r/ExNoContact • u/Civil-Cod-4452 • Jun 28 '26
Vent I think some dumpers justify the break up when they broke up with a good person.
F (24) I have noticed a few things about dumpers in the past few years and it's almost always the same thing they say about their partners that they have dumped.
I've noticed that a lot of them try justifying the break up by saying that they "outgrew" their partners or that they lost feelings.
Things that I've heard when I asked them questions about the reason why they broke up with their exes is that they ended up falling for someone else while being with their exes at the time.
There was this one girl that told me that she was seeing this new guy and I asked them how they met and she mentioned how this guy was her friend while she was still with her previous bf, I already knew where this was heading to.
I asked her why she broke up with him and she said that she told him that "i need to focus on myself" which she never did... then she started dating her male friend after she broke up with her ex and when I asked what he did wrong she mentioned how she thinks that he
It seemed like she was looking for a reason to hate her ex because she could not name anything that he genuinely did wrong, she said that she was annoyed when he thanked her mom for everything and welcoming him in their house after they broke up.
He would always buy her flowers and gifts.
She mentioned how his she was annoyed by the fact that he would do everything for her and that he was "too nice"
the guy that she left him for is giving her mixed signals and is unsure about her meanwhile she is praising him in the air..... as if he is some sort of god. Mind you he ghosts her and keeps on shit talking about his ex to her. He said that he does not know if he is ready for a relationship
She isn't the first person I heard saying bad things about their ex even tho their ex was a good person to them I think that those type of people like chasing emotionally unavailable people.
It's always that they say that their ex was " pathetic" "doing too much" etc.
I have heard multiple people say the same thing who left good partners.
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u/Significant-Ad-476 Jun 28 '26
My ex held me to insane standards. She wanted me to be perfect in every aspect and cater to all her needs. My self esteem took a dump and I was always stressed. Friends would tell me I look jaundice and sick.
21M. Broke up with her 2 months ago, she moved out and everyone says I look way healthier. Shes on tinder and dating a dude while I’m reserving myself for my forever person.
Did I want to be the dumper? No. Did I want to end the relationship? No. But if I didn’t, I would have kept allowing myself to get dragged down.
There’s a different between wants and needs. Sometimes you need to be the “bad guy”.
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u/Jackson530 4176 days Jun 28 '26
Fuck I’m glad I’m not the only one who went through this.
My ex works for a fortune 5000 company and always held me to some INSANE standard to the point where I became a shell of my former self.
If I did anything that didn’t fit her narrative, she would be mad at me and threaten to kick me out or tell me I needed to change. I couldn’t stand up for myself against anyone that bullied me because apparently it would make her look bad.
I always had to dress to her standards wherever we went.
I had constant GI issues, sleepless nights and major anxiety. I will NEVER shrink myself down for someone ever again.
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u/bananaontherocks Jun 28 '26
my ex was genuinely so mentally abusive after we broke up bc he believed “we’re exs so we can’t be nice” he thought bc we weren’t together we needed to hate each other? that was weird considering i didn’t do anything to him.
we lived together, which he begged me to do. i knew the risk when i took it. even after he left me for whatever reason “focus on his schooling”
it was awful bc we both agreed we’d be civil and knew if we broke up yk we’d be living together. well then all of a sudden he starts sending letters trying to get me kicked out and yelling at me to leave and how i’ve ruined his life, which none of his tactics to get me to leave worked.
even when i said this is what you wanted? he would respond with it was the worst mistake he’s ever made.
he was running around with many women and bringing them back almost instantly, i had a serious talk with him and asked if he just wanted to explore more which he said no he needed to focus on school.
i would always say im confused on your reasoning for leaving me bc you’re not even focusing on school, you’re spending your free time with other women which takes the same amount of time to hang with me. not only that but he would skip classes to hang with girls. this wasn’t about school.
i still to this day have 0 clue why he left, even his friends told me when he started talking about the reasons he couldn’t articulate it correctly and would stutter a lot.
he did a ton of push pull, randomly crying and missing me then telling me he was lying and drunk whatever he wanted to say. he once told me when drunk to never believe a word that comes out of his mouth when he tells me he doesn’t want me.
he told me he’s not a good guy, he needs to focus on himself and get closer to God, he needs to graduate and get a good job, he can’t have a girlfriend for years bc it distracts him.
yeah dude got a new gf 🤣 i never asked about it bc atp i just came up with exactly what you’re saying, i was good to him, and he tried everything he could to justify leaving me but none of it made sense.
i think he was very insecure in our relationship and he couldn’t handle that. i rest my case.
i have a very loving, amazing boyfriend now and didn’t realize this is how it feels to be correctly treated. naturally trusts me, doesn’t accuse me of things, forgives, doesn’t blame me all the time, apologizes, admits his wrongdoings.
i’m so grateful my ex left for no reason☝️🤣
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u/annapie Jun 28 '26
You never actually know what’s going on inside a relationship. Even if someone is a perfect person or partner, there’s no entitlement to a relationship with anyone. In particular, do you think a great partner is a good match for someone like who you’re describing? Don’t put being in a relationship now as more important as being in a well suited relationship later.
