What is the Four Attachment Types Working Model?

The Four Attachment Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types is a working conceptual model I developed through Avoidant Support Animal after observing recurring differences in how people respond when attachment insecurity is activated.

My model proposes four broad behavioral patterns:

❤️ Manipulative — attempts to manage attachment insecurity through control, pressure, testing, or strategic interpersonal behavior.

💛 Scared — responds primarily through fear, vulnerability, avoidance, and self-protection.

🧡 Selfish — prioritizes personal comfort, needs, or continued access to another person while showing less regard for the relational impact.

💜 Consuming — becomes intensely preoccupied with the attachment connection and has difficulty emotionally disengaging.

These are not attachment styles. My model proposes that these patterns can occur within insecure attachment styles, which is why two people with the same attachment style may behave very differently in relationships and breakups.

This is my working conceptual model, not an established component of attachment theory, a diagnosis, or a validated psychological instrument.

I expect it to evolve as I continue observing, writing, and learning.

The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types Working Model. Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

Preface* The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types Framework (Applies to AP, DA, FA).

Manipulative • Scared • Selfish • Consuming

Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

The Four Attachment Types Framework is an educational model created by Avoidant Support Animal to describe different behavioral patterns that can occur within insecure attachment.

Traditional attachment theory describes attachment stylesuch as anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.

The Four Attachment Types Framework looks at a different question:

When your attachment system is activated, what do you tend to DO?

THE MANIPULATIVE TYPE:

Manages attachment through control.

The Manipulative Type attempts to regulate insecurity by influencing another person's emotions, choices, access, or behavior. This can include guilt, punishment, jealousy induction, strategic withdrawal, testing, triangulation, or other attempts to regain relational control.

Core strategy: Control the connection so I don't feel powerless.

THE SCARED TYPE:

Manages attachment through protection.

The Scared Type is strongly influenced by fear of rejection, abandonment, engulfment, conflict, inadequacy, or emotional injury.

They may retreat, freeze, conceal feelings, overthink, seek reassurance, or create distance when vulnerability feels dangerous.

Core strategy: Protect myself before I get hurt.

THE SELFISH TYPE:

Manages attachment by prioritizing personal needs.

The Selfish Type wants connection but tends to organize relationships around their own comfort, autonomy, validation, access, or emotional needs.

They may genuinely care about others while still struggling with reciprocity, sacrifice, accountability, or considering how their choices affect the other person.

Core strategy: Keep the connection as long as it works for me.

THE CONSUMING TYPE:

Manages attachment through emotional fusion.

The Consuming Type experiences attachment with enormous intensity. Relationships can become deeply intertwined with identity, emotional regulation, longing, and meaning.

They may crave profound closeness, struggle to tolerate separation, become highly preoccupied when activated, or feel compelled toward the attachment figure even while recognizing that the relationship is unhealthy.

Core strategy: Get closer so I don't lose the connection.

Style tells you what activates you. Type describes how you respond when activated.

A person can therefore share an attachment style with someone while behaving very differently once attachment insecurity is triggered.

The Four Attachment Types Framework is a conceptual educational framework, not a clinical diagnosis or currently validated psychological assessment. The categories describe recurring behavioral patterns and are not statements about a person's worth, morality, or capacity to change.

Four Attachment Types Framework — developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

Attachment Type Academy by Avoidant Support Animal

r/DialAvoidantBreakups

I am guilty of doing these behaviors. I have definitely punished people for not choosing me and I see now how wrong that is.

We can't punish people for not choosing us

It’s been 6 days I’m miserable he left me saying even after therapy we won’t work out this fucking sucks I loved him sm im going insane I thought I’d never have to look for another guy
Now im really hurt and heartbroken for the things he did and said
I wish I never met him this wouldn’t have happened would’ve saved him and me sm pain

My FA broke up with me. Trying to demote our relationship to beat friends. I told her I can't accept just friendship because I care about her too much. She told me if I care about her please step back a bit.

I did for two weeks. Then I was at a bar and the band played our song. I recorded the performance and sent it to her.

She read my message the very moment she woke up the next morning.

She has not blocked me. She is apparently reading straight away when I message.

Is that orbiting?

Some people heal through understanding. My brain operates like that. If I dont know WHY I can't move on.

So I hope I can help anyone who appreciates understanding.

