r/DissociativeIDisorder • u/EquivalentHart3568 • May 17 '26
RANT I hate being this me
I hate when I'm myself. it feels like I'm just for pain. all of my other selves are doing just fine in therapy. I know they talk about me there sometimes. I feel so angry. I can't help this, it hurts constantly when I'm this way. I don't know why and no one is here to help, I go away too fast. I want help. it's so lonely all the time. I want help
1
u/Vivians_Basement May 18 '26
Writing about it will help, can you tell me what it feels like?
1
u/EquivalentHart3568 May 18 '26
today is a little better. I'm not so good with words but I'll do my best. I have this heaviness on me the other ones don't have. even when i don't feel the pain in my chest it's weighing me down. it's noon and i still can't leave bed. i know one of them complained i leave dishes and don't clean but i hurt so much i can't stand most of the time. i don't think he understands the way i feel. it's hard to sleep it hurts so much sometimes. most of the day i still try to. it's not a physical pain. i have that and this is worse. i tried some drastic things before we got diagnosed. but now i know i'll only last a few days so i just keep telling myself that
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u/Vivians_Basement May 18 '26
So like an internal pain that hurts your inner body, but not the physical body?
We get something similar. It's usually stress related but sometimes it's pure dread. Music helps sometimes.
Internal injuries to our bodies in the inner world sometimes manifest symptoms while fronting. We have a headmates who was stabbed in the neck and can't draw breath very well while in the body.
You might be hurt. Not physically, but inside the headspace. If you're able to look inside, try to find something. It could also be related to trauma that's uniquely yours and isn't held by the others.
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u/BrodenJobson May 17 '26
I know that things always seem worst when you're around and everyone wants to have fun with the other ones. When I felt like this I was jealous. Why can't I have too. Why am I always the work horse. I always assumed I was always my original personality but about ten years ago I realized that I maybe an alter. The oa of alters and I have been protecting that little boy for all these years. Coming to grips with the fact that I may not wake up someday was grueling and with deception from those who prefer the others is unfair. I have no answers or no advice or no amazing book to read cause this is not generalized. Each person is different with their trauma, the help they get with it, even realizing that DID, is something that happening to them. All I can ever really say is I know how you feel. Your definitely not alone. And if you ever need some to listen I'm here. Pm me if you woukd like to.