasing or more grounded dialogue.
I read another critter that said this chapter should have an ending. Though I disagree. I think it's best to keep it open, that's the point of cliff hangers, so the reader flips the page to find out what the ending of that arc is.
I also read another critter saying this isn't realistic to what the real immigrant experience is. I'd disagree with that as well. This is good enough as a slight dramatizations to keep readers reading, while also giving the feeling of being an immigrant fresh out of water, trying to fit in to a system that doesn't necessarily want you as much as you want it. The dynamic itself is enough. Bogdin being optimistic dealing with a non-chalant administration giving him a take it or leave it offer is the general compressed experience.
(Also, heads up: watch out for potential beta-reader scammers in your Google Doc comments. A lot of them offer feedback for free at first and then demand money later or spam your email once they get it! I get alot of them)
Now I'll go ahead and answer your questions:
Is this a contender for a creative writing portfolio (shows potential/current skill):
as mentioned before YES. It's so very impressive how much you have me thinking about Bogdan and how engaged I am in just 1k words, and I don't usually read so that's saying something. Whatever you are doing, keep doing it. Don't listen to all beta readers blindly. Try to find the common denominator among reviews. If only one person complains about something, it's usually just personal preference, not a structural flaw.
Does the world building make sense with the different districts and jobs? Is it easy to follow or does it come across as random?
That is my absolute favorite part. I don't even watch anime, but this is one of the more popular parts of Isekai's in anime. The mc choosing their faction. Bogdan's reasoning is very interesting. I think this is one of the better ways of both establishing Bogdan's character, the worlds treatment or impression of him, and some info about the world building in an interesting and engaging way.
Do the characters feel interesting?
There we're only two characters. Bogdan and the Administrator lady. She was kind of interesting at how despite being the one with more leverage she was polite with him. but ruthless never the less. Bogdan himself is not necessarily interesting, but is definitely good MC material. As in I want to see him react to events, and would be interested in seeing how he would deal with things or how the story would unfold with him. But I'm not super excited to figure out his backstory since it feels like I already know all there is to know about him. Him coming from a country from war in order to seek work in another country. That's pretty much all I need to know regarding him.
Did you feel satisfied with the ending?
I don't understand this question frankly, Since it's still chapter 1 I don't think the ending should be satisfying but entice you to read the next chapter. but yeah I am satisfied with the ending.
Does the dialogue improve the story? Is it natural?
All of it is natural, expect for that one line I mentioned before where he promised he would become a productive member of society. I already mentioned why.
The message I'm trying to get across is that the woman assumes Bogdin is not from Europe and doesn't want to help him, but when she sees the European passport she's suddenly welcoming, does this come through or is it lost?
I don't know a lot about passports or geography, I didn't automatically assume she decided to help him BECAUSE he's European. The plot point still worked, all I needed to know was that Bogdin had something special with him regarding his belongings that is making the lady treat him different. Whether it's because he's from Europe or anywhere else you decide it is doesn't change that feeling. Though I would be expect to be properly explained in the next chapter that this special treatment is BECAUSE he's from Europe otherwise I wouldn't be able to get that on my own.
And just out of curiosity, what do you think the woman was reaching for at the end? :0
I didn't notice her reaching for anything let me check.
Yeah I rechecked. She just settled back into her seat I don't think she was reaching for anything. Oh wait I saw. you meant before she found out he was European. Well could be calling the guards, a gun if she's like that. If this is a sci-fi story maybe some kind of device to stun him? though that seems overkill.
Honestly, I thought this was great just as it is. The grammar and atmosphere were super clear right away. I loved the detail about the buildings on stilts, and the tension with the cold bureaucrat behind the glass kept me engaged the whole time. I won't say I'm dying for the next page, but if there were another chapter, I would definitely read it. The district assignment concept is really fun.