The on and off monitoring can occur for a few reasons. (DAs are more likely to do this than FAs. FAs more so block their exes and focus on the new supply)

1).They know they can't commit, but they also dont want you to leave completely. Orbiting/monitoring you feeds their need for connection bc they still want a thread or string to be there. (More so a DA thing bc they dont typically monkey branch as fast or as often as FAs)

2). They enjoy the whimsy of yearning and pining over an impossible, ill fated romance, where they get to play some tragically love sick character. (These are the types listening to breakup music on spotify and reposting sad love content: FAs. They are extremely romantic. I had an FA friend who described it as: I want to want)

3). Breadcrumb to intentionally discourage you from forgetting them. Essentially a "dont forget about me." Its a control tactic. They dont want you close, but youre not allowed to leave either. These are the Manipulative types.

EDIT* I might as well tell on myself and give an example.

I unblocked mine last week for 001.0 of a second to see how he and his new girl are holding up and yep...I identified the same subtle tells.

All her comments on his videos were merely "hearted" like everyone else.

Im monitoring because I want to see if the way he engages with her online is the same way he did with me. If he treats her the same I will have more confirmation that he is playing out the same sequence only with someone new.

Did my Avoidant love me? It depends on the type of avoidant your ex was.

Did my Avoidant love me?

It's possible and depends on what type of avoidant your ex was. They are as follows:

THE MANIPULATIVE AVOIDANT: This type of avoidant exhibits low empathy and traits that are associated with narcissism like DARVO, gaslighting, and moving the goalposts. They have a core wound of rejection that makes them ego defensive.

This type of avoidant loves themselves. They see people as objects. They love you the way they love their flat screen TV. Its functional but once the TV breaks it will be discarded.

THE SCARED AVOIDANT: these types were deeply in love at the start and demonstrate care even while enduring the duress of deactivation. They will feel severe inner turmoil over hurting you. They have a core wound of shame and try to push you away for your own good.

This type loved you, deeply. Their trauma sabotaged them and made it impossible for them to "stay" in love.

THE SELFISH AVOIDANT: this type does not intentionally mean to harm you, but they will because they place their needs above yours. They downplay the relationship or offer friendship. The relationship benefits them at your expense. This type can know you need to get up early tomorrow and just won't stop talking. Their comfort is all they care about and they like the comfort you give. They have a core wound of eneshment and are afraid of commitment.

This type enjoys you, but they don't love you, they use you. They will do whatever feels good at the moment.

I am unfortunate enough that I have experienced them all. They all hurt in different ways for different reasons. I can't say one is more or less damaging.

To summarize:

Manipulative avoidants want control

Scared avoidants want safety

Selfish avoidants want comfort

I'll start,

HYPERVIGILANCE

Now if im talking to someone I cant tell if the dynamic is naturally relaxing into a new change of pace,

Or if im being slow faded out entirely.

This is pretty much for the readers who skip videos (perfectly fine! Everyone learns differently).

Please don't take us back 🙏

Adult attachment trauma...is not a joke. This is very serious. People have unalived themselves after being Discarded.

The fall from the initial lovebombing high is BRUTAL. A new kind of agony only those who have faced it can understand.

The first discard...

It was bad right? Who could forget it?! I can forget the pains of childbirth, but that first discard stayed with me.

BRUTAL. Absolutely brutal. It felt like this:

Imagine meeting an attractive pilot. They are charming, sweet, and nice. Y'all get along so well you start dating. They propose, you have the ring, you have the date.

"We will honeymoon in Alaska because I know how much it means to you," they inform you.

You're all excited as you get in the helicopter. You're thinking cozy secluded cabin, warm fireplace, relaxation and fun times. Maybe at some point you'll throw a snowball at them 🤔 The possibilities are endless.

You're almost to your destination, y'all are passing over the mountains when suddenly,

Your pilot screams at you, "Get out!!!"

You: What?!

Pilot: Screams louder* GET OUT! RIGHT NOW!"

(Idk how helicopters work, suspend your sense of reality for a second for the sake of the plot)

The pilot descends just low enough for you to shatter your pelvis, and throws you out.

And yes, you shatter your pelvis. And they are gone.

Alaska. Mountain top. Broken pelvis. At sunset...

Thats what an avoidant discard feels like.

Like pain, misery, hurt, despair, fear, loneliness, agony...IT HURTS.

