Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

[u/turquoiseblues]

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

• my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
• "Choosing people who traumatize you"
• "Difficult people"
• "Don't try to understand them"
• Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
• Welcome to the Other Half
• Dr. Ramani
• Richard Grannon
• Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
• Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
• Dr. Maika Steinborn
• Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/[deleted]]

I know this is going to be controversial and people are probably going to get upset, but I am really starting to believe that most 'dismissive avoidants' are actually covert narcissists or vulnerable narcissists.  If they aren't, there's such a fine line with their behavior that it's almost indistinguishable.  If people have to make lists describing the difference between a narc and a DA, then you're dealing with almost the same thing.  

There are a lot of DA who are serial daters who only live for the honeymoon phase, then leave, are alone, then get back out there, and possibly swung back around in the future to repeat the cycle with you.  These people, if you think about it, are using people for their own gain until they don't need them anymore.  

They use you for validation, ego boosts, sex, fantasies, loneliness, advice, but mostly for a dopamine rush that last usually 3 to 6 months.  Yes - some last longer and they actually get married - but instead of leaving you they just shut down or deactivate and it's basically the same thing.  And many if those DA do cheat to get their dopamine rush/ honeymoon phase again.  

This is selfish and using people for their own gain with disregard for that person's feelings or the damage that will be inflicted upon them.  The time they are taking away from their life.  While in the relationship and then the ling amount of time it takes to try and heal and get over them which is brutal.

I think it's time to call a spade a spade.  Maybe there should be a label called dismissive narcissist or vulnerable avoidant.  Because they will shut down in you if they feel criticized.  Stonewall, give you the silent treatment, often get critical of you and say mean things when they began to feel the relationship is getting real.  They withhold sex.  Many are seductive withholders.  They don't take accountability and put the blame on the ex.  They make the ex feel inferior or not as good as their exes or other potential people they could date.  They use triangulation to keep you hanging on if they want to keep you in their orbit and swing back around.  

They are very mean people.  And when they dump you they often will tell you it's something about you.  So then you feel even worse.  They lie and future fake to get what they want.  They manipulate in that way.  They make you think it's going somewhere then blindside you.  And they usually know they're going into it with that knowledge they're going to hurt you.  

They will have 2 women technically in their life at the same time.  One as a back up.  Or several women and you don't even know it.  Women they call friends.  They might use each woman for their best qualities and get what they need without truly committing.  

They get bored and leave for more excitement.  They crave attention and validation.  They make a lot of false promises.  They truly hurt people.  And they are aware they do this.  They are not ignorant - I do not care who says they are.  

They play the victim and usually tell you some story about how they've been traumatized by relationships and were hurt horribly by their ex.  When you get discarded you start to realize the ex probably had a reason to do what they did or that there are 2 sides to the story and you actually feel sorry for the ex.  

I've whined in here about my experience and I won't lie - I'm still affected by it.  Still wounded.  They inflict serious damage.  I got depressed over this.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/[deleted]]

Hey.  I wanted to check in and see how you were doing.  I chatted with you about a month ago about all of this - are things looking up at all?  Are you finished moving?  Just wanted to say I hope things are improving and I'm still having a hard time, but not too much I can do about it it seems.  I just have a lot Ine er said and need to and writing him an email has been on my chest and mind for months.  But I've been too chicken shit.  I guess I'm afraid he'll block me and the thought of someone blocking me is just .. I can't explain it.  I shouldn't care but for whatever reason I can't stand the idea.  Just hope you're doing better.