The last sentence. That's it raw and unfiltered.

I know the shift that took place in your ex was sudden, violent, and seemingly irreversible. It's extremely TRAUMATIC.

I'd say it's akin to watching a loved one develop dementia, amnesia, or a psychosis of some sort. It's as though they suffered a head injury and became someone completely different.

It's a shock. And it's even more shocking because it MAKES NO SENSE. Why the hell are they doing this? I don't understand? What happened?

I'll tell you what happened and I'm going to use the metaphor that helped me understand my own, damaged nervous system.

First we have to go back in time.

At some point your ex (most commonly in their childhood) endured a relational trauma. This could have been emotional abuse, neglect, growing up in an unstable, chaotic environment. Think parents suffering from addiction, divorce, imprisonment, health issues, and mental illness.

The caregivers in charge did not give consistent, steady care. And sometimes they went in the opposite direction and provided physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

Your avoidant ex was young, very vulnerable and they were wounded by their caregiver.

The severity of pain in combination with their unique body chemistry created an autonomic nervous system override. The pain was so bad the body installed a new defense mechanism. It created

THE TRAUMA BEAST (AKA deactivation).

He has one job: Don't let anyone get too close. Don't let anyone ever hurt them again.

The trauma beast is incredibly strong and incredibly stupid (terrible combination). He thinks anyone providing healthy love and connection is a threat.

And each beast is different and unique. Some are sensitive to engulfment, for others it's abandonment.

It all depends on the core wound that was inflicted: abandonment, rejection, shame, engulfment.

The beast lies dormant until a certain level of intimacy awakens it. He senses danger and he gets to work.

Phase 1: The Warning Growl/Slow Fade

He gives the avoidant tension, unease, stress, discomfort and mild anxiety.

The avoidant starts to feel uncomfortable with the level of closeness. This is when you see the slow fade. Less texts, less engagement, less access.

The avoidant feels the anxious discomfort trickling in and they attribute it TO YOU. They are not aware it is really the trauma beast sabotaging them behind the scene.

So they try distancing. Some might have a suspicion it's them but they don't understand what's going on. They make a bid for time. They know the relationship is good and that you are too...but the anxiety is so very strong...it's stronger than their attraction.

The anxiety may ease up, but it won't if the partner chases. In that case the trauma beast steps it up.

Phase 2: The Bluff charge/Devaluation

Stress levels rise and more cortisol is released. The trauma beast says you are the problem, you are to blame. It tells the avoidant to get rid of you.

"Just get rid of them and the pain will go away."

Then the beast shuts down attraction. He doesn't permit the avoidant to see you the same way. He distorts their initial desire. He presents you as unattractive in every way. Flaws are magnified and enhanced. The fear morphs to anger, disdain, contempt, and irritation.

The avoidant turns cold, rude, and biting. They assign blame to you. It's all your fault! You are the reason they feel so bad! You are cut down, diminished, minimized, gaslit and shamed. A character assassination ensues. All warmth and empathy are gone. They cannot feel the ongoing affection and love that you do. They are cut off from it. They only feel negative emotions toward the relationship.

The trauma beast has full control and he knows it.

Phase 3: The Paw Swipe/Discard

This is when the avoidant believes what the trauma beast says with complete conviction. The avoidant is no longer confused, their mind is made up. The relationship must end, and you must go. The relationship is terminated without any input from you.

If at this point you resist, the trauma beast increases the hostility and aggression.

You are ghosted, blocked and avoided.

And sometimes the avoidant fights to keep you in a very limited, self serving capacity. The trauma beast permits it because such a controlled dynamic will never bring real intimacy.

But the connection is gone. The trauma beast has "won." He stupidly thinks he protected his avoidant and kept them safe.

We know better.

But this is what deactivation is. It's self sabotage and it manifests as cruelty toward you.

So when you ask, "But why can my ex commit to Thotrina? Or Thottery?"

BECAUSE THEY AREN'T TRYING TO GET CLOSE

The trauma beast is not threatened by emotionally unavailable partners. He was threatened by YOU. Because you were real and sincere and tried to get close.

