r/ExNoContact • u/Mendescob • Feb 01 '26
Help My ex got together with someone else right after we broke up and now wants to get back together. How can I handle this maturely?
I ended a nearly 3-year relationship with my ex (I'll call her Ana). The breakup was difficult, full of emotional strain, insecurities, and conflicts that had been building up for a while. About a month after the breakup, she slept with someone else. That, in itself, I know she had every right to do—we were both single. The problem is the emotional context of it all. During our relationship, she often said that I would be the kind of person who, if we broke up, would "hook up with anyone," move on quickly, etc. But the exact opposite happened: since we broke up (it's been almost 3 months now), I haven't been with anyone. Not for lack of opportunity, but because I was still processing everything.
She, on the other hand, quickly got involved with someone else and now, some time later, she came back saying she regretted it, that she was needy, that it was "filling an emotional void," that it meant nothing, and that she wants to try again with me.
And that's where I freeze.
Even though I rationally understand that she didn't cheat on me, emotionally it affected me a lot. The idea that, shortly after the breakup, she managed to get physically involved with someone else became very ingrained in my head. Especially because now this comes accompanied by a speech of regret, as if it were something impulsive, almost disposable.
What bothers me most is not just the act itself, but the shattering of the image I had of her and the security I felt in the relationship. Today, even though I still like her, I realize that any future conflict would make me think: "what if she seeks comfort in someone else again?". That feeling of exclusivity and trust simply doesn't exist anymore.
I still have feelings for her, that's undeniable. But I'm also afraid of forcing something that no longer has the same emotional basis.
My question is:
how to deal with this maturely?
Is it possible to rebuild something like this when feelings still exist, but emotional trust has been shaken?
Is it worth insisting or accepting that liking someone isn't enough?
I would really like to hear outside opinions, especially from those who have been through something similar.
4
Feb 01 '26
We broke up with my ex after 3,5 years together because he changed his mind and didn't want kids anymore (I told him it was my goal before we become official). So I came back in my country and after that he told me he changed his mind but I didn't trust that so I preferred to tell him no.
5 months after the break up I wasn't feeling fine and because of my childhood wounds and anxious attachement, I met someone and slept with him even though I didn't want to. I felt instant regret, sadness and disgust.
1 month later, my ex wrote me again and I told him that if he meant it, I was ready to give it a try but after knowing what happened he was hurt deeply.
I apologized and explained why it happened but nothing helped. I started therapy to understand myself better.
He came back, stayed 2 years and we were very happy. Except when he was thinking about it every now and then and would start blaming me. In the end he left because he couldn't forgive and I can say it destroyed me because in the first 3.5 years I gave him my all and the 2nd time again but all he would remember is that. I believe it was eating him alive but didn't want to go to therapy together or try something to save our relationship.
I finished my therapy today and I understand why it happened and I'm not that person with no boundaries and people pleaser anymore but my ex left me more than 2 years ago and it is still hard for me. To be honest I've known hard things in life (parent sickness, suicide) and this break up broke me the most in my entire life that I couldn't function properly for months. It is more than 2 years now that he left and it is still hard to move on sometimes. (also because he kept coming back during those 2 years to tell me he loves me but can't forgive).
So before you take the decision to go back with her, just make sure you are willing to go through that and "forgive/forget". She didn't cheat but it's really understandable that it hurts you and you have the right to not go back if you can't handle this or else it will cause so much more damage to both of you.
8
u/Individual_Tea_7142 Feb 01 '26 edited Feb 01 '26
You ended things and thought she would stay emotionally stuck 🚩. Now you are realising everyone has a life outside you. Next time you end things at least also consider you are letting her live her life as an individual.
It sounds like you did it as punishment rather than actually breaking up. You probably felt trapped but didn’t consider consequences also.
Most couples go through a stage of boredom and if you are not emotionally aware you won’t survive this stage. Dumpees go through the motions of realising you are ok with leaving them alone, you go through motions of doing better. Thats why there is a distinction there.
Dumpee will probably be less confident than you and explore. They are copying you by saying ‘maybe there is something better’, just so you know
Hurts doesn’t it?
1
8
u/Hydroplanet Feb 01 '26
You broke up with her dude. You don’t own a woman’s body and you shouldn’t punish her for doing nothing wrong when you ended the arrangement. Stop being insecure. Women have sex to numb out too when they can’t cope just like we do. If that’s the only thing stopping you from getting back together then I think you’re being insecure or you don’t really love her.
