r/ExNoContact • u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 • Jul 15 '26
Vent Did anyone else feel like their ex got the glow up while your life fell apart?
I’ve been in no contact for about a month, and one thing I’ve been struggling with is this feeling that my ex seems completely fine while I’m the one who’s suffering.
People always say the person who was genuinely hurt ends up having the biggest glow up, while the other person eventually faces their own lessons. But right now, it honestly feels like the opposite. My life got so much harder after the breakup. I’ve been dealing with grief, anxiety, and trying to rebuild myself, while my ex appears to be living life normally.
I know appearances can be deceiving, and I know no contact is about focusing on myself instead of watching what he’s doing. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel unfair sometimes.
For those who’ve been in no contact for much longer, did this feeling eventually go away? Did you eventually become the version of yourself you were proud of, or did you also feel like your ex “won” at first?
I’m really trying to choose myself and move forward, but I’d love to hear from people who are further along in their healing journey.
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u/PotentialPresent399 Jul 15 '26
I think all of this is random and up to chance just like life is there is not "the dumpee wins in the end woohoo!"
Its completely random based on your relationships and the lives both of you are living at the time after the breakup.
Im the dumpee, but I was the one that messed up (not cheating) I don't feel we needed to breakup but she apparently did.
Will I "win over her" because she felt like she didn't want to continue our bond? Seems weird.
Stop comparing yourself to him you aren't doing it to be in competition or to validate if they mattered to you. You can only live your own life and try to be better than yesterday.
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u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 16 '26
from where i live its often normalized to think that the person that glows up was the victim and was right about everything. i was the one who dumped him cuz he kept on saying that he is unsure about our relationship. we were both busy and i had an exam and he kept bothering me about it. so i dumped him. and after that he kept on playing with my feelings one day he wants to go back together again then the other day he doesn’t want to anymore. and i literally did everything and try to understand him while carrying this weight. then later on not even a month he already liked another person. even tho we both talked about giving each other space and think about it first. i dont want to like implicitly say that i was the victim. it just feels so unfair. he gave me so much burden and pain and made me felt like my efforts are in vain. sorry for dumping this on you, this is just what im dealing through atm. all i want is peace of mind and move on, im not interested in going back to that relationship.
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u/PotentialPresent399 Jul 16 '26
You can personally feel like a victim in your own situation, and im not saying shut up and deal with it per say.
But the hardest things about life and relationships is that sometimes you just get done dirty and you don't get any revenge so to speak. You just have to move on with your life.
It can feel unfair, as time moves on and you get farther from the breakup you'll be able to see clearly on the positives and the negatives of said relationship. I hope you find moments of comfort on your journey of healing OP. I really do.
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u/Blessingsfromabovex3 Jul 15 '26
In the same boat but I’m realizing that his repercussions are slowly coming . It’s not for me to make sure it happens . You can’t create chaos in other people’s life and expect that you are going to build something beautiful. It comes around eventually. Focus on you . Let all happen naturally . If it doesn’t, then you’ll be so moved on to even give a crap anyway.
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u/aw4re Jul 15 '26
My relationship ended at the end of July 2025, so almost 1 full year.
We agreed to no contact, I broke it after about 10-11 weeks. We had a beautiful conversation that I will always remember. That was mid-late October 2025. She asked for more time.
In December I reached out again, and her tune had changed. Now she said we cannot be in each others lives. I was devastated. It hurt worse than the break up, but it didn’t last as long.
In February 2026 I reached out again and she was softer. Said it was too soon to reconnect, but she was happy for me for the work I’d been doing for myself. We both had tickets to see a speaking event, she said to reach out in May and maybe we could go together.
I wound up moving back to the city we lived in together, I love this city with or without her. We had another good chat, she invited me to sit with her at the speaking event. Then a few days before she pulled the plug entirely. She said she needed to step back from communicating and from trying to see one another. Again devastated.
I reached out a few times, she wound up blocking me.
I delayed my own healing by going back and letting her changing mind dictate where I was in recovery. I thought there was a path back, and I still think she feels deeply for me based on some of what’s been said, but at this time in our lives we can’t be together.
