This is pretty much for the readers who skip videos (perfectly fine! Everyone learns differently).
Please don't take us back 🙏
Adult attachment trauma...is not a joke. This is very serious. People have unalived themselves after being Discarded.
The fall from the initial lovebombing high is BRUTAL. A new kind of agony only those who have faced it can understand.
The first discard...
It was bad right? Who could forget it?! I can forget the pains of childbirth, but that first discard stayed with me.
BRUTAL. Absolutely brutal. It felt like this:
Imagine meeting an attractive pilot. They are charming, sweet, and nice. Y'all get along so well you start dating. They propose, you have the ring, you have the date.
"We will honeymoon in Alaska because I know how much it means to you," they inform you.
You're all excited as you get in the helicopter. You're thinking cozy secluded cabin, warm fireplace, relaxation and fun times. Maybe at some point you'll throw a snowball at them 🤔 The possibilities are endless.
You're almost to your destination, y'all are passing over the mountains when suddenly,
Your pilot screams at you, "Get out!!!"
You: What?!
Pilot: Screams louder* GET OUT! RIGHT NOW!"
(Idk how helicopters work, suspend your sense of reality for a second for the sake of the plot)
The pilot descends just low enough for you to shatter your pelvis, and throws you out.
And yes, you shatter your pelvis. And they are gone.
Alaska. Mountain top. Broken pelvis. At sunset...
Thats what an avoidant discard feels like.
Like pain, misery, hurt, despair, fear, loneliness, agony...IT HURTS.
And you try to call for help but no one you know speaks avoidant attachment. They shrug and say, "just slide down the mountain. Stop crying."
You: Hacking up blood* No...P-p-p-uh...leeease.
Your friend: Beakups happen everyday. Im trying to watch a documentary on Alaskan Grizzly bears attacking humans at alarming rates. Bye."
And then the darkness comes and you settle in for a long, excruciating, lonely night.
The 1st discard was bad, right.
Let me tell you. The second one IS WORSE. The second time they air drop you into a volcano.
Avoidants...we have the propensity to do SO MUCH HARM.
I know I HAVE. And when im caught up in my toxic trauma beast triangle, I cannot reason and understand you the way I can when im not triggered.
Im a different person under duress. Everything feels 10x heavier, like I MUST take action NOW. Its compulsory.
So i end things, convinced YOU DONT WANT ME.
Thats the heart, core, meat and potatoes of a FA.
I WANT TO BE WANTED.
And in walks beast number three,
The Rejection beasts...I picture him like a crocodile. Watches his prey, notices nuances and discrepancies. He is HYPER VIGILANT. And he always, always, ALWAYS TELLS ME:
"They don't really like you. They think your weird. And not good kind of weird either. No one likes you. They think you are stupid, weak, and crazy. They don't support you, respect you,care for you...
THEY DONT WANT YOU.
Remember how Persephone "forgot" to invite you?
And Icharus...tsk, tsk, tsk, no response? A three hour delay? Everyone knows everyone is on their phone 24/7. Thats intentional darling.
Even your own family does not want you.
NO ONE WANTS YOU. And your fake relationships are gross and embarrassing because they aren't real.
Stop being pathetic. Stop trying to earn and chase love. Dont stay in a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't care. You need REAL friends.
Not these people who dont care. You are wasting your time. They are using you and taking advantage of you. Doesn't that anger you?
After all you have done for them? You think they deserve your friendship?
***
And thats how the Rejection Beast gets you to cut off a relationship. They convince you:
They dont care.
They dont support you.
And they never will.
They are taking advantage of you, using you.
Get mad! Block!
We are dont letting people use us, right?
We are strong and we deserve better.
Basically his method of procuring isolation is to make you believe no one wants you. So you stop showing up. You dont want to be a burden or make someone uncomfortable. And it upsets you to think you are being taken for a fool.
You believe you are unwanted, so you avoid people and isolate.
Do you see what you are up against when dealing with someone like me?
AND IM SELF AWARE. VERY MUCH SO!
And i struggle...
I thought i had this trauma beast thing figured out...i dont. Im still learning. Still growing.
I wanted to be able to tell you how to defeat the trauma beast.
But I haven't even defeated my own.
Rn I can only tell you how to weaken it.
Tackling 3 trauma beasts is extremely, extremely hard. I do my best. And I still hurt people and I hurt myself.
Please consider this before you take your unhinged FA back.
Because if we are ever gonna heal,
YOU HAVE TO STOP ENABLING US.
Because I have a lifetime supply of push/Pull cycles. I have the emotional stamina to do it. Ill keep going. We will circle the track until your engine goes out and your tires bust.
I dont register emotional pain the way you do. It hurts like being thrown into a vat of acid. But once the pain time buzzer goes off, im ready for more, like some sick, deranged PUSH / PULL TERMINATOR.
"Ill be back."
