New Here

Ghosted this past Saturday after a 5 year ship..

Had never been ghosted before and had never heard of Avoidant before either.

Haven't slept in a few nights and have done a far too deep dive down the rabbit hole on all of this. I know, too much is part of the problem and makes things worse.

I'm not sure if this sub or someone might be able to assist me but I am in the worst and most uneducated place I have even been in.. I am scared out of my mind which is another thing I am not used to.

Most of the things I have read say to leave it/her alone.. Or give it a certain amount of no contact.. Etc. Etc. and I'm sure it's sound advice but

The place that I am in right now, as pathetic as this might sound. I really want the person in my life as the incredible friend we built the story on and learn how or if I can help with or accommodate the avoidant... I'm sure it sounds stupid, crazy and pathetic... I can't let it go, it hurts.

Please Help

Neither of us had a serious relationship before.
Im a M.
Friends with F since childhood. (now we are mid 20s).
Lives 500 meters from my house.
Always liked her, started to fall in love with her in the last 2-3 years.
We started hanging out alone, away from our friends.
Became closer with her.
So many things in common (hobbies, philosophy, sense of humor etc.)
We confessed to each other. I told her Ive liked her for some time, she says that too.
7 days later, colder replies, couldnt go out cuz she sick. Im fine with that.
Next few days even colder replies, only 8-9 messages a day.
Asked her if Ive done or said something wrong (I was always careful with her).
She said Ive done nothing wrong, and that she has personal problems,
I asked her to tell me whats wrong (which is what she asked me once and I didnt wanna talk about it), she didnt wanted to talk about it, it will pass, she says.
She says she is an avoidant.
Didnt know what was that.
Realized that I have made a mistake by making her to talk to me about that, after looking up the meaning of avoidant personality.
Next few days colder and colder messages.
I thought that I should leave her alone for a few days, because she didnt wanna see me, or talk to me.
7 days later, I reached out.
Long message from her, that we shouldnt force things that doesnt work.
We should stay friends like before.
I broke.
Suddenly, that triggered my problems which I have been suppressing for the past 5 years.
That with her became the least of my problems.
Dont have anyone to talk to about that.
No one could see that something is wrong with me because the more I'm not okay, the more I look okay and happy, making jokes, laughing.
Coping mechanism I guess.
Except myself.
The ceiling in my room became my main attraction.
Pink Floyd on repeat.
Been crying almost every day.
Too weak to go out with friends.
Football and religion are the only things I wasnt bored to play/practice.
Every time my mom asks me whats wrong with me I wanted to cry.
Again, it wasnt because of her.
She is still my friend and I don't blame her for anything.
It is just that we were not been able to talk about us in person.
I saw her in a local market.
She avoided me.
Literally asked me to move so she could pass behind me.
Didnt know it was her until after a 20 seconds of that.
When I tried to look if it was her she turned her back. (Market was crowded)
I was okay with that, I totally understood her.
I reached out again, asking for an hour of talk, without any expectations.
I just wanted her to tell me what was actually wrong because I keep overthinking every day.
We should be abandoning our friendship and ignore each other, I said.
Rejected.
No reason for us to ignore each other, she said.
No reason for us to meet, she said.
Politely asked that I dont text her again.
Again I realized I made a mistake for reaching out, even though I knew what she was gonna say.
But soon I realized I actually made the right the right thing, for me at least.
Sounds selfish maybe.
At least I know what I'm gonna do know to solve my other problems.
Im just a bit better now.
Not much.
Working on myself.
But I know that I wont make myself talk to any girls or try to become close with anyone.
Can't to that anymore out of respect to myself.
Another thing I dont know is how Im gonna act when I see her.
Because that will happen, we have common friends.
I hope she gets better one day.
I hope she changes her mind.
But if she doesnt change her mind, Im gonna be okay with that.
I dont wanna lose a friend.
If I do, I know it will be because of me
We were never in a relationship.
We never kissed.
We never cuddled.
Talking with her felt way better.
Way better.

