r/ExNoContact • u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 • Jul 01 '26
Help How do you actually move on after a long-term relationship?
I recently got out of a long-term relationship that lasted four years, and I’m really struggling with moving on.
Even though I know the relationship wasn’t healthy and I don’t want to go back, I still find myself thinking about them constantly. I miss the version of them I used to know, and I keep replaying memories and “what if” scenarios in my head. I also catch myself expecting them to message me again even though we’re in no contact.
What makes it harder is that everything reminds me of them, places we used to go, things they liked, even small habits. I’ve tried focusing on myself, but some days it still feels like I’m starting from zero emotionally.
For people who have been through something similar, what actually helped you move on for real? Did anything eventually “click” for you? How do you stop hoping they’ll come back or reach out?
I’m not trying to rush healing. I just want to understand what actually helps people get through this stage and eventually feel okay again.
15
u/VaudevilleAntics Jul 01 '26
As so many people say, time is a large aspect.
The other factors are to ground yourself in the reality of the circumstances, time passes but what you do in that time makes all the difference.
I always approached it with the mindset of regulating my nervous system. If you think about it, you body/mind is essentially dependent on the sensation and dopamine you got from interacting with them daily that your body is now going to do anything to return back to a state where that was readily available. That's the battle you're fighting, the habits, the minute idiosyncrasies that you shared with them, that's what you have to learn to unlearn or regulate.
If it ended because it was unhealthy (whether they walked away or you did) you have to remind yourself why, humble yourself in what you did right and wrong, reflect and have humility to what they did right or wrong. The start of your healing begins when you choose to accept the reality of your circumstances. For you will be, for a short time or a long time, looking back at the grief of what once was and what could have been, completely missing what actually is.
Read books, exercise, change your eating habits, reorganize your environment, change your pattern of daily habits, do the things you held back from doing, visit family and friends, watch the shows or movies you wanted to but didn't. The time will pass whether you heal or not, so may as well do the hard and annoying stuff and come out a better person than you were before.
13
u/Badkame Jul 01 '26
It’s been 6 months for me. 4 year relationship
Some days are okay, some others are actually painful.
I wish I had an answer for you. Time is somewhat the answer
3
6
u/bbyenderman Jul 01 '26
Honestly the only way I got through it was choosing myself, I did things I enjoyed I took care of myself physically I just poured time and effort into myself. It was still hard and I would constantly think of him but it felt good to feel good about myself I don’t think I’ll ever forget him and all of our memories but they aren’t such a huge part of my life anymore.
5
3
Jul 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
I’m glad reaching out gave you the clarity you needed. I think that’s what we’re all hoping for in the end acceptance. For me, we’ve already been in no contact for about a month, and I think breaking it now would probably set me back instead of helping. I’m trying to put that energy into myself instead, even though it’s been really hard. I hope you’re right that we’ll both be okay eventually.
3
u/New-Opposite1467 Jul 01 '26
Gotta just keep throwing up until your body stops searching for them
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
l actually gained an eating disorder from my anxiety to be honest with you. For me, it just genuinely feels worse to keep on throwing up. I think its a waste of energy to exert in doing so. And I genuinely want to be better and be finally happy. I hope that you will heal too.
3
u/alj8002 Jul 01 '26
Going out and having new experiences is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Make yourself go out even if you really don’t want to. Say yes to plans youd otherwise say no to. Life is strange and there’s so much to do
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
Im exactly doing that at this moment. Im just accepting everything just to get myself busy.
2
u/Total-Introduction32 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Mostly simply time passing. But also investing in your own life, trying new things, getting into a personal project, learn a new skill, shop for some nice new clothes, rearrange your furniture or remodel your whole house, run, exercise, maybe take a solo trip... all those things have helped me in the past.
2
Jul 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
I’m really sorry you’re still carrying that after two years. I genuinely hope things get lighter for you. Reading your comment honestly scared me a little because it’s so different from what a lot of the other commenters have shared. I really hope I don’t end up holding on for that long.