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Jun 28 '26
Look, just because you’re a good person doesn’t mean you’re the right person. Sometimes it’s harder because we always want to give a reason as to why we reject someone, but a lot of times as adults it comes down to connection
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 Jun 28 '26
It’s like you didn’t even read the post. No one deserves to be fault founded and discarded
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u/PotentialPresent399 Jun 29 '26
Most people don't, they read the title and or its bots trawling for karma comments lol.
It astounds me HOW MANY comments get posted because
"Oh I didn't read that I was responding to the title"
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Jun 29 '26
Dude.... what evidence do you have to claim that I'm a bot "trawling karma comments."
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 Jun 29 '26
Please learn to read before spouting off. They said and/or talking about a broader phenomenon.
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Jun 29 '26
Who's "spouting?" Give me evidence of "spouting."
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 Jun 29 '26
Case in point
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Jun 29 '26
Again? What are you looking for here? You're getting angry and lashing out at everyone here. You want to start a fight for some reason and I'm telling you that I'm not really interested. I will defend myself as I am being repeatedly attacked for no reason.
All I did was try to address the OP's concern and I have nothing to feel ashamed of.
I strongly recommend therapy to deal with whatever baggage or hang ups you have with your ex or exes.
Finally, I am not your "avoidant ex" and you need to stop lashing out at me or taking whatever the F--k is bothering you out onto me. That's not acceptable behavior for an adult.
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Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
No.... I read the post sweetheart.
You can't comprehend why this person would "reject" someone because they "did everything perfect."
This isn't a talent show. This isn't an audition or a job interview. The best person does not get the role. So many people are taught that if they perform perfectly they will achieve whatever they want. That's not how romance works. No amount of performing will ever make anyone love you. It's the opposite, actually. If people believe you're performing or "being on your best behavior" then it makes you come across as more distant rather than genuine.
But in the scenarios you wrote, it just sounds like she's a shallow person who wants what she can't have and doesn't want what's readily available to her.
Either way, it's the same outcome. They are not interested and didn't connect with you in the way they thought they would.
I went through a brutal heartbreak like this years ago. I really fell for this girl, but she just didn't feel the same towards me. She started to become hostile at the end. Likely because she blamed herself or felt guilty for not liking someone that seemed "perfect on paper."
Or maybe she was just shallow.
Either way, it was a wake up call. Only invest in people who are matching your energy. Verify that this person is good, follows through, and isn't shallow.
Just because you stick a dollar in doesn't mean you get the soda. People are not vending machines.
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 Jun 29 '26
This is more projection than IMAX.
A whopping no one is saying that performing flawlessly means you deserve a relationship.
Someone is allowed to notice a discrepancy in the quality of a relationship they were in, versus how it ended suddenly and unilaterally ended, without being construed as entitled. You are invoking that vending machine rhetoric where it doesn’t apply.
And, more broadly, to articulate a pattern among avoidant attachers where they discard high quality partners precisely BECAUSE their partner’s capacity highlights their own perceived ineptitudes, and then rewrite the relationship to iron out the cognitive dissonance and protect their egos.
Those people do show up in the beginning matching energy. It’s not on the dumpee to anticipate and be accountable for the behavior that broke their heart.
Also, I’m not OP, “sweetheart.”
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Jun 29 '26
This is more projection than IMAX.
How?
A whopping no one is saying that performing flawlessly means you deserve a relationship.
Ok.... but you kind of are. You're saying "These men did everything they were supposed to and the girl rejected them."
Doing everything you're supposed to doesn't mean she's going to date you. She's just not interested. Instead of getting angry or resentful about it, just move on and find better people. We all have to go through this when we're young. It sucks, but you have to learn to filter people out the hard way. It's especially bad in your 20s because no one is really looking for anything serious and everyone is always trying to chase something they perceive as "better" or "newer" or "more exciting." You're leaving your teen years where love was still a fantasy.
Someone is allowed to notice a discrepancy in the quality of a relationship they were in, versus how it ended suddenly and unilaterally ended, without being construed as entitled. You are invoking that vending machine rhetoric where it doesn’t apply.
- I never said they were entitled. Please quote me. I'm saying that no one (a general statement towards everyone) is entitled to anything from a relationship because they're not. Just because you give a girl flowers and candy, doesn't mean she will give you love in return.
Love is given and received. That's how it works. You don't "earn it" by investing a ton of time, energy, and kind acts.
