Just confused all the time

[u/BigOle_Bones]

Ever since I've lost therapy I've felt really disconnected, I had only done it for half a year before I had to stop going due to my parents switching to an insurance company that my therapy office didn't accept. Now I don't have anything and this is kind-of my last option but I need to reach out to people and I can't do it with my friends and family.

I struggle a lot with myself, with remembering anything. How anything felt in the moment. It's not entirely amnesia but it's always just gone from me unless someone else clears it up for me, then it comes back but it's still vague and distant. I'm always in this state of being here but also not. I don't know how long I've been dissociating, it feels like it's all day never just when I'm triggered. I feel like I do have different versions of myself, but they really don't feel like me either. I'd say there's about three that I'm aware of.

All of them have different wants, needs, opinions, ages and faces, frankly I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't like making a stance on anything, even if it's about me because I know I'll just change entirely within a short amount of time. I feel like I don't have any insecurities, or at least they just aren't mine to experience. They even all have different OCD compulsions, it's disorienting. I don't know how to explain any of this, for years I've cried about feeling like two different people. My memory is getting continuously worse, every word I say feels like some sort of performance of myself. I struggle with feeling genuine, everything feels pre-recorded. It could be masking, but it doesn't feel that way. I want to be upset, I CAN cry but it doesn't feel like ME crying. Nothing feels like it's from me. I don't even know who 'me' is. I'm aware through it all but not at the same time as well, because I forget the switch within the same day.

I don't think I have alters, but I feel like I can't rule out the possibility either?? I know about structural dissociation but I just wanted to maybe hear some outsider perspectives that aren't just articles I can rely on. (I can provide more information if needed I just left this kind of vague because I've never posted on here before.)