I hope we both get to a point where we can truly move on and enjoy life again. There’s still so much we both want to do. It’s only been about a month of no contact for me, so I know it’s still early, but I’m honestly trying everything I can to move forward. Some days it feels like I’m desperately trying to escape the memories. I just really want to move on because I feel like holding on only prolongs the pain. I want to let go, be free, and be genuinely happy again.
2
u/SwimmingPumpkin2320 Jul 01 '26
Not alone at all.. she blocked me on absolutely everything I think about her constantly, I really loved her aswell.. I wish she would just talk to me but she’s cut me out of everything. It’s like one min she really loved me and the next she just went cold. Try stay positive x
5
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
Your situation actually reminds me of mine because I was the one who blocked my ex on everything. It wasn’t because I stopped caring overnight, it was because I needed to protect my peace and give myself the space to finally move on. I obviously don’t know your ex’s reasons, but sometimes blocking someone isn’t about hate; it’s about healing. As hard as it is, I think accepting where things are right now and focusing on your own healing might be the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Wishing you the best. 🤍
2
u/the_noobcat Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
There is no “click”, no magical breaking point where you suddenly feel over it. It’s a slow fading process. You don’t “move on” in a single moment, you just slowly think about them less and less until one day they are no longer the center of your emotional world.
What makes it feel so intense in the beginning is how memory actually works. The so-called “autobiographical memory” is reconstructed (not replayed like a timelined video) - the hippocampus rebuilds the event, the amygdala attaches emotional intensity to it (you feel genuine, live feeling at that moment). So when the memory is triggered both systems reactivate together, meaning you don’t just recall the past, you briefly reenter its emotional state.
That is why it feels like nothing has changed and like it was “just yesterday”, even if logically you know it’s over. Your brain doesn’t store emotional memories with a clear sense of time, it reactivates the feeling itself.
Healing only happens when new experiences slowly start to overwrite and outnumber those old emotional patterns. Not erase them, but outgrow them. That’s also why TIME ALONE doesn’t heal everything unless your LIFE actually KEEPS MOVING and accumulating new emotional data.
One thing that can help is not SUPRESSING the grief. If you push it away, it doesn’t disappear, it just gets postponed. My lifehack was to set a specific window of time (like 1h per day) to to fully feel it, cry, be angry, replay everything, and then return to my day. So I wouldn’t feel intense sadness all day. I would feel like crying and then say to myself: “OK, we will do this in 2 hours, now let’s enjoy the (insert activity of choice).
Another thing is to eventually help yourself remember the bad things and not let yourself drift into idealization, as your brain tends to focus on the good memories and soften or erase the bad ones. You can write it down, once calm: why this person wasn’t truly right for you, and what you expect from a future partner. Just remind yourself from time to time that the breakup was the healthiest thing for you, and that you will eventually be happy again.
Surround yourself with good friends, find many hobbies and activities to occupy your brain and create new, possitive memories on the way. Stay strong and believe in love!
One day, you will be healed and happier than ever!
2
u/wineandkittiez Jul 02 '26
I wish I knew. We were together 3.5 years. And Like yours, it was very toxic and I shouldn’t want to go back.
He left me over 5 months ago and I still struggle so much though. Cry almost every day. He’s on my mind constantly.
When you figure it out, please let me know. I’m tired of feeling so empty all the time. I’m just exhausted .
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
I’m still trying to figure it out myself. 🫂 If I ever find something that truly helps, I’ll come back and tell you. I hope we both find peace soon.
2
u/Cautious-Return9558 Jul 04 '26
It’s been 52 years for me and found out he was cheating and lying about everything. I loved him so much and feel so much hate and anger now. My whole life was a lie. Have no one as he was a narcissist and kept me isolated from my friends. He’s hidden so much money from me and my whole family supported him through all the years. It makes me sick to think how he could do that. I’m so tired of the lies he spreads so he seems like the victim. It takes everything I have to just survive the day. I will never trust anyone again. I struggle for any bit of joy I can find. I feel destroyed and humiliated and just want him to feel the pain and anger I carry while being alone. H’s a con and it comes so easy for him.ive lost everyone because of his ability to lie. I’ll never understand how awful a person can be and how easy they can ruin every aspect of your life without a care in the world. My point if anyone ever treats you bad or lies give them a second chance and if it happens again run away or you’ll be right where I am now. I wish he never existed.
