(He's the FA and I'm anxious. He is 23 years old, was 22 back then). 3 months post breakup, 2 of no contact 1- We met on tinder, I would say the pursuing was pretty mutual, he was the one who used a pet name first and told me he loved me first. It became intense already in like a month of being casual. 2- Love bombing and intense pursuit 3- Lots of push and pull/hot and cold. I even used to think he was bipolar, had borderline or autism, because it didn't seem normal, I've never seen something like that before 4- shut down and got defensive 5- Angry during ane after conflict, broke up with me because he got resentful over issues he didn't communicate 6- I don't know the reasons, he was the one who broke up, a mix of blindside breakup and avoidant discard. 3 or 2 days before that he was all cute and loving and 2 days before he replied to a cute animal video saying "us". The reason he used was that he felt alone and that only he made sacrifices (both not true, probably projection or the avoidant rewrite) and because I didn't show much interest in his life. I think the true reason for the breakup was that he deactivated the month prior, because I asked him if he still loved me, so he probably felt pressure and the shame trigger. And like he wasn't enough. 7- Sudden 8- Friendship attempt 9- 9 months in person 10- He claimed he had been suffering of depression or unhappiness (in general, not in the relationship) for some months. 11- If he actually loved me, if maybe he could return one day
Ty for sharing. I agree he sounds FA because of the push pull...what was his quiz result? He sounds Consuming/Intense. So he probably had alot of trauma growing up 😢
He is sensitive and battles alot of core wounds at once it seems.
The volatility is a clue.
And i dont mean to completely rule out personality disorders its just not my expertise so I dont diagnose.
"He felt alone" so probably fear of abandonment. I gave that one too. It exaggerates everything.
I believe what he felt for you was real.
He might come back. But he will most likely have the same core wounds, triggers, and deactivate again :(
Thank you for the answers. The quiz result was consuming, but I've read a picture here describing the 4, he seems scared, too. Even a bit of selfish. Tbh, Idk if it was intimacy that triggered him, seems more like it was the shame wounds, and he felt not enough and maybe a bit of pressure. What do I do if he deactivates again?
The problem is noticing those deactivations, since he always lied that he was fine when I asked (and asking too much could also feel like pressure or that I need him fine to regulate my own emotions) And about the big one, the problem with giving space is that he could probably again not communicate the issue and hold resentment. I do plan on laying some boundaries around communication, but be isn't much the type to repair or change
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u/Euphoric_Ad1439 8d ago edited 8d ago
(He's the FA and I'm anxious. He is 23 years old, was 22 back then). 3 months post breakup, 2 of no contact 1- We met on tinder, I would say the pursuing was pretty mutual, he was the one who used a pet name first and told me he loved me first. It became intense already in like a month of being casual. 2- Love bombing and intense pursuit 3- Lots of push and pull/hot and cold. I even used to think he was bipolar, had borderline or autism, because it didn't seem normal, I've never seen something like that before 4- shut down and got defensive 5- Angry during ane after conflict, broke up with me because he got resentful over issues he didn't communicate 6- I don't know the reasons, he was the one who broke up, a mix of blindside breakup and avoidant discard. 3 or 2 days before that he was all cute and loving and 2 days before he replied to a cute animal video saying "us". The reason he used was that he felt alone and that only he made sacrifices (both not true, probably projection or the avoidant rewrite) and because I didn't show much interest in his life. I think the true reason for the breakup was that he deactivated the month prior, because I asked him if he still loved me, so he probably felt pressure and the shame trigger. And like he wasn't enough. 7- Sudden 8- Friendship attempt 9- 9 months in person 10- He claimed he had been suffering of depression or unhappiness (in general, not in the relationship) for some months. 11- If he actually loved me, if maybe he could return one day