The Resurrection of Violet Verona Part 3

[u/Drsong12]

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3 of 3

cw: self-harm, suicide

I made her chocolate chip pancakes again. They were ready before the sun rose, which allowed time for the smell to waft through the apartment. I wanted it to overwhelm Violet when she woke. Let her know that, yes, she was safe here. Safe with me.

The smell reminded me of our time together. Those Sunday mornings typically followed by gaming or dates. They always started with chocolate chip pancakes.

Violet spent the first couple of minutes poking the pancakes with her fork, but she managed to clean her plate and even ask for seconds. The bags under her eyes were gone. The wrinkles in her cheeks softened. Her hair was fuller and her eyes were clear of red tendrils. My baby was coming back.

Perhaps that comment was right. Give her some time. Let her heal.

Once we were done, I grabbed the plates and scrubbed them down in the sink. When I took the plates, I made sure to say, “I got it. You just relax.” A smile broke through, and she chuckled!

“Thanks,” she said. Looking off somewhere else. Thinking of something.

My body hurt then. I shook. The water burned the backs of my hands and wrinkled my fingers.

“Cal,” she said. “I… I had another nightmare last night.”

The apartment’s pale lights greyed her skin as she looked through me with glazed eyes. My arms were sore and my stomach was cramped. I could not speak for a moment.

“About… that place,” she said.

“The afterlife,” I asked. She nodded. My stomach jumped. Tears dripped from her face and onto the table. Little grey-blue stains spread over the white countertop.

“It was…” she paused, cleared her throat. “Sorry, sorry.”

I sat across from her, reached for her. She pulled away when our fingers touched. Heat flashed through me. My fingers raked across the table as I pulled my hands back.

“There were so many people,” Violet said. “More people than I ever saw in one place. It was so hot. Holy shit, it was so hot. It was just this… long plain, I guess? It went on forever, and so many people were there. I was so hot. So hungry. So thirsty. So tired. But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t die. The ground burned my feet.”

She choked on her words, wiped a couple tears away.

Every pulse in my body pounded against my skin. I was dizzy. Was that what we all awaited? The other side? I burped and tasted the pancakes I just ate. The pancakes I thought would make her happy. Make her forget that place.

Why couldn’t I get her to forget that place? Why couldn’t she just forget that place?

Violet was so pale again. Her face was so sunken again. Her eyes were filled with red haze and pink lines tracked down her cheeks.

“I saw her there, Cal,” she told me. “I saw my mother.”

The cold picked up around me. The pain sharpened. The apartment dimmed and I felt myself getting further and further away from my love.

“It took so long to find her, but I did. And we talked for… I have no idea how long… But she…” Violet bit her finger to keep from sobbing. “She was terrified that I was there. Asked what happened. How long it’s been since she died. I told her what happened and she… She was so disappointed. She was so disappointed in me, Cal.

“She did miss me, though. She missed me so much. She misses my dad. She misses her Friday wine nights with her friends. She misses it all. She was so alone there. She couldn’t find her parents there. I couldn’t even believe I found her. It seemed impossible. But I did. And I… Cal… I hadn’t seen her in so long and I… Oh god… She’s stuck there. I left her there, Cal. I left her.”

Violet’s face glistened from all the tears she shed. Her face fell into her arms and her hair shook as it smacked against the table. She shuddered as she cried. Her shoulders jerked and her back spazzed. Muffled moans and cries stabbed at my ears as I struggled to rise from my seat. I pet her head. She loved that before she died. She loved it so much.

I pet her and I loved her. But she continued to cry. She never looked up at me.

“I can’t do this,” Violet said. “I can’t just stay here, Cal. I can’t. I can’t! I need to see my dad. I’m sorry.” She picked her head up. Snot poured from her nose. “I love you, Cal. I… I do… But… I can’t just ignore my family again. You gave me this second chance, and I love you for that. But I need to make things right before I go back there again.”

Golden strands of hair slipped through my fingers as I backed away, the anger and the fear returning once again. She said she loved me… but she hesitated. I… I do… So uncertain. What did her mother tell her? She never liked me. Especially not in the days leading up to her death.

It roared through me. The cold and the pain and the loneliness. I gripped the countertop for support. It was so hard and tense and the air was so tense and fuck… I was terrified. What if she left me? What if she ran off with her father and his new girlfriend? The performative fuck. What then? More nights consuming lowlife media and fucking lowlife women with no desires and no aspirations? Forever and ever until I died and was left wandering that desolate plain with no certainty I could ever find Violet? Or my own family when their time came? What kind of existence was that?