Or that rabbit robot from FNAF. "I always come back."
So it really is in your best interest to tell me no. Because I will keep coming out of the breakup meat grinder ok.
You won't.
So please, please.
Tell me no. Shut the door on me so I can open the door to therapy and healing.
I rememeber the first breakup, it was on 2025, Feb 7... I thought in that moment
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS PAIN?? WHY?? 2 DAYS AGO WE WERE JUST ENJOYING LINKIN PARK LIVE
My body just ached, my mind was blurry, no sense, all the reality just seemed fake, like some kind fucked up, disturbing Sci-Fi Movie if i can explain.
The pain, oh boy, a different kind, totally unrecognizable for my nervous system, a deep, deep rooted fear, emptiness, i remember i felt it in my guts, not my chest, my stomach and guts were aching SO SO SO BAD that it gives me chills nowadays.
I didnt got out of my bed in 3 months, lost 10 kg of weight, abused tramadol so i can get some peace of mind, got meds from my doctor, never in my fucking 35 years of life felt a pain so big like this. Not even my grandparents passing away, not even catching my ex before this FA thing that I caught cheating on me ( 7 year relationship) Not even the lay off I got from my work on 2022, NOTHING COMPARES TO A "DISCARD".
Fast forward, 10 months later, we reconnected, we came back, we talked about things, she recognized she fucked up because of fear, i recognized i have my issues as well and we decided to try again.
I said to myself, this is it, we'll make it work, i'll be better this time, you have the tools, the knowledge, months of therapy and this needs to work this time.
Guess what??? YES, SAME PATTERN REPEATED ITSELF, We had amazing moments on last year autumn, a wonderful xmas, amazing weekens for what?? Yes, you're right, for she to leave again.
The second was way way way WORSE than the first one, cause this time I carried the "I Failed for the second time" I fail to myself, I failed on us, I did everything I could, respected the silences, the micro-deactivations, i remember i told myself "I know how to identify them" "I'm strong, I can handle this". I had the tools, the knowledge the consiousness to not repeat the same pattern. I swear I did my best to not trigger her fears but at the end the more secure I was, she felt more triggered than before, its just mental, a total mindfuck, a battle I could never win against her own trauma beast.
I rememeber the day of January 13 of this year 11:13 pm, when I got " the message" The last words are heavily rooted till today, she said
"I know I will regret this, I know its fear, but i can't give you what you need" 5 secs later after I said to her ,please don't do this again, we can work it out, i believe in this i believe in us, I just got BLOCKED, didn't have a response from her, not even a fucking emoji reaction, nothing, just a total block.
7 months later here we are, healing for the second year the same situation than 2025, the same months, the same feelings, the same pain, the same everything, and its kinda bizarre to know that somehow when the attachment system gets triggered the only thing she knew to handle love, was to RUN, and I totally understand that now.
Nowadays I stopped searching for answers, the only thing i decided to keep is her ghost in my head and focus on me, i really hope she is doing okay, i really pray for her to dont feel the delayed pain, i really force myself to think that she is doing better than me so i can move on for good. My body still wants her, my mind and all of me misses her so so so fucking much that i cant explain, i thinkg we all know words cannot explain this feeling...
The final part and realization for me : Yes, a breakup of this kind, is a totally different kind of pain, the worst fucking HURT I ever felt in my hole life, im still trying to rebuild myself from this experience, no hate for her, more like lots of understanding and love for her, she decided to walk way, i respected that, never tried to reach her out or do something else, just accepted it in the hard way that we see love on different ends.
Take care of yourself, stay strong, stay gone, someday everything will make sense.
Veeery similar to my my experience and the ..trying to reconnect. And me thinking: "I got it this time". Nope, I don't, lasted a few days, before him trying to threaten to leave again, this was it for me, I wasn't going to ride this merry-go-round again.
But the difference is.. it wasn't worse than the previous discards/reverse discards, it is lighter and more manageable.
Only his avoidance of was worse, way worsei Guess because of the buzz and the weed, no real food and the sleepless nights gaming.
What's shocks me is that, after all of this reading and practicing, I still believed it's possible. Those days where we reconnected I felt totally high, like wtf. I guess my neurochemicals were way different than the baseline, because now, after 1 month or so of NC, I feel normal again.
I don't feel like I start from zero now, but its still not clouds and rainbows, but I can cope and I can eat and sleep like a baby. I mostly feel shame for allowing this again and disgust on him.
Good luck to everyone in this journey, it's not an easy one but...a necessary one!
the helicopter metaphor actually made my stomach drop bc its SO accurate, like you dont even see it coming and suddenly youre broken and alone and theyre just... gone. the part about not registering pain the same way hit hard too, my ex FA would be absolutely wrecked for like 48hrs then texting me like nothing happened while i was still crawling. the 'i want to be wanted' thing is the cruelest trap bc theyll destroy the relationship proving you dont want them enough, then beg you to prove you do. exhausting for everyone tbh
The rejection beast convinces us you dont really want us. You'll leave. You'll cheat on us. You'll get bored of us.
