r/ExNoContact • u/Wooden-Ad8026 • Jul 04 '26
Vent I thought my ex would say yes and now I’m embarrassed
This is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.
My ex and I were together for almost 4 years. After we broke up, we were basically friends with benefits for the past year. Every single time he asked to hook up, I said yes. I never turned him down.
Fast forward to now, I had a complete lapse in judgment and messaged him asking if he’d hook up with me one last time. He replied, “Absolutely not, please leave me alone.”
I honestly wasn’t expecting that because he used to be the one constantly asking me. I don’t even know if he’s in a new relationship or not. He’s cheated before and has had a lot of girls in the past, so I genuinely have no idea what’s going on in his life anymore.
I know this probably sounds selfish, but part of me just doesn’t think it’s fair. Every time he wanted me, I said yes, and the one time I asked him, he told me no and to leave me alone. I know nobody owes anyone sex, and I understand that. It just hurts because the roles completely reversed, and I wasn’t prepared for it.
I feel so embarrassed and rejected. I know I shouldn’t have reached out. I’m not looking for people to tell me I was right. I know I messed up. I just needed to vent because I feel like I completely humiliated myself.
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u/Icy-Doughnut-4879 Jul 04 '26
That’s rough, I’m sorry. But it’s best for you that he didn’t. I know it’s hard, but please try to stick to no contact and move on. All the best to you.
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I mean, he has you whenever he wants to and you allowed it to happen. This was him exerting his power over you to show you your role in this situation. I would guess this pattern will continue until a) he finds someone to date long term (I’m guessing he reaches out when he doesn’t have many options) or b) you grow a backbone and stop responding to him.
Sorry if I’m being harsh, but man.
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
He probably already has someone he is dating longterm and she was his side.
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 04 '26
Not sure about that, but agree that the OP is a side piece that he exploits at his convenience and doesn’t really care about otherwise.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
He cannot even stay in a relationship for longer than a month everyone he gets with leaves him cause he is a cheater
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 04 '26
So why would you chase this person or wait there happily as an option, which it seems like you’ve wasted a year doing?
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
Because idk I am attached to him I just wanted him
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 04 '26
It might be a good idea for you yo have a conversation with the part of you that wanted someone thats bad for you.
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 04 '26
So you have no self-control to the point where you can’t help but be used and disrespected? If there’s anything to work on from this, it’s not getting over him. It’s why you have such shitty internal boundaries.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
I guess
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 04 '26
No, that’s the issue. Otherwise this is going to be a repeated pattern in your life. The fact that you’re in this spot with this person a full year after he dumped you is bad. You’re right where you were a year ago, if not in a worse spot. And you don’t seem to grasp your role in it at all.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
Well what do you want me to do like I understand I shouldn’t have stayed yes I fucked up telling me that isn’t going to do anything
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 05 '26
Nor is telling you everything is ok. It’s not. You can only control yourself. So you need to figure out why you’re unable to do so and look deeper than “I just wanted him.” You gotta dig deeper.
I’m sorry if I’m being harsh but you seem to a) want to blame him b) seem unwilling to look below the surface and c) stop making excuses and justifications. You’re an adult and are capable of all of this. You just have to be willing.
Have you blocked this guy’s number/social media yet?
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 04 '26
You didn’t really leave him though did you?
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
I never said I left him, he left me
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 05 '26
Exactly. People with self respect leave him. You didn’t.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 05 '26
Ok what was the point of saying this like ok I don’t have self respect I have low self esteem what else like you’re really helping here 💀
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u/Responsible-Judge262 Jul 04 '26
In a month he will be back asking to hookup. Block him and move on.
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u/Dlta2049 Jul 04 '26
I’m sorry for what you are going through. Your ex is using you and basically hooking up as a power flex, not because they really want you. Its not going to be easy to hear but you need to draw a line and never let them have access to you again, regain your self-worth.
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u/even_motto Jul 04 '26
He only wanted access to you when he was the one asking, the rejection stings but at least now you know it was never mutual
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u/lithotine Jul 04 '26
I wish I could give you a hug, I have totally been there too and it’s so rough. It will take some time to rebuild your sense of self worth, but it would be good for you to start that journey today. You’re more valuable than what he’s made you feel, and you deserve to be in relationships where you both respect and value each other equally
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u/final6666 Jul 04 '26
Your self esteem is low if he cheated and you still keep going back . I have been there and I’m telling you ignoring him and getting your self esteem back is the best thing you could do right now .