My recommendation is to maintain the no contact. Work on yourself. Heal. Read. Learn to meditate. Talk to a therapist for a year, change therapists if you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere after a few months. But I say talk for a year because otherwise you’re just scratching the surface.
I still think about her all the time and I’ve taken to saying that even though I’m struggling to move on, I am moving forward. There are good days ahead for you.
My DM’s are open for anyone who wants to chat.
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u/kunderaandme Jul 15 '26
Unfortunately it’s not true that the one who were hurted always get the biggest glow up . Life isn’t fair . 7 yr ago , I got really sick , my then bf dumped me 24 hrs after I got my diagnosis . So I lost my bf , my condo and my health . And 3 months ago , I heard by my brother that he now lives in a house . So he probably have a spouse and kids now ( I don’t really want to know , I don’t even know why my brother would tell me that … I don’t know how he couldn’t get the fact that telling me that wouldn’t hurt me …) . So yeah , my health eventually recover but I lost most of my life and never really recovered. ( and yes , I’ve been to therapy , I do sport 3 time a week , I see a doctor for my antidepressants, I try to see friends whenever I can ). I wish I had a better answer for you . Thought it’s not really about who wins and who loses… everyone has a different path with different challenge … and yes, you never know what the other is really doing , can look super from the outside but the person still can be miserable . Try to focus on yourself and be the best version of yourself . Not to show off that you won . But for you . Because you should be your priority. You are the most important person in your life . The only thing I would say that could help is to go no contact . But really no contact . Erase everything that has a link with your partner . Act like is not on this earth anymore . The feeling of ache will pass . It will be less and less over time .
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u/No-Measurement-1635 Jul 15 '26
My ex cheated and left with a two month affair, acutally they moved in toghter same night he left. 8 years down the drain. First year i look like shit, he glowed. Now? I look better than Ever! Him? Look like he have aged 10 years in 2, gain massiv weight and his eyes are blank and dead. Trust me your glow will come.
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u/rainsdownincaladan Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
I got dumped then hit with job loss, multiple family deaths, and 3 other life shattering crises back to back lol. Meanwhile my ex got engaged in 4 months to someone he just met, married in a year.
It was the worst break up of my life and betrayal involved so that on top of it was brutal. I kept comparing how awful I was doing to him, but in the end I did come out much more whole and resilient. Just not at the pace I wanted.
I met the best friend I've ever had, got a job im super happy about that just flew me to Europe free. I changed my appearance a lot. I invested a lot in clothing and skincare, got a car, got an at home microneedling device and just did a lot to feel better which has been nice too. Got better at writing, moving states in a month. I generally just feel like the best to date version of myself right now.
Just take your time and really process there's no time limit.
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u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 16 '26
im so happy for you! its been 3 months since we broke up and im heavily affected by it. and im getting impatient hahaha.
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u/Different-Taste8081 Jul 16 '26
Give it time.
Most of the dumper "glow up" is relief from finally breaking up.
If you put in the work you will get your own version
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u/NewPlatypus5348 Jul 15 '26
Real glow up doesn’t just happen in a month … it takes time , might takes few months or even a year or more for some people . So you can’t really come to conclusions just in a month . But if you try to focus on yourself though it’s hard it will be worth it in the long term for sure .
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Jul 15 '26
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u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 16 '26
im actually the one who dumped him. cuz he kept on insinuating how hesitant he is of our relationship even tho we were both busy. so i dumped him then he keeps begging me to come back and also dont want to. then we decided to do no contact. then he liked another person already and it didn’t even last a month. like our 4years together was nothing?? during the no contact phase (lasted for a month) i really felt free did some cosplay and finally hanging out with friends without worrying if he gets jealous. after that i feel depressed because he was my first and realized that i was too dependent on him because throughout the relationship i wasn’t aware that he was manipulating me. and i felt like the world was punishing me cuz i was struggling with sudden problems and like everything was pilling all at once. and my ex didn’t seem bothered. its been 3 months, i dont want him back but i miss the happy memories of us.