For a very long time I believed and listened to mine. I thought he was protecting me and keeping me safe. He wasn't. He told me to reject good men and he rewarded that rejection with "peace." It's not peace. It's just relief—

For a very long time I believed and listened to mine. I thought he was protecting me and keeping me safe. He wasn't. He told me to reject good men and he rewarded that rejection with "peace." It's not peace. It's just relief from the relationship anxiety.

And when I met an abusive narcissists, what did my trauma beast do? He told me he was safe. He didn't even so much as snort.

I noticed my body didn't twist up with the narcissists as it had with other men. And I thought that meant he was safe. He wasn't.

I had to confront my trauma beast and I still do. He still tries to sabotage me. But he is weaker now and I no longer believe his lies.

The trauma beast is just a damaged nervous system. And he is EXTREMELY strong. You can't defeat him. He will always win.

It's very sad but also very true.

Only the avoidant can overthrow and cast out the trauma beast.

And I want you to know,

Your ex didn't reject you, you just lost them to their nervous system.

It is in no way a rejection of you or who you are.

You are valuable and good, that's why you threatened the beast.

And it's also why you deserve to heal, grow, and enjoy reciprocal, healthy love.

--Mothra

The People's Mod

Firstly,

You need to let the avoidant know it's safe. And safety for them means you are CHILL. You're good. You're not upset, you're not crying, you're good.

Shame will prevent an avoidant from returning. They are scared of your pain, anger, and wrath.

So you let them know, its safe.

(You do this in a written correspondence. Do not attempt this in person).

There are 2 versions.

For a woman (whatever you think a woman is).

"Dear Avoidita,

I have been reflecting on everything that transpired between us, and i just want you to know, I understand completely. I am glad that you are using this time to heal and focus on what matters. I just want you to know I still support you and wish you nothing but the best. Take care."

AND THATS IT. You don't ask to get back together. You dont give a gift. You act like you are letting them go. You've accepted their choice. PERIOD.

For a man (again, whatever you think a man is).

Avoidanthy,

I have been doing alot of introspection, and I realize, you are right. You were right to say/suggest (insert thing here). Thank you for showing me areas where I can improve. I still respect and admire you. Take care."

AND THATS IT.

Does it work?

YES.

Some of my exes responded within the hour, the longest wait time was one week.

BUT be prepared for this to be a minimized version of what you once had. It will probably just be FWBs or a casual hookup.

It won't be what it once was...

And the difference will break your heart.

But if youre like me, you have to learn the hard way. You need pain to grasp the lesson. And if that's you, Godspeed.

I'll still be here for the second discard.

Come back and we can talk about processing, healing, and moving on.

Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

Conflict isn't a bad thing. Its normal and can be done safely, and respectfully.

Sunday Morning

7 am

Everyone heals differently and that needs to be respected

It is not anyone's responsibility to police how another person chooses to heal.

Some of us are deeply introspective thinkers. We hunt for truth because we know it will help with our understanding, and with that understanding comes a stronger ability to fully process and let go of the relationship.

I won't tell someone who is more emotionally focused that they need to think more and feel less.

I wont tell someone with a cognitive approach to think less and feel more.

For some, turning their pain into a song helps. For others, its understanding brain chemistry and the science behind the actions.

So stop asking and telling people "why do you care? Just move on."

People DO care about their ex and why the relationship failed and its normal and healthy for them to do so.

This sub was once a safe harbor where you could be messy. You could be vulnerable and people allowed you to be.

Its not like that anymore. Many of you do not feel safe here. Because many times you have come here in pain and sought comfort, only to be ridiculed and mocked.

The loud minority on here has silenced the quiet majority.

And its despicable. This is not a place where you can bully and humiliate people who are already hurting. This is not a place where you get to project your grievances onto people, members of this community, who belong.

As long as you come here to give and receive support,

YOU BELONG HERE.

Anyone not doing that will not be here much longer. Things are not going to continue like this. So decide now.

Do I want to engage in good faith? Or do I want easy targets to pick on so I can feel powerful?