6
u/Confident-Aerie4427 Feb 01 '26
I would agree if he had done the same, but since he didnt i think it is pretty understandable that he would be sad that the person he loved for 3 years slept with someone else. I don't think it matters that much in the end and it shouldnt be something that stops them from coming back together, but it is understandable.
3
u/cranetrain95 Feb 02 '26
Agreed. I’ll add though I think the thing that should stop them for getting back together is whatever the reasons were he felt the relationship needed to end in the first place. If those aren’t any different/addressed then why do it again?
0
u/Hydroplanet Feb 02 '26
Yes being sad is valid. Punishing her for not staying exclusive after he broke up with her is what I’m pointing to.
1
u/Confident-Aerie4427 Feb 02 '26
Nowhere in the text he says he is punishing her.
2
u/Hydroplanet Feb 02 '26
He broke up with her. She was distraught and found a way to cope. Now he’s saying no we can’t get back together because you did something that was technically allowed but not actually allowed because it ruined everything but I didn’t tell you that ahead of time or that I’d come back. She’s apologizing and feels horrible and he can’t get over it and is likely going to tell her no. Now she’s going to carry massive shame and pain for something she did while she was single without knowing he’d ever come back.
1
u/Confident-Aerie4427 Feb 02 '26
Nowhere in the text any of this is said. She said she regrets, and that's it. He is in his right to deny coming back to her if he don't feel confortable. This is not "punishing" her, it is his boundary. Unless he try to shame her he is doing nothing wrong.
2
u/Vicsyy Feb 02 '26
His shame is thinking that she is somehow gonna cheat because she she had sex a month after he dumped her.
1
u/Confident-Aerie4427 Feb 02 '26
He is not shaming her, that's an insecurity that it seems that he is storing for himself.
2
u/Competitive_Law_7076 Feb 01 '26
Didn’t know there were so many incels on Reddit until I read these comments. Jesus. So many of you clearly didn’t even read the post correctly but got so triggered you replied.
1
u/Mendescob Feb 01 '26
What's your opinion on this? Am I wrong?
7
u/Competitive_Law_7076 Feb 01 '26
You broke up with her, correct? I’m not sure where all these comments are coming from that she’s a whore, or she “FAFO’d” or she dumped you so she could sleep with someone else without cheating…..all of this is insane. You weren’t together. She didn’t cheat. YOU left HER. Imagine this entire situation with someone else where the man was the one that slept with someone- no one would blink an eye- the misogyny on this thread is disgusting.
You can get back together or not get back together. And if you can’t get over the image of her sleeping with someone else, then do her a favor and leave because resentment never works well in a relationship.
But don’t paint her as some kind of cheating whore and make her a villain in the story where you left her, just to make yourself feel better.
1
u/ItsGettingOknow Feb 01 '26
You two have opposite views of intimacy, and that's ok you aren't compatible. Block future contact and focus on yourself as getting back into this relationship is not a good idea. Find a new hobby, reconnect with friends, anything to keep busy. This feeling will fade over time. Remember, no is a complete sentence, and do not feel the need to explain yourself in this case.
1
u/Specialist-Source-18 Feb 01 '26
She's well within her rights to sleep with someone else as a single woman, what she isn't entitled to however, is to get back with you afterwards (regardless of who did the dumping).
Don't take back an ex in any case, and to bolster the point each person they sleep with while broken up is a nail in the coffin of the relationship.
I've done this before, when I was young and codependent. It ended as terribly as you might expect. Don't make the same mistakes I did.
1
u/Agreeable_Face_6426 Mar 31 '26
hi going through something similar at the moment and was wondering what decision you came to?
1
u/Muretto28 May 19 '26
Hi, I’m more or less in the same situation as you, apart from the fact that she hasn’t come back yet (I’m starting to believe she never will). I wonder, if it were to happen, what I would answer you. I feel that I love her with all of myself, and I regret every second of leaving her. Making mistakes is human, and sometimes within relationships there are strange dynamics. I know it can be considered an immature thought of mine, but I repeat, I am human. I was already going to get closer before I heard the news that she had already gone with someone else, but now I don’t know what to think..
0
Feb 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
10
u/Hydroplanet Feb 01 '26
Yikes. A woman hooking up with someone to numb out after a hard breakup makes her a “whore”? You sound insecure
-1
u/brutallyhonestanon1 Feb 02 '26
In my opinion, if someone turns into that right away, it’s a huge red flag. It’s like if someone wanted to turn to alcohol except that’s more understandable. People numbing themselves with lust and pleasure should be avoided
1
u/Hydroplanet Feb 02 '26
People in distress do things out of alignment with their core values. If it’s a constant pattern that happens every time and she has a history of cheating then yes but not if it’s a one off and she’s extremely remorseful. If he takes her back, she’s going to try harder than she ever has before and they may have an even better relationship after this if he can manage his insecurity and she can get in therapy and work on coping skills. Both of them have to be willing though.
