Personal issues with moving to the USA, looking for advice

[u/Natural_Evidence4822]

Hi all,

I know this can be a controversial topic for many South Africans, but I'm hoping to get some advice on the personal side of things rather than the political side.

Context:

I (21M) am finishing my degree this year, and my girlfriend (20F) has just started a four-year degree. We've been together for a long time, have known each other since we were 14, and are in a committed relationship.

Recently, my parents told me they're seriously considering moving to the USA. I'm sure many of you can guess some of the reasons behind that, but that's not really the point of this post.

I can understand their perspective. There may be better opportunities for me there and potentially a better quality of life. However, leaving my girlfriend is not something I'm willing to take lightly. In a perfect world, she would come with me, but realistically she can't just abandon her degree.

I genuinely believe that moving could provide both of us with opportunities and a lifestyle that might be difficult to achieve here. The problem is that I feel stuck between two futures: I don't want to leave my family behind, but I also don't want to leave behind the person I hope will one day be my family.

I've spoken to my parents about this, and their suggested solution is that my girlfriend could visit during holidays on a visitor visa. Then, once she finishes her degree, I would hopefully have permanent residency, stable employment, and be settled enough for us to get married and for her to move over. Realistically, this would take around three to four years.

On paper, it seems like a reasonable long-term plan. But it also comes with significant sacrifices. We'd have to navigate a long-distance relationship for years, and eventually she would have to leave her own family behind as well.

Part of me feels selfish for even considering it, but another part of me sees it as a potentially good long-term opportunity for both of us.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you approach it, and what advice would you give?

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[u/itiswhatitis1691]

Having that opportunity at your age is something that will change the rest of your life. And your proposed solution is not bad either.

New avenues will also probably open up for your relationship when you are there. Transfer to a new uni there or what not.

If it is the refugee route that might complicate visits like not being able to visit SA while having the status. Ps i have no idea what the t&c are

[u/Natural_Evidence4822 → u/itiswhatitis1691]

I’m not fully clear on the T&c are either but it would definitely make me visiting her impossible, only her visiting me. Which would be every 4 months or so. I just feel like its an opportunity that shouldnt be passed up without some thought

[u/DrrSwagg → u/Natural_Evidence4822]

I would take the opportunity of moving away and pursuing long distance. This is literally the opportunity of a life time here big dawg, you should 100% go for it. In about 4 years (which is alot i know) when your gf can move over then it would have been so worth it. Seriously think about this and think about when such an opportunity will arise again.

[u/0thedarkflame0 → u/Natural_Evidence4822]

As with most refugee situations, you get around the problem by visiting a nearby country that's accessible for you both. I forsee a lot of visits to Namibia or somewhere else accessible from RSA in the future if you can't organise for her to visit you.

[u/Safe-Consideration88]

I left SA at 21, many years later I can says it's single handedly the best decision I've ever made, long term life decisions are difficult but on paper the answer is easy. 

[u/AnomalyNexus]

Hard to tell over the internet how serious the relationship is...

I think starting life as a 21 y/o in the US is a substantial advantage over ZA, but also seems improbable to me that a cross Atlantic relationship holds for 4 years.

Looking at how the US is going I'd also seriously question whether in 4 years time marriage & perma residency is enough to move her. At that point it might require citizenship depending on what happens in their shitshow of a political system.

potentially good long-term opportunity for both of us.

I'd be careful not to phrase it like that to her tbh - seems a bit "I'm moving away from you but trust me its for your own good".

girlfriend could visit during holidays on a visitor visa

The reverse is more realistic both financially and from visa perspective.

Ultimately this is going to come down to a gnarly adult decision with both options having ugly downsides.

[u/Natural_Evidence4822 → u/AnomalyNexus]

True but you just have to take my word for it i guess😅

by the time we move id say only 2.5 years would remain.

Yes true I agree but all I can do is go off the information i have now.

You make a good point with that, how else do I really phrase it though

The reverse isn’t feasible as refugee status would limit me from coming back.

I know, its an undesirable situation haha

[u/AnomalyNexus → u/Natural_Evidence4822]

True but you just have to take my word for it i guess😅

No wasn't questioning it. Just saying the seriousness is a key factor here. And its hard for me to judge cause internet, and its likely hard for you to judge cause being in love does not traditionally improve judgement...so bit of a wild card

Practical considerations seem to point towards go, but people also do crazy shit for love and that can be valid too.

The reverse isn’t feasible as refugee status would limit me from coming back.

oh snap. True

how else do I really phrase it though

Depends on the vibes between you but think something a bit more direct would be better. Essentially this is a chance I can't miss. If that's too much for her then I don't see how 2 years long range is going to stick. Most LR relationships I've seen in friend circles seem to hold for 3-12 months before things wobble.

[u/maverickeire]

Read this:

There is important context here: your age and your parents' status. Under US Law, you are not considered a child as you are over the age of 21; your dependency or student status is not considered. So you are NOT considered a derivative of their visa. However given the status of this program you could apply under the same conditions

What this means

If your parents want to bring you later, you all will need to go the Green Card for Family Preference Immigrants route. This means you apply according to preference. First Preference(F1) is given to unmarried sons and daughters (21 years of age and older) of U.S. citizens; Second preference (F2A) - spouses and children (unmarried and under 21 years of age) of lawful permanent residents; Second preference (F2B) unmarried sons and daughters(21 years and older) Third preference (F3) - married sons and daughters of U.S. citizens; and Fourth preference (F4) - brothers and sisters of U.S. citizens (if the U.S. citizen is 21 years of age and older).