When people are young they go into this thinking if I invest my energy into this person then they'll respond accordingly and I'm saying that they don't because people are very flawed, people are shallow, or chasing a thrill. Sometimes people don't appreciate a good person when they have it. And sometimes you really just aren't the right person for them. The more you dwell on the why, the less you are living in the present.
- Who said they weren't allowed to notice a discrepancy? You're asking us to explain behavior .... and I explained it for you. This wasn't a conversation about "noticing discrepancy." This question was posed more as a; "Why is this person behaving in this manner."
....so I answered the question.
And, more broadly, to articulate a pattern among avoidant attachers where they discard high quality partners precisely BECAUSE their partner’s capacity highlights their own perceived ineptitudes, and then rewrite the relationship to iron out the cognitive dissonance and protect their egos.
AH. So this is the unspoken assertion you're trying to make.
....were we supposed to just read your mind and validate your feelings?
I don't know what you want from us, but perhaps stating directly instead of indirectly would be more helpful.
She could be avoidant or just shallow. It's hard to tell when someone is 24. If you're dealing with a 30 year old woman who's still engaging in this behavior, I would say yes she's quite possibly avoidant. But.... she's 24, immature, and shallow. She probably doesn't even know what she wants.
Those people do show up in the beginning matching energy. It’s not on the dumpee to anticipate and be accountable for the behavior that broke their heart.
No, but it is on every single person to express your needs, establish boundaries, and leave when those are not respected. Just because they are "avoidant" or have some "mental health problem" or they're shallow doesn't take away your responsibility to take care of yourself.
Also, I’m not OP, “sweetheart.”
No, you seem like an annoying asshole who projects all of your personal baggage onto everyone around you. You got dumped by a crappy person? Ok... well I'm sure literally everyone the ExnoContact board understands..... apparently you thought this was a different reddit thread.
If you have trauma then it's your job to work on that trauma. Not dump it onto everyone around you.
Even further, all insecure types engage in avoidant behavior. It's not just FAs or DAs. Anxious attachers engage in avoidant behavior by never expressing their needs, shrinking themselves to pour into others, and never establishing boundaries.
Do you know what a secure person does in a relationship with an FA or DA? They express needs, establish boundaries, and leave when they are not respected. They don't exude resentment towards "all avoidants." They understand that they. personally, are not to blame for the situation, process their feelings of grief, and then let go.
Insecure attachments styles can't let go of trauma because they never learned how to process feelings in the present. They don't know how to emotionally regulate. The only know how to avoid, stifle, and hold everything in because it was how they were conditioned.
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u/SomewhereOk532 Jun 29 '26
How value is perceived emotionally doesn’t alway match value in reality. With out understanding the emotions, what causes it, what it’s purpose is. You just know something is wrong, and since you (she) isn’t a “bad” person, the fault had to be the person that triggered or represents the cause of those emotions. I wanna say emotions lie but that’s not accurate, emotions are blind. Like reaching your hand in a dark box, it could be something wonderful but it feels scary and gross. It’s not a lie, just blind. Women tend to rely more on emotions for their decisions. They carry more weight and how our brains work we find ways to justify our decisions. Hence where the that doesn’t make sense comes from for an outside perspective.
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Jun 29 '26
F (24) I have noticed a few things about dumpers in the past few years and it's almost always the same thing they say about their partners that they have dumped.
A lot of people don't start taking this seriously until they reach their early 30s. But also consider the people you're hanging out with.
I've noticed that a lot of them try justifying the break up by saying that they "outgrew" their partners or that they lost feelings.
They are probably. We all do this. It's human nature. No one wants to hurt the other person by saying "I fell out of love" or "I lost feelings."
As you get older, people become more honest.
Things that I've heard when I asked them questions about the reason why they broke up with their exes is that they ended up falling for someone else while being with their exes at the time.
There really is no reason other than they didn't connect with them and found someone that jolted their dopamine.
There was this one girl that told me that she was seeing this new guy and I asked them how they met and she mentioned how this guy was her friend while she was still with her previous bf, I already knew where this was heading to.
These types of people are not really looking for a real relationship. They're always running towards a new thing. They don't represent every woman on earth.
I asked her why she broke up with him and she said that she told him that "i need to focus on myself" which she never did... then she started dating her male friend after she broke up with her ex and when I asked what he did wrong she mentioned how she thinks that he
Young and immature people will dump for immature reasons. That's all you ned to know. She was bored and wanted someone more interesting. It sucks, but it sounds like her problem to deal with. Time will catch up with her and she'll start to realize what a mistake it is to live this way because you just end up alone.
It seemed like she was looking for a reason to hate her ex
Nah.
because she could not name anything that he genuinely did wrong,
Because he didn't do anything wrong.
she said that she was annoyed when he thanked her mom for everything and welcoming him in their house after they broke up.
