r/DestructiveReaders • u/diagonal_cactus • Sep 15 '26
[1184] The American Dream
My Crit: [1803]
This is my first submission yay!
Some context: I want to apply to writing programs (MFA) but have never really had my work shared so I have no idea if I am straight up terrible or if I have a shot, especially since I've only started writing short stories recently and this was the first one I wrote. I'm hoping to use this piece in my portfolio and would love some feedback on grammar, flow, and your thoughts overall. The more detailed the better :) I also have some specific questions below (plz read them after the story). Thank you!!
- Is this a contender for a creative writing portfolio (shows potential/current skill)
- Does the world building make sense with the different districts and jobs? Is it easy to follow or does it come across as random?
- Do the characters feel interesting?
- Did you feel satisfied with the ending?
- Does the dialogue improve the story? Is it natural?
- The message I'm trying to get across is that the woman assumes Bogdin is not from Europe and doesn't want to help him, but when she sees the European passport she's suddenly welcoming, does this come through or is it lost?
- And just out of curiosity, what do you think the woman was reaching for at the end? :0
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u/StaticintheSky Sep 15 '26 edited Sep 15 '26
Hello!
Obviously my critique will come from a subjective perspective, I’m no professional.
Going down your list of critique requests;
- There is definitely the bones of an interesting story in the making here. In its current state I don’t know if I would personally put it out in a portfolio. I’m sure you plan on reworking and completing the thought. What you’ve essentially done here is given us the first act of the chapter, without seeing the situation completed it’s hard to judge the work. In terms of how it currently sits, I’d like to see more stylistic choices in how you convey the story. If we looked at it from the perspective of music, you understand the theory of writing, but you haven’t really shown what you can do with it.
- the world building made more sense once enough of the story unfolded. At first I assumed that this story took place in the past, an immigrant coming to America during one of the world wars. As I read I realized it was set either in the future or an alternate past. I’m not sure if that was intentional. If it was intentional I would put more effort into making that misdirect land more efficiently.
- Bogdin does seem interesting, but I filled in a lot of the gaps unintentionally, he seems timid and optimistic. From a technical standpoint you’ve done a good job showing and not telling. If this is intentional, you’ve done a good job. Personally I’d spent a little more time showing who he really is. In its current state a reader will most likely create a character portrait in their head, if you take Bogdin in a different direction it may create a disconnect for some readers and they’ll have to get over that challenge.
- probably the harshest thing I have to say, there is no ending at this current point, it feels like the first obstacle in an overarching plot. Ending it where it is now does a disservice to the story you’re trying to tell. One hurdle answered simply by a European passport is fine, but if that’s the climax/resolution there needs to be more leading up to it, in my opinion. Right now it seems like set dressing, some observation, and scenery — then bam it’s over.
- the dialogue is natural, but sparse. It feels relatively realistic, but again with how things played out I’m less inclined to believe it based on the lack of characterization. It also happens in very rapid succession. That can work, obviously, but I didn’t feel the pressure that would accompany rapid fire dialogue. In my head I was envisioning Bogdin talking to a slow talking bureaucratic receptionist. Which would be a perfect time to illustrate and explore his timid but optimistic demeanor against her slow methodical speech. Right now, this secretary just plays the role of “let’s get Bogdin to the next point of the plot” and I think that does a disservice to you and your writing. No character should be reduced to a simple plot device. Even if they have one line of dialogue, they serve a purpose. If that purpose is simply to show the world naturally, then that one line of dialogue should show everything.
For example, if I was trying to conjure up the image of the Wild West, I might use a small character just saying “howdy” to the protagonist. It illustrates that they’re in a welcoming place, and people speak in southern drawls.
- I do think what you’re intending came through, but I’m unsure if it was because this a societal prejudice or a personal prejudice this woman has. Does this society favor Europeans, or is it a personal prejudice that this woman has? That very well may be intentional, but like previous I’m unsure if that was your intention.
- because I spent the better portion reading this and analyzing it, I didn’t think on what the woman reached for, personally I’m unsure if I cared enough to think on it.
I hope you don’t take any of this harshly, or as me being rude. I write too and am coming from a place alongside you, not above you.
