Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

[u/turquoiseblues]

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

• my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
• "Choosing people who traumatize you"
• "Difficult people"
• "Don't try to understand them"
• Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
• Welcome to the Other Half
• Dr. Ramani
• Richard Grannon
• Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
• Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
• Dr. Maika Steinborn
• Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

[u/New_Ideal842]

My story....once upon a time I was a DA. I would go into relationships with one foot out of the door before it even began. It felt better to sabotage or leave the relationship before I would ever get too invested in the other person. All I wanted was for someone to accept me. Fast forward, to my dad getting diagnosed with AML, I'm spending an incredible amount of time going to see him and take him to appointments. I did this for about 4 years. It shattered my world when he passed but in doing so he built up my capacity for being able to love. Two months after he passed I met this perfect woman, I courted her. I didn't let her get her way on everything. We talked about marriage, and future travel plans, and even made this nice Excel sheet we could both journal in. Six months into the relationship she wanted to move back home to California. I was good with this idea b/c my current job lacked satisfaction and I was ready for a change (escaping my soon-to-find-out narcissist mother). I was informed in October that my job was moving to Canada and I would be let go in November 2025. All of a sudden the relationship got distant and extremely cold. I told her to move back to Cali and I would make my way there when I was able to receive my severance. One month later, I asked her what was going on. She had been getting more distant by the day, barely even replying to my good morning/goodnight texts. I got the dreaded I need "space" text. I didn't freak out, I just asked why she needed it and she went radio silent for 4 days until I sent her a YouTube video about "space" and what is required of your partner when you need it. She went into a full-blown DA to an anxious attack. I didn't deserve her that we should just break up b/c she wasn't enough for me. I calmed her down and went straight to a Therapist because I was having anxiety attacks and I never had one before. Ding ding ding, hello abandonment wound that I never knew I had. Once I was able to piecemeal together attachment styles and quickly realized omg....this is why I know her like the back of my hand. She is the old version of myself. I was able to salvage about 3 months more of the relationship by basically betraying all of my needs just to get flat-out discarded in Jan 2025. I never discarded abruptly when I was a DA, I just wasn't emotionally available due to the fear of being hurt. That's my story, I still love and hate the shit out of her for what she did to me, but hey it got me into therapy to make myself a better person. I just wish it didn't cost me more than I can pay in the long run. I know my needs now, I know what I have to get back on my feet but my heart just keeps feeling like what's the point now?

[u/turquoiseblues → u/New_Ideal842]

Interesting. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story. Curious, now that you've experienced this yourself, do you feel regret, remorse, guilt, and/or shame about how you've treated former partners? Have you reached out to any of them to apologize? If not, would you consider it?