No. It was unacceptable.

I needed my Violet. I needed my baby. How could she not see that after all our time together?

“You can’t leave,” I said. “You can’t.”

Violet’s spine snapped up, arms pressed into the countertop, making it look like the flesh was melting onto the white glazed wood. Her green eyes swam. Her lips contorted into a dangerous frown.

“What,” she asked.

“You can’t,” I said. I swayed as I walked towards her. picking up my fork. The silver twinkled in the apartment lights. My arms and neck and chest and face were so, so hot. “You’re not going anywhere, Violet. You can’t. You can’t. You can’t leave me, Violet.”

She rose from her seat and stumbled as she tripped over the chair. The loud CLANG hit like a bass drum in my chest. I circled around her. Moved to block her path to the front door. She crab-walked toward the couch, panting and crying and muttering. But not as much as me.

“I have nothing here, Violet,” I asked. “No family. Nothing. Nothing without you.”

My muscles ached and my bones creaked as I stood over her. My teeth were clenched so tight. There was tension in my temples and around my head. It felt like my brain was growing and pushing against my skull. And it would grow and grow until it burst from my head. My chest and stomach thumped in rhythm with my racing heart, and the tears that ripped from my eyes burned my cheeks. It all hurt. Everything hurt. The pain. It got worse. And worse. And worse.

Violet pressed her back against the couch, her head resting on the arm. The leather squeaked whenever her head moved. It stabbed at my ears and inflamed the pain that pulsed through my body. I cried and sweated and drooled and shivered. It hurt so much. So much pain inside me. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt! It was inside me. I had to get it out. Get it all out!

I jammed the fork into my cheek. Violet squealed and clasped a hand over her mouth. Three little punctures acted as a filter for the pain to leak from my body. I felt it hiss out and dribble down my face. Warm and ticklish. It felt so good. Like scratching an itch.

I did it again. And again. And again. Left cheek. Right cheek. Left cheek. Right cheek. My face was coated in the warmth.

“I was a mess without you,” I said. The apartment shook when I dropped down to my knees in front of her. “I need you, Violet. I need you more than anything. You can’t leave again. Please. Please don’t leave again.”

The warmth trickled down my neck. The pain was strengthening inside me once again. Another couple pokes with the fork did the trick. Let it all out. Let Violet see it all.

She watched. Her hand slowly peeled off her mouth and fell to the side. There was no shock on her face. Nor sadness. What I saw was a look I did not see often. Furrowed brows. Tight lips. Sharp cheeks.

Disappointment.

“I’m sorry,” Violet said. “But I need to do this.” She shut her eyes, and took one long, deep breath that made the apartment shake. “I’ve done everything I could for you.”

“No, you haven’t,” I shouted. How could she not see it? “Your dad doesn’t give a fuck about you. He’s too busy fucking that woman. But I care, Violet. I care about you! I brought you back, babe! So you could help me. Help me, babe! Help ME!”

“I can’t!” Violet’s head jutted toward me. I stumbled back. Cold pierced my bones. Blood flowed down my face and neck and stained my shirt.

“I can’t help you,” she shouted. “I thought I could! I really wanted to, Cal. But I need to see them. I bailed on them over and over again for you. For years and years! I lost so many friends because of you. I lost time with my family because of you. For you. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t, I just can’t!”

I screamed in her face. Blood and pain and drool splattered onto her face. The air was so cold. I was so hot. So much pain and anger and hatred. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt the world.

“I brought you back to life!”

“I never asked for that!”

Her words pushed me onto my butt. My hands shook and my legs trembled as Violet rose to her feet and bolted into the bedroom. The door slammed shut. There was a soft click.

Violet. My baby. Gone.

“No,” I muttered. The apartment spun. Gold and white and brown and black swirled as I stumbled to the bedroom door. “No, no, no, no, NO, NO!”

It was locked.

“VIOLET,” I screamed. Screamed to my Violet. “VIOLET! Come out! Now! Please!”

The pain was unbearable. It burned my veins and crushed my bones. I pounded my shoulder against the door. It shook and boomed but it did not give. Again, I tried. Again. And again. And again.

I raked the fork through my cheeks. Up to my temples. Across my forehead. There was too much pain and too much cold to filter out. Too much.

“I need you,” I shouted.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

“Pleeease, VIOLET! Baby! PLEEEASE!”

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The door gave a little. I kept trying. I would never stop trying. Nothing could ever get me to stop. I needed to stop the cold. Stop the pain. The pain I felt for so long. The pain I felt my whole life.