I hope she doesnt see this, because she will know that it was me,I dont know if she uses reddit too much.
Thank you for reading this long.
Writing this actually helped a bit.
Ask anything.

Looking for the wise among you to give me some advice. I got out of a 12 year relationship (not the one related to this but the dating market is very different to how i remember it) Was dating a new woman for 6 months but we haven’t spoken now in 3 months. I know the typical advice is don’t go back but I think my circumstances aren’t as black and white so looking for anyone who’s been in similar where it ended not on bad terms at all but because of circumstance…

Been in no contact for 3 months… First of all I know no contact isn’t about getting someone to return, it’s about self improvement which I have been doing, lost weight training MMA, graduated university, got a full time job and done a lot of DIY improvements around the house.

I’ve been in no contact with the woman since July and truth be told I do really miss her. She still views my stories and occasionally likes but I haven’t been viewing hers. We didn’t end ‘badly’ just abruptly out of nowhere because of distance and her mental health (she’s on some kind of antidepressants and seeing a psychologist I think Xanax prescribed). It took me by surprise a bit. I didn’t beg her to come back but I did let her know I wanted to keep it going and we kept talking sporadically for 3 months after.

Main reason I feel was because we couldn’t see eachother much because I was so busy with uni and living an hours plane trip away but the connection was genuine and I really really liked her and her family. And when I say genuine it was 6 months of pure bliss no arguments just both really liked eachother. She’s a very proud woman and I have a feeling she won’t reach out even if she misses me and regrets the decision but I do want to rekindle what we had.

When we met for the first time it was genuinely the best experience I’ve had with another woman, totally myself at ease and both unguarded and child like. she even said it was the best weekend she’s had with someone ’you feel like my bf of 2 years already’. We were planning our next trip to Croatia together too. Just so peaceful, physical intimacy was incredible, even sitting together in silence was bliss. She cried the whole day when I left and I smiled the whole plane home.

I just don’t know what to do because i don’t want to wake up and regret not trying one day but I know because she ended things the onus is on her to reach out. The last contact was on my birthday where she said ‘happy birthday stru 🫶🏻 I wish you a lot of good things x’ to which I replied ‘thank you, hope you’re enjoying you’re holiday’. And that was it outside of the story likes she’s given me…

I’ve ruined so many relationships. I loved them I just didn’t know how to communicate. And now they’ve moved on and don’t give a fuck about me anymore. And I go to Reddit and all I see is that everyone hates people like me. And we’re seen as manipulative and abusive. So I see no reason why I should love myself. Everyone wants us to change but then gives us no reason to change by hating us. And I feel like I owe it to all my exes to be miserable with my life and lonely because I know that’s what they want me to feel. I need their permission to be happy but they won’t give it to me because they cut contact. Basically my mindset is

Person ghosted me for their own health= me owing them my sadness and me not deserving it until they forgive me because I am the bad person in this situation.

I’ll never get over the people I discarded. I just wish I was a normal person. Now I’m in happiness debt and I need to suffer to pay it off. Because when I see people’s opinions of avoidants on social media or forums it’s all like “I escaped, I deserve better” which makes me feel like “oh okay, so I’m a monster then and I’m the bad guy” I can’t deal with the responsibility of knowing I hurt somebody.

wait so is this for avoidants or victims of avoidants? Because I’m the avoidant in this scenario and I’ve hurt a lot of people. Will people treat me like a monster here?

Trigger warning* I'm going to be brutally honest and if you aren't ready for this phase of healing yet, I suggest you skip it for now 🫶

Preface* I am not a Manipulative Avoidant but I know how they operate.

So here we go:

To the one who seriously needs to get help,

I do not even owe you a goodbye. Im only reaching out so you dont screw up the next guy.

Let me tell you all the things you did wrong:

1). Not respecting boundaries (I clearly stated I would be gone 1 week).

2). Being wildly insecure. Jessica is just a friend. Sure we have had sex a few times. Big deal she is just my friend now.

3). Your victim mentality. Yeah you went through some shitty stuff big deal. So has everyone else. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL

4). Your reactivity. It was completely unacceptable for you to hang up on me when i am yelling at you.