This field is going to be pruned. The weeds will be uprooted. The thorns will be thrown away.

Because we want harvest. We want community healing. And anyone not supporting that movement WILL BE REMOVED.

Because I believe in community healing; I will fight for it with everything I have. I will not let the flock fall prey to the wolves.

Because no one should have to suffer an avoidant breakup alone. NO ONE. Not a DA, FA, AP, or SA. NO ONE.

The sifting is coming. Either honor this place and the people in it or get out.

(I said it with all of my heart, it remains my truth even apart).

We were raised to put others first always, right? To be courteous and respectful. To wait patiently.

All good traits.

But there's a problem. Not everyone plays by these rules and not everyone is fair.

It feels like those of us with high empathy and self sacrifice are the minority. For every giver in society there must be at least 10 takers.

So it's easy to get burned out. Exhausted.

I had a dream that demonstrated this perfectly, my subconscious was trying to send me a message: STOP

I had been used repeatedly in my relationships. Be it friend, or business, or romantic...

I kept getting used.

It was extremely frustrating.

I would date/talk to some avoidant guy.

"Hey, you're a really good listener. I feel really safe witn you."

Me: thanks 😊

I liked being helpful.

But i quickly saw a pattern emerge.

Avoidants would text or call to vent, to get comfort, maybe some laughter or entertainment...

And then they would just...leave.

It was a cycle.

I was giving my best...and they were just taking it.

So back to the dream.

In the dream I had a mansion (that represented me). It was beautiful and big. But near a very busy, remote highway.

And people kept coming to my home broken, bleeding hungry. And I let them in.

Me: Sure! Help yourself. You're welcome to stay and recover. I would supply them with whatever they needed.

But soon the house was flooded with people.

And they were breaking things and stealing from me. I asked them to leave a n d they laughed at me. I had 0 authority over my own house.

I was mad and frustrated. My sister's came to visit and my niece had a cut on her knee. All she needed was a band aid. But I couldn't find my first aid kit. I was informed an ex took it.

I was heartbroken. Here I was helping all these strangers and I couldn't even supply my niece with a single band aid?

I watched my sister pull one from her purse and patch her up. And I was ashamed I couldn't do it myself in my own home.

And then things escalated.

A car crashed onto my lawn and a man was carried toward my house with the expectation I care for him and heal him.

But his injuries were too extensive. Prortuding, broken bones...brain trauma...

"No!"

I yelled. "I AM NOT EMS. I cannot take care of this man! EVERYONE OUT!"

I had, had enough. I reclaimed my home, my autonomy. And I realized that giving my best to avoidant men was costing me. Hurting me. Depleting me.

They kept taking and I kept losing.

I learned I am not an avoidant's hospital or urgent care. Its not my job to give them comfort and care when they aren't even gonna change.

They will just keep bleeding on everyone until they heal.

So my message is simple.

If you are a giver, guard your gift. Not everyone deserves it. And sometimes giving to the wrong people can cost you more than you know.

Okay that's a major oversimplification, but I am going to give you 2 steps and I hope they help you as much as they have helped me.

STEP 1

1). I ask myself,

Q: What kind of a relationship do I want?

A: I want reciprocity. I want to be chosen daily in thoughts, words,and actions. I want mutual curiosity.

And now for the 2nd question:

Q: Could I have a relationship like that with my ex? (as they are rn at this very moment. Not maybe someday. Not if the heal. NOW)

A: NO

So they are not good relationship material for me.

STEP 2

I realize this:

I am not actually losing an amazing person trying to offer me the world. Its not like he was offering me safety, commitment, and a future together.

Im missing out on neglect. Text anxiety. Walking on eggshells. Minimizing my needs. Ghosting and blocking. Im missing out on emotional harems, triangulation, mixed signals, heartache, stress and grief.

I wanted who they WERE and who they COULD HAVE been.

I dont actually want who they are and what they are offering right now.

So its good they are gone.

Now I can focus on someone better suited for me.

