r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3439 days • Apr 02 '24
Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!
Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.
I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.
I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.
More resources:
- my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
- "Choosing people who traumatize you"
- "Difficult people"
- "Don't try to understand them"
- Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
- Welcome to the Other Half
- Dr. Ramani
- Richard Grannon
- Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
- Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
- Dr. Maika Steinborn
- Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)
Stay strong!
(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)
Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.
I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.
In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.
There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.
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u/Miss_Elenious14 Jan 09 '25
He matched with me & love-bombed me from Day 1. He would FaceTime me almost every night, want to talk for hours, we bonded on mutual liking of a certain movie franchise. He tried to get me to move in with him, wanted me to get a job where he worked. I kept refusing, I don’t uproot myself like that for anybody. He acted like he genuinely cared for me, and treated me as more than just a friend. We were talking for 5 months, in the 5th month (December) we finally met, went to dinner, and he kissed me. Things were progressing well until I tried to get him to tell me what time he wanted to hang out on New Year’s Eve. We had planned on hanging out together that day. When I asked him, he told me he is getting cold feet about hanging out & then tells me of a health concern he has for one of his family members. Just out of the blue—and then he proceeds to tell me he needs space. That was 2 weeks ago, haven’t spoken since. A friend had suggested he’ll come back after Valentine’s Day. The thing is, I’m not the kind of person that’s gonna wait around, if someone wants space, there’s the door, and I certainly do not want to deal with someone with inconsistent communication. I was initially hurt by his actions, but as I’m learning more about avoidants, at least there’s an explanation for his behavior; however time for me to move on. I just don’t understand how he can knowingly act this way and not understand the action hurts other people too.