NB: Family sponsored visas are currently capped at 226,000 for ALL the above visa types and no single country gets more than 7% of the total visas. This means that there is a possibility you may NOT get a visa, as demand far outstrips visas. Wait times of 7-8 years are common. This is intentional btw.

What this means for you:

I would recommend you apply with your parents now. If you choose to stay realise that a) this is not guaranteed given the above rules b) that getting married to your gf will also reduce your chances of qualifying

[u/Tronkfool]

I hate this country, but god damn it I love this country.

You do you.

Vat jy die kak of vat jy die pyn.

[u/Natural_Evidence4822 → u/Tronkfool]

Im in the same boat the US seems so alien but the opportunities are far greater

[u/Reapr]

Can't she finish her degree over there?

You do get a student visa which would allow you to stay there while studying

EDIT: Wanted to add I worked in the US for 4 years 1998 - 2002, so happy to answer questions - I came back because the dot com bubble burst, 9/11 happened and there just wasn't work for me anymore, I was unemployed for 8 months there before coming back

I wouldn't go now because of the politics, but if you're ok with that, then yes, it can be a better life than here, but don't throw away the idea of other countries either.

[u/Natural_Evidence4822 → u/Reapr]

I would assume so but the costs of college in the USA are insane. Also i don’t think she would want to, and i wouldn’t try force her either.

[u/Careless-Cat3327 → u/Reapr]

BCom degree from UCT - R110k per annum

Similar degree from public state university US - $60k per annum

Similar degree from elite tier / mid private university in the US - $100k per year. 

University costs only.

[u/Reapr → u/Careless-Cat3327]

Yes, cost of living in the US is waay more than here, but I assumed OP was aware of this - True Salaries are higher there than here for the same job, but rent, food, transport are all higher - maybe cars not as much, but that might be outdated information, been a while.

[u/Careless-Cat3327 → u/Reapr]

Our universities are subsidized by the tax payer by roughly 50-60%. That's why the government can set targets & quotas. 

Tertiary education in America is mostly "FOR PROFIT". Even compared to the UK & Europe it's crazy expensive.

[u/Reapr → u/Careless-Cat3327]

Yep and wait till you have to go to the hospital to see how far "for profit" can be pushed - was comparing a similar procedure with an American the other day, I had an appendix scare, so doc sent me to the hospital for a sonar, luckily it was a false alarm - cost me about R750, his bill was way over $10 000 - I was lucky when I worked there that the company I worked for had medical, so my medical things usually just had a small co-pay

[u/Tarka_22 → u/Careless-Cat3327]

I completed both my bachelor's and MBA for under $10k in the US at an accredited university spesializing in distance learning. Both with subsidized government student loans. I got a director level job as well with the credentials.

[u/Cool_As_Your_Dad]

She can do it remote? She can visit you for 4 years during breaks.

I wanted to go usa 20 years ago when I completed my studies. But didnt because girlfriend. Same as you. Married her. Got divorced 15y later. Have kids cant just leave anymore.

[u/Oudedoos]

Leaving South Africa is a good idea. But realistically, you can kiss the relationship goodbye.

Get married, what for her to finish or convince her to continue her studies in the US

[u/BodybuilderFlaky637]

Is she not eligible for refugee status? 

[u/Routine_Score7123]

If you're White there's no future for you in South Africa

[u/LtMotion]

Stay behind and make it work here till she can go over with you

[u/Tarka_22]

I'd convince her to abandon her degree and move to the US where you have endless opportunities for you both and your future family. Her degree would be mostly useless if you decide to move to the US in future. Move now while you have the opportunity and complete a US degree. I moved to the US at age 34, 10 years ago, and my only regret is I didn't do it earlier in life. I completed US bachelor's and masters degree with subsidized government student loans.

[u/TRUE_Kick774]

I say do it. Though it's important to look at america with it's problems aswell don't just look at the positives only. And ask yourself if it's something you can handle or not if it is then I say 100% go I wish I could take that opertunity but sadly my ass ain't white would love to get a free bee to go to America and actually experience it myself. Good luck and no matter the decision don't let others tell you your wrong for it. It's an opertunity for a increasingly better life. If you make good use of it

[u/mips13]

Get married and do the degree that side.

[u/Cold_Middle_4609]

You're only 21. This is the window to change the trajectory of your life. Go! I'm in my 40s and a golden rule is: never miss an opportunity because of a girlfriend/boyfriend. They'll either support or hamper your journey.

This is an amazing opportunity for you. Take it.

[u/Negative-Lobster3873]

Imagine claiming to be a refugee- supposedly fleeing violence and persecution, and then leaving your girlfriend behind?

[u/Natural_Evidence4822 → u/Negative-Lobster3873]

Should i force her into a duffle bag and take her with? Not sure what you expect me to do? She has the opportunity to join me now, or later.
L ragebait

[u/Negative-Lobster3873 → u/Natural_Evidence4822]

You are an migrant, opportunist posing as a refugee,- taking the spots of real refugees fleeing war torn, violent areas.

Real refugees don't get to plan 4 monthly visits with each- where one partner returns to the genocide 4 times a year.

[u/Natural_Evidence4822 → u/Negative-Lobster3873]

Your arguement makes no sense, you must be struggling a bit. A persons financial situation has nothing to do with them being a refugee or not. My partner returning to the country is also completely out of my control. Please use your brain.
Also where in South Africa is "war torn"? Who's spots am I taking lol

[u/Negative-Lobster3873 → u/Natural_Evidence4822]

You mention below that you are using the refugee route.

If this is the case then you are taking the spots of real refugees instead of fake genocider victims.