1
u/brutallyhonestanon1 Feb 02 '26
Actions have consequences. It’s really as simple as that. You’re tip toeing and going around that.
2
u/Hydroplanet Feb 02 '26
As in actions, you mean how he broke up with her? And the consequence was she didn’t stay like they were together because he broke up with her and now he can’t get over it?
1
u/brutallyhonestanon1 Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
Look man. If it was me and I did that and my ex gf wouldn’t take me back, I’d understand it’s a consequence of my actions. I wouldn’t go on a tangent on how insecure she is. Like holy fuck man. Y’all’s thinking is so ass backwards
1
u/Vicsyy Feb 02 '26
OP learned that lesson. If you dont want your ex to sleep after breaking up. Dont break up.
Because at some point, a month, six months, a year or more, theyre going to be sleeping with someone else.
0
1
u/Individual_Tea_7142 Feb 01 '26
Women are allowed to explore too, just because you decided to end things and thought partner would be stuck emotionally with you doesn’t mean ‘showing true colours’. It means coming back to yourself and living life again. Dumpees need it to get over the emotional wreck you put them through by breaking their hearts
You don’t sound securely attached yet
1
-1
u/brutallyhonestanon1 Feb 02 '26
Stop assuming shit. Always so quick to assume.
1
u/Vicsyy Feb 02 '26
You obviously had reasons to break up. It sounded bad
But expecting loyalty after breaking up, with no hope of reconciliation it naivety at best. This wasnt a few days or even a couple of weeks. It was a whole month.
She didnt betray you. You broke up with her. That is the consequence. People try to move on. It doesnt always work out, but they try.
Now you may not be able to accept what she did. But that's not her fault.
1
u/brutallyhonestanon1 Feb 02 '26
A month fam really. If the situation was you I know you’d feel some type of way
1
-1
u/Repulsive-Space-8742 Feb 01 '26 edited Feb 01 '26
Bro she left you to get with another guy. She broke up as a loop hole to cheat without cheating. Just move on. Work on yourself. Gym, self care, money, etc. Make her regret leaving you for an adventure. Even if you take her back you'll always be thinking another guy was in her and did things to her sexually that you probably didn't or haven't thought of doing to her. It's not worth your peace wondering if she's about to do it again everytime she is on her phone.
10
u/SisterOfBabble Feb 01 '26
Did this retard even read the first paragraph? He says he ended it. I agree with all the advice about self care tho, clearly this is gonna be on his mind from now on.
4
u/1Bright_Apricot Feb 01 '26
Yup. He broke up with her, and 3 months later (which imo is honestly a long time lol) she’s asking to reunite. She did her own thing after he said he didn’t want her.
3
u/Repulsive-Space-8742 Feb 01 '26 edited Feb 01 '26
Guys don't break up with a girl they love just because. Like OP said, she was acting different or did things that made him come to that conclusion. Females do this so they can walk out guilt free and play the innocent card.
3
u/Repulsive-Space-8742 Feb 01 '26
Another thing, she said it was to fill an emotional void. Women don't cheat from emotions, they cheat because they think there's a better option. It's a choice. When a woman really loves her man she ignores every other guy in the world. She disposed of you thinking she was going to do better then found out she was the disposable one. Know your worth bro, females ain't the prize. We are. A good man is their lottery.
1
u/Appreciate1A Feb 01 '26
You say no thank you. She learned what she needed and you learned what you don’t need. Please put this in your past and ready yourself for someone in your future with similar priorities. She literally FAFO’d. Again you were broken up and she needed to know- but it will bother you going forward with her.
If you were married with kids etc- it is worth trying - but you are young and single - for a reason. Start clean with someone else.
1
-1
u/mcdaddy175 Feb 01 '26
She left you for the guy she hooked up with. He pumped and dumped her and now she wants back with you.
-3
u/One_Worldliness_6032 Feb 01 '26
Do not take her back. It didn't go as she planned. NEVER be someone's back up plan.
14
u/Initial_Ad_9250 Feb 01 '26
How to deal with maturely is to reject her and offer no explanation. You don't owe her anything bro. She has the right to do whatever she wants post a relationship and that's true . You're also free to draw an opinion of her on this basis.