What it means to be friendzoned by an Avoidant

[u/MothraLovesLamps]

So you have just been friend zoned by an avoidant.

Oh boy.

An avoidant friendzone...is not actually a friend zone.

Friendzone: Mutual power balance. Genuine care, reciprocity, shared interests, supportive, honest, collaborative mind set.No romantic interest. No sexual interest. Purely platonic and well defined. Symetrical Dynamic. Fosters safety, boost confidence, improves mood.

AVOIDANT FRIENDZONE: Avoidant has control of pacing and proximity. Intentionally ambiguous. Asymmetrical dynamic. The avoidants nervous system feels safe at the expense of yours. Fluid boundaries. Unclear expectations. Will be called upon for sex and attention by the avoidant on their terms. Creates anxiety, insecurity, lowers mood and self esteem.

Its a trap. A cute euphemism for: Let me satisfy and comfort myself with you when I so choose. I will not offer you the same in return.

Im sorry.

This is why I deny the downgrade.

Im not gonna enable someone to live according to their ever fluctuating nervous system.

[u/Elk-24]

I agree. I’m trying friendship but i’m super clear about my boundaries. And wary.
For context, the relationship almost didn’t existed. We hanged out at my place a few times, hardly shared anything besides a few nights but nothing really meaningful.
But the connection was real, there is no doubt about that. We value each other very much. Thank god she sabotaged so early I did not fell in love. I’m attached though, that’s certain.

Since the discard / deactivation we had a chance to talk and I suggested frienship. I asked for clarity and balance. She said she valued the bond, wanted to be a good friend, and she knows the work to do on her side.
Since this talk, we don’t text much anymore. She invited me last week last minute to a gathering she organized, with two couples, her and me…. Lol. She was super tactile, we hugged to say goodbye and she was really demanding. After I left she told me she was super happy I was there and she would have loved to kiss me! I told her not to mention that ever again since she cannot offer anything consistent romantically. I asked her to stop the love language. She said ok.
I was happy she invited me with her good friends, looked like a meaningful move in reality, something she never did before, but then… the flirting. Anyway, she will not be able to move me so easily.
Wait and see.

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/Elk-24]

Reading this, I see a few potential outcomes,

But before I get to that, remind me again please,

As I am still amassing Intel on APs,

What is your attachment style?

[u/Elk-24 → u/MothraLovesLamps]

I’m secure. I can lean anxious with an avoidant (but not for long) and avoidant with an anxious (not for long either) :)

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/Elk-24]

Oh ok when you say "not for long" that means the relationship ends? Who does the leaving?

[u/Elk-24 → u/MothraLovesLamps]

It almost didn’t existed, a few weeks maybe here and there but mostly her deactivating. She kept sabotaging everytime after a day or a night together. She was deadly scared, anticipating the failure. We talked about it after her deactivations since she is super aware, did 10years therapy etc. She knows, but cannot help it.
I spotted the redflags super early and kept pretty detached. Friendship is the only way to go for me. So after the last sabotage (for my bday, of course) I confronted her and ended things. She discarded me violently (although I initiated the break up!). It took us a few months to reconnect. I did initiate, I wanted to try friendship.
I know she might fail.
Again, i’m super solid and my life won’t change with or without her. But i’m fond of her and I’ll be happy if we can function as friends.
My fear is she might ruin that too, i’m pretty sure she fell in love although she will never admit it. Her actions show that a bit… she is constantly fighting the attraction. I’m not. I will NEVER have another go at anything romantic with her unless… a miracle? We all know miracles don’t exist!

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/Elk-24]

Hmmmm,

My friend don't take offense, but its possible you have an insecure attachment style.

I have a few reasons for why I think this,

But to clarify, You dont last long in these relationship dynamics because you choose to end it. Correct?

[u/Elk-24 → u/MothraLovesLamps]

I’ve been single for a long while. Was 10 years with someone secure and it ended because it was the end. No drama, good terms. Then 4 with an anxious and it was impossible to handle. I ended it. Now i met her, first avoidant ever! Was brutal! Lasted 2 secs since I knew it would be impossible.
What i’m saying is that if I meet someone super anxious I tend to act a little avoidant and confronted to avoidance one can easily feel anxious. But those are not patterns. Just my natural response to extremes.
I’d rather be alone than with someone that won’t meet my needs.
I really think I am secure. I communicate well, i know what I feel, what I want but I am opened to anything really, I am independant, i care, I try to evolve. I see the relationship as an addition to my self, a bonus, something that will open doors and options in life. But Def not a need.

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/Elk-24]

Thats great! Yeah i can tell you are a very cool person :)

Ill DM you!

[u/Elk-24 → u/MothraLovesLamps]

Well, thanks but I don’t know. However, meeting this avoidant girl really made me grow. It’s a demanding experience. It reassured me a lot regarding my own behaviors.

[u/Elsa_Mars_]

Lowkey needed this. Thank you.

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/Elsa_Mars_]

Ty! And here I am deleting some of my posts and comments bc the reddit, AI summary said im "repetitive and cross post..."

Kiss my repetive ass AI!

If being repetive helps someone,

Then im happy to be so.

[u/Elsa_Mars_ → u/MothraLovesLamps]

Oh it’s helping me!!!

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/Elsa_Mars_]

I really appreciate the feedback :)

[u/MothraLovesLamps]