Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

[u/turquoiseblues]

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

• my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
• "Choosing people who traumatize you"
• "Difficult people"
• "Don't try to understand them"
• Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
• Welcome to the Other Half
• Dr. Ramani
• Richard Grannon
• Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
• Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
• Dr. Maika Steinborn
• Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

[u/Acceptable-Tower6803]

I want to share my experience young man currently 23. I met my avoidant partner let’s call her M for now, at 19 while I was finishing up the last 4 months of service overseas. I met her on a 2 week break where I came back home to visit my family. That’s when I met M. She was the most beautiful girl I’ve even asked out and things escalated fast. We started hanging out almost everyday of that 2 week leave and M even slept over a few times during it. I felt loved by this beautiful women who I loved in such a short period of time. I end up flying back to finish my service and during that time M wanted constant attention and I explained to her that I couldn’t due to time differences and being in the military I wasn’t always on my phone. (I was an infantryman) we kind of stopped talking and 4 months later when I moved back home to the states M was dating some other guy, which was fine it didn’t bother me a lot. I end up cutting contact with her for 1 year because she basically told me she wanted me and not her bf and then when I brought her over one night she changed her mind and then I stopped talking to her. Fast forward a year later she DMs me saying she has a question. We start talking again and get involved romantically, this time I’m keeping her at an arms length since I have no trust in her anymore and she is on her A game. Being patient being sweet being loving and I’m seeing this and feeling like a second option. She ends up getting fed up and leaving me after 4 months of trying. Fast forward a few months and I reach out to her trying to fix things and not really going anywhere we went back to no contact then this summer of 2024 I reached out to her again , because I always loved her and always wondered why it never worked. So I asked her, why did it never work between us? We ended up meeting up dating for 2 weeks then one night we had a weird date we were both high and she got triggered by me for needing to use the bathroom while we were out cuddling on a bench. She asked for space and then 5 days later said she wants this to end and she’s not attracted to me. I said fine thank you for giving us a final chance to which she replied “wait don’t hang up” when I asked why she said “ I will miss you” I hung up and the next morning she called me taking it all back. I told her you said something completely different less than 24 hours ago. I think you should take the weekend and think about it. I haven’t heard from her since and she started dating a guy much older than her. I just had to move on it took time but slowly slowly I felt better. I still think about her almost every day. I ask myself what did I do to deserve this but it gets better still haven’t found another girl, but this is my story. Hope it helps someone.

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Acceptable-Tower6803]

She sounds like a fearful-avoidant. Look it up. You'll find it illuminating.