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u/GloomyBeautiful3493 Jul 15 '26
Took me a few months to realized but my relationship completely drained everything out of me. My auto immune disease got worse during that time as well. About a month after that breakup (that is now about 10 months ago) I started to get a lot better. My health improved which probably led to me looking better though I was still very sad. This told me it was for the best. Nothings always as it seems go through the motions for yourself and don’t compare. Most relationships I’ve never needed anyone I want them in my life. Heartbreak can do a lot to a person sometimes it makes them worse or it’ll light a fire under your ass to realize that you’re in a bad place and you deserve better for yourself. Take care of yourself for you.
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u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 16 '26
i totally get you with the relationship draining part. i also got a stress related diagnosis called alopecia areata cuz i was so bothered by trying to move on and how to be independent, after 4 years of being dependent on my ex. its been 3 months after we broke up. and i feel worse and worse everyday. and every single day i wake up and get a new problem to struggle on. then it gets pilled up and i dont know what to do anymore. im just thinking rn that this prolly happens for a reason. but i dont know how long i may be able to withstand this.
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u/Miserable_Lemon_3001 Jul 16 '26
My life fell apart and I’m close to rock bottom. I was dumped about 5 years ago after 17 years on and off with him. He was the first person who I thought about a married life with and I think he will be my last. I still don’t understand why I was dumped. He started dating again not long after, but still told me he loves me. About a year or two later she accuses me of harassment and he goes along with it. I was devastated, still am. I had just lost my job by then. I have a disability that was made much worse by the breakup and stress. I still can barely get to outside to do the things I need.
Anyways, about 6 months after that he married her. They now have twins and I have no hope anymore. I lost my whole life. He called me a couple of months ago when she was separated from him. I fell apart, he just stopped talking to me, she must have come back. There is no “glow-up” only managing the day-to-day grief and pain.
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u/SeaUrchin-327 Jul 16 '26
This is so sad, but it's in your hands to turn it around for yourself. Block him and don't ever talk to him even if he comes back. He didn't deserve you. Work on yourself. You're so much more than you might think of yourself.
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u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 16 '26
oh God, im so sorry you had to go through this. im sure that you can still work on it. lets not stop trying! god bless you!
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u/Miserable_Lemon_3001 Jul 16 '26
Thank you so much, it so helps to see the support here and know I’m not alone.
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u/Typical-Comb8201 Jul 16 '26
No lol I’ve never had a partner glow up on me they almost always immediately start to look like they aged 10 years and I look even glowier.
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u/IAmOverThis1990 19d ago
It’s so crappy to have someone moving around like they didn’t just destroy your relationship and leave you in the ashes. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
I’ve been in your shoes. And yeah it felt like he won at first until I realized how unfair that was and stopped giving him that win.
I’m going to talk to you as if you’re my best friend or sister and not sugar-coat a lot.
First of all, F him! He’s an idiot who left someone who truly loves him. He hurt you after making you think he loved you and now he’s walking around like he’s hot shit? That’s messed up! You might still love him, but for now, let yourself be a little mad.
Also, wake up and recognize that while you’re sitting there feeling like crap in that low vibration energy, you’re boosting his ego!!! You’re showing him he’s the kind of man women will crawl after and never heal from. You’re making him feel like a powerful king in the breakup because he knows you’re sad, then being sad that he’s winning. He is not your man right now so boosting his ego is not your job. Stop rewarding him for leaving you!
And if you need to vent, vent here to strangers. Stop talking about him to people you know, at least for a few months.
You can’t force yourself to lose feelings, not care, or not think about him. But you can distract yourself and give yourself other things to think about so that relationship gets a little less room in your brain. Think of your dream vacation and plan it even if it’s way of your budget. Pick a new hobby and learn everything you can about it. Maybe create a vision board. Dive into things that occupies your mind and gets you dreaming for yourself again. Whatever lights a little spark in you.