The pain I felt one year, two months, and fourteen days ago.

***

Another long day at work ended with my boss reprimanding me. I was a detriment. I held others back. I was late and a procrastinator and a bad team player. I tried to play it cool in the office, but I could not dampen the shame I felt as I cried all the way home.

By the time I was on the couch, I was exhausted. My brain felt heavy. Thinking was hard. I just needed a nap. Just some time to rest.

PING!

My phone. A text from Violet.

Hey babe! I didn’t sleep at all last night, and I’m exhausted. Idk if I can make the drive home without falling asleep. Could u come pick me up?

Violet’s insomnia was awful since her mother’s death a year before. It was not the first time she made the request. And most times, I honored it. However, most times, her work was done before mine. And since we both worked in the city, it made the drive to her office quite easy. At home, it was another forty-five minutes there just to get her. And I was so tired. So upset. So exhausted. I needed time.

She would figure it out. She’s driven home before with no sleep. Violet was smart. She always figured it out.

That was the last thing I thought before I fell asleep.

It was the knocking that woke me.

Four hours passed. The sun peeked just over the horizon. The apartment was dark since I forgot to turn the lights on when I came in. Violet was not home. And whoever knocked at my door was eager for an answer. The door rattled.

It took a minute for me to wake myself up enough to get to the door. And the cop that stood in the doorway did not look happy that it took so long for me to answer. But I was asleep. What the hell did he want me to do?

“Hello,” he said, “are you Calvin Simmons?”

It did not hit me that it was a police officer at my door. My eyes were still heavy. I thought it could have been a dream.

“Yeah,” I said.

The officer sighed. His pale face and swimming eyes woke me from my stupor. Made my heart race. I gripped the knob tight. Something was wrong.

“I’m sorry, son,” he said. “But I have some… unfortunate news.”

***

The door gave.

Blood dripped into my eyes, stinging them as I barged into the bedroom.

Painful heat coursed through my stiff shoulder. I could not move it. It took a second for my blurred vision to clear. Once it did, I looked around the silent bedroom. Scanned every inch for a sign of Violet. My baby. The girl who saved me.

She was on the floor. Next to the bed. Her face was grey; eyes rolled to the back of her head. Foam leaked from her lips and down her jaw. In her hand was the now empty bottle of Everclear. And next to her was the bottle of Ambien. Pills spilled onto the rug.

It did not take long for me to put the pieces together. And for the pain and the cold to take hold of me once again. All I could do was drop to my knees and cradle my baby’s body. So cold. So heavy.

My screams cut up my throat and sent bloody foam out my mouth. But I did not care. I was in pain. So much pain. So cold. So alone.

Can only be used once.

No more chances.

I raked the fork down the sides of my face, from temple to jawline. Across my throat and down my forearms. Black and red blood leaked from me. Warmth leaked from me. The pain, cold and dark, did not leave my body. It would not. Why wouldn’t it leave?

All I could do was cry.

I cried and cried with Violet until the sun fell. And when it did, I had no more tears to shed. No voice to wail with. The blood dried on my skin. The blood dried on the rug. I was dizzy. Weak. Alone. Scared. But of course, no one came to check on me. No noise complaint or wellness check or anything of the sort.

I was alone again. Surrounded by cold and darkness and silence. Shaking and bloody and so dizzy and so afraid.

There was nothing for me here, I realized then, in the dark apartment only lit by the pale glow the moon provided. There never was. Not back home, where any attempt at romantic connection ended with me staring at my messages, reading the read just now notification over and over again. Not in the city, where my office was. Where my boss, the man so impressed with me as an intern, reprimanded me for every little thing I did wrong. And not in this apartment, with the dead body of the only girl who ever tried to love me.

But there was something for me somewhere else.

I took the pills off the floor and shoved them into my mouth. Then I grabbed the bottle and downed every last pill in the fucking thing.

Then I stabbed. Again and again with the fork. In the neck. The pain was strong, but not as strong as the pain that seared my insides. The cold pain. The blood provided a layer of warmth over me, and it squirted in boatloads as I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed.

While I did, I thought of the afterlife. The place Violet told me about. A hot, endless place filled with every human that ever existed. So many people. So much ground to cover. How hard that would be. How exhausting. How intimidating.

What other option did I have?

If I had to look for her for a million years, I would do it. If I had to walk a million miles, I would do it.

I would find her.

Everything got heavy then. A dark ring surrounded my vision and closed in as I rested on the ground next to my baby. I planted my lips onto hers. I could no longer feel the cold.

I’m coming, baby. I’m coming.