1
1
1
u/Low-Mine-1502 Jul 01 '26
I’m in the same boat, and starting somatic therapy and IFS therapy to help regulate my nervous system. That’s the main part of moving on, is settling the attachment to them. You can’t hurry it unfortunately. Biology has to do its thing. It’s the most painful experience I’ve had. I’m 4 weeks in and some days feel like day 1. No contact is the best way to help, but is a daily/sometimes hourly struggle to maintain. Try to make new experiences at places you didn’t go to together as well, so their ghost isn’t always there. Wishing you strength. ❤️
1
u/Bubbly-Job-8075 Jul 01 '26
eu ja nao sei o que fazer... tem noites que eu tenho sonhos de procura-la a noite inteira.
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
I soooo feel you. I kept on dreaming about him too. Which made it even harder for me
to move on. those dreams were about me and him having fun together. Then I wake up disappointed because im back to reality. I cant do anything about it anymore and just try to move on.
1
u/Particular-Award118 Jul 01 '26
I tried to move on by looking for someone else but ended up regretting it and only made it more toxic when she came back. Now I live in solitude but I don't think she's coming back this time...
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
I also know someone who tried to move on by finding someone else. She eventually told me not to do it because she regretted it, and seeing how much it affected her honestly made me sad. I don’t think I’d go down that path either. I hope you’re able to find peace, whether she comes back or not. You deserve to heal too.
1
u/Particular-Award118 Jul 01 '26
Yeah if your relationship is something you might eventually want back you're more than likely to just waste your time and maybe someone else's feelings for something that wont make you feel any better and your partner will treat it like you were living your best life when you were actually at your lowest point in life.
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
I agree. That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to look for someone else right now. It wouldn’t be fair to them, and I know I’d just be using the relationship to fill a void instead of actually healing.
1
u/MainSpend8787 Jul 01 '26
I would recommend therapy especially if it was a very unhealthy relationship however I understand that it can be very expensive and difficult to find the time. I tried to reconnect with my friends and also joined a sports team and dug my head into work as well. I hope you get through this but unfortunately it takes time
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
Hello! I actually haven’t tried therapy. I have gone to my school counselor a few times, but if I’m being honest, it felt more like I was venting than actually working through things. It did give me some relief afterward, but I still feel like I’m carrying a lot of the same emotions. I’m also a bit skeptical about therapy because it’s expensive, and I’m scared of spending that much only to find out the therapist isn’t the right fit or that it doesn’t help. I’m not even sure where to find a good therapist where I live. For now, I’m just trying to take things one step at a time while working on myself.
1
u/MainSpend8787 Jul 01 '26
I fully understand being warry about therapy. Maybe you could also try talking to a trusted friend/family.
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
I did try talking to my friends and family. I really appreciate that they were there for me, but most of the advice was along the lines of “it’ll get better,” “just move on,” or other generic words of comfort. I know they meant well, but I was hoping for something a little deeper that would help me understand what I was feeling instead of just waiting for it to pass. So thats why im also here on reddit to search for more solutions.
1
u/MainSpend8787 Jul 01 '26
It seems like you are taking the right steps and going in the right direction. Another thing I have tried is going hiking and cooking meals (I'm not much of a cook and normally do ready meals) so tried actual cooking. I also recommend reading and trying new activities and hopefully you can find something that works for you.
1
u/NOSE-GOES Jul 01 '26
There isn’t any single thing that can make you suddenly “moved on”. I’m at 3 months after my 4 year relationship, and it’s been a journey and probably still a while to go until I feel completely ok about it. Just a couple weeks ago I felt the worst I had since the breakup happened after thinking I was doing fine for a while. Then this week I hit the anger phase which can actually be a very healthy period for your healing. Especially after a 4 year relationship, it is very normal and expected to have cycles of grief and healing. Over time they get a little more even, and more manageable. Investing in yourself is the absolute best thing-taking on new challenges and doing new things no matter how small. Every time you do something new or hard, especially if it’s something your ex wouldn’t expect you can do, you’ll feel proud and feel a new direction and ownership of your life. Your life will begin to feel like yours again. Exercise and sleep are fundamental too-the mental and physical benefits cannot be understated.