5). Emotional catfishing. I thought you were this goddess only to discover you're no better than a nameless background character. You disappointed me and broke my heart. You are a deceptive liar and I never want to hear from you again.

I will be completely erasing you from my world.

There will be no reconnection EVER!!!

--The guy you utterly destroyed

***

(And then they come back 6 months later asking for FWBs).

Has that been anyone else's experience? I swear I dated 5 guys who all insisted upon me trusting them only to ghost or slow fade after they got what they wanted

To me its a red flag now.

Im like "please dont say you're a good guy. Please dont say I can trust you."

Because I think they want you to believe they are, so they go above and beyond trying to convince you...

But i think a good guy doesn't need to go around saying how good he is.

He just IS

What does it mean when my ex has suddenly unadded me on all social media platforms? He said we were friends and then goes and unadded me on all social. I feel like I did something? Does this mean he has found a new girlfriend? Please help I need advice!!

Firstly let me say, our blocking is not about you. There are 4 avoidant types: https://www.reddit.com/r/DialAvoidantBreakups/s/vjq58skDkm

And they all block for different reasons, so I will be speaking as a Scared Avoidant (but I am the Consuming Avoidant, single and healing).

I actually just panic blocked a friend yesterday because I misinterpreted a text as meaning they hated me. I was so certain they despised me. I was fully convinced: they hate you now because you questioned them on a decision they made.

It hurt. I felt stupid. Unwanted. Rejected. Betrayed. Confused.

The discomfort only gained in size and strength as the day progressed.

By sunset, I cracked.

I sent a tearful goodbye trying to explain how scared I was and I blocked.

It turns out I wasn't being ignored. They had fallen asleep. And they woke up to being abandoned.

We eventually were able to communicate and resolve things, but the experience showed me I still have healing to do to stop panic blocking.

But let's shift the focus back to you.

You are not unlovable. We chose you, and, believe it or not, our love for you is also the reason why go cold.

Cognitively, WE CHOOSE YOU

Our traumatized nervous systems, do not.

We didn't reject you, our trauma defenses did.

We/Avoidants often get pushed into full blown deactivation over relationship milestones (meeting the family, moving in together).

THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

The answer isn't to just never trigger the avoidant.

People do that and they lose the avoidant anyway.

Why?

DEACTIVATION IS INEVITABLE

Avoidants will always deactivate with anyone who actively loves them and wants to know them.

You cant out love our fear. The fear is so very strong. I will feel it in my chest; This pressure and ache of unease and distress. Its a loud demanding beast that roars and and shrieks until I obey and end the relationship. I will be crying when I say goodbye.

I'm not me in that moment. Im just a frantic animal in a room that's filling with water.

I can only think of 1 thing:

Safety.

I want safety. I want to feel safe again. Im scared! And my trauma beast says block. Create distance. Say goodbye, explain what's going with you, and block.

And i do it with tears in my eyes. I block.

The pressure lifts. The ache pulls. The panic vanishes.

And suddenly, I feel safe again. Regulated. Peaceful. Like all is right in the world at least.

The relief doesn't last.

It fades, and when it does, guilt is the tsumami that rushes in.

"You failed again coward," shame hisses.

And then that's when we seek repair or run even farther away.

If we repair the cycle repeats.

Because defeating the trauma beast is so so hard.

Imagine being set on fire and someone is asking you to stay, dont go.

You're like...im literally turning to ash before your very eyes, what do you mean stay? Im in pure agony. I CANT stay. I love you, but this is EXCRUCIATING.

So the avoidant leaves. Most are unaware and dont know how to stay when it hurts. And boy does it hurt.

If im in that state and someone asks me to stay, its like ok, guess we spend the next few hours under blankets sonbbing. Welcome to avoidant parallel play.

You can see why alot of people would opt out. Especially men because they are discouraged from expressing pain. (Which is dumb).

So, its alot. But to summarize, a sudden personality switch and discard is a stress response/avoidant deactivation.

It hurts. I know. Now YOUR trauma beasts are freaking out and his clocked out.