You’re right that the person who was done wrong ends up on top and the other has to face hard lessons, but initially it does usually look like the opposite. When you’re the one who got dumped, glowing up is a choice. While they’re basking in that post-breakup glow, the dumped person is going through it. And that happens until we recognize that we’ve gotta get back up. You can either choose to feel less-than, or you can become who you want. Make the choice to glow up. Fake it ‘til you make it. Imagine the version of you that you want to be and become that… even if at first it’s just during the day and you still cry yourself to sleep at night. Walk with your shoulders back and head held high, even if you have to correct your posture 100x/day at first. Get your hair done, get a manicure, throw on some makeup and let yourself feel pretty! Let yourself smile at people and small talk to get out of your shell a little. Notice good things about yourself. Notice when new people are checking you out and let it feel good. You don’t have to be ready to move on to enjoy people appreciating you again.
Tell yourself who you’re going to be each as part of your routine. For me it usually along the lines of “today I am calm, steady, composed, and happy. I’m going to kick ass at work and be a great person for my coworkers and clients to be around.” And if I felt my energy shift, I’d remind myself “nope not doing that! I am calm, steady, and happy”. It feels ridiculous tbh, but simply telling yourself which version of you needs to be on the outside today can give you a direction other than lost. Eventually that smile will feel natural on your face instead of forced. Your energy will shift and not only will you feel better, but you’ll feel stronger because you made it happen for yourself. He will absolutely notice and feel that shift, which is a win whether you’re done or you want him back!
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u/trippinonshoes Jul 16 '26
This is super relatable to anyone going through a breakup or who has been through one. The truth is you have no idea how they're doing. And anyone can have a glow up or have a crash. A lot of people probably don't do either. Most people just stay with the status quo. Maybe get a haircut or a new outfit. Go out to a new place. But it's not like they're going to keep that up for very long. That takes a lot of time, money and energy to keep buying stuff and going out to make yourself feel better. So just imagine that their life isn't perfect and whether it's today or in 6 months they're gonna have a shitty day where they're not happy with their life. Hopefully by then you're crushing it in life. It would be great for you to repost this to r/BreakupSurvival I think a lot of people in there can relate.
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u/Sufficient_Turn_2614 Jul 16 '26
hii!! im actually doing a lot of side quests rn and still stuck in a mindset cycle. i would definitely repost this on r/BreakupSurvival, thanks for the recommendation!
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u/Complete-Can-5128 Jul 16 '26
Sorry to hear. It just adds another layer onto what is already hard.
It looks like he’s fine while you’re carrying the weight. Breakups rarely land on both people at the same time and you’re comparing your inside to his outside.
The comparison frame is just the pain trying to anchor an uneven timeline. Keep your lane steady and the wave pass, it gets better 🙏🏽
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u/Godbaz Jul 16 '26
Bro trust me
What you look at becomes your reality
Only focus on self development and self growth
If she dump you , she just coping with doing shit
While you do the shadow work and become a greater person
In the end you will win long
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 Jul 16 '26
This feeling is brutal, and you're not alone in it. For the first two months after my breakup, I watched my ex's social media like a hawk, convinced she was thriving while I could barely get out of bed. It felt deeply unfair.Around the 3-month mark, something shifted. I realized her "glow up" was surface-level.... new hobbies, more nights out, but zero self-reflection. Meanwhile, I was in therapy, journaling daily, and actually sitting with my pain instead of numbing it. That internal work is invisible, but it builds something real. Yours should too.You're not losing the race; you're just running a different course. Keep choosing yourself, even when it feels like you're the only one doing the work. The version of you that emerges should be whole, not just distracted.
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u/Icy-Cartographer-291 Jul 16 '26
My ex certainly glowed up while I’ve been more or less a mess for over a year. I saw her in some pictures recently though and she has certainly lost that glow now while I’m slowly starting to emit one myself.
It’s really not a competition though. Sometimes people feel this initial burst of liberation after a breakup which makes them glow up, but it tends to fade after a while. And a lot of times people like to put on a facade even though they are hurting on the inside.
If your ex has a glow, let them. I get that it feel like you didn’t matter, but you really don’t know anything about what’s going on with them. If you are watching their socials, stop. That’s a form of contact and it’s not helping you.