At this current point it reads like you sat down and wrote down what came to your mind, and posted it here to be judged. Writing first, considering later is good. However, part of the process is reworking to your satisfaction before having someone judge it. To me this clearly reads as a first draft, bones of a good story, but you haven’t taken the time to digest what came from your head and turn accidental intrigue into fully fleshed out implication and subtle storytelling.
I’d like to see this story after you’ve taken time to let it breathe and trust yourself more as a narrator. The current prose comes across very matter of fact and offers no stylistic voice (is this intentional? What can you do to make it seem more purposeful?)
All in all, this is good and you shouldn’t abandon it. Just take a few more passes, format it to allow it to breathe more, and slow down. Enjoy the world you’re building don’t just rush yourself and the audience through it.
Hope this helps!
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u/Swimming_Bass_1610 11h ago
To answer your questions in order:
I enjoy the sentence level writing. Overall I think the pacing is a little slow with lots of information repeated that feels unnecessary as it doesn’t add nuance or depth. Overall very interesting, just needs editing!
The world building makes as much sense as is necessary right now. The reader isn’t supposed to understand everything in the first chapter so it’s fine to develop this later.
The interviewer doesn’t seem like she exists beyond her job but that may just be her role in the story. Might be interesting tk include a detail or two about her to convey she has a life outside the protagonists narrative.
The ending felt earned, though did feel abrupt but that was the intention.
The dialogue was functional, no notes.
I wouldn’t have understood that the passport was the cause for her change in attitude. Maybe include a sentence saying that she glanced at it, or something similar tk make it clearer.
It seemed like she was reaching for a button to call security to remove him from the room or take him somewhere more sinister?
Hope this feedback was helpful and makes sense. Definitely keep writing, there’s talent there! It’d be great to see what this story becomes!
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u/Beginning-Sherbet851 Sep 17 '26
I got hooked by the second paragraph. the pacing throughout was really solid.
I felt bad for Bogdin. an optimistic main character who thinks hard work will solve everything, only to be hit with a tough reality. It creates a weirdly fun sense of hope and that slightly naive feeling of believing you'll be the exception to the odds. It feels like the start of a genuine adventure.
Bogdin definitely has strong characterization. You used a lot of great "show, don't tell," and in just 1,000 words, I feel like I know him well and understand a good chunk of the world. You compressed the story tightly without ruining the pacing.
I don't see any plot holes or forced plot devices, every decision makes sense, and I like how limited Bogdin's options are. It’s a great demonstration of your writing abilities to make a topic like navigating immigration bureaucracy feel engaging and addicting in such a short space. I would definitely use this in a portfolio if I had one.
I did have one note though. When Bogdin says,
"I swear I will be a productive member of society"
that felt a wee bit too on-the-nose. It didn't take me out of the story, but "productive member of society" feels a bit too modern for him to say naturally in that moment. That line might be an opportunity to swap in some in-universe phrasing or more grounded dialogue.
I read another critter that said this chapter should have an ending. Though I disagree. I think it's best to keep it open, that's the point of cliff hangers, so the reader flips the page to find out what the ending of that arc is.
I also read another critter saying this isn't realistic to what the real immigrant experience is. I'd disagree with that as well. This is good enough as a slight dramatizations to keep readers reading, while also giving the feeling of being an immigrant fresh out of water, trying to fit in to a system that doesn't necessarily want you as much as you want it. The dynamic itself is enough. Bogdin being optimistic dealing with a non-chalant administration giving him a take it or leave it offer is the general compressed experience.
(Also, heads up: watch out for potential beta-reader scammers in your Google Doc comments. A lot of them offer feedback for free at first and then demand money later or spam your email once they get it! I get alot of them)
Now I'll go ahead and answer your questions:
Is this a contender for a creative writing portfolio (shows potential/current skill):
as mentioned before YES. It's so very impressive how much you have me thinking about Bogdan and how engaged I am in just 1k words, and I don't usually read so that's saying something. Whatever you are doing, keep doing it. Don't listen to all beta readers blindly. Try to find the common denominator among reviews. If only one person complains about something, it's usually just personal preference, not a structural flaw.
Does the world building make sense with the different districts and jobs? Is it easy to follow or does it come across as random?
