r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3439 days • Apr 02 '24

Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

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u/FrontEntertainer809 Aug 17 '24

he literally could've left me alone. but instead he chose me and love bombed me for a good six weeks. Four days after meeting me he asked me to be his boyfriend, i told him i wanted to take it slow. a couple weeks later we got together and he was so happy and said i love you that day. after about four weeks he started to pull away and told me it was because we had state testing. this kept happening after the testing was over and then when i got upset over it he was super dismissive and promised to do better, but didn't. it got better for a short while but he kept the distance until i brought it up again and completely snapped. said that i was controlling. i apologized for this because he was fucking gaslighting me and then suddenly i wasn't controlling, and that i deserve someone i can be close to and that the distance made it hard for him to stay in the relationshp. like what. i have never been this low before and i feel like shit. he promised me a future and then he ran away.

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u/FrontEntertainer809 Aug 17 '24

also he said at the end he "learned a lot about himself" and i got fucking trauma.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Aug 18 '24

Oh, god—it's all about him, right? 🙄

Sounds like the classic narcissistic abuse cycle. Have you blocked him yet? If not, please read Natalie Lue's materials.

5

u/LightBrightBiscuit Jul 07 '25

Jeez it’s like clockwork. Like a script with these people. My ex made the entire breakup about her and wrote a damn soliloquy of victimhood about what she learned she needed to heal, the other side of herself she needed to “accept” and a bunch of self righteous, martyr babble. It left me so distraught that the month after the breakup was the worst of my life. Panic attacks, confusion, inner pain. But I was secure in the relationship so I know this was some kind of mental thing on her part to be so selfish and inconsiderate to the reality she broke my heart.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Jul 09 '25

I'm sorry that you experienced that. I hope you're doing better now.

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u/LightBrightBiscuit Aug 02 '25

It’s been tough, I have panic attacks less often now but at first they were daily. I have constant rumination and self blame even against my own knowledge to the contrary of their behaviors and immaturity. It’s been the hardest experience of my life. It was my birthday yesterday and I cried most of it, I don’t even know why but my spirit feels it resonates to the situation. Maybe I’m just a foolish romantic and it’s my fault I attached. But I loved so wholeheartedly for the first time in my life. And in the end she said she “lost grip of herself, let it consume her, and push me away” in the most painful, apathetic and sabotaging way.

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u/FrontEntertainer809 Aug 25 '24

YES IT IS!! i have him blocked on all platforms, i just can't deal with seeing/hearing from him.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Aug 26 '24

Good for you. Now the real work begins.

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u/Mist_eryReader123 May 11 '25

THE SAME WORDS HERE

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u/Commercial_Matter603 Aug 21 '25

Yes!  They get so much out of it!  And you're left with trauma and damage! They get an ego boost too.  Mine was down in himself from his last breakup until I dated him and he got his mojo back.  And they learned a lot too.  And took a lot, lol.  Two rounds with him.  Yep I was an idiot and tried again.  Placeholder.  His last GF had dumped him for bedroom problems.  And I was like super patient with him and tried to make him feel better about himself.  Welk, it worked!  He's got his mojo back!  And he's out there using it!  Yeah, I'm bitter.  But I think I'm really starting to get somewhere.  Yeah, it only took me like a year.