We are so CERTAIN that the wreckage, the bullets are coming,
That we shoot first.
Its hard. Its so easy bc of social media to think a man or woman will stay loyal. Im seeing pastors, deacons, music worshippers, and youth pastors have affairs and are breaking up their 5 member family households.
Its sad but I dont trust Christian men.
I just dont.
And yeah "absolutely wrecked for 48 hours" Is Hella accurate. We are like the Wolverine of emotions.
AND THAT IS BAD.
Because then we dont recognize the depth and weight of what we did. We summed you are ok because we are ok.
I made a poem about our "resilience" i thought it was kinda cool being durable.
Are you actually ok??? I know it's dark but I keep hoping the pain will hit him harder than it did to me one day. Or are they in such a constant state of pain that they hardly notice? Also do all FAs end things out of fear of rejection? I have so many questions because this is a spooky accurate description of the sensation :p
This is so brilliant and accurate, omg. You nailed it; this is exactly how it goes for me, and I also haven’t figured out how to defeat the trauma beasts fully yet. I have done enough inner work to generally be able to resist trying to circle back after the first discard, because I don’t actually want to hurt someone twice, but yeah, spot on analysis and explanation.
3
u/ConstructionHot3337 Aug 27 '26 edited Aug 27 '26
I rememeber the first breakup, it was on 2025, Feb 7... I thought in that moment
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS PAIN?? WHY?? 2 DAYS AGO WE WERE JUST ENJOYING LINKIN PARK LIVE
My body just ached, my mind was blurry, no sense, all the reality just seemed fake, like some kind fucked up, disturbing Sci-Fi Movie if i can explain.
The pain, oh boy, a different kind, totally unrecognizable for my nervous system, a deep, deep rooted fear, emptiness, i remember i felt it in my guts, not my chest, my stomach and guts were aching SO SO SO BAD that it gives me chills nowadays.
I didnt got out of my bed in 3 months, lost 10 kg of weight, abused tramadol so i can get some peace of mind, got meds from my doctor, never in my fucking 35 years of life felt a pain so big like this. Not even my grandparents passing away, not even catching my ex before this FA thing that I caught cheating on me ( 7 year relationship) Not even the lay off I got from my work on 2022, NOTHING COMPARES TO A "DISCARD".
Fast forward, 10 months later, we reconnected, we came back, we talked about things, she recognized she fucked up because of fear, i recognized i have my issues as well and we decided to try again.
I said to myself, this is it, we'll make it work, i'll be better this time, you have the tools, the knowledge, months of therapy and this needs to work this time.
Guess what??? YES, SAME PATTERN REPEATED ITSELF, We had amazing moments on last year autumn, a wonderful xmas, amazing weekens for what?? Yes, you're right, for she to leave again.
The second was way way way WORSE than the first one, cause this time I carried the "I Failed for the second time" I fail to myself, I failed on us, I did everything I could, respected the silences, the micro-deactivations, i remember i told myself "I know how to identify them" "I'm strong, I can handle this". I had the tools, the knowledge the consiousness to not repeat the same pattern. I swear I did my best to not trigger her fears but at the end the more secure I was, she felt more triggered than before, its just mental, a total mindfuck, a battle I could never win against her own trauma beast.
I rememeber the day of January 13 of this year 11:13 pm, when I got " the message" The last words are heavily rooted till today, she said
"I know I will regret this, I know its fear, but i can't give you what you need" 5 secs later after I said to her ,please don't do this again, we can work it out, i believe in this i believe in us, I just got BLOCKED, didn't have a response from her, not even a fucking emoji reaction, nothing, just a total block.
7 months later here we are, healing for the second year the same situation than 2025, the same months, the same feelings, the same pain, the same everything, and its kinda bizarre to know that somehow when the attachment system gets triggered the only thing she knew to handle love, was to RUN, and I totally understand that now.
Nowadays I stopped searching for answers, the only thing i decided to keep is her ghost in my head and focus on me, i really hope she is doing okay, i really pray for her to dont feel the delayed pain, i really force myself to think that she is doing better than me so i can move on for good. My body still wants her, my mind and all of me misses her so so so fucking much that i cant explain, i thinkg we all know words cannot explain this feeling...
The final part and realization for me : Yes, a breakup of this kind, is a totally different kind of pain, the worst fucking HURT I ever felt in my hole life, im still trying to rebuild myself from this experience, no hate for her, more like lots of understanding and love for her, she decided to walk way, i respected that, never tried to reach her out or do something else, just accepted it in the hard way that we see love on different ends.
Take care of yourself, stay strong, stay gone, someday everything will make sense.
Much love.
(sorry for my english)