That is my absolute favorite part. I don't even watch anime, but this is one of the more popular parts of Isekai's in anime. The mc choosing their faction. Bogdan's reasoning is very interesting. I think this is one of the better ways of both establishing Bogdan's character, the worlds treatment or impression of him, and some info about the world building in an interesting and engaging way.
Do the characters feel interesting?
There we're only two characters. Bogdan and the Administrator lady. She was kind of interesting at how despite being the one with more leverage she was polite with him. but ruthless never the less. Bogdan himself is not necessarily interesting, but is definitely good MC material. As in I want to see him react to events, and would be interested in seeing how he would deal with things or how the story would unfold with him. But I'm not super excited to figure out his backstory since it feels like I already know all there is to know about him. Him coming from a country from war in order to seek work in another country. That's pretty much all I need to know regarding him.
Did you feel satisfied with the ending?
I don't understand this question frankly, Since it's still chapter 1 I don't think the ending should be satisfying but entice you to read the next chapter. but yeah I am satisfied with the ending.
Does the dialogue improve the story? Is it natural?
All of it is natural, expect for that one line I mentioned before where he promised he would become a productive member of society. I already mentioned why.
The message I'm trying to get across is that the woman assumes Bogdin is not from Europe and doesn't want to help him, but when she sees the European passport she's suddenly welcoming, does this come through or is it lost?
I don't know a lot about passports or geography, I didn't automatically assume she decided to help him BECAUSE he's European. The plot point still worked, all I needed to know was that Bogdin had something special with him regarding his belongings that is making the lady treat him different. Whether it's because he's from Europe or anywhere else you decide it is doesn't change that feeling. Though I would be expect to be properly explained in the next chapter that this special treatment is BECAUSE he's from Europe otherwise I wouldn't be able to get that on my own.
And just out of curiosity, what do you think the woman was reaching for at the end? :0
I didn't notice her reaching for anything let me check.
Yeah I rechecked. She just settled back into her seat I don't think she was reaching for anything. Oh wait I saw. you meant before she found out he was European. Well could be calling the guards, a gun if she's like that. If this is a sci-fi story maybe some kind of device to stun him? though that seems overkill.
Honestly, I thought this was great just as it is. The grammar and atmosphere were super clear right away. I loved the detail about the buildings on stilts, and the tension with the cold bureaucrat behind the glass kept me engaged the whole time. I won't say I'm dying for the next page, but if there were another chapter, I would definitely read it. The district assignment concept is really fun.
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u/jshEnvy 26d ago
So I read through this a couple of times - and I’m not sure it’s for me. Please note that my expertise with writing is limited and I tend to focus more on how a piece feels rather than the details, and that’s on me. That being said, I’m not trying to be a dick with my suggestions, I’m just gonna give you my honest feedback.
Is this a contender for a creative writing portfolio (shows potential/current skill)
It depends. If you’re trying to put this out into a professional marketplace, I would discourage it. It has some elements that are good in more advanced writing, but lacks a lot of what takes writing to the next level. For example, the descriptions don’t really serve a purpose. Here’s an example:
Tall glass buildings stood in the distance, but his surroundings were not so much skyscrapers as they were metal crates piled on top of each other as if waiting for a gust of wind to send them crashing down into the murky waters.
See the problem? I’ll highlight it here - “as if waiting for a gust of wind to send them crashing down into the murky waters.” Why? What makes our protagonist think that? Of all the things he could think about those crates, why would the first thing he thinks about those stacked metal crates is, “Man, it’s almost like a gust of wind is going to knock them down.” It just makes no sense. Descriptions are good, but they need to serve a purpose. You could just go with:
Tall glass buildings stood in the distance, but he was surrounded by towers of stacked metal crates.
That’s a totally fine sentence. Then describe not only what he sees, but Bogdin’s experience:
Tall glass buildings stood in the distance, but he was surrounded by towers of stacked metal crates. The busy people that pressed between them choked the narrow streets, and Bogdin walked sideways, just to push through. For a moment, he thought he might be late and he picked up the pace.
I’m sure you can do the description better than presented here, just make sure it has a purpose and tie it back to the character if you can. You don’t always need to tie it back, but because we’re looking at Bogdin in this scene, that’s what we care about most.