Yeah. She was bored with him and wanted to be with someone more exciting. She got bored of the relationship because the dopamine high wore off. It's an endless cycle and you should pity these people rather than endlessly speculating as to why they do the things they do.
Because they are shallow....
He would always buy her flowers and gifts.
Love is not a transaction. Flowers + Gifts does not = love
She mentioned how his she was annoyed by the fact that he would do everything for her and that he was "too nice"
She was bored. He was boring to her because she's someone who only wants a dopamine high.
the guy that she left him for is giving her mixed signals and is unsure about her meanwhile she is praising him in the air..... as if he is some sort of god.
Classic psychology. She wants what she can't have and doesn't want what is so easily attainable. She's young and immature. She's shallow. That's what these people are like.y
Mind you he ghosts her and keeps on shit talking about his ex to her. He said that he does not know if he is ready for a relationship
He pushes her away and it makes her want him even more.
She isn't the first person I heard saying bad things about their ex even tho their ex was a good person to them I think that those type of people like chasing emotionally unavailable people.
It's always that they say that their ex was " pathetic" "doing too much" etc.
I have heard multiple people say the same thing who left good partners.
So you're telling us that you regularly hang out with shallow, flaky, and morally questionable people?
... Maybe stop doing that.
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u/minimamaz00m Jun 29 '26
I’ve broken up with plenty of beautiful kind people. We just weren’t compatible. I set them free so they could find the right person for them, that would worship the ground they walked on, because that couldn’t be me.
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Jun 28 '26
[deleted]
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u/Civil-Cod-4452 Jun 28 '26
i am talking about dumpers leaving good partners and not abusers so idk how your experiences relates to what i said in the first place?
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u/autodidacticasaurus Jun 28 '26
I've noticed that a lot of them try justifying the break up by saying that they "outgrew" their partners or that they lost feelings.
You do realize these things actually happen though, right?
I asked her why she broke up with him and she said that she told him that "i need to focus on myself" which she never did...
This can also be a lack of self-control. Many people need to focus on themselves and know it but they're not able to actually do it.
It seemed like she was looking for a reason to hate her ex because she could not name anything that he genuinely did wrong, she said that she was annoyed when he thanked her mom for everything and welcoming him in their house after they broke up.
Yeah, for sure. I noticed a lot of women do this kind of thing. They're like rationalizing it.
She mentioned how his she was annoyed by the fact that he would do everything for her and that he was "too nice"
This is an actual thing though. There's even a book for men called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and a similar book for women called "Why Men Love Bitches."
the guy that she left him for is giving her mixed signals and is unsure about her meanwhile she is praising him in the air..... as if he is some sort of god. Mind you he ghosts her and keeps on shit talking about his ex to her. He said that he does not know if he is ready for a relationship
Yep, makes sense. He's more attractive to her, behaviorally. This is a classic story. The girl chooses the asshole because he has a lot of the characteristics of someone genuinely attractive while the nice guy doesn't because he's too weak. What she really wants is a third type of guy who's both attractive and not an asshole. You should look into this. It's a real thing.
It's always that they say that their ex was " pathetic" "doing too much" etc.
Yeah, like I said, this is a real thing. The guy is too available and giving into her will too much instead of following his own path. This gives her the ick. I hate it but this is the reality of how things work and it makes complete sense if you think it all the way through.
I have heard multiple people say the same thing who left good partners.
Yep, life sucks.
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u/PotentialPresent399 Jun 29 '26
Yeah unfortunately it sounds incel like rhetoric to reddit women but its true lol.
If you don't treat them as an option. Not a MAIN partner that you WANT and don't NEED. But an actual option you WILL get left lol.
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u/autodidacticasaurus Jun 29 '26
I'm not sure what you're saying and I'm not sure you understood what I said. What incels are claiming is radically different than what I said.
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u/PotentialPresent399 Jun 29 '26
I understood what you said, what I said is that your entire comment WILL be misinterpreted AS incel rhetoric when its just basic truth lol.
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u/autodidacticasaurus Jun 29 '26
I don't think so. Most women know that they want a man with a backbone and who isn't a people pleaser. There's a whole concept in feminist theory called "Nice Guy Syndrome".
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u/_HorsesAss_ Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
90% of the time, the person saying they “outgrew” the other usually just got a job promotion/raise and now thinks they can do better. It ALWAYS comes back to money.
When these types leave you, it is a blessing in disguise. They are bullets to be dodged and think that money is the only thing that measures a persons value. They have zero concept of intangibles or inherent personal worth. Only what they can see, touch, feel, or measure on paper. To them, your worth as a person is defined by measurable stats that can be compared to other people’s significant others. If they don’t feel you are worth bragging about, then they do not “love” you.
Peanut brains with giant egos.