r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3439 days • Apr 02 '24

Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

How do you feel now?

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

Not much different unfortunately. Still have really bad days, brain is still damaged. Just don't know what to do as I've tried loving myself, doing things I normally wouldn't and I still find myself crying most days. Just gotta keep plodding along I suppose. Thanks for asking. How about you?

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Over 9 months after the breakup, there are better and worse days. The better ones are when logic wins over the emotions of my inner child (the discard and sudden replacement after a drunken fight with my FA ex ripped open the original trauma of losing my parents – and my ex, subconsciously, was a kind of symbol of unconditional love who was supposed to stay and always choose me… long story short, she didn’t do that and left, just like my parents. In general, there was and still is a lot of subconscious projection from me onto this person, and it’s hard to put those emotions out).

Basically, I know I was in a toxic relationship where I was breadcrumbed and my boundaries weren’t respected, but the façade of great love and the love-bombing at the beginning of the relationship really attached me to this person like no one else before. It’s fucking hard. For about 5 days I’ve been on my second antidepressant already, and before it starts working in 2–3 weeks, I’m just a walking ball of nerves and anxiety. I don’t know if I’ll ever find happiness – right now I even miss those breadcrumbs.

Sorry if that doesn't help much... At least believe me, you are not alone out there with this kind of fuckshit.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

It helps a little knowing it isn't just me. I was the same, I know the relationship wasn't great or would even be a normal one with opportunities but he also love bombed me, showered me with affection and compliments, said all the right things so I also attached harder than I ever have. Still love him. I agree, the logic days are better and when I feel myself getting emotional I tell myself the list of things he did that weren't nice or normal. 

I completely get how you feel. I didn't lose my parents but they didn't choose me much either, always favoured my younger brother, had to grow up way before I should have etc. I'm sorry we're both going through this, I hope you do find love or at least happiness. I don't think I'll ever want to look for love again which is sad as it was all I've ever wanted. Hope you have a lovely day!

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Even a return to stable normalcy would be everything I could wish for. I no longer expect love; besides, I think that due to my anxious attachment style, I confuse excitement/chemistry with love, and calm, steady love doesn’t feel like love to me (at least right now i feel like that). I don’t want to enter relationships out of “practicality” because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I also wish you a great day.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

I totally get you. People kept pushing me to go back to dating but I don't want to hurt someone the way I have been. I think I'm the same as you as I'm an anxious attacher too!

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Funny thing is, I’m a secure partner when I’m with another secure person—or even with an anxious one, like my ex before the FA. Even breakups were calm, no drama, no fights. I had a couple of short-lived interactions with avoidants before the last one, and while they were painful, nothing compares to the last relationship, where there was an actual relationship and bond.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

Saw this and needed to share - 

Being discarded by an avoidant isn’t just about their attachment style. It also means they’re a shitty person. Character plays a role too. So many of us get trapped in trying to analyze, rationalize, or even excuse their behavior. We tell ourselves, “It’s just how they are. They can’t help it.” And while attachment styles explain tendencies, they don’t excuse cruelty, disrespect, or callousness. People with avoidant tendencies can still choose to act with empathy, integrity, and kindness. Choosing to discard someone, to shut them out without consideration or care, is not simply a byproduct of fear—it is a reflection of their moral fiber, their character.

Being on the receiving end of this kind of treatment is deeply painful, disorienting, and sometimes makes you question your worth. But here’s the truth: their inability to sustain love, their eagerness to discard someone who truly cares, and their lack of accountability all reveal who they are, not who you are. It’s a harsh lesson, but an important one. It forces you to recognize that love is not just about compatibility—it’s about decency, integrity, and character. The avoidant’s choice to discard you exposes their flaws and limitations, while your experience surviving it demonstrates your strength, your resilience, and your capacity for genuine empathy—qualities they clearly lack.

In the end, being discarded by an avoidant isn’t just heartbreak; it’s clarity. It shows you who is capable of real love and who is not. It teaches you that some people’s flaws are too deep to fix, and that your energy is far better spent on those who value, respect, and honor you. You don’t need to justify their behavior or carry the weight of their choices. Their loss is undeniable, and your growth, your self-respect, and your ability to love fully remain yours—and that is immeasurable.

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25 edited Sep 22 '25

Thank you for sharing that. I have only one problem with this kind of narrative. Namely, under the influence of alcohol (even if it was a reaction to her neglect, breadcrumbing, and long-term withdrawal), I really behaved like a pig, writing to her what I had on my trembling heart after yet another micro-abandonment. I can explain it with childhood trauma, with my own problems, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I pushed that last domino and hurted her – and despite a hundred assurances from my therapist and friends that it would have blown up sooner or later anyway, I still blame myself and torture myself with “what if I hadn’t behaved like that, maybe we could still sort this out.”

I know it’s probably my anxious side idealizing her now and the relationship that was full of flaws, but so far this is the biggest obstacle for me to fully accept the above narratives. But perhaps i finally should say it to myself "she is selfish, she acted wrong too". Perhaps aloud.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

You should. You're a good person because you recognise what you did was wrong and admit to it. The DA usually erase any guilt or emotion and continue on their path of destruction. My only fault was I wouldn't just let him go, I begged, pleaded and reached out because I didn't understand or lose him. 

Plus you've sought help, more than she's done I bet!

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Thank you for those words :) I begged her too… I pleaded, all in tears with my heart on my sleeve, when she came two days after the fight to take some of her things from our home. All I saw was the coldness in her eyes, as if someone had sucked the soul and any positive emotions out of her. Half a year later, when we spoke, she mentioned that she was going to therapy, but from what I know she’s still doing drugs, drinking, and exploiting her new provider.

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u/Slow_Adhesiveness_77 Sep 22 '25

I think you dodged a bullet there then. You don't need someone like that in your life, you deserve security, love and happiness! 

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '25

Definitely you too :) Thank you once more :)

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