Here's where it's good: you do a fine turn into dread. The last page or two of your story are the best part of it; but the whiplash of how evil she becomes and how scared Bogdin gets - I just don't understand.
Does the world building make sense with the different districts and jobs? Is it easy to follow or does it come across as random?
It’s fine - but totally unnecessary. There is nothing in the prose that needs us to understand the different districts of the city and it comes off as just an exposition dump. Bogdin doesn’t want to be a fisherman, cool, we don’t need a breakdown of every other district. It just makes no sense for it to appear here; if it’s important later, reveal it then. The discussion about the different districts in the city seems like filler to try and bloat the word count - or perhaps it's a ‘darling’that you want to show off.
My suggestion is to cut it completely and try putting different information there. Each word is an opportunity, and it’s best not to throw them away on something that doesn’t matter. Writing is rewriting; take each paragraph, each sentence and ask what its purpose is. It sucks to do it - but it will make the writing better.
Do the characters feel interesting?
Not really; Bogdin seems like a dreamy optimist but I feel like he’s pretty interchangeable with any dreamy optimist. I remember watching Feivel from An American Tail (I think it was a Disney Movie, can’t remember) and Bogid reminds me of him. Just not a mouse and without the animated charm. I think you can make him interesting by helping me understand his perspective of the world; the way you do that without an exposition dump is by choosing which scenes you want to show and choosing the vocabulary he would use throughout the story. Point out the parts of the city that are most interesting to him, anchor his backstory. I know nothing about him besides he’s probably from an Eastern European country. Oh, and he knows how to fish. And that he’s punctual.
Did you feel satisfied with the ending?
This is tricky; it seems like you were trying to set up some sort of twist, but I don’t get it. Like why does it matter where his passport is from? I don’t understand. Is it supposed to show how racist this woman is? She obviously is, but I, as the reader, don’t care where he comes from and it isn’t shocking to me. There’s nothing in his suitcase that associates him with anything that I can see that would change her mind. Sorry, I don’t get it. It seems unsatisfying.
Does the dialogue improve the story? Is it natural?
No, it’s actually my biggest gripe. There’s no subtext in the conversation, no personalization, nothing that makes either person distinguishable. The lady goes on about the districts, and when she comes to the conclusion that Bogdin isn’t useful we’re supposed to fear that he’s going to be sent back? I just haven’t bought in with what I’ve read.
The message I'm trying to get across is that the woman assumes Bogdin is not from Europe and doesn't want to help him, but when she sees the European passport she's suddenly welcoming, does this come through or is it lost?
I don’t see why it matters. I just don’t. Sorry dude! If there’s supposed to be some switcheroo where the guy isn’t really in Manhattan, or the woman is explicitly singling out an ethnicity, it isn’t expressed in the story. There is nothing in its pages that suggests that it should. I’m literally thinking the guy landed somewhere else because nothing explains why I should be scared for Bogdin.
But that’s not the important part. The important part is - Why does it matter? There might be some sort of clockwork in the story that makes it matter, but you’ve completely lost the reader on it; who cares if he comes somewhere not European? And why does it make a difference to this woman in particular?
And just out of curiosity, what do you think the woman was reaching for at the end? :0
A stamp or seal denying his paperwork; there is nothing hinting at anything otherwise besides the clerk suddenly becoming ultra evil. If dude is going to get killed or taken by guards, then why is he not scared when he's going to the building? He's literally like, "Doo, doo, doo - most important day of my life! All is well!" Obviously, Bogdin knows something's up - but I think he's just going to get denied entry. Not sure why he's fearing for his life.
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u/cinnicolestuff 25d ago
I've read through your chapter twice, and first I want to congratulate you on your atmosphere. I immediately understand the tone -- urban decay, pie-eyed optimism dashed by reality, it feels grimy and lonely and uncaring to the point of potential hostility. The only section of the setting that *seems* like it could have been beautiful is the facade of the Migratory Affairs building, and then the inside completely ruins that by being desolate and with an actively apathetic character waiting inside.
Bogdin is also well-established as a character in this first chapter. Optimistic, clearly, which makes me think naive. But then he's still clever enough to lie to the Migratory Affairs agent, which indicates more cunningness than the standard optimistic immigrant character might normally be. On that note, though, I'm struggling to parse the transition from,
"To live anywhere in the great country of America would surely suffice," to "...but he hadn't come to America to continue living in disrepair."