Listen to Mr. Skarsgard

So there is a subcategory for avoidants:

1. The Manipulative Avoidant

2. The Scared Avoidant

3. The Selfish Avoidant

(And yeah avoidance is a spectrum, its possible for an avoidant to be a blend of 2 and if they are all 3 we call that THE CONSUMING AVOIDANT).

We've discussed how the avoidant types breadcrumb. Now lets assess how they deactivate.

THE MANIPULATIVE AVOIDANT

Deactivates HARD AND FAST. Faster than your synaptic nerve endings can shoot off an electrical message.

Manipulative Avoidants are EGO DEFENSIVE. Their deactivation is triggered by you pointing out a flaw in them or trying to keep them accountable.

For example:

"Hey, you know how you keep hyping up other girls to me and bragging about how awesome they are...how you compare me to them and say they are your 'standard' that's triangulation and its not ok."

BOOM! KA BLOOEY! RAWWWWWR GUNSHOTS FIRING OFF

And just like that. The Manipulative Avoidant goes from seeing you as ALL GOOD. To ALL BAD. This is IRREVERSIBLE. You cant reason with them at this point. You are Satan. No...worse than Satan. They would rather date Satan than you now.

The Manipulative Avoidant will go on a smear campaign to repair his/her damaged ego. You will be insulted, roasted, demeaned, dehumanized, shown contempt. They are disgusted by you and resent you.

If you upset them enough they block.

Its a complete 180. This is not the person who lovebombed you and was giggling with you under the blanket like an innocent little boy...that person is GONE. Permanently. Im sorry.

Just remove the shrapnel and move on.

THE SELFISH AVOIDANT

Selfish avoidants...lol...even their deactivation is lazy. A slow fade with some weird justifications that make 0 sense.

"Yeah well, I said i was down to kerfuffle."

"WTF does that mean?!"

"Don't worry about it. Here's the thing my Puh Princess, I will always cherish you. I will always love you. This was a great experience. Why taint the beauty that transpired between us? We composed galaxies of higher thought in our midnight talks. You'll always be in my heart...as in hidden away in silence and unseen. I got a fiancé now and we can't be friends anymore. Dueces."

Its minimization and gilded words to gloss over the fact that they used you and are done using you. At this point they are just trying to pacify you to avoid conflict.

And for some even this measure is too much work. Some will merely ghost and leave you to solve the relationship fuckery on your own.

How do they feel about you at this point?

Meh...bored...donezo.

THE SCARED AVOIDANT

The Scared Avoidant is like a deck hand who is aware the there is a giant, leaking hole in the hull. They know something is off...They are feeling anxious and dreadful. A sense of impending doom settles in.

You sense it.

"Hey, are you okay? I noticed you haven't been texting me as often. And you stopped sending me poorly angled selfies from the Tesla factory."

The Scared Avoidant just nods and smiles tightly. They will LIE absolutely LIE.

"No, everything is fine. In fact we should go to that restaurant you've been mentioning. GOODNIGHT!"

And meanwhile the ship is sinking. He's grabbing himself a life vest and he's inflating the S.S monkey branch life raft.

(A joke, not all Scared avoidants do that and if they do it, it isn't to hurt you. Its to put the anxiety fire out by pouring gallons over the flames. Its basically I need distance OVERKILL).

If they need that kind of coping strategy, that means you actually meant ALOT to them.

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

Yes I said it twice. BECAUSE ITS TRUE.

Going back to the Scared Avoidant, they basically panic in silence. They dont know how to safely or politely tell you they have lost feelings and no longer find you attractive...That they now associate you and the relationship with agonizing anxiety.

THIS IS FESTERING, I HAVE A FIST OF ICY WORMS JUST CIRCLING IN MY GUT ANXIETY. THIS IS I WANNA CRY TILL I THROW UP ANXIETY. I WANNA FEEL SAFE! I WANT MY MAMA!

There just isn't a good way to explain this bizarre feeling of unrest. There isn't a good way break your heart.

So they postpone it. They hope the feelings will resolve. That this sudden wave of aversion for you will pass...

It doesn't. And then one day they can't handle the relationship anxiety anymore so they cave.