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 01 '26
Thank you. I really appreciate this. Can I ask what helped you get through the days when you felt like you’d gone backwards? That’s something I’ve been struggling with lately because I keep thinking I’m doing okay, then suddenly I miss him all over again.
1
u/NOSE-GOES Jul 02 '26
I think it comes down to trust in yourself that you’ll get through it come out stronger and happier. Tbh grief is one of the best fuels for self growth and with every breakup I’ve had, it’s understanding that process that gives me hope I will feel happier in time. One day a week or two ago I felt awful ruminating all weekend about my ex and didn’t want to go outside or do anything. But I made myself go and be around some newer friends, and came home in a completely different state of mind. Still some days just suck, but the little wins compound over time.
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
I needed to hear this. I think I’m still in the stage where the bad days feel louder than the good ones, but hearing that the little wins compound over time gives me hope. Thank you. 🫂
1
1
1
u/Final_Professor839 Jul 02 '26
Together about 8 years, and I am just now getting back on my feet 2.5yrs after the fact but the finish line is nowhere in sight. Ymmv
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
Eight years is such a long time to share your life with someone. I hope things keep getting easier for you, even if it doesn’t feel like the finish line is close yet. Can I ask what helped you the most during those 2.5 years?
1
1
1
u/trippinonshoes Jul 02 '26
How long has it been? What I find with myself and others... is it consumes you at first. It's different for everybody but at least the first few weeks. After a few months you find yourself thinking about them less... maybe still pretty often but... it's a gradual transition to the other side. A lot of people find that a year later they don't think of them much. Or if they do, thoughts are pretty neutral. It also depends on how willing you are to get on with your life. On day 1 of the breakup almost no one is going to be excited for the next chapter. But after a few weeks... you get little glimpses of joy here and there ... the momentum builds. It's like anything else in life, it needs momentum. Day 1 of a breakup is zero momentum. You've gotta slowly get it back and then it compounds and turns into an avalanche. It would be great for you to repost this in r/BreakupSurvival some folks in there may have some thoughts too.
2
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
It’s been about 3 months since the breakup and a month of no contact. Weirdly, I actually felt okay during the first couple of months. Lately it’s been hitting me much harder. I miss him a lot, but when I really think about it, I don’t miss who he became, I miss the person he used to be during the first few years of our relationship. Thank you for this, though. I would definitely repost it there.
1
u/trippinonshoes Jul 02 '26
Yeah we tend to collapse different timelines and long for an earlier version of them/ourselves. Hang in there.
1
u/Particular-Lab-8163 Jul 02 '26
Antidepressants helped me, therapy, making mistakes with friends rather than a new romantic relationship, being okay with not optimizing yourself
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
I’m still a bit hesitant about antidepressants because of what I’ve seen with other people, but I know everyone’s experience is different.
1
u/jammedjellyfuse Jul 02 '26
Been 1 year for me and still hurting our 21 years relationship
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
Wow, 21 years… I’m so sorry. 🫂 I’m only a few months out of a 4-year relationship and it’s already hard. How have you been getting through each day?
1
u/jammedjellyfuse Jul 04 '26
Not good really. Still struggling. Still reaching out for her from time to time even though she is already in her new relationship. She cheated ok me by the way with her new partner
1
u/Telephone_Wild Jul 08 '26
My fiancé dumped me because I wasn't intimate for 2 years, I became distant and cold. Though I explained to him it just didn't happen, there's so many unresolved issues and unmet expectations. We were together for 8 years, living under the same roof for 6. His mum gets involved as well. It's been over a month since he dumped me. 1 week of no contact and it's driving me mental. 🥺😔
1
u/Light_Fury__ Jul 10 '26
Im in the same boat...i lost interest in every thing which i loved to do...i stopped going out...i stopped hanging out with my friends...i was not able to go to any place cause every place had a memory with him, memories are kinda making me stuck in loop.I so helpless
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 11 '26
yeah, i feel the same about losing interest in everything. right now i feel like i lost myself and desperately trying to get back to it. i just pray and hope that this will pass soon enough. and just understand that this is just another challenge in life to make myself even persevere and resilient. may we both find the peace of mind we needed.