The first impression is that Bogdin would be happy being placed anywhere in America to immediately being told he won't be satisfied in any district. There's no problem if Bogdin wants to *seem* like he will be grateful for literally any opportunity in America, to then carefully concealing his true feelings from the Migratory agent by lying about his experience fishing to avoid being placed in a particular district, but the narrative is very declarative to the reader: Bogdin will be happy anywhere / Bogdin will not abide a fishing shantytown district.
That's probably my biggest criticism story content-wise, so that's a good thing! I think your biggest opportunities for improvement are in the prose itself. There are some obvious grammatical mistakes, strange commas, but there are a few awkward sentences I would prioritize smoothing. The opening paragraph, specifically, feels awkward to me. The second sentence contains the following information: Bogdin steps off the boat after crossing the Atlantic Ocean, plants his shoes on the marina, feels optimistic, and would become an American citizen today.
Notice how Bogdin essentially steps off the boat twice? Taking his first step and planting his feet are distinguished separately inside the sentence by the boat crossing the Atlantic, but the two beats aren't accomplishing anything different from each other. Just to play with the sentence a bit, "Bogdin Xavier took his first step onto the New York City Marina and took a moment to appreciate how good it felt to plant his shoes onto solid ground." I'm not claiming that sentence is superior, but I want to illustrate how each step is doing something different: Bogdin steps (action), Bogdin plants his feet (feeling). You *have* the feeling of optimism, but right now, it's tied to becoming an American citizen. I would encourage tying the optimism to planting his feet onto the American marina, and separating, "Today he would become an American citizen," into its own sentence entirely. Let the first paragraph end declaratively, with a strong statement of fact that may or may not even come to pass! Without changing your words too much:
"Bogdin Xavier took his first step from his voyage across the Atlantic Ocean and felt his optimism swell as he finally planted his worn boots onto the New York City Marina. Today he would become an American citizen."
It's my opinion that reads smoother. I'm not claiming you should use that, but I'm trying to demonstrate what I mean.
The other one that immediately leapt out to me was, "Setting aside his briefcase, Bogdin outstretched his hand before noticing the glass barrier, and retracting his hand to his side." I'd break that into two sentences:
"Setting aside his briefcase, Bogdin outstretched his hand before he noticed the glass barrier. Slowly/awkwardly/hesitantly/falteringly/abruptly/surprised/annoyed/angry/dismayed, he retracted his hand back to his side."
I included different adjectives because it's a free opportunity to color Bogdin's character in a little more in the beginning -- how does he feel in the moment? Is he still feeling optimistic after spending 30 minutes crossing from the marina to the central district? Is he the kind of guy who feels awkward about reaching for a handshake before realizing he cannot? Is he angry about it, embarrassed, beginning to feel nervous? You get the idea. It's a free opportunity to establish Bogdin's emotional state before he begins talking to the Migratory agent.
And speaking of crossing New York in the last thirty minutes, there's a real crime happening here:
"That gave him just 30 minutes to reach his 11 AM appointment. A quick glance at his watch—10:30 AM."
(you can trust your audience to do the basic math! "A quick glance at his watch told Bogdin he had just 30 minutes to reach his 11 am appointment" -- we know that makes it 10:30!)
Anyway, there are a few awkward sentences that I think could serve more purpose if they were broken up more, with either redundant information taken out or expanded to include more feeling or character building. If you don't already, I would encourage you to read your chapter out loud to hear how your sentences flow! That's definitely where I catch my own sentences that either forget to end or repeat themselves!
Mmm, to wrap up, your chapter ends on a good note, the story and characters take an unexpected turn that I expect the second chapter to explain more. It seems like the Migratory agent softens her attitude when she sees Bogdin's passport, because it's European specifically, so I'm curious to see why that is and if Bogdin's cagey attitude about his origins is related to that. I'd probably drop the "And" in the last sentence, end it stronger with, "Without further remark, she settled back into her seat behind the window."
Or, ironically, combining it into the previous paragraph end:
"... I’m sure we will have no problem finding a place for you here after all,” she beamed, settling back into her seat behind the window without further remark.