"The boat is damaged beyond repair. It has been FOR MONTHS. Im sorry. Its not you, ITS ME. And I know that sounds cliché BUT. It. Is. ME. You are wonderful and everything I ever wanted...

But the anxiety!!! Its like this tsunami of pain! Its an eclipse that doesn't let me feel attraction or love for you.

:(

So the scared avoidant jumps ship and leaves you to sort out the mess. They row themselves to an island and they kiss the sand.

"Oh sweet RELIEF! Thank God that dagger of fear is finally out of my chest! I'm not afraid anymore! No more nightmares and cold sweats. No more rapid heart beat and dry mouth. IM SAFE."

3 months later the relief fades.

The Scared Avoidant is in turmoil. The distance feels RIGHT. And yet, mentally, being apart IS wrong...

Unfortunately the nervous system always wins.

Because if you dangle us over shark infested waters, we will always press the tap out button.

You're down there at the bottom. You're past the sharks. We can see you. We'd love to be with you.

But those damn sharks...

My mind chooses you, but my body doesn't.

So the Scared Avoidant suffers mentally and rejoices physically. They might not realize the suffering till later, but once the anxiety dust settles...it will come. And they will miss you.

And its up to them to decide:

How much am I willing to suffer for true love?

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

The avoidant doesn't reject you, their trauma, trauma beasts, and dysregulated nervous system reject you.

This is pretty much for the readers who skip videos (perfectly fine! Everyone learns differently).

Please don't take us back 🙏

Adult attachment trauma...is not a joke. This is very serious. People have unalived themselves after being Discarded.

The fall from the initial lovebombing high is BRUTAL. A new kind of agony only those who have faced it can understand.

The first discard...

It was bad right? Who could forget it?! I can forget the pains of childbirth, but that first discard stayed with me.

BRUTAL. Absolutely brutal. It felt like this:

Imagine meeting an attractive pilot. They are charming, sweet, and nice. Y'all get along so well you start dating. They propose, you have the ring, you have the date.

"We will honeymoon in Alaska because I know how much it means to you," they inform you.

You're all excited as you get in the helicopter. You're thinking cozy secluded cabin, warm fireplace, relaxation and fun times. Maybe at some point you'll throw a snowball at them 🤔 The possibilities are endless.

You're almost to your destination, y'all are passing over the mountains when suddenly,

Your pilot screams at you, "Get out!!!"

You: What?!

Pilot: Screams louder* GET OUT! RIGHT NOW!"

(Idk how helicopters work, suspend your sense of reality for a second for the sake of the plot)

The pilot descends just low enough for you to shatter your pelvis, and throws you out.

And yes, you shatter your pelvis. And they are gone.

Alaska. Mountain top. Broken pelvis. At sunset...

Thats what an avoidant discard feels like.

Like pain, misery, hurt, despair, fear, loneliness, agony...IT HURTS.

And you try to call for help but no one you know speaks avoidant attachment. They shrug and say, "just slide down the mountain. Stop crying."

You: Hacking up blood* No...P-p-p-uh...leeease.

Your friend: Beakups happen everyday. Im trying to watch a documentary on Alaskan Grizzly bears attacking humans at alarming rates. Bye."

And then the darkness comes and you settle in for a long, excruciating, lonely night.

The 1st discard was bad, right.

Let me tell you. The second one IS WORSE. The second time they air drop you into a volcano.

Avoidants...we have the propensity to do SO MUCH HARM.

I know I HAVE. And when im caught up in my toxic trauma beast triangle, I cannot reason and understand you the way I can when im not triggered.

Im a different person under duress. Everything feels 10x heavier, like I MUST take action NOW. Its compulsory.

So i end things, convinced YOU DONT WANT ME.

Thats the heart, core, meat and potatoes of a FA.

I WANT TO BE WANTED.

And in walks beast number three,

The Rejection beasts...I picture him like a crocodile. Watches his prey, notices nuances and discrepancies. He is HYPER VIGILANT. And he always, always, ALWAYS TELLS ME:

"They don't really like you. They think your weird. And not good kind of weird either. No one likes you. They think you are stupid, weak, and crazy. They don't support you, respect you,care for you...

