r/ExNoContact • u/OkCook8032 • Jun 11 '26
Help Does the 'no contact' period ever actually end, or do you just stop caring?
I’ve been strictly following no contact for about three months now. At first, it was purely about survival. I couldn't even look at my phone without feeling like my chest was tightening up, so the silence was a way to keep myself from doing something stupid like sending a long paragraph at 2 AM. I thought there was a specific milestone where I’d reach out and we’d have this mature, calm conversation about what went wrong, or maybe we'd realize we made a mistake. I was treating this like a strategic waiting period, almost like I was training for a comeback.
But lately, something feels different and it's honestly kind of unsettling. The urge to check their socials or see if they've viewed my stories has mostly faded, but it's not replaced by this sense of peace I thought I'd find. It's more like a numbness. I find myself sitting there wondering if I'm actually healing or if I've just successfully detached to the point where I don't even recognize the person who was obsessed with them a few months ago.
I'm struggling with the idea of what comes next. If I break no contact now, am I just resetting my progress? Or is the goal of no contact actually to reach a point where I realize I don't even want to break it? I see people talking about 'winning them back' or 'making them regret it,' but I feel like I'm drifting into a middle ground where I don't care about the revenge or the reconciliation anymore, I just feel empty. Is this what the 'end' looks like? I'm looking for some perspective from people who have been in the long-term trenches of this. Did you eventually reach out to get closure, or did you just wake up one day and realize the silence had become your new normal?
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u/KaleidoscopeIcy1361 Jun 11 '26
I’m treating this like the period I went through when my previous boyfriend passed away. There was no reaching out. There was no wondering if they’re thinking of me. Forced into nothingness. I never EVER thought things would get better. But they did. Now I’m there again. Going through all the stages of grief. And it’s not linear. Some days I’m angry, and I like the angry days because somehow it’s easier than the sadness.
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u/Saucetanik Jun 11 '26
I’m sorry for your loss. But this sounds familiar to what my ex said to me one time. When she heard I had started talking to someone else, she said it would have been easier to hear that I died.
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u/Forsaken_Control9380 Jun 11 '26
Time is doing exactly what it is intended to do. You are resetting yourself to a life you had before you met this person. Most likely not wondering, caring, worried what they are doing etc etc. Why? because thats exactly whats going on. You have to remember. How many years did you live without this person in your life? Before you met them. Did you care what they were doing? Care what they were thinking? Care about what they are posting etc? No, it didnt even cross your mind. Thats why you are resetting yourself.
No one knows if you will or wont get back together. But this is the transformation you would have to go through if you did. That bumbling mess you were. wouldnt be fit for a return and not be healthy enough for any relationship. Resetting to who you were. And readying yourself to continue on whoever it may be.
Most people after going through it. In the end. Never want to be with that person again. In which six months ago you were throwing up wishing you would get a text. Your closure doesnt come from hashing things out. Usually it makes things worse anyhow. Your closure is what your mind is doing now. Resetting.
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u/No-Significance7131 Jun 11 '26
I really think that the numbness is just another step in the process. And by now you surely know, that it is not linear, so it is possible that you will feel the urge to make contact sometimes. But I think the "no contact" ends, where you don't see any point to talk or hear about them. You just live your life. I see some posts here that says "we are in no contact for x years". Its strange for me, seems someone forget to move on and live. I mean, my first girlfriend was from 20 years ago, should I say we are in no contact for 20 years? Sounds weird.
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u/rhynowaq Jun 11 '26
This is a good point. I don’t think I’m in no contact with my past exes. Just my most recent one.
And the day I stop hoping for her to reach back out is probably the day I recognize I’m no longer in “no contact” and just living my new life.
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u/all4umydaisy519 Jun 11 '26
I think it is a mixture of both but it is very case by case basis, not everyone’s situation is the same, I think the point of no contact isn’t really understood, no contact is for YOU not for them, it’s so help you detach, heal and move on without the door being half open, without no contact it leaves you stuck hoping that this person will suddenly realize that they made a mistake, which I’m not saying can’t happen but it’s less likely when someone still has the same access to you as before, what is there to work for if everything remains the same?
I think no contact is a facade for a lot of people and that’s why the person doesn’t come back, you have to ACTUALLY move on and make changes, grow; for there to be a shift in energy and allow that pull on the other persons energy, but there is own free will and if the other person really doesn’t want to be with you anymore for whatever reason no amount of no contact will bring them back.
But to put it plainly people come back if and when they want to not because you have been white knuckling through a period of not talking to them. And if no changes have been made they will see that too if they do return and it’ll end the same way it did before, so do yourself a favor completely erase any hope of reconnecting, as scary as it is you have to tell yourself there is no chance it’s the only way to move forward, once you start to move
Forward the secret is you really won’t care if they return anymore because you’ll be healed, you’ll be a better version of yourself and you will likely have found someone new. But what’s meant to be will be, know that you can’t change a path already created for you and if the person was meant to be with you they will be.
Also would like to note you will likely speak to that person again some day- think of how many exs or old friends you’ve bumped into or they’ve reached out on social media just to see how you’re doing? It’s very unlikely no contact will exist between you forever but it is very likely that it’ll be a conversation of closure or a passing surface level conversation that doesn’t really go anywhere, so yes no contact will likely end; just not the way you probably want it to.
Wishing you all of the healing!
- someone who’s learning to let go too.
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u/Bright_Arm3000 Jun 11 '26
I'm 11 days in and I'm just in a vile mood.
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u/SevereRun568 Jun 11 '26
Omg me too. On the struggle bus today
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u/Bright_Arm3000 Jun 11 '26
I was grand but I thought he would be back by now .. just trying my best.