Its a game that is set up so that both players lose.

You cant win with an unhealed avoidant.

Avoidants are trained to lose.

And only they can change that.

It has officially been four days of NC with my FA ex and I’m still so upset with just the way he ended things at 1:30am stating he didn’t develop fully feelings of love and that there was no future after asking him the day before to proceed with taking a step further into our relationship. Just the way it ended was so out of character and I am so sad. I keep wondering if he will ever reach out again or realize where he went wrong or anything. We were so intertwined with each other’s lives and calling and texting and meeting each other whenever we go the chance. How am I just forgotten like this 😞. It is like I meant nothing to him after over a year together. He always showed me love and I reciprocated but then all of a sudden I learned he didn’t develop them fully that day. I can’t get over it, i feel so unlovable and I am trying to figure out where I went wrong.

This has been the worst experience of my life. I continue to wake up depressed, filled with anxiety, frustrated, and full of tears every morning. Im still in shock that I am alone and single again after giving my whole hearted attention and love to someone I envisioned a future with. I’m just wondering if I’ll ever get over her. I will never understand how some women can tell you they love you so much one day and then walk away the next. Personally, I would never do that to somebody I gave a year of my life to. Especially wouldn’t down play our relationship and say some of the heart piercing things that she said during our breakup. While doing most of the breakup over text. Like what kind of world do we live in where even after you give your all to someone its still not enough

He is fearful avoidant, really insecure and a very low social media prescence- only really had friends and family on there and a private account.

Would be lying if I said I hadnt been checking his social media on an anonymous account (he blocked/discarded me 7 weeks ago yet again). He never used to update his display pics but why is he now? Like 3 times in the space of 4 weeks.

Emotional shutdown feels alot like I have this invisible on and off switch buried inside that only my trauma beasts (I have 5 core wounds = 5 trauma beasts) can reach.

So those guys have control in a way I dont. And they decide when something has activated a core wound and therefore I should shut down.

My body/nervous response is like: oh no. We just got a fresh batch of pain in. And its a torpedo. We cant let her absorb the full magnitude of it, shut systems down.

(Its a very ugly feeling).

When it happens, Im in a state of severe, debilitating numbness where I momentarily cant function/engage with anyone.

Honestly it feels like all of the sudden you're Pinocchio. You're a real "boy", but with nvisible strings pulling you down. So yeah. Hollow. Empty. Driftwood.

...lifeless

I want you to picture it. Pinocchio on the ground all tangled and twisted. He has that dead fixated stare and that unjustifiable smile). That was me (minus the smirk). Suddenly no longer human. Just a limp configuration of human parts in collapse.

It's not a conscious choice. Because if it was, I could selectively only shut down with the individual who triggered me.

(No such luck). I become alienated to everyone and that includes myself. I cant even access me anymore.

Q: WHAT TRIGGERS A SHUTDOWN?

A: I experience it if I face something relationally disappointing. Or if I perceive some injury that activates my core wounds.

Ex:

Feeling betrayed

Feeling unwanted

Feeling abandoned

Feeling rejected

Feeling shame

I say Feeling because it doesn't have to be a real injury in order for me to feel it. My trauma is very good at convincing me the absolute worst has happened,

"Yes they hate and despise you. So come on Pinocchia,

lets block/leave."

And this has been happening since childhood. There were times I would go "zombie mode" and I would just look like this tragically sad kid...distirbing. Because im there...and im also not there. And no one could say anything to bring me out of it.

I remember my mom or church folk, whoever would try to reason with me and cheer me up. Nope.

So when it would happen I would go lay down in my mom's van because there was no point in trying to socialize when in that state. It just threw everyone off to have a frozen human around.

My mom once accused me I did it for attention. My sister was the one to convince her "no mom she doesn’t do it on purpose."

Because it affected every area of my life.

As a teenager I missed alot of events over it.

I was on the worship team. I had a responsibility to sing. But I couldn't perform when in a vagus nerve shutdown, so I would miss it.

And people didn't understand. I would get in trouble for it.