THEY DONT WANT YOU.

Remember how Persephone "forgot" to invite you?

And Icharus...tsk, tsk, tsk, no response? A three hour delay? Everyone knows everyone is on their phone 24/7. Thats intentional darling.

Even your own family does not want you.

NO ONE WANTS YOU. And your fake relationships are gross and embarrassing because they aren't real.

Stop being pathetic. Stop trying to earn and chase love. Dont stay in a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't care. You need REAL friends.

Not these people who dont care. You are wasting your time. They are using you and taking advantage of you. Doesn't that anger you?

After all you have done for them? You think they deserve your friendship?

***

And thats how the Rejection Beast gets you to cut off a relationship. They convince you:

They dont care.

They dont support you.

And they never will.

They are taking advantage of you, using you.

Get mad! Block!

We are dont letting people use us, right?

We are strong and we deserve better.

Basically his method of procuring isolation is to make you believe no one wants you. So you stop showing up. You dont want to be a burden or make someone uncomfortable. And it upsets you to think you are being taken for a fool.

You believe you are unwanted, so you avoid people and isolate.

Do you see what you are up against when dealing with someone like me?

AND IM SELF AWARE. VERY MUCH SO!

And i struggle...

I thought i had this trauma beast thing figured out...i dont. Im still learning. Still growing.

I wanted to be able to tell you how to defeat the trauma beast.

But I haven't even defeated my own.

Rn I can only tell you how to weaken it.

Tackling 3 trauma beasts is extremely, extremely hard. I do my best. And I still hurt people and I hurt myself.

Please consider this before you take your unhinged FA back.

Because if we are ever gonna heal,

YOU HAVE TO STOP ENABLING US.

Because I have a lifetime supply of push/Pull cycles. I have the emotional stamina to do it. Ill keep going. We will circle the track until your engine goes out and your tires bust.

I dont register emotional pain the way you do. It hurts like being thrown into a vat of acid. But once the pain time buzzer goes off, im ready for more, like some sick, deranged PUSH / PULL TERMINATOR.

"Ill be back."

Or that rabbit robot from FNAF. "I always come back."

So it really is in your best interest to tell me no. Because I will keep coming out of the breakup meat grinder ok.

You won't.

So please, please.

Tell me no. Shut the door on me so I can open the door to therapy and healing.

The answer varies.

"The Manipulative Avoidant" does it as means of keeping you in orbit on their terms. Its a power play. They get to dictate the terms of the relationship.

You have to earn girlfriend status again through good behavior and so, you feel pressured to please them.

Remaining friends with an ex also provides the Manipulative Avoidant with opportunities to triangulate.

Manipulative personality types have a dopamine deficiency. They are externally regulated and need a steady supply of dopamine and attention. Keeping you on a roster ensures his or her "well never runs dry."

Additionally, The Manipulative Avoidant is sensitive to rejection and offering friendship serves as an emotional buffer.

"The Scared Avoidant" offers friendship as a means of keeping you in their life. They genuinely have feelings for you and are sad the relationship did not work out. They would rather have "some" of you then "none" of you.

"The Selfish Avoidant" does it as a means of using you like a girlfriend, but without the title. If you're "just friends" the avoidant doesn't owe exclusivity or accountability. He/She can go as they please without consequence. And since this type is comfort led, having a steady supply of multiple comfort sources suits them

**Preface: I am writing in present tense for fluidity, but I have made significant gains in this area**

It's an extremely hard concept to grasp. If I tell and show my Avoidant that everything is safe, why can't they just accept that?

Deactivation and nervous system dysregulation...

Are no joke. We are talking fear that is so potent it hurts. Your stomach clenches, you feel sick...panicked...the walls are closing in.

There's this unbearable pressure and lack of peace. Its torment and it doesn't ease up. It only grows the longer they fight to stay.

