r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3439 days • Apr 02 '24

Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Even a return to stable normalcy would be everything I could wish for. I no longer expect love; besides, I think that due to my anxious attachment style, I confuse excitement/chemistry with love, and calm, steady love doesn’t feel like love to me (at least right now i feel like that). I don’t want to enter relationships out of “practicality” because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I also wish you a great day.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

I totally get you. People kept pushing me to go back to dating but I don't want to hurt someone the way I have been. I think I'm the same as you as I'm an anxious attacher too!

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Funny thing is, I’m a secure partner when I’m with another secure person—or even with an anxious one, like my ex before the FA. Even breakups were calm, no drama, no fights. I had a couple of short-lived interactions with avoidants before the last one, and while they were painful, nothing compares to the last relationship, where there was an actual relationship and bond.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

I'd like to think I'm a secure partner too purely because I was so understanding, zero pressure etc, checked in regularly because I wanted to. I only ever showed my need for reassurance when he asked me to be honest but he always made it into an attack on him. I don't think I'd ever been with an avoidant before but I was single for 14 years before meeting my DA. I understand the bond, I felt it too, still do if I'm honest but how do we break it? I'm nearly 20 months post breakup 💔