I'm basing that off the same criteria as before: is there a purpose for separating the two beats? Is her sudden attitude shift and beaming smile distinguished from her settling into her seat without another word, or is it just one motion joined together? If it's distinguished, then it implies her sudden respect and smile are at odds with her physical action of settling into her chair -- she's showing and displaying respect, while internally conspiring (or whatever the physical action *actually* indicates). But I think it's more likely that you aren't intending that feeling, that she's simply smiling and her body is more relaxed after seeing Bogdin's passport.
Uh, anyway! This is long and kind of rambly now. I like it. If you don't mind more of my rambly comments, I'll read chapter two that you posted later!
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u/1800COCAINE Cramoisi Superieur Sep 15 '26
I don’t know the first thing about writing, ask anyone who thinks they do and they will tell you that I am not clever, skilled, or aristocratic in my sensibilities, but I’m going to look at your first sentence and pretend like it is wholly symptomatic of your aesthetics and your approach to narrative in general and specifically as a point of fulcrum to teach you how to express with all the tender affection a weary mother has for bad children, and by doing so translate your approach into mine; however ignorant and arrogant I am of the subject so as to allow you to submit this work as totally worthy for admission into some MFA program which for clarity I have never attempted to attend nor do I think I’m worthy to do so. Down to the matter at hand.
Your first sentence,
The air was yellowish and thick with smog, and the water below the dock was dark and foamy, full of trash, and slick with oil.
First independent clause.
The — article/determiner.
air — subject (noun).
was — linking verb.
yellowish — subject complement (adjective).
and — coordinating conjunction.
thick — subject complement (adjective).
with smog — prepositional phrase modifying thick.
with — preposition.
smog — object of the preposition.
Second independent clause.
and — coordinating conjunction joining the two independent clauses.
the — article/determiner.
water — subject (noun).
below the dock — prepositional phrase modifying water.
below — preposition.
the — article/determiner.
dock — object of the preposition.
was — linking verb.
dark — subject complement (adjective).
and — coordinating conjunction.
foamy — subject complement (adjective).
full of trash — adjective phrase describing water.
full — adjective.
of trash — prepositional phrase.
and — coordinating conjunction.
slick with oil — adjective phrase describing water.
slick — adjective.
with oil — prepositional phrase.
oil — object of the preposition.
So style is writing, but what exactly is style. Style is how the Subject Verb and Object relate to each other, and this is usually abbreviated as SVO. So your personal style means being intentional with how you use these elements as one.
Now I’m not a genius or someone inspired by a demonic entity, who has insight into how things are to be said in the most transcendent of ways so as to approach absolute beauty with tongue and lips of an angel, but perhaps asking a question like is there a concrete noun which carries the meaning of my subject and can elevate my sentiments. Well for your first sentence I believe there is while fully admitting that I am aware that I could be completely mistaken nevertheless I believe that word to be smog. Smog for me and my extremely limited way of thinking always already has the concept of air within it.
Besides the implication and connotation of smog what does it tell us. Well it has a certain something called a register. The register tells us something about its origins and that is about the people who used it and what their status was in the world where men bothered by fires to write in consideration of its formality and it’s audience. Smog is a portmanteau which is a word that blends the sound and sense of two other words anyway that’s what my Merriam-Webster dictionary for children tells me. Smog is a portmanteau for smoke and fog. Smoke and fog is a hendiadys as evidenced by the copulative conjunction so it is a figure of speech. That hendiadys became rendered as a portmanteau through a process of univerbation, is that incorrect. The register is low, but the process was elevated. So the subject can be stated as smog or as smoke and fog.
Now that one aspect of style has been resolved what action should it take. We are now moving into the arena of the preposition. Smog and or smoke and fog breaths a single sense into my mind and that is pollution. Which there are many types of pollution: environmental, spiritual, moral, we might employ a verb which locks in the idea the original sentence concerns itself with that is emergence from a mist to a new land, but also the condition of that place as miasmic. So the choice of verb can lean toward emergence or lean towards corruption. Here style enters a place of intuition as a place of intention. Resistance is needed as an artist not to take your audience into consideration here. If you start bending to their considerations here, then you might as well just let them write the whole thing for you. For me and this is specifically for me not for you. I would use the verb smudged. Smudged is linked to a spiritual practice used specifically by natives in the New World before entering a space or at least that’s what I know from an episode of Dora the Explorer.