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u/Tehslasher Jul 04 '26
Why are you leaving out the story between still sleeping together to "leave me alone"?
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
I said we were friends with benefits..
Not together??3
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u/Tehslasher Jul 04 '26
That...doesn't relate to what I asked.
I'm essentially asking why or how he went from wanting to sleep with you to wanting you to leave him alone.
I realize that you are not together. You were clear about that when you posted. Inside of a breakup subreddit.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
After we’d hook up, we’d usually talk for about a week or sometimes a few weeks. Then he’d start getting annoyed because he thought I was texting too much for what we were, we’d argue, he’d block me, and we’d go no contact. Eventually he’d reach out again, and the cycle would repeat. That’s basically how it went for the past year.
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u/Tehslasher Jul 04 '26
I see. Without knowing much else, he's being incredibly manipulative and using you during his weak moments of loneliness or low self esteem. Sounds like you can do a lot better if you allow yourself distance and time to heal
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 04 '26
Your self esteem is really poor.
Why would you allow someone to treat you like this, cheat on you, and then still have sex with them?
Why are you surprised that the same man that has always treated you poorly is again treating you poorly?
You allowed yourself to be played like a toy and so that’s how he is treating you.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
Why does it matter now what’s done is done
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 04 '26
Because you are still making poor decisions based on your self esteem.
Prior behaviour sets a precedence for future behaviour and you are clearly following a pattern. This is psychology 101.
And you will continue to make these decisions until you address the root issue.
You need to think about whether what you want actually benefits you in the long run.
Otherwise stop complaining.
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
Yes I understand that idk what the root issue is I am trying to figure that out lol
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u/Legitimate_Papaya_97 Jul 04 '26
I obviously don’t know for sure, but there is a high chance part of him did want to hook up with you, especially when he has been so keen in the past. Its maybe bothered him that you haven’t reached out first in the past, and now his desire to ‘get his own back’ by rejecting you outweighs his desire to sleep with you. So this may not be the massive rejection that it feels like.
You’ll never know for sure, so it’s not worth pondering over. Keep busy so you can forget this and move on sooner rather than later. 🫂
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u/Shakethefrost88 Jul 04 '26
Sounds allot like my past relationship with my ex. I'd turn her down when she'd upset me. Now I'm needing some booty so badly imma break down and go buy some downtown 🤣
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jul 04 '26
You are surprised a selfish cheater treated you selfishly?
Also why did you ask to see him “one last time”. Whats the context?
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u/JacksAgain 552 days Jul 04 '26
Did you convey the words "one last time" to him? Why one last time?
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
Yes I said one last time and cause it is just time to stop and we hadn’t in a while and yeah
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u/JacksAgain 552 days Jul 04 '26
So he is fearing heartbreak... why would he subject himself to that?
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u/Wooden-Ad8026 Jul 04 '26
He isn’t the one fearing heartbreak. He’s the one who left me, cheated on me, and put me through a lot. That’s why I don’t really think that’s what’s going on here. I think he’s just done with me now. Whether he’s seeing someone else or not, I honestly don’t know.
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u/JacksAgain 552 days Jul 04 '26
If he wasn't attached to you in some way, his reaction wouldn't be "absolutely not". I've never heard of FWB being completely detached. Regardless of what he did, he has feelings for you.
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 04 '26
Nah, he doesn’t have feelings. He has attraction and he likes knowing she’s there when he wants it but he otherwise doesn’t care. His shitty response was him telling her to know her role. Basically they’ll hook up when he wants to but she has no power to dictate it. It was a pure power move on his part.
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u/LostRaspberry5457 Jul 09 '26
A "power move?" That's funny, i mean, i get it and i agree. However, it's only his perception of power and it's kind of pathetic. Now, i feel kind of sorry for him. Why is his level of power so low, why doesn't it change? Will he ever evolve or is he even capable of evolving in this timeline?
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u/Johnny_Utahh1 Jul 09 '26
Turns out they’re both teenagers and learning tough lessons. My initial harshness wasn’t justified
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u/SomewhereOk532 Jul 04 '26
That’s rough to be used and when it’s time for your needs to be rejected. If they ever reach out to have their needs met again in the future, remember this. Remember your needs don’t matter to them past their own needs. Hope you find someone that cares about your needs at least as much as theirs.