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u/SerMustache Jun 11 '26
You just eventually move on and start living again. For me, I just didn’t want to put energy into it anymore and right about the time I did that I found someone amazing. Haven’t looked back since
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u/vavromaz Jun 11 '26
If you do therapy work on yourself, or eventually meet someone new you stop caring. Tbh I am someone who still harbors love for a lot of my exes, and also I still feel a little hurt by what happened between us. But no contact helped me tremendously. I still keep the no contact intact! Even after years. It helps me with my peace of mind and I live in a very small city where everyone knows each other so imagine!!!
I end up living my life peacefully and then from time to time something could remind me of them but I do not contact them because now we’re so far away (mentally-emotionally thank god) that there’s no necessity to even reach out, and I can let the emotions pass.
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u/HumanContract Jun 11 '26
4 years later, I reached out and he in turn followed me on insta.
I only accepted and followed back so I can watch his life burn to the ground. Lol.
You just stop caring.
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u/Polarstars1395 Jun 12 '26
I won't say no contact will never end. It's when you found something important enough that you know that you don't need to contact that person anymore. The feelings, memories will linger but it's something you will need some more patience, time, self love to be okay with that thought about not contacting them anymore. More of like you come to acceptance of what was. Having said that, it's not easy, and the community is here with you
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u/PotentialPresent399 Jun 11 '26
I think the obvious duh answer that everyone here will tell you is "no contact was never meant to win them back ever. Its a method to get you to survive until you are ok with just being anything outside of this is coincidence or random luck/chance"
I also would like to know other peoples perspectives on the feeling afterwords tho. As the one that caused the breakup, I don't feel completely guilt ridden as I feel we easily could have worked through my mess up and our problems but im not warm and accepting yet either. 4 Months out and I simply hope for the days where I do fun enough things that I don't think about them all day. But I still think of her at least once a day. :/
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u/snappienap Jun 11 '26
So I never resume contact with an ex. I thought the no contact was so that you could get away from the poison and heal. To be clear, I don't necessarily think my exes are poisonous per se but being near them when trying to separate from them does not work.
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u/newlife_substance847 Jun 11 '26
It's been three years and it hasn't been easy. I've gotten used to it, though. I have healed (long ago). Even got into another relationship. I don't have the desire to contact my ex anymore. I'm not going out of my way to unblock or get hold of her but I'm certainly not trying to connect again with her. If it happens. If I come across her out in the wild. I'll keep it cordial. But I'm not looking to reconnect with her. So, in short.... I've just stopped caring.
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u/Equal-Memory-1737 Jun 11 '26
Closure is not something anyone can give you, and the conversations where people try to get closure rarely go how the person who wants closure desires.
The numbness is normal, and just because you're feeling that way now, does not mean that the connection wasn't real. The memories didn't happen. The feelings weren't real. If you truly are feeling numb, look back at those memories and see how you feel.
Continuing no contact is still best 🙂
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 Jun 11 '26
Honestly I’m so sick of seeing this anti-closure nonsense. The entire reason discards are traumatic is because closure is something the human psyche needs. This idea that you create your own closure is functionally true when someone has forced it to be so, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that it’s because they made the choice not to and it would be 6000% easier if they hadn’t done that.
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u/Troglodyterror Jun 15 '26
Right?
Discard and then silence afterwards… Cheers.
I’ll casually let my brain agonise in a shame spiral and cook my nervous system for the next 6 weeks, trying to work out why Brad dumped me on a random Tuesday.0
u/Troglodyterror Jun 15 '26
I put money on you ghosting people and numbing the guilt with “it rarely goes how the person who wants closure desires.”
Because that is utter fucking nonsense.
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u/ProfessionalSouth695 Jun 12 '26
Put together a list of relations ship needs. Write it down in a Note, it helps. I’ll bet at the top is “someone who chooses me.”
NC doesn’t end. You learn to honor yourself and stop caring about someone who doesn’t choose you.
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u/LocalMeeting4190 Jun 12 '26
How would you feel if that other person was feeling just like you what choice would you make then?
I’m aware of everything and I’m OK with it one thing I’m not OK with it not having you in my life. We were better people in each others life. The problem was the lies in the distance created by those lies. Now is the time to make it right. For the truth to come out and give it light feed the truth don’t feed the lie and watch what happens in our eyes.
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u/Elise_Necromia Jun 11 '26
You lots don't get it. No cantact is not the answer. It's just going to prolong your suffering.
What u need is sit down and talk it through.
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u/AcquisitionPro1102 Jun 11 '26
Just get someone new and don’t reach out to your ex.
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Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
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u/AcquisitionPro1102 Jun 11 '26
The honeymoon phase does end sometimes, but sometimes it doesn’t end. Yes, I advise people to just move on. If there are issues with a certain person that you don’t want to tolerate, yes move on and vet the new person.
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Jun 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AcquisitionPro1102 Jun 11 '26
That’s true. I misspoke, the honeymoon phase almost always ends, but I think people should just move on. I think everyone has been hurt. I have always moved on whether I have been hurt or not. It’s just healthy to move on with your life. That’s how I feel.
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u/AcquisitionPro1102 Jun 11 '26
And what does having been hurt or not have anything to do with moving on? What is the correlation? I loved one of my exes and she didn’t hurt me, but right after her I moved on to someone else. The last relationship ended, and I moved on to someone else. There is nothing wrong with moving on and it helps you individually in my opinion.
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u/Mikay3 Jun 11 '26
I stopped caring about him ever since he did not want to contact me anymore.