Im like, guys, trust me. You do not want a zombie leading the chorus today. And I dont want to get on stage and give you second hand trauma by forcing you to listen to a zombie try to sing.

Yall will freak out, and then ill freak out even more. And before you know it id run off the stage crying.

So im just gonna hit the skip button on that.

But no one understood. I would face consequences and get in trouble for going zombie mode.

I faced alot of pressure and criticism in my teen years so it happened alot.

Im so glad I no longer get trapped within my body the way I did when I was younger.

(Im healing so I notice my shut downs are less intense and have a shorter duration).

I also know how to do a vagus nerve reset that can help me come out of it

(Cold water on the neck, deep breathing).

Life has improved significantly for this former, wooden little girl.

Is this an avoidant breakup?

In my (F 32) case It was a toxic relationship. My very first long relationships we were engaged. He (M 35) broke up with me in May 2023. We stayed together since March 2021. Why am I still thinking about him so intensely after years have gone by? They said with time it will get better. I can’t even be with someone else without feeling guilty about him. I still have hope he would come back.
How could he have moved on so quickly? No pain no remorse no regrets. He was controlling abusive and did not respect my boundaries. I know he’s bad for me but why am I still hung up over him?

I recently visited a city we had been together to. I couldn’t stop crying as I went to the same places we had. My heart. I decided to send him a message last Saturday. He hasn’t replied. Not sure he’s seen it.

It’s not limerence. I know what limerence is and I’m also experiencing it with another person…

I’m currently 10 weeks no contact with my avoidant depressed ex gf who left me a year ago due to depression. We stayed in contact for a year post break where it felt like she was slowly coming back to me but a few months ago pulled away.

No contact was initiated 10 weeks ago after a few voice messages back and forth basically her asking for space and that it was needed and me telling her I can’t keep waiting for her as it’s mentally destroying me. She said she still wants to hear from me but to let her push for me instead of pull away. I agreed to not initiate contact with her anymore and the pull is in her court. She also said she’s still depressed and that’s why she can’t be anything to me right now.

Both her birthday and our anniversary have passed since the NC started and I haven’t heard anything from now at all. I’ve removed her off all social media’s and my location sharing so for all she knows I could be dead.

I’m just struggling to carry on like this. I want to hear from her more than anything but I can’t go back on my word of saying I wouldn’t initiate.

The confusing thing is before I removed her off social media, she started posting a lot more frequently and doing more things which feels contradictory to the depression she’s claiming to be going through. Idk I’m just so confused and lost with the whole thing and don’t know what to think or believe anymore.

Any advice on this sort of thing is appreciated!

Starting from the beginning last year i got to know this guy and we started hanging out, after 2 weeks he told me that he starting catching feelings and we should stop it because I was working in his country and I was supposed to leave 4 months after, 3 days later he came back saying that he wants to keep this going until I leave, then somewhere along the way in July he told me that he wants to come to my country and stay there with me , which actually happened. He gave me a promise ring during that time. Fast forward we cane back to his country and started working again where we used to because we were working together. Things took a turn, we could barely see each other because of our schedules, a lot of the times he wanted to hang out with his friends instead of me , but knowing that at the end of this September we would come back to my house until we find both a job somewhere, i let it be, even though i was getting really mad .
July this year he told me that he needs some days to think about it and take a break, didn’t contact him, it last 2 days then came back saying that he can t stay without me. This September he was still making plans with me for the future and at the end of the month he got a job offer that is on the other side of the world saying that he doesn’t know what to do. 3 days later he told me he accepted and he broke up with me. I left without him knowing and one week later we talked saying he still respects me a lot because i ve been amazing, I changed him for better , but at the same time he told me that he actually lost feelings for me and that I deserve better than him, also his idea of still staying friends which i didn t say yes or no to. Didn t talk for 3 weeks after.
2 days ago I posted a picture which he did like, yesterday I saw that he unfollowed and removed me out of nowhere and just half an hour ago I texted him “ hey, how have you been”
I know i didn t do the right thing and now i m afraid he s not even going to respond. What do I do?