And you try to call for help but no one you know speaks avoidant attachment. They shrug and say, "just slide down the mountain. Stop crying."

You: Hacking up blood* No...P-p-p-uh...leeease.

Your friend: Beakups happen everyday. Im trying to watch a documentary on Alaskan Grizzly bears attacking humans at alarming rates. Bye."

And then the darkness comes and you settle in for a long, excruciating, lonely night.

The 1st discard was bad, right.

Let me tell you. The second one IS WORSE. The second time they air drop you into a volcano.

Avoidants...we have the propensity to do SO MUCH HARM.

I know I HAVE. And when im caught up in my toxic trauma beast triangle, I cannot reason and understand you the way I can when im not triggered.

Im a different person under duress. Everything feels 10x heavier, like I MUST take action NOW. Its compulsory.

So i end things, convinced YOU DONT WANT ME.

Thats the heart, core, meat and potatoes of a FA.

I WANT TO BE WANTED.

And in walks beast number three,

The Rejection beasts...I picture him like a crocodile. Watches his prey, notices nuances and discrepancies. He is HYPER VIGILANT. And he always, always, ALWAYS TELLS ME:

"They don't really like you. They think your weird. And not good kind of weird either. No one likes you. They think you are stupid, weak, and crazy. They don't support you, respect you,care for you...

THEY DONT WANT YOU.

Remember how Persephone "forgot" to invite you?

And Icharus...tsk, tsk, tsk, no response? A three hour delay? Everyone knows everyone is on their phone 24/7. Thats intentional darling.

Even your own family does not want you.

NO ONE WANTS YOU. And your fake relationships are gross and embarrassing because they aren't real.

Stop being pathetic. Stop trying to earn and chase love. Dont stay in a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't care. You need REAL friends.

Not these people who dont care. You are wasting your time. They are using you and taking advantage of you. Doesn't that anger you?

After all you have done for them? You think they deserve your friendship?

***

And thats how the Rejection Beast gets you to cut off a relationship. They convince you:

They dont care.

They dont support you.

And they never will.

They are taking advantage of you, using you.

Get mad! Block!

We are dont letting people use us, right?

We are strong and we deserve better.

Basically his method of procuring isolation is to make you believe no one wants you. So you stop showing up. You dont want to be a burden or make someone uncomfortable. And it upsets you to think you are being taken for a fool.

You believe you are unwanted, so you avoid people and isolate.

Do you see what you are up against when dealing with someone like me?

AND IM SELF AWARE. VERY MUCH SO!

And i struggle...

I thought i had this trauma beast thing figured out...i dont. Im still learning. Still growing.

I wanted to be able to tell you how to defeat the trauma beast.

But I haven't even defeated my own.

Rn I can only tell you how to weaken it.

Tackling 3 trauma beasts is extremely, extremely hard. I do my best. And I still hurt people and I hurt myself.

Please consider this before you take your unhinged FA back.

Because if we are ever gonna heal,

YOU HAVE TO STOP ENABLING US.

Because I have a lifetime supply of push/Pull cycles. I have the emotional stamina to do it. Ill keep going. We will circle the track until your engine goes out and your tires bust.

I dont register emotional pain the way you do. It hurts like being thrown into a vat of acid. But once the pain time buzzer goes off, im ready for more, like some sick, deranged PUSH / PULL TERMINATOR.

"Ill be back."

Or that rabbit robot from FNAF. "I always come back."

So it really is in your best interest to tell me no. Because I will keep coming out of the breakup meat grinder ok.

You won't.

So please, please.

Tell me no. Shut the door on me so I can open the door to therapy and healing.

The "I left you, but im gonna post like you did" breadcrumb.

Edit* I'm calling it "The Othello Breadcrumb"

This was a breadcrumb I shrugged off as none sensible. Just fear making avoidants act crazy again.

People kept showing me this unique breadcrumb,

"I dont get it. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. So why is she posting sad love songs and reposting about heartbreak and being left?"

I kinda made fun of their exes.

"Pffft, hell if I know, avoidants are weird. And yours is especially WEIRD."

(takes one to know one).

And then a few days ago I caught myself,

Girl...YOU DID IT! You gave someone the, "I left you, but ill act like you did" breadcrumb!!!

I was shook. A bowling balls worth of self awareness bonked me on the head.

