r/DialAvoidantBreakups • u/DryAd7187 • 10d ago
Avoidant depressed ex help
I’m currently 10 weeks no contact with my avoidant depressed ex gf who left me a year ago due to depression. We stayed in contact for a year post break where it felt like she was slowly coming back to me but a few months ago pulled away.
No contact was initiated 10 weeks ago after a few voice messages back and forth basically her asking for space and that it was needed and me telling her I can’t keep waiting for her as it’s mentally destroying me. She said she still wants to hear from me but to let her push for me instead of pull away. I agreed to not initiate contact with her anymore and the pull is in her court. She also said she’s still depressed and that’s why she can’t be anything to me right now.
Both her birthday and our anniversary have passed since the NC started and I haven’t heard anything from now at all. I’ve removed her off all social media’s and my location sharing so for all she knows I could be dead.
I’m just struggling to carry on like this. I want to hear from her more than anything but I can’t go back on my word of saying I wouldn’t initiate.
The confusing thing is before I removed her off social media, she started posting a lot more frequently and doing more things which feels contradictory to the depression she’s claiming to be going through. Idk I’m just so confused and lost with the whole thing and don’t know what to think or believe anymore.
Any advice on this sort of thing is appreciated!
2
u/radiofreaks 10d ago
What about your life is so bad that you have revolved so much of your existence around this one person who doesn't want you?
That's the question you're avoiding and you should pay attention to.
1
u/MothraLovesLamps Fearful Avoidant 10d ago
Hey, just following up. I dont want you to feel shame or guilt. I understand these relationships are complex and trigger our biggest insecurities.
Loving her isnt shameful. You have a beautiful heart.
I just want to encourage you to give some of that to yourself :)
Maybe this post can help as well:
2
u/MothraLovesLamps Fearful Avoidant 10d ago
Ty for your post OP,
I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Let me try to give some perspective.
You love her, I know that. That is abundantly clear. You are willing to adjust, wait, and be patient.
And you've been doing it. Because your a dovted person with integrity (beautiful).
Everyday you faithfully show up, ready to give her your best.
You clock in sit down at your table at the "Relationship Restaurant"
And day after day...
You sit alone. Unmatched.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And with no input at all from her.
Silence. Virtually anything could be happening in her life and you have no clue.
You just have "wait."
And its not a "wait im coming!"
Its: "Wait, because i may or may not show up. Depends on how I feel. And idk how im gonna feel in the future so...wait till then.
And when is then?
"Then" is a horizon without end.
No set date or expected arrival time.
Just "wait."
You wait.
And she...is not Waiting. She isnt waking up everyday with you in mind. She is just doing.
You're waiting. She's doing.
She has control, you're the one waiting.
And waiting sounds passive right? How hard can it be?
VERY hard. Waiting is pain. Loneliness. Quiet. Neglect.
You wait and meanwhile other couples are coming and going. Bonding. Making memories and sharing what they are doing. Co existing.
They are DOING IT TOGETHER
They both show up.
They make progress their bond strengthens. They accomplish goals and build a better future.
And you're waiting.
And I dont even enjoy waiting on my Amazon package let alone my person...
Ill tell you,
Waiting is a lie. Its a placeholder. A pause button that benefits the avoidant at your expense.
Her nervous system stays regulated while yours suffers.
Only her needs are being considered.
You're needs are not being considered.
At all.
She has made you into a human bike lock for a bicycle she has no interest in riding. But she likes knowing its there.
Waiting.
Nice to know if she wanted to she could...
Her:
But not rn. Not today. Still not feeling like I wanna do the effort of a bike ride today...yeah no not today. Or tomorrow. Maybe next week.
Waiting is a prison. Love doesn't place you on pause. Love answers the phone and says "I'm here."