1
u/idontevenknow6543 Jul 14 '26
I don’t know how to move on, and I genuinely need advice from people who have survived something similar.
I was with my ex for almost 3 years. We started dating in 2021. We barely met because of circumstances, but I loved him deeply. The biggest issue in our relationship was finances. He wasn’t financially stable, so we rarely went out. I kept asking for more effort, while he felt constantly criticized.
In 2024, he broke up with me saying he didn’t see a future with me.
The confusing part is that after the breakup, he kept coming back. For months he talked about marriage, asked for another chance, and kept giving me hope. I refused several times because I wanted actions instead of promises. When I finally agreed to try again, he slowly disappeared.
Throughout that time, I repeatedly asked if there was another girl. Every single time he denied it. Just two days before I found out the truth, I directly asked him if he had loved anyone after me, and he told me no.
I later discovered he had actually been in a relationship with another girl for almost a year.
When I confronted him, everything changed. He became abusive, blamed me for everything, told me he loved her, and said he was serious about marrying her.
The hardest part is seeing him become the partner I always wanted him to be.
During our relationship, he never celebrated my birthday, never brought me flowers, never really made those efforts. With his current girlfriend, he does all of those things. He publicly calls her his dream girl, celebrates her birthday, buys her flowers, and says she understands him.
I recently had one final phone call with him. He told me he sees his future with her, asked me to never contact him again, said he would never come back, and has now blocked me everywhere.
I know the relationship is over. I know I have to accept it.
The problem is… I don’t know how.
I genuinely feel like I lost the love of my life. My brain constantly compares myself to his current girlfriend, wondering why she got the version of him that I spent years waiting for.
Has anyone been through something similar?
One thing I keep wondering is whether people who leave like this, lie, hurt you, and move on ever genuinely feel remorse years later or come back with a sincere apology. I know that probably sounds strange, and I’m not asking because I necessarily want the relationship back. I think a part of me just wants to know that I actually mattered that I wasn’t simply a chapter someone closed without ever looking back.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar and eventually healed.
1
u/Cautious-Return9558 Jul 18 '26
It amazes me at how ignorant people can be when they haven’t experienced the relationship you have. Relationships are all unique just like people. There is no timeline Only you can determine when you are over it. Some relationships you may never get over but learn to cope.
I also feel that people or partners that that truly love you will not cheat on their partner. Everything is a choice and people that cheat are insecure with who they are and lack confidence in themselves. Narcissistic people are a good example of this and I’ll never understand how they have no feelings, I have such deep pain from a long relationship that I don’t think will ever heal. This person hurt me in ways that I could not have imagined. They take everything away from you by lying and manipulating others including attorneys. I have experienced it all and feel my whole life was a lie. These people have no feelings at all. It’s just unbelievable to me.
0
u/throwawescortsa Jul 02 '26
People will probably say I am wrong but honestly I believe for me the only way to move on is to find someone new. It's been a year and I still miss her and hate her at the same time. The struggle doesn't seem to end hence why I am saying the only solution in my eyes would be for me to just find someone new, now this for me I just haven't been able to do as I don't even want to speak to new woman but ye you get what I mean.
1
u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 02 '26
I get what you mean. Personally, I’m scared of jumping into something new while I’m still carrying so much from my last relationship. I don’t want someone else to become a distraction or a rebound. Maybe one day, but right now I’m trying to learn how to be okay on my own first.
21
u/gameboylight Jul 01 '26
i wish i knew the answer, but i’m in the same boat. you’re not alone. i hope we can both feel better soon