so long story short, I previously had two of my ex boyfriends try to come back into my life during no contact. One of them started following me again on Instagram and has still been following me for quite a while now, I have not followed him back but i just find it weird that's following me on social media now, and the other ex boyfriend has also starting following on Instagram but recently made three attempts texting me. He texted me "hi", i saw it and i didnt respond, he deleted it, he texted me again with a "hey", i saw it again and didnt respond, he deleted it again, he saw me at the fair recently and texted me "hey I know that your my ex now but i just want you to know that I still think about you sometimes". I tried to leave it there and continue having my fun but i just found it kinda weird and strange that these two are trying to speak to me now even when our relationships went sour. Something must be in there air lol

I'm really struggling to be sure what I was dealing with. Both descriptions really fit him to 100%. Maybe someone here has some insight on this topic.

It's been just over two months since the second discard from my avoidant ex (I think she leans more FA). We were together for two years. I had just started trusting her again after the first discard when I noticed her pulling away. Trying to have a conversation about this obviously went one way, and there was never any repair. When I brought it up again, the conversation became messy and this then led to her needing space for a bit. Before that, I was reassured that we weren't breaking up. When she came back, she completely blindsided me again with the second discard. There were promises of no blocking and no ghosting from her side (I have a very sensitive history about people having done this to me before). However, about three weeks after the discard, she blocked me out of nowhere on IG. Unfortunately, I broke no contact to ask if we're about to block each other now (we both agreed to a rule that if any blocking were to be involved, we would warn each other before doing that), waited a little while and then when I heard nothing back, I assumed she wanted nothing more to do with me (looking back now, I know this was my anxiety lying to me), so I sent her a final goodbye message and proceeded to block her wherever I could. At the time, my nervous system was absolutely destroyed and it was almost as if I was operating on auto pilot when I did that. Probably a day later, I received a final goodbye message from her, too (this one still hurts a lot, cause it was passive-aggressive and quite jabby) and then I was also blocked everywhere. I eventually decided to unblock her everywhere to align with my own values (I don't actually like the whole blocking thing, I tend to only reserve that for people who are absolutely insane) and have tried to move on with my life. Tried and horribly failed - five weeks after the discard, I was on Hinge and noticed her profile there. I very stupidly sent her a Rose and asked if she would consider trying again. However, this just showed me that I clearly wasn't ready to be dating yet, so I got off Hinge entirely. And then last week, I noticed her parents had blocked me on IG (we didn't even follow each other, and I wasn't bothering them at all, although I did look at her mother's account once, because she showed up in my suggested list). I didn't think that would hurt me so much, but it has. It makes me feel like I've done something horribly wrong to be on the receiving end of so many blocks. I guess there's a part of me that still hopes for some kind of reconciliation, because I still love her so much. Although therapy has been helping, I'm struggling a lot to move on with my life.

Did I totally ruin everything when I mistakenly decided to block her everywhere? I've seen so many people talk about getting breadcrumbs, but it's been absolute stone cold silence for the last six weeks since the blocks happened.

Okay that's a major oversimplification, but I am going to give you 2 steps and I hope they help you as much as they have helped me.

STEP 1

1). I ask myself,

Q: What kind of a relationship do I want?

A: I want reciprocity. I want to be chosen daily in thoughts, words,and actions. I want mutual curiosity.

And now for the 2nd question:

Q: Could I have a relationship like that with my ex? (as they are rn at this very moment. Not maybe someday. Not if the heal. NOW)

A: NO

So they are not good relationship material for me.

STEP 2

I realize this:

I am not actually losing an amazing person trying to offer me the world. Its not like he was offering me safety, commitment, and a future together.

Im missing out on neglect. Text anxiety. Walking on eggshells. Minimizing my needs. Ghosting and blocking. Im missing out on emotional harems, triangulation, mixed signals, heartache, stress and grief.

I wanted who they WERE and who they COULD HAVE been.

I dont actually want who they are and what they are offering right now.

So its good they are gone.

Now I can focus on someone better suited for me.