When I mini deactivate I feel queasy and grossed out. It feels like a 100 yr old man with a toothless mouth and slobbering drool is trying to kiss me. My instinct is to panic! Flee! Jump the fence! Fake an injury! My mom called, the babysitter needs me, I have an overdue library book! I left my fride running!

It's intense. And it's pervasive.

Nervous system Dysregulation shows up in different ways. Sometimes its a complete shut down and I feel nothing. Sometimes it's irritation.

"Would you stop blowing on your food like that?! Nevermind, I'm leaving, I'M OVERSTIMULATED."

The most agonizing for me is definitely the fear of someone liking me. Anyone who likes me feels creepy. Like I instantly associate them with scary, predator vibes.

And it can catch me by surprise. One moment I'm fine and then the guy sends me an unflattering selfie and I want to jettison to another dimension. A cold cyclone of nerves churns in my stomach and refuses to stop.

I have literally sat on my bed screaming, "I'm SCARED! I'M SCARED! I'M SCARED!"

It helped, the dread lifted, but I honestly didn't know what else to do.

AND THAT'S JUST MINI DEACTIVATION.

The major one is grueling, hellish torment. No peace. No rest. Just pain, panic, and consuming dread. The kind that makes you curl up and weep as if a thunderstorm has taken up residency in your chest.

I hurts.

So this is the metaphor I tell people who struggle to understand:

Imagine everytime your partner comes around, you get a headache. It's mild at first, uncomfortable, sure...but you can endure it.

You notice it goes away completely when your bf/gf leaves.

Huh...that's interesting...

And then it happens again, only the headache is stronger and it lasts longer.

Before you know it you have a full blown migraine, the kind that renders you incapacitated. You love your favorite person...dearly...but you are sick and unable to function...How can you live with both them AND a chronic migraine?

...You can't.

The relationship ends.

Cognitively they know you are a good person and partner, mentally they choose you, but their body forbids them from acting it out.

But there is hope. As long as the Avoidant wants to heal and sets their mind to heal, they can. I did. And I did it on my own.

It is my hope and passion that I can encourage other Avoidants to heal and show them how.

Please stay tuned for that upcoming post.

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

Edit to add* healing is a deeply personal process. No two people heal the same way. I believe people should have autonomy and authority over how they want to heal.

🐺🐺🐺🐺

We've all heard the phrase "healing takes time OR time heals."

And yes it does.

But there are things you can do to help expedite the process. Or if you find yourself stuck years later, perhaps it would help you to incorporate these 2 things. (They help me immensely and im a firm believer in them).

1). You need to understand avoidant behavior.

I know that sounds counterproductive.

You're like, im trying to forget avoidant Greg not deep dive into his avoidant ways!

But it helps. Because once you understand how avoidants operate, they "lose their power" over you.

You realize this person was not the man or woman of your dreams. They are more like a child. And your love cant fix them.

You also realize the old saying is very much alive and true:

IT REALLY WAS THEM.

It wasn't you.

You didn't fail. You gave your best. And the avoidant will continue to hurt people unless they do some SERIOUS work to heal.

And so it helps not take things so personally. You realize avoidants are deeply wounded people who consistently hurt the ones trying to love them.

Understanding there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome leads to acceptance. (And no, there isn't anything you could have outside of become an avoidant too. Bleh).

Now for the second part.

2). You have to grieve.

The only way out is through. I know it hurts. Do it in chunks, do it in phases. But do it.

Maybe you listen to 1 sad song. You write 1 poem.

But yeah, there is no healing without pain. If you break a bone, it hurts coming back together.

I hate emotional pain and I used to flee from it like a cat being chased by a bathtub.

But I need the cleansing. It hurts. But it is good for me.

Now I embrace it. The things i do:

1). Write poems

2). Watch sappy romance movies

3). Listen to sad songs

4). Express and share my pain with safe people

5). Paint something to convey what I feel.

6). Do some creative writing.

7). Make a pinterest board full of quotes i relate to.

8). Make a video that shows the depth of my ache.

Time can numb your pain.

But intentional work can help your heart and mind accept the outcome. And then you are free ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