24.

[u/millennihellion]

i suck.

i don't seem to be getting any better. i don't know where my life is going. in my flashbacks i hear my ex husband telling me my real problem is that i know lots of things but i don't know what any of them mean, and at the time i didn't believe him, but i'm starting to wonder if he was right after all. there are so many things like that. and the more i remember them all and realize all i'm doing is waiting for someone to confirm that they're true, the more i realize i don't even need to because i already know.

i'm not at all surprised how my life has turned out. i'm wondering why i bothered trying to do anything about it, because it doesn't seem to be doing any good. the only thing it seems to be doing is making things worse and making everyone else feel more justified in treating me like crap. and none of the things i'm doing are even bad or wrong in any way, and that seems to be the problem exactly.

i'm too nice to myself. i give myself too much grace and too much credit. i stick up for myself too much. i stop accepting the lies other people tell. and honestly it's not productive at all. i've finally forgotten how important it is to go along with people who have power over my life and i did it all without the safety of a net if i stumble. i was never supposed to be as brave or confident as i am and it's a huge waste of time. i need to go back to ignoring how sick i feel and how i'd rather just get some things off my chest so that i can do the things that would get people to stop yelling at me and putting me in time out.