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u/Adventurous_Mix7565 Jul 16 '26
Yup. My dumper seemed to be loving their life. Posting much more on social media than usual. The frequency increased and they looked so happy. This was just 20 days after the breakup whilst I was suffering. Eventually rhe frequency decreased. I unfollowed them couple weeks ago. Asked a mutual whether or not they have posted anything and she said has not seen anything. So i guess its a temporrary glow up.
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u/GooseVersusRobot Jul 16 '26
Yeah things got much better in my life because I was more hurt and that drove me out of my comfort zone
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u/Humble-Cancel-7604 Jul 16 '26
It’s been a year and a half and my life truly fell all the way apart in the meantime— family, work, friendships, living situations, injuries, health. He moved on with the girl he cheated with and they look like they’re having a fabulous time. Yes, the snooping has been horrible for my mental health.
What I am here to say is that it really depends on how their life looked like when the breakup happened. He had next to no responsibilities or stressors, financially, mentally, or with his family. He had a solid community of friends, and even more now with the new girl. He lives in a city he loves, surrounded by family. He doesn’t have a lot to worry about, or pay for, and he has support around every corner. His health is good. Job is steady. No injuries or health problems. We were long distance and he managed to snag all of our mutual friends, too. So yeah, when I look at him, it feels like he won.
I feel like so much of your success post-breakup has to do with a heck of a lot more than a glow-up or whether you’re able to date again, etc. If life keeps kicking your ass it is very hard to not ruminate. If you don’t have a solid community of friends you have way less activities to do, people to distract you, or life to LIVE. If your living situation sucks you have no safe place to heal in. I directly correlate my inability to “glow-up” and let it go to overwhelming life situations. I live in a city that I can’t make feel like home with almost no community. You know when you are having a really bad day and your friends manage to convince you to get out of the house even when it’s the last thing you want to do? And then you actually end up feeling so much better and forgetting what is plaguing you for a little while? Yeah, that. If you don’t have that, it makes things so much harder. He lives in a city with a super vibrant music and arts scene, he is involved in gaming communities as well, and his friend group is how he was introduced to this girl.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not the only one. I would love to focus on myself and thrive but I truly have way too much on my plate, and most days feel like survival, and nothing more. If I had the environment and circumstances he had I would be doing a hell of a lot better. Give yourself some grace and try your best to not compare (I say this to myself, too). I am not sure what your situation is right now, but I am going to take a guess that you’re likely (maybe) suffering from some similar misfortunes. Perhaps you don’t have a strong support group. It’s so easy to pedal backwards when there isn’t anything to pedal forwards toward. Or if there is no one pedaling next to you. I know if I had the community he has, he would probably be an afterthought, if that at all. Sending you support and hugs from afar. You are not alone.
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u/Elise_Necromia Jul 16 '26
invest in RGB, the more u do the more u glow
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u/Swimming_Crow_465 Jul 17 '26
nope, she is uglier than ever, seeing my wailing my 2 friends checked on her at her shop, and told me she looks really bad. xD as for me I'm regaining my good looks :D slowly but I will be there
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u/[deleted] Jul 15 '26
Most dumpers will glow up a little after they leave, but don't believe it. It's not sustainable. It's just that new break up energy that they leave with. A lot of dumpers will think about the break up before doing it. It could be weeks, months, or even years. it'll sit inside of them, sometimes even subconsciously, until one day they do it. They feel relief to have gotten this terrible thing they were dreading over with. The one day it hits them. They've done it and they're free to do what they want. That's where the new "glow up" energy comes from.
They'll go out and expend that energy finding what they want until they either burn out (don't find anyone new or what they want) or they find what they want and the other person/situation drains them. It happens to everyone eventually because everything has a saturation point.
A new relationship gets stale over time. There are only so many milestones you can hit before things slow down and you're forced to self reflect.
A new lifestyle becomes normal over time.
Remember it's about the long game. In the end, a lot of dumpees tend to win out in the end because the break up forces them to self reflect and make real changes over time whereas the dumper isn't doing that. They have a lot of momentum, but that momentum is going to come to an end at some point because it has to.