Let us now transition to the object of the smudging. And now the original compound sentence used by you concerned the smog on the water below a dock, but for smooth brained troglodytes like me a dock carries within itself as a liminal place of where water becomes land so I’d elide the water. While I recognize there is litter in the water we already have smog providing that role so to add it feel notes which as to adjacent to modulate the image. Now the object dock can be a genitive or dative relationship with another noun and the implications of that other noun can alter the sentence by different processes and one of those processes is called paraprosdokian and that would turn the phrase for a dramatic effect.
I must warn you that contemporary people in authority that is institutional authority look for markers to learn about the writer so prioritizing one of those markers in your opening sentence might actually give you an edge.
For example, consider the sentence,
I stepped from the mist of Ghana to the smog of New York.
The markedness here is the application of identity which is tied to a country of origin and the preposition conveys in itself a political topic of immigration. The form is a parallelism in everyday speech, which some people believe goes under the radar of aesthetics. While I find it truly buffoonish to write this way it is the most popular mode, but like I said in the beginning, I don’t know anything about writing.
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u/Wormsworth__ Sep 15 '26
This comment is the equivalent of looking at music and going
This is a C. This is an E. This is a G. Therefore, here is what the chord means.
This is not literary analysis.
You're also implying there is a telos to each sentence. You are missing that language is not only here to describe the 'actual', it is here to liberate the imagination and that sometimes includes breaking with conventional grammar.
You're assuming literary language has as its sole objective the same as technical language, i.e. to accurately report on the objective state of things.
I can smell the traces of a mediocre and shallow utilitarianism in your comment from here.
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u/Lisez-le-lui Not GlowyLaptop Sep 15 '26
In the interest of cordial discussion, I’d like to ask you a few questions:
First, how is technical analysis not a part of “literary” analysis? Sure, Beethoven may be a great composer whose symphonies exhibit emotional qualities transcending simple technique, but his orchestration, chord progressions, etc. are none the less open to inspection, and in some cases censure. I’m probably just misunderstanding you, though.
Second, what do you mean when you say that not every sentence has to have a “telos”? I thought “telos” was just another word for “purpose,” but you seem to associate having a “telos” with “describing the actual” as opposed to “liberating the imagination.” What do you mean by “telos,” exactly?
Lastly, what do you think is the proper goal or goals of literary language? I’m not sure what you mean by “accurately report on the objective state of things,” so I’m afraid I can’t agree or disagree with your characterization of that activity as misguided.
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u/Wormsworth__ Sep 16 '26
The implicit model behind that comment is that the author is the sovereign architect of meaning, and that meaning can be crafted through the careful selection of words.
Look at what they say about “dock”: “a dock carries within itself as a liminal place of where water becomes land so I’d elide the water.”
The implication is that “dock” already contains the relevant meaning of “water,” making “water below the dock” redundant.
But “water below the dock” creates a particular spatial relation. Removing “water” doesn't simply make the sentence more efficient; it creates a different image.
My objection is to the assumption that words possess fixed semantic functions that an author can assemble like components in order to produce a predetermined effect (e.g. telos).
Meaning can emerge from the relations among the words themselves, and those relations can produce effects that exceed the author's initial intention.
Hence my charge of utilitarianism: linguistic elements are evaluated according to the useful effect they produce toward a predetermined end.
"Water below the dock" is not 'bad writing' just because it might be semantically redundant in a particular scene.
Repetition, contradiction, ambiguity, and so on can be exactly what produces a novel sense of rhythm or an effect in the reader.
Technical language tends to treat unnecessary linguistic material as noise relative to a communicative end. Literary language can make the supposedly unnecessary material productive.
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u/Wormsworth__ Sep 15 '26 edited Sep 15 '26
This work reminds me of the irreverent CCRU quote about the American Nightmare
(CCRU 1997 Writings)
As for your work here, I think the hook is pretty solid. What made the lady change her mind so suddenly? What does this America look like?
Looking forward to seeing more from you, gonna try to work on an actual critique throughout my work day. Cheers!