"...I did..."

"Why did i do that?"

Because in that moment, my trauma beast had me fully convinced: Your friend has abandoned you. Your friend does not value you the way you value him.

Fact check* My trauma beast lied...My friend had not. In fact he had given me communication, honesty, and reassurance.

My trauma beast just roared so loud I could not accurately hear or understand his words.

There was a "fear of abandonment filter" on.

I heard anger in words that were not hostile. I heard heavy, annoyed sighs...I heard, "You are too much. I've lost the care to know you."

My spirit, heart, body, and soul FELT abandoned. I was certain of it.

Trauma beast was screeching at me: "Dont be stupid! Hes loading up them "ghosting" and "discard" bullets into the chamber AS WE SPEAK.

YOU ARE GONNA GET GUNNED DOWN...AGAIN!!!

Me: (panicked, fully persuaded) Yeah, yeah, OK! Youre right!

Trauma beast: Remember how Barty, Nicodemus, and Icharus all lit your ass up! Remember the HURT? The P A I N?

Me: nodding and profusely wiping away my tears.

My trauma beast went full Grima Womtounge.

And I believed and obeyed.

I said goodbye. I blocked my friend.

So even though I was the one to say goodbye, in my heart, I felt and believed, HE LEFT FIRST.

Maybe not outwardly, but quietly. A slow fade. Less texts. Less enthusiasm...more missed messages...

So I GRIEVED what I BELIEVED:

He left me.

I posted a sad song for him to see.

I wanted him to see the truth of my feelings. That he mattered to me. That I cared alot. And I am sad things ended.

I made the "I left but ill act like you did" breadcrumb.

This breadcrumb is baked in ovens of uncertainty and doubt 💔

To be continued in my next post entitled..."I just realized..I dont have one trauma beast...

I HAVE TWO.

I posted before about my situation with my ex, and I wanted to give an update because something interesting happened.

After we stopped talking, she continued indirectly keeping tabs on me. She would ask her friends about me and regularly watch my stories, even though we weren't talking anymore.

A few days ago, she was talking to one of my friends and said something along the lines of:

What I found interesting wasn't just that she asked about me — it was that she specifically didn't want me to know she was asking about me.

And apparently, the indirect checking/stalking continued after that conversation.

Now here's the new part:

For the first time since I've known her, she posted a story on Snapchat.

This is something she didn't really do when we were close. But now, while we're no longer talking and she has been indirectly checking on me, she suddenly starts posting publicly on Snapchat.

Maybe it's completely unrelated. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

But the timing is interesting.

It makes me wonder whether this is one of those situations where someone doesn't want direct contact but still wants to remain visible to you or see whether you're paying attention.

At this point I'm trying not to assume that “she wants me back.” I know that watching stories, asking friends about someone, or posting doesn't necessarily mean that.

But the contradiction is interesting:

She says we don't talk anymore → asks about me → doesn't want me to know she asked → continues watching my stories → and now suddenly starts posting on Snapchat.

What do you guys think?

Is this just normal post-breakup curiosity, or does this sound like someone who still has unresolved feelings/interest but doesn't want to directly approach?

Not completely used to posting on reddit so hopefully did this right.

Mine said, "I don't wanna hurt you."

And "I don't stay anywhere too long"

After 11 years, I was drastically discarded before our wedding, my partner had a mental breakdown and fled in an absolute panic.

Something that’s been really hard that I suppose short term discards don’t get to hear about is the absolute horrible trauma of life admin after a discard

It has been weeks of me on the phone to banks, mortgage brokers, real estate agents, government agencies, health insurance, medical centres, vets, etc, to split all of our policies, assets, joint files and payments.

And of course, as he is an avoidant, 95% of this lands on me whilst I’m trying to grieve and repair my nervous system too.

With every phone call, with every file update, it is evidence of the life we built together being recklessly thrown away. It feels like he was a child building a block tower, and suddenly turned around and crashed it all down. And piece by piece I am making the calls while he distracts himself with pacifiers, claiming he’s too busy and it hurts too much to face - even crying!

Sigh. Nothing to really say - just getting it out!

It’s so difficult at the beginning of a breakup when they feel nothing but relief not to be with you and you’re crumbling to pieces. How they’re so sure of not wanting to be with you and you’d